Remembering and forgetting
by iceiceiceiceice
Summary: A trip to Vegas with her friend Sadie turns Meredith's life upside down. Facing the consequences might have been just what she needed...
1. Something In The Water

Chapter 1 Something In The Water

_'Why did this always happen to her?'_ Meredith wondered to herself after she entered the hospital after a weekend of partying. A weekend that was supposed to make her forget all the problems she had, the mother issues, the daddy issues and her dark and twisty ways. For one weekend she wanted to be the girl she was she went to college, the girl that didn't have a mother that suffers from Alzheimer, the daughter who didn't have to listen to her mother's stories about the days of her residency in which she screwed one of her fellow residents. Her mom was a filthy whore for all she the weekend didn't go as planned. All the fun had haunted her by the time she woke up on Sunday at a hotel room she didn't recognize. It hadn't been her hotel room for sure.

Before pre-rounds even started on Monday Meredith dragged Cristina into a supply closet saying "Hey, I really need to talk to you! I know you're going to think I'm crazy and this time I know you might have a point, but please I really need you this time."  
Cristina looked surprised, but not confused, she knew her person usually ended up being a mess after a night of sleeping with inappropriate guys and asked "What is it now, Mer? I haven't seen you all weekend and now you come to me looking for help like you want me to help to hide a body. Another broken penis one night stand admitted to the hospital?"  
"No, no guy this time, well maybe there might be, I'm not sure, I can't remember." She answered quickly reassuring her friends that the to the date most embarrassing moment of her internship wouldn't have a sequel. What she said didn't make a whole lot of sense to Cristina, who had covered her shift on Saturday.  
"What are you talking about Mer?" the she wanted to know. The response was quite effective, shocking!  
"Look at this", Meredith said showing her a big diamond ring on her left ring finger.  
Cristina said "It's a ring. What about it?" in a matter of fact tone. She couldn't believe what she was seeing. It didn't make sense. Why would Meredith wear a wedding ring.

Meredith was just as confused about the situation as her person was. "I don't know, I wore it when I woke up and I can't remember anything about the night before" she explained as she looked into Cristina's eyes in horror. She couldn't have gotten married, she thought, could she.  
Cristina smiled and couldn't believe this was happening again "I guess you got married! Classic Meredith, classic Meredith. What is it about you and Tequila? Wait, you can't get married to your one true love, so who's the guy?"  
"I don't know, Chris, I was alone in the hotel room when I woke up." Meredith answered.  
All of this didn't make any sense to Cristina, "Why would wake up in a hotel room in Seattle? You usually take the guys home straight away!" she asked because she knew how Izzie and George used to complain about frequent screams at the weekends ever since they had moved into the house at the start of their intern year eight months ago.  
"Maybe because I wasn't in Seattle this weekend. Sadie called and we sort of, well, we went to" Meredith admitted.

This was unbelievable, not comprehendable at all. As it turned out she had covered Meredith's shift at the emergency room so her person could drink tequila and screw guys with a girl she had never heard of. "What? Don't tell me you went to Vegas after asking me to cover your shifts this weekend. Damn it, Mer! Don't tell me that's it. Why? Why would you go to Vegas?" she said in disbelief.  
"Die, my friend from college invited me to go. I mean I don't have any responsibilities here apart from the job obviously. I haven't been seeing anyone since I started my internship. I just wanted to feel like I did in Europe again, way before everything with my mom went down." Meredith tried to explain. This explanation raised more questions than it answered.  
"Who is Die and what did happen in Europe?" Cristina asked.  
"Oh, sorry, Sadie. We were known as 'deth and 'die back in Europe. Three months of getting to know the European culture. It was breath taking." Meredith explained.  
"That's a way to describe having sex with inappropriate men, Mer. So you and this Sadie person went to Vegas? And you don't know what happened after you got there?" Cristina tried to summarize their conversation.

"Well, I do remember being on the plane and getting drunk, and the waking up bit and the getting to the airport and leaving without talking to anyone directly after I found this on my left hand." Meredith admitted pointing to ring on her left hand.  
"This is brilliant. You got married in Vegas and you don't know anything about it. Sure it's not Sadie you're married to?" said an amused Cristina.  
"I know this much, yes, she texted me last night saying she lost me Saturday afternoon and asked me whether I was okay." She answered. Continuing her interrogation Cristina asked whether Sadie had told her when she lost her?  
"Yes, Cristina, she told me, Saturday around noon." Meredith answered.  
"And obviously you don't have a clue about what happened afterwards" was all Cristina could get from this.  
"I don't." Meredith admitted.  
"You don't." Cristina repeated.

After a long pause where none of them said anything, Meredith finally managed to stutter "Cristina, what am I supposed to do now? I mean, I might be married or I might not be married, but if I'm married I don't know my husband's name, I might not even know my name."  
"Glad, you can't marry Tequila. That would be one hell of a love story." Cristina said smiling.  
"I'm pretty certain you can't get married to Tequila anywhere. Or do you think the guy's name is Tequila. Meredith TEQUILA. I'd certainly make a career as a doctor with this name. Screw, Grey, I'm Meredith Tequila!" said a slightly disappointed Meredith.  
"Tequila is no good for you, it doesn't call, it doesn't write and from I can say it's not nearly as much fun to wake up to. You need a guy to get married Mer, don't think they legalized getting married to alcohol yet, even though you are the living proof that you can get married intoxicated. As you don't remember anything it might be a good idea to have a look at your credit card transactions." Cristina answered.  
"No need to do that. It's still here, I'm sure it's not stolen." Meredith said not knowing why Cristina would suggest this. She was too worried, too confused and too puzzled to understand the point of it.  
"That's not what I was worried about, Mer. For a doctor you are not that smart. You might have paid something with it after getting lost." Cristina explained to her friend.  
"I might have. I mean Die wasn't with me, so I must have paid for my drinks, my food and everything at some stage after Saturday afternoon. I mean nobody treats a stranger to all of this, I mean I would remember this, but then who gets married to a stranger the night they met and who doesn't remember their husband's name or their wedding in the first place." She said rambling again.

"You're rambling!" Cristina reminded her.  
"Yes, sorry! But please, I need you to promise!" Meredith said.  
"Promise you what?" Cristina wanted to know. "  
Promise me you are not going to make fun of me if I got married at one of those Elvis chapels!" Meredith said slightly embarrassed. She knew how everyone had treated George after his wedding in Vegas and she was dreading their reaction when they would find out about the circumstances of her wedding.  
"I don't make promises I can't keep. So check those transactions already." Cristina said knowingly that she would tease Meredith with this until the end of their residency. Looking at her watch Meredith interrupted her  
"Can't rounds start in 5 minutes and I don't want to piss of Bailey" and the two women hurried to get to the intern locker room.


	2. Could Be Anything

Chapter 2 Could Be Anything

The other interns were already gathered in front of the locker room when Meredith and Cristina arrived. George was relieved to see Meredith, who had been MIA for the entire weekend.  
"Mer, there you are, I was worried about you, where have you been all weekend?" he said when she arrived.  
"Yeah, I haven't seen you since Friday morning at the hospital. What have you been up to?" a worried Izzie said. Meredith still couldn't believe that she had invited these two to live at her mother's house with her.  
"I met a friend from college, don't worry, I'm fine" she said because she didn't want to discuss Vegas with any one of them. They didn't need to know about it as far as she was concerned.  
"Fine fine or Meredith Grey fine?" George wanted to know. He was worried about her, he cared for her.  
"George, believe it or not, I'm fine. I couldn't be better, so just leave me alone. I don't need you babysitting me." She was insistent on that.

Luckily Bailey's arrival interrupted the conversation "I don't have a lot of time, so just listen. Assignments for the day: Karev – Burke, Yang- you're with me today, O'Malley and Stevens- you cover the pit today, Grey- you're popular today. Special request from Sloan" Meredith was reminded of the fact that Sloan had requested her every day since he arrived at Seattle Grace even though she had no interest in plastics whatsoever.  
"Great", she mumbled.  
Bailey asked her, "Anything you want to discuss with me Doctor Grey?" because she didn't like to discuss assignments with her residents.  
"No, I'm fine", was the answer Bailey was looking for and as Meredith didn't want to get into any trouble it was what she answered. Nobody wants the Nazi to be on a warpath  
"You better be, I don't know why Sloan keeps requesting you, but it better not be something inappropriate." The resident stated.  
Meredith reassured her there wasn't "I can assure you it isn't. I haven't seen the inside of an OR since Sloan arrived but I can tell you where his dry cleaner is and how he likes his coffee, but if he keeps requesting me I guess there isn't a lot I can do. I better go now"

Ever since Mark Sloan had arrived at the hospital six weeks ago nurses everywhere around the hospital were fantasizing about him. He was steamy, but Meredith never considered having a relationship with anyone at the hospital after having her not so lucid man telling her stories about screwing a fellow resident all over the hospital. She didn't want to worry about Herpes and after the recent syphilis outbreak she was glad she wasn't involved with anyone who was walking at the hospital.

"Oh, there she is. My favorite intern is back." Dr. Sloan greeted her enthusiastically.  
"I don't know why you keep requesting me, Dr. Sloan. But I am not going to sleep with you" Meredith said like she did the past 10 shifts he had requested her.  
"Don't fight it. Nobody can resist my charm." Dr. Sloan insisted in a flirtatious matter.  
"I am sorry to destroy your ego, but I can." She smirked.  
"We both know you have a reputation of sleeping with inappropriate man. From all I heard you are something like a female Karev", Sloan answered.  
Meredith answered clearly uncomfortable: "And from all I heard these inappropriate men haven't ever been working at this hospital unlike your and Karev's nurses"

Mark wondered in a nonchalant way "So how did you enjoy Vegas?"  
"Vegas?" she asked totally taken by surprise.  
"Yes, Vegas. As far as I know you have been to Vegas this weekend?" he insisted. No he couldn't, could he? I just have to play cool, Meredith thought to herself.  
"As far as you know. Why? How? So, who told you that I supposedly went to Vegas this weekend?" she asked.  
"I didn't need anyone telling, I saw you." He said.  
"Where? Hold on, have you been following me? I mean requesting me every single day for the past four weeks is one thing, but this is creepy, you following me at the weekend. Across state lines" She rambled being completely taken by surprise.  
"Relax, Grey. As much I would like to see what's underneath those scrubs, I didn't follow you. I saw you getting on the plane at the airport. The plane I got into as well." Mark reassured her for a second until another fear popped up on her head  
"You did. And you didn't see me again until this morning? I mean, Vegas isn't that small."  
"Yes, I can assure you that I didn't see you again until this morning, Grey. So, what happened in Vegas? With you asking all those questions I assume something did happen, Grey." He said knowing her behavior was rather odd.  
"As far as I am concerned, what happened there, stayed there. You know me, Tequila and boys. So what have you done in Vegas?" Meredith explained to him.

"You!" Dr. Mark Sloan answered dryly and Meredith just stared at him for a few seconds in total disbelieve.  
"This can't happen. I mean I drank a lot, but I certainly would…" she said silently to herself as Mark's "I'm kidding, Grey." interrupted her. She felt relieved  
"Good, glad to hear that. So, can we just stop talking about the weekend and proceed to working. I assume you want me to pick up your dry cleaning first." She asked, because that would be what he asked her to do the past two Mondays.  
To her surprise the good looking doctor answered "Grey, no, no need to run errands today. Skin graft at 10. Read the file, you can scrub in." This was odd, but today she didn't want to think about the reasons for this odd behavior on Sloan's part. No intern ever scrubbed in with him, he hated teaching and all she did for the past weeks on his service were charts, post ops and running errands.  
"See you at 10." Was all she could think of answering before he disappeared to take care of another patient.


	3. How We Operate

Chapter 3 How We Operate

Meredith hurried to find Cristina, who was working with Bailey. "Sloan knows something." She blurred out. "Something? Sloan? Why? How? What? You don't make sense, Mer." Cristina shrugged. "He's in plastics, he doesn't know anything."

"I'm scrubbing in on a skin graft in two hours. And Sloan, he… " Meredith explained while Cristina interrupted her " never lets any intern scrub in on his surgeries. Maybe he's just trying to get in your pants. I mean he requested you for the hundredths time in a row now. But, hold on, he couldn't be secret mystery husband, or know about secret mystery husband, could he?"

Meredith hesitated, because she was scared of the answer "I don't know. He has been to Vegas this weekend. At least he said he was. And he has seen me getting onto that plane. I couldn't have, could I?" This wouldn't have been the first time Meredith had slept with inappropriate men or gotten into trouble after being drunk.  
"For all I know, you could, Mer. You really need to have a look at your credit card transactions and pray that there is something on them that helps you figuring out what exactly happened in Vegas. Or you ask Sloan what he knows." Cristina answered.

She couldn't do that. Mark Sloan was a manwhore with a questionable reputation. Ever since he had started working at the hospital there were stories about on call room hook ups and his incredible skills as a lover. The nurses at Seattle Grace surely loved to gossip. She couldn't discuss something like that with him. Not after he tried to hit on her every chance he got and not after the nurses had started to take bets about when it was going to happen. "I didn't ask Sloan, he said he hasn't seen me after I got off the plane and I'm not going to embarrass myself and tell him the whole story only to ask him if he knows who mystery- maybe-husband might be." Meredith explained.

"Why has he been to Vegas anyway?" Cristina wondered.  
"How would I know, I was surprised and I'm confused and he's repulsive, I didn't even think of asking that."Meredith answered. The mess she had gotten herself into was bigger this time. She was confused.  
"If you don't I will, I can't wait to meet this husband of yours." Cristina insisted.

"I am not married." Meredith stated completely ignoring the evidence that presented itself to her.  
"Yet you woke up with a ring on your finger" Cristina said.  
"Fair point. But let's take a look on those transactions first."Meredith answered with a little smile on her face. Looking at the screen of the computer at the nurse station she noticed that their effort to find out anything from the transactions were fruitless.  
"Mystery husband seems to be generous; I haven't spent a dime all weekend. So what's next?" she said bitterly.  
"I don't know, Mer. I honestly don't know." Cristina admitted.

To make matters worse Meredith's day she would now have to face Sloan, who had been prying over her for a long time and who seemed to be know more about her weekend than she did. When she walked towards the scrub room she could see that he was talking on his phone. "Yes Shep, it's been one of a hell of a weekend. Lots of girls and lots of alcohol, everything you'd be looking for after finally divorcing Satan.

Glad to hear, so if you're over her, can I have a go?

Kidding, or do you think she was the reason I came to this rainy city in the first place?

No, you know we always had the same taste in women, but I never slept with her. You two sweethearts were married, you're like my brother. I couldn't. Different story now, though.

He hung up when Meredith arrived at the scrub room door saying  
"… anyway, I have to go now, glad you had a good weekend."

The attending and the intern entered the scrub room and washed their hands silently. It was an awkward silence. Meredith didn't know how to start a conversation with him and Mark decided that the silent treatment would work for him right now. Conversations with him had always been awkward, but this was going to be more than awkward as she didn't really knew how to bring up the topic in an OR full of people.  
"Hello Doctor Sloan." She finally said as they entered the OR.  
"Hello Doctor Grey. A beautiful day to save lives, isn't it?" the attending answered. He was in a good mood.  
"I doubt that this patient is in mortal danger." She smirked.  
"My best friend likes this line and I miss him. The patient needs the graft though, Dr. Grey. As I am supposed to be teaching, you might just tell me the possible risks here, while I begin with the procedure" he answered.

"Those would be bleeding, infections, the loss of the grafted skin, nerve damage and graft versus host disease. In xenografts you have the risk of rejectin on top of that, but it could be treated with long term immunosuppressants. But this is an autograft, so it wouldn't be a concern in this case." she answered confidently. When it came to surgery there was right and wrong and she knew the answered or she knew how to find the right answers. Surgery was easier than life.

"What about prognosis?" Sloan continued questioning her  
"Most skin grafts are successful, but recovery time is rather long. Patient should wear compression garments for several months after surgery and should be monitored." She started, but was interrupted by Sloan  
"Well it seems you are prepared. It seems this time I don't regret letting an intern scrub in with me. Now stand over there so you don't stand in my light"  
"Don't make this sound like you did me a favor, she thought to herself and told him "After all this is a teaching hospital, Dr. Sloan. You are supposed to teach interns and residents, it's not a charitable act on your part"  
"Still you never take up my offer to teach you several techniques." He said flirtatiously.

She couldn't believe this was happening again. She whispered "Are you sexually harassing me, Dr. Sloan? Because that would be inappropriate!". Dr. Sloan had always flirted with her. He didn't have boundaries, or at least coworkers, nurses or subordinates were not outside of these .  
"If you feel harassed I better stop right here. Let's talk about something else. Why don't we talk about your weekend?" the plastic surgeon told her.  
"I'm afraid you already know more about my weekend than I would like to. What have YOU done in Vegas anyway? You can spare me from the catching STDs part, but why go to Vegas if there are plenty of women in Seattle?" she answered determined to keep this conversation outside the OR.

But her efforts were to no avail as he answered: "You haven't been in Seattle at the weekend though." This was not going in a direction she appreciated.  
"Don't waste your charm on me, it's not working. I'm drawing a line." She tried to clarify.  
"Need a marker for it?" he joked. He could see that Meredith was clearly annoyed  
"No, figuratively speaking. You are my teacher and my teacher's teacher, even though technically you're never teaching." she said.  
"I'm your sister, I'm your mother." He joked which pissed off Meredith even more "Not funny Sloan."

He could see that the intern he had been working with for the past few week was angry, so he tried to appease her by saying: "Listen, Grey. My best friend got a divorce and we decided to do a bachelor party do-over to celebrate it. We got drunk and we gambled and I lost all of them Saturday morning I went after a beautiful blonde. She was kind of hot. Blonde, nice lips, told me death would have fun with her. Whatever that means."  
"A party to celebrate a divorce? Let me guess, that was your idea." She smirked.  
"You know me better than I know myself, Dr. Grey. I was a slutty intern once, too." He answered amused.  
"I doubt that, well the knowing you better than you know yourself, not the slutty intern bit. So how did your friend react when you left him by himself? He must have loved being by himself after a divorce at a place you suggested to meet!" she replied calmly.  
"From what I heard, he did pretty good from what he told me. Well, until Sunday morning when the girl he ended up with left the hotel room while he was getting breakfast for both of them. He just isn't used to the whole one-night stand etiquette after 10 years of marriage. But you don't need to worry about him, he's a grown man and capable of taking care of himself." He reassured her.  
"Well in that case: You two have a lot in common. He got divorced and screwed the first girl he met." She answered bitterly. She sounded more bitter than she intended to, but the realization that she might be married to a guy she didn't even know was more than she could handle at the minute. And this was without looking at the possibility that Mark Sloan knew about it.

"No he's not like me, his marriage was on the rocks for a while and he's always been the sappy romantic kind of guy. He was miserable for a while. He said it felt like he was drowning, but she was like fresh air and saved him or something. Sappy romantic, you see." he answered like they were doing smalltalk.  
"Unlike you, huh?" Meredith wondered. If they were friends he had to be like him.

"I haven't been married for 10 years. One woman for the rest of my life- not a concept I'd like to support. Anyway, I'm finished here, Dr. Grey. You can take care of the post op. I'm doing a DIEP flap this afternoon, so I can't take care of it myself." He told her while finishing up the procedure.  
"I'm going to. Thank you for the opportunity to scrub in Dr. Sloan." She said truthfully. While she didn't enjoy plastics too much, it was still the most she had seen of an OR in the past two weeks.

"What are you doing here?" Cristina wondered when she saw Meredith sitting at the nurse's station.  
"Charting and Post ops for Sloan. He's doing a breast reconstruction, so he couldn't do it himself. I kind of think that he slept with…", she said.  
"Don't tell me that he's mystery husband." Cristina interrupted her. Meredith couldn't believe what she heard.  
"No, what I was going to say before he interrupted me was that I kind of think he slept with Die. It was kind of our thing, sleeping with inappropriate men. We screw boys like whores on tequila." she said.

"So still no clue who this mystery husband of yours is?" Cristina asked.  
"No. Maybe I don't know who he is because there is no mystery husband to begin with. He didn't show up here since this morning. I know that for sure." Meredith said confused. She really didn't want to think about where she was heading. She needed to find out, but being an intern and having crazy hours didn't make this an easy task.  
"And you woke up in a hotel room that wasn't yours by accident?" Cristina reminded her.  
"I might have. Maybe he just proposed and we didn't get married. You know, I'm not that kind of person, I have the mommy issues and the daddy issues! I don't do commitment. I do surgeries and I have sex with inappropriate guys. I don't pretend to care, exchange details and small talk, totally not my thing." She started to ramble.  
"You really think he just proposed to you in Vegas while you were drunk? It's you we're talking about. The girl who always wins at "whose life sucks the most"" Cristina said.

"You're right, I'm screwed. He's probably all dreamy and smart, with blue eyes and perfect hair, expecting me to have his babies and spending a lifetime with him. The kind my mother would have loved to have as a son in law for her screwed up daughter. So what are we going to do?" Meredith said.  
Cristina thought that while Mer was her person, this was a mess she had to clean up by herself. "Me? I'm going to scrub in with Bailey in 20 minutes. You? I don't know. Finding out about this mystery husband of yours might be a good idea." She said leaving her on her own again.


	4. Fools In Love

Chapter 4 Fools In Love

Two weeks had passed since Meredith returned from her trip to Vegas. Sadie had been no help in finding out about who she might have married. The only thing she was sure about: it wasn't Sloan, he and Sadie had done a number of things Meredith didn't want to think about, in fact Meredith had heard way too many details about Sloan's body after talking to Sadie for half an hour to ever look at him the same way. By the time she had hung up she felt nauseous because she thought he was even more repulsive than see thought. On the lucky side she could rule him out of the mystery husband race. But she wasn't the only one who was constantly thinking about who her husband might have been.  
"I still can't believe you didn't find out anything about mystery husband in two weeks. There has to be something." Cristina whispered to her when she opened her locker to change into her scrubs that morning.  
"Sadie doesn't know a thing because she left with Mark fucking Sloan and I, I have this Tequila induced amnesia. There's no way I find out anything without contacting the registrar office in Vegas and how is this going to go? Hello my name is Meredith Grey, I got married here, so please tell me the name of my husband so I can divorce him" Meredith mumbled bitterly. Maybe she was never going to meet him. As she fantasized about how he might look like, Izzie came into the locker room with her usual bright and happy smile.

"So have you guys heard?" Izzie asked the group.  
"What are you talking about?" George wondered coming into the room.  
"The new neuro attending is going to arrive today. I heard the nurses gossiping about it. Apparently he's some big hot shot doctor from the East Coast. Student of Webber from the time he was teaching in New York." Izzie explained.  
"I hope he's better than Nelson. I hate being on Neuro rotation when he's around. He never performed any advanced procedures and every time I find a tumor or something else interesting the patient is just referred to another hospital." Meredith told the others. She had been interested in Neurosurgery since med school and was annoyed that she hadn't scrubbed into any major neuro surgery for a while.  
"I'm happy as long as he keeps you away from Sloan, I didn't get any opportunity to clock hours in plastics lately because Sloan wants to screw you, Mer." Karev told her.  
"He does not. Well he might, but I made it a policy not to sleep with anyone at the hospital. Things like that never work out", Meredith told him.

Relationships in the hospital were a touchy subject for the group as Alex slept with virtually any nurse he met and George had just married Callie Torres, who was an ortho resident. "Callie and I work out." George said trying to prove a point and convice himself it was true.  
"Not everyone can run away to Vegas, get married and live happily ever after George." Karev challenged him.  
"I still can't believe I would get to know anyone who gets married this way. You shouldn't have ever been so impulsive George." Izzie agreed with Alex. She never liked the idea that her best friend got married.  
Cristina wanted to tease Meredith a little bit and smirked while she asked "Yeah, George, WHO would be stupid enough to do that."  
To his surprise Meredith defended him, little did he know that this accusation was actually directed towards her: "Shut up, I'm sure George and Callie are happy and even though it might have been rushed they are made for each other."  
"Thank you, Meredith. At least there is one person who gets me and supports me." George said.  
"Yeah, right." Was all an amused Cristina could say before they went to Bailey for assignments.

At the same time a black haired blue eyed doctor arrived for his first day at work. "Hey Mark. How are you keeping?" Derek asked his old friend.  
"So, it really is time for a change. Still can't believe Webber got you to agree to move to Seattle. All the rain, it's really depressing, makes you want to stay in bed all day." Mark greeted him. He was glad to have his best friend back, even though the reason his friend left New York wasn't the most positive to begin with. He had broken up with the woman Mark had been in love with for the past 15 years.  
"After the divorce I needed change and something just drew me to Seattle." Derek told him.  
"Glad to hear you missed me." Mark said.  
"It's not about you" Derek denied. "Anyway, I have to go up to Richard's office to work through the paper work."  
"Have fun, and I really look forward to working with you again. The Manhattan dream team is reunited. How about celebrating tonight? I'm off at seven." Mark said leaving him in the lobby.  
"Sure, but don't leave without me again." Derek told him.

Derek went up to the Chief's office. Richard had tried to persuade him to take a position at Seattle Grace for years now, but it wasn't until now that he thought the rainy solitude of Seattle might be something he'd enjoy. "Richard, it's great to see you. Hello, how's Adele?" he greeted the man who had mentored him during his intern year before returning to Seattle.  
"What a pleasure to see you, Derek. I still can't believe you finally accepted my offer. I'm good, but Adele filed for divorce. She couldn't handle me being at the hospital all the time." Dr. Webber told him.  
"Surgery and marriage doesn't seem to go well together. Addison and I didn't work out either, but you know about that. I needed change, it was the perfect time. Considering the divorce I just needed a fresh start. " Derek admitted looking at his old mentor.  
"We are happy to have you here. You being here is going to give a boost to our neurosurgical department for sure. So, please take a moment to meet all of our residents and interns. As teaching is one central element of the job it might be good to meet them in advance." Richard asked him. "I'm going to page all the interns and residents to the conference room. You can go through all the papers after that"


	5. Life is a Mystery

Chapter 5 Life Is A Mystery

In the meantime all interns and residents were gathered in the conference room next to the chief's office. Every time they had been in there it had meant trouble: it's where they watched a safer-sex demonstration after a syphilis outbreak and where the chief had interrogated him about the incidents surrounding the cutting of an LVAD wire that had almost cost Dr. Stevens her career. "So, do you guys know what this is about? Why were we paged to the conference room?" she wondered looking at her friends.  
"I don't know, or are there any LVAD wires you have to tell us about?" teased her.  
"Just shut up, Karev" George defended her. Bambi always looked out for her even after he got married to Callie Torres.  
"Where's Mer?" Christina wondered. The four looked at each other and neither could come up with an answer.  
"I don't know, haven't seen her since rounds, but she has been pretty occupied ever since she disappeared for that weekend. But this couldn't be about her?" Izzie said concerned.  
"No, she never got in trouble here." George reassured them as Meredith came through the door.  
"Hey, sorry, Sloan and I were doing post ops on a patient when I got the page, so has anyone a clue why all the interns and residents are gathered here?" Meredith explained to the group.  
"No. Oh, there is Webber." Cristina said as the Chief walked in.

He looked calm and happy so Meredith assumed everything was going to be fine when the head of surgery started talking "Hello, I'm glad everyone found their way into this conference room this morning. I have an important announcement to make and I'm delighted to introduce our new neuro attending to you. He has impressive credentials and I hope his reputation and skills are going to improve the quality of our training program even further. So give a warm welcome to Dr. Derek Shepherd." The residents and interns clapped as Derek Shepherd walked in. Meredith thought he looked familiar, but didn't quite know where or how she had seen him. It must have been somewhere around the hospital earlier today.

He was certainly good looking, Izzie Stevens thought to herself. "He's a hottie, how's he allowed to be a doctor? Pretty dreamy isn't he, Mer?" she whispered into Meredith's ear knowing her friend would certainly share this opinion.  
"I'm not dating any coworkers, so why would I care. You're all a mass of non-sexual human beings. But he has a nice smile." Meredith whispered maybe a little bit too loudly.

"Hello everyone, as Chief Webber already told you, I'm Derek Shepherd. After some years in private practice in New York, I moved to Seattle just today. Neurosurgery is not only my job, it's my passion. I'm sure some of you have read my research or seen me working here on special consults, but now I hope to support anybody who shows a genuine interest in Neuro. As I heard most of you didn't have the change to scrub into any advanced procedures, but I can assure you this is going to change now. If you show promise and interest in neurosurgery, I can assure you that I'm more than interested in teaching you." The new attending told them.

Meredith continued her conversation with Izzie during his speech "I might be in love with him, professionally. I'm sure he's actually going to operate on the brain tumors we find"  
Izzie was completely smitten with the new attending whispering "I might get more interested in Neuro just by looking at him."  
Their little conversation didn't go unnoticed and the Chief Richard Webber coughed and interrupted the two of them. "Mind to share your little conversation with all of us, Dr. Grey or Dr. Stevens?"  
"We were just talking about how interested in Neuro we were" Izzie tried to save herself from embarrassment of revealing that they in fact had been talking about the attending's amazing appearance.  
"Sure you are." Alex laughed. He knew that Izzie loved the way their new attending looked.

As he tried to shift the conversation back to the professional aspect Richard Webber said "Anyway guys, I'm glad you all had a chance to meet Dr. Shepherd, I'm sure you'll get an opportunity to work with him soon, but I would like you to go back to your work now. There are patients to look after." Before he and Dr. Shepherd left the room he went over to Meredith and Izzie and reminded them that this was a teaching hospital and that he expected them to discuss their private matters outside the hospital. The Chief turned to Derek "Well, see this as your initiation to Seattle Grace. And Derek, I know how painful a divorce is, but you might want to take off that wedding band. It gets easier once you accept the fact that it's over." Dr. Shepherd nodded silently. How would he tell his new boss and mentor about his recent trip to Vegas?

As the other interns and residents hurried back to their assignments Meredith leaned over to Cristina, she whispered "I hope Sloan stops requesting me otherwise I won't ever get to work with Shepherd."  
"Maybe you should just sleep with Sloan and he'll lose the interest in you." Cristina suggested.  
Meredith was sort of shocked and disgusted at the same time "I'm not sleeping with anyone at the hospital. I don't want the nurses to gossip about me. It's bad enough being Ellis Grey's daughter and having a mystery husband, which they are going to find out about eventually, I don't need to sleep with the head of plastics and I don't want to tell my kid how I screwed my attending all over the hospital when I am old and have Alzheimer. Speaking of sex craved doctors I really have to go" she said as she left the room to get to her assigned resident.

"I always knew we had a similar taste in women." Derek smirked as he approached Mark in the hallway. He had only just started to familiarize himself with the surgical unit of the hospital and was happy to see a familiar face.  
"What are you talking about?" his friend wondered. He was slightly concerned he that he might have found out that he had approached Addison shortly before Derek and she had started dating.  
"My wife. I've seen her again." The neurosurgeon stated.  
"Addison is here? How do you know about us?" Mark wondered completely forgetting about their recent divorce for a second.  
"Found out about what?" Derek wondered for a second, but the thought slipped his mind and he continued "I wasn't talking about Addison, Mark. I'm talking about my Vegas wife. The wife who disappeared the day after we got married! I found her."  
"When? How? You only had a name last time we talked and you didn't want to discuss details with me because of the circumstances" Sloan wondered.  
"I found her today, well no, I didn't really find her, she was just there, a few minutes ago, and I know this is unbelievable and odd, but I guess you know her. She's working here" Derek told him. Meeting her here wasn't as crazy as the circumstances of their nuptials, but it was odd nonetheless.

"Don't tell me it's one of the nurses! Who is it?" Sloan asked slightly concerned. He knew that a lot of them had been affected by the recent syphilis outbreak and he knew how many nurses he had slept with since he arrived.  
"She's one of the interns. Dr. Bailey's interns" Derek confided to him.  
Sloan looked shocked "No, Shep, this can't be happening. Are you trying to tell me that your Vegas wife is Dr. Grey? You are trying to tell me that it took you one night when I couldn't get her laid ever since I arrived here? And boy, I did try!" Sloan laughed amused. It couldn't be Meredith Grey. After all he had heard she was just as afraid of commitment as he was.  
"Maybe it's because I didn't sleep with the entire nursing staff before meeting her." Derek said jokingly as he knew his best friend well.  
"Or because you weren't her boss or she didn't know you were going to be her boss. She keeps telling me she doesn't sleep with anyone who is working at this hospital." He said, wondering what this whole not dating coworkers and bosses was really all about. The intern had been so insistent to keep him away from her there had to be more to the story than just believing that you shouldn't date anyone you are working with.

"I can't believe she's working here. Try running away from one shattered marriage brought me here and here I am finding my runaway wife whom I tried to forget about ever since I came back to New York. Funny isn't it? This is a tremendously successful attempt at getting some peace for once." Derek said looking at his friend. "Any chance she talked about it? I mean I looked at her file and you requested her a lot since you arrive" Derek asked his friend feeling like a teenager who just experiences his first romance.  
Mark Sloan remembered the conversation he and the intern had had in the OR after that weekend and told his friend: "In fact we did, but I figure that she doesn't remember that much. She remembers sleeping with somebody, but doesn't know who it was. She asked me if I slept with her in an OR full of people." He smirked. "After all she didn't say a word about the wedding when she interrogated me about how our weekend in Vegas had been. But I guess she was just happy that I wasn't her husband. So you have been filling her blanks?"  
Derek knew that his friend had a dirty imagination and wondered what his friend meant while mumbling "Yes, No, Well, what do you mean?" This day was not going as he wished it was.  
"You have a dirty mind, Shep. I like that. What I meant was did you talk to her about it?" Sloan answered laughing.  
"Yes. Well, no. Wait, you said she knew about your weekend at Vegas, but she doesn't know about the wedding or about me?" Shepherd asked.  
"She doesn't know about you, who you are, she just wanted to be sure I hadn't slept with her because she's kind of obsessed with not sleeping with anyone at the hospital." He assured his friend.  
"I don't understand how this could be a bad thing, Mark" Derek told his friend. He never slept with anyone he was working with, but yet again, he had been married to his ex wife the entire time he had been working at the hospital.  
"It isn't. For me it is, but for normal people it isn't. So are you going to talk to her? Because as amusing as I think this is, this hospital is a gossip mill and those matching wedding bands are not going to go unnoticed. Well, once Grey decides to wear hers again."  
"She wore her wedding band?" Derek wondered.  
"Think she hasn't since she scrubbed into that skin graft we did the Monday after we got back from Vegas." Mark said.  
"Well, I'm going to have to talk to her, but not now. I still can't believe this is happening. See you tonight." Derek said realizing the mess he had gotten himself into.


	6. Whatever Gets You Through Today

**Thanks for the reviews everyone! I really appreciate them!**

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Chapter 6 Whatever Gets You Through The Day

"Izzie, I can't shake this feeling, but I think I have seen Shepherd before. I don't know where. I asked Torres and she said his last consult was before we started here, so I couldn't have seen him here. But I know I have seen him somewhere. I mean this smile and those eyes are pretty memorable" Meredith said as she walked next to Dr. Stevens.  
"He's been on the cover of neurosurgical journals, Mer." Izzie suggested.  
"That's not it, Izzie, I have seen him." Meredith said smirking. "Maybe it was on one of the very few occasions when I visited my mom at the hospital. One of the nurses thought I was working there because I was there so often. Anyway, who are you assigned to today?"  
"Scut duty, so I'm going to spend all day drawing blood, chasing down radiology reports and running mindless errands. How about you, Mer?" Izzie asked.  
"Sloan duty, running mindless errands, only I don't ever see the inside of the hospital or patients. I thought he quit requesting me last week, but apparently I must have been mistaken."

Enjoying the news he had just heard, Mark Sloan walked over to his intern: "Well, if this isn't my favorite intern. How was the meeting with the Chief?"  
"Hello, Dr. Sloan. How are you today? I thought you had forgotten about me." Meredith said calmly.  
"I didn't request you after Bailey told me to stop requesting you every single day four days ago. That woman is scary. You got assigned on rotation this time." Mark answered truthfully.  
"Remind me to thank her for that. What do you want me to do, Dr. Sloan?" Meredith said a little bit annoyed. He smirked and thought about whether he wanted to tell her. After all it was Derek's job to tell, so he decided to settle for suggesting her to have a look at her ring "Nothing, but you might want to check the engraving on that ring of yours."  
"What ring are you talking about?" Meredith asked. Her face froze and he could see that he had caught her completely off guard.  
"The one you haven't been wearing since scrubbing into the skin graft two weeks ago. " He said and walked away. "But as I actually want to spend time with you, why don't you scrub in with me. It has been a while since we shared some time in the OR, Dr. Grey."

Time in the OR had never been passing as slowly as that day. Minutes seemed like hours and Meredith felt like she had spent days in the OR after scrubbing out at the end of Sloan's 90 minute surgery. It had been uncomfortable. Sloan didn't talk, didn't flirt, he just did his work. It was odd, but not as odd as the thing he had told her before scrubbing in. She didn't know that her wedding ring had an engraving, in fact she never checked, never looked at it, avoided the topic, because avoiding things she should face was something she was good at. Even though she was wearing the ring on a necklace around her neck so none of her room mates would find it, she hadn't looked at it since she took the ring off. As the time in the OR passed she couldn't wait for it to be over, to look at the ring and to find out something. What if Sloan was just messing with her? Was this a possibility that he might know something after all? After she scrubbed out she ran into a supply closet. She didn't need any unnecessary observers when she finally faced the possibility of finding out more about her marriage. Looking at her ring she couldn't quite believe what she was seeing. How was this possible? Why was the universe messing with her?

"Mer, are you alright?" Cristina asked when she found her friend in a supply closet.  
"I slept with Dr. Shepherd" was all she could hear her friend saying. This didn't make sense, Mer never slept with coworkers.  
"He's been here for 10 minutes, how did that happen? Where? It's been two weeks and you already cheated on mystery husband. Not very wifey! When? You haven't been out since getting married to that mystery husband of yours. I don't understand, Mer. What happened to not sleeping with anyone working at the hospital because apparently your mom ended up getting herpes while she did? Explain."

Meredith started to give an explanation to her friend "No, not today. I didn't cheat on mystery husband, I'm afraid he is mystery husband." She sounded scared and Cristina blarred out "Shepherd is mystery husband? Good for you. Lots of interesting surgeries".  
"Yes, he is, at least that's what I assume." Meredith said in despair.  
"Look here" she showed the ring to Cristina.  
"Mark told me, I guess he knew all along and thought it was fun to keep me in the dark, he and Dr. Shepherd are buddies. Apparently he went to Vegas to celebrate his divorce."  
"So Sloan told you that Shepherd is your husband? He knew all along?" Cristina wanted to know.  
"No, he didn't tell me per se, he told me to check the engraving in my ring!" Meredith told her friend.  
"What about it?" Cristina wanted to know. She didn't have a clue why the ring might help to figure her friend out whom she actually married.  
"Want to have a look at it?" Meredith asked handing over the ring to Cristina.  
"_Meredith &amp; Derek forever_. This is so cliché, Mer. Reading this, I can't believe we are friends. And you haven't checked this in two weeks? So, he IS all dreamy and has blue eyes and the perfect hair and he is your boss. This is brilliant! The nurses are going to go ballistic over this." Her person told her lacking any empathy.  
"Shut up and let me be dark and twisty about this! Joes after work?" a depressed Meredith told her.  
"Let me clear this up for you: I'm not going to babysit you when you puke tonight, no holding your hair, no comforting while you sit on the bathroom floor and I guess you will have to talk to this not-so mystery husband of yours soon. But Mer, I would have liked Tequila better, Shepherd is way too solid for you." Cristina told her, agreeing to meet her at the Bar across the street after work.  
"This is not funny" Meredith told herself. "Not funny"


	7. The Sun Comes Up

Chapter 7 The Sun Comes Up

It had been 20 minutes since their shift ended, but Meredith had already done her best to forget about the events of the day by pouring down as much tequila as she possibly could before Cristina arrived. "I can't believe this is happening. Why do I always win at 'Whose life sucks the most?'" A tipsy Meredith confided to her friend. In fact she would win the award for the quickest way to screw up your life if it was ever going to be awarded to anyone.  
"Because you screw men like whores on tequila." Cristina answered dryly, she was still fascinated that those kind of things always happened to Meredith. Meredith had been through her fair share of man already.  
"I really did, did I? This has to change." Meredith admitted while starring at the shots of tequila in front of her.  
"Yes, because apparently you are married to Dr. McDreamy. You don't want to be an adulterous whore, do you?" Cristina said jokingly. They both knew that this marriage wouldn't work and they both knew this marriage was a mistake. There were plenty of reasons for this. The most important was that Meredith and Dr. Shepherd didn't really know much about each other.  
"We're getting a divorce, but at least I'm not going to die. My mom is dead, if she would be alive and had found out, she would have killed me – or him- or both of us" she said notably drunk.  
"Mer, you hardly know the guy. You couldn't possibly have any irreconcilable differences and you don't know if you have incompatible temperament. You cannot divorce him. It's perfect. You get all of the surgeries and all the sex and none of that sappy romantic bonding crap. You did sleep with him, right?" Cristina joked. This wasn't a joke to Meredith though.  
"I think so, but you know I can't do commitment, I can't bond. Relationships don't work. I don't do relationships; I do meaningless one night stands and break their penises and they show up at the hospital the next day with brain tumors. Plus he's my boss. And my boss's boss. I clearly didn't marry him for the surgeries. I married him for all the tequila he bought that night, I assume."

"Mer, what are you afraid of? Why is marriage so bad? It's not like somebody expects you to be all bright and shiny all of a sudden" Cristina wanted to know. Meredith hoped Cristina was kidding.  
"You are kidding me, right? If you get married it's meant to be the right person. You are willing to settle down, he is. You have sex and have children." Meredith started mumbling.  
"Me on the other hand, I get drunk. I can't do commitment, it's genetic. My mom had an affair with another resident during her residency. They were screwing each other all over the hospital. Apparently that's what broke up my parent's marriage. You know the story." Meredith started, "Yeah, the dad who never called, who has his whole new family now and the poor Meredith who was raised by a kick ass surgeon and had to spend all her time in an OR gallery until she was old enough to spend time on her own. I know your sad sob tale, Mer." Cristina continued Meredith's story. She had heard it too often.  
"Everyone knows it, Mer." Karev said when he approached the two women as he came in.  
"Go away, Evil Spawn, we girl talk." Cristina said.  
"You two don't girl talk. So what is this about?" Alex argued. He knew Cristina was hardly the person to have girl talk with.  
"Just go away Karev." Meredith said harshly.  
"Right, Barbie is waiting for you with her sad eyes looking over to George's room where her best friend is screwing Torres." Cristina added before Karev left them mumbling  
"Whatever you two. Good night."

"So, where were we? I need more Tequila, Joe." Meredith said.  
"Mer, you had more than enough. Tequila isn't going to make this better; we have rounds in six hours. So are those mother issues really that bad?" Cristina reminded her. They were. Her mother had left her husband to be with the men she loved, but he chose another woman. Meredith didn't like talking about her mother, but at this stage it didn't bother her so much.  
"I spent two years of my life looking after her. I didn't go to med school, I didn't travel around the world, I just took care of her while she wrote her last book. After I had to put her in the nursing home she had days when she didn't even recognize me, when she thought I was a coworker or the teenage rebel daughter. She would tell me about how disappointing my father was, how great the sex with Webber was and how hard it is to raise a daughter on her own."  
"Wait? She slept with Webber?" Cristina asked in disbelief. This was the first time she heard this juicy detail about Ellis Grey's affair.  
"Yeah, they have been doing it all over the hospital. I can't go into any room at the hospital without wondering whether my mom was screwing Webber in there. Anyway, I never realized how much she cared about me until she was too confused to conceal it. We never bonded and then it was just too late to bond. I'd be just as bad at bonding." Meredith stated. This kind of talk wasn't something Cristina Yang enjoyed, so she told her friend to stop.  
"Mer, stop. I'm not your shrink. You should go back and see the shrink for that." But looking at the door, Meredith saw something which distracted her from what her friend was telling her  
"Oh, no, this evening just got worse? This can't be happening" she stated pointing her finger to the door. "Look who's coming in".

She was intoxicated and couldn't quite control her actions. "I can't believe you could be such an ass." She told Mark Sloan, who had just entered the bar. Even though he had flirted with her and crossed several lines before, he hadn't been at fault this time.  
"What have I done now?" he wondered as she continued her drunken speech  
"It is funny to know about all of this for two weeks without telling me? Was this some sick plan you and your good looking friend figured out to get back on the intern who refuses to sleep with you? This is low, even by your standards." All those accusations were wrong, he knew that, obviously she didn't. Derek never told him the name of his mystery bride because he said it was partly his fault. If he hadn't left his drunken friend in a bar, he wouldn't have ever gotten married. He had forgiven his friend for this accusation, but he didn't like that everyone thought their own actions were his fault. All this annoyance and anger that should have been directed towards his best friend was now channeling into his answer to Dr. Grey  
"See Grey, my existence does not resolve around you, I was in Vegas, but I didn't know, about any of this. It's not like you told me that you got married and didn't know who to. I wouldn't have figured it out on my own. Derek told me today."  
"So this is the universe telling me that it wants to screw me? I must have pissed off somebody up there" the intern replied dryly and left the bar without a word to Cristina.

As she stormed off to get back to her car, which was still parked at the hospital, she bumped into someone. As she looked up he said "Good evening, Meredith. This is… uh…"  
"…Humiliating on so many levels. We should pretend it never happened." She replied.  
"What never happened?" the guy wondered and smirked "Us getting married or you leaving without a word the next morning? Because both are fond memories I'd like to hold onto."  
"You actually do remember? But no, there will be no memories. I'm not the girl in the where ever we met and you're not the guy. This can't exist. You get that, right?" she started to ramble.  
"You took advantage of me and now you want to forget all about it." Derek teased her.  
"I did not take advantage of you, I was drunk." She said. Why would he accuse her of something like this?  
"Well, I was drunk and vulnerable, and good looking and you took advantage." He elaborated while his eyes were focusing hers.  
"I was the drunken one and you're not that good looking." She defended herself. She couldn't shake the feeling that he was actually trying to flirt with her.  
"Maybe not in my scrubs or tonight, but in Vegas I was. I was very good looking. I had my red shirt on. My good looking shirt. You took advantage." Her husband told her.  
"I did not." She insisted.  
"Want to take advantage again? Friday night? Getting to know that husband of yours." He boldly asked her.  
"No, you're an attending. I'm your intern." Meredith stated as she never intended to date anyone who was working at the hospital, even though realistically speaking it was too late already.  
"Stop looking at me like that!"  
"Like what?" Dr. Shepherd wanted to know. What was he looking like?  
"Like you've seen me naked. I can't do this, see, even though you're friends with Sloan, I am sure you are a nice guy, but you don't know me, you don't want to get to know me, believe me, I'm trouble, I'm damaged, I have to go. We can talk about the divorce tomorrow. I'm sure you still have that divorce attorney on speed dial." She said before she ran away and got into her car. Arriving at the car she noticed that she had left the keys at the bar and considering her recent encounters, she didn't want to return there tonight.

"Stupid, stupid Meredith, getting drunk in Vegas and end up sleeping with a guy who turns out to be your attending." She mumbled to herself walking into an on-call room.  
"Mer, you went to Vegas?" she heard a voice saying from the top of a bunk bed. Damn, this wasn't Cristina, she was busted.  
"Hell, Iz, you scared the shit out of me, what are you doing here at this time of the night? You are not on call" she wondered.  
"You went to Vegas? Who did you sleep with? Sloan?" Izzie asked her.  
"I did go to Vegas and I slept with my husband." She said visually disturbed.  
"You're not married Mer." Izzie stated confused.  
"I am." Meredith said and sat down remaining silent.

"You got married to Sloan? In Vegas? That's why he stopped requesting you afterwards?" Izzie wondered. This story didn't make any sense.  
"No, I wish I did though. Would have been slightly less embarrassing than this. Getting married to a stranger, who had been divorced for less than 48 hours at the time." Meredith told her friend, who still had trouble to figure out the whole story.  
"You're rambling Mer, what are you talking about? I don't get it." Izzie stated.  
"Here! Read that!" Meredith told her handing over the ring she wore on her necklace to Izzie. "_Meredith &amp; Derek forever_." Stevens read  
"You got married in Vegas? Is this some sort of requirement to be living at our house?"  
"I did. And no it isn't" Meredith explained.  
"And Derek is Derek Shepherd." Izzie connected the dots.  
"He is." Meredith confirmed.  
"This is bad. Who knows about this?" Izzie wanted to know.  
"You, me, Cristina, Mark and Derek" Meredith listed everyone who could possibly know.  
"Why haven't you told me earlier? I thought we were friends" Izzie wondered.  
"Because I sort of don't remember getting married or him. This is so embarrassing and I would love to forget about all of this" Meredith cried.  
"Meredith, you have to talk to him. About the wedding, the divorce, everything." Izzie told her friend while giving her a warm hug.  
"I know, but you know, I'm the queen of avoidance and I only found out today who I am actually married to, so just give me a day or two. Don't tell anyone about it yet." Meredith said crying.  
"Alright, Mer. Let me get you home now. Get some sleep."


	8. I Hate Everyone

Chapter 8 I Hate Everyone

Derek felt slightly guilty when Sloan approached his friend the next morning, but he didn't feel like drinking after his confrontation with Meredith and he still had to apologize for telling him that marrying Meredith was his fault.  
"Where have you been last night? You stood me up. I've been waiting for you all night." the plastic surgeon asked.  
"Meredith doesn't seem to like you." He said nonchalantly.  
"You talked to her and all she told you was that she didn't like me? Wait, you consummated the marriage?" he said smirking.  
"No, we absolutely didn't, I met her at the parking lot, we talked, but we didn't really talk. She ran off before we could discuss anything. I know I should just ask for a divorce, but even though she's a stranger and this should be a very easy thing to do, it isn't. There's something about her." Derek admitted.  
"You must have had the best sex of your life that night, Shep." Mark stated impressed. He never heard his friend talking about a woman like this.  
"It's not about the sex, Mark. It's about the moment afterwards." Derek admitted. He loved her smell and her little snore when she fell asleep even though he hoped that this snoring was in fact induced by the amount of alcohol she had consumed.  
"You don't make any sense, dude." Mark stated as he wasn't into the whole romantic fate crap.  
"Mark, when I asked Addison for a divorce it was easy, we hadn't been good for too long. Each of us pursuit their own careers and with the long hours at the hospital we drifted apart, became emotionally uninvolved. I loved Addison when we got married, I was crazy about her, but it's different with Meredith. When she asked me to call the lawyers last night I felt like something in me got shattered. Ever since that weekend she's all I can think about. I came to Seattle trying to forget about her, I could have forgotten about Addison in New York. But that's obviously not going to work now. There's something about Meredith that I can't forget." Derek explained.  
"You're screwed up, man, really screwed up." Mark Sloan said shaking his head and walking towards his office.

Meanwhile the interns were getting ready for their day at the hospital "So you and Shepherd?" Izzie asked Meredith while they were both lying in bed next to each other.  
"Yes, me, a bottle of tequila and Shepherd. I can't go to work today. In fact I'm never going to go back to work again. Ever. Maybe he's just going to disappear. Just like this ring" Meredith tried to ignore the reality she was going to have to face and the headache that she felt ever since waking up.  
"We are interns. Slaves of the hospital. Bottom of the surgical food chain and all of this shit. Nothing is going to change that, Mer. It's not something to run away from. This marriage thing is not something that goes away on its own. You have to talk to him and to the lawyers" Izzie tried to knock some sense of reality into her as they were interrupted by George, who still had no clue about Meredith's marriage,  
"Hey, you better hurry or you are going to have to go in by yourselves. Callie doesn't want to wait." As Izzie knew Meredith wasn't ready to share her secret with the world she told George that he could leave without them.  
"You can go in; I'll take care of Meredith and make sure she shows up on time for rounds." As this hadn't been the first time Izzie took care of a hung over Meredith he just wondered if it was "Tequila or boys?" this time.  
"Both I guess. Bye, George. Mer, Come on, you have to get up." Izzie said addressing both George and Meredith.  
As George left the house, Meredith refused to get out of bed "I can't"  
"You will or I am going to tell Bailey about it" Izzie threatened her.  
"That's blackmail, but fine, I'm coming" Meredith answered annoyed.

Meredith and Izzie made it just in time for assignments. Meredith was adjusting her hair as Bailey started with their assignments for the day "Yang – Burke, O'Malley – Sloan, Karev – Ob requested you, Stevens – you're on peds today, Grey- ER. But you better get to the roof the pager says that there's a helicopter coming in. Page the responsible attending once you have a diagnosis. So, hurry, you better get going. Why are you standing around here? Hurry, you fools."

Meredith hurried to get up to the roof and prayed that the incoming case wasn't neuro. She really didn't want to meet Shepherd after the run in in front of the hospital the day before. She liked him, and she hated him. Or she hated herself for liking him and for getting drunk enough to marry him and him for being so charming. Urh, she thought this was getting way to complicated. As she pushed the gurney into the hospital she was disappointed, this was definitely a neuro case. Of course this wouldn't be a case to consult a general surgeon or to page cardio or peds or ortho, it had to be neuro because the universe was trying to screw with her, she thought to herself.  
The paramedic told her that the patient was "Female, 16, multiple seizures."  
" Seizures, Someone page neuro. Get her down to the MRI." she told one of the nurses thinking that this must be her lucky day.

As she waited in the MRI room for the scans to be processed, Dr. Shepherd arrived.  
"Dr. Shepherd" she greeted the attending.  
"Dr. Shepherd, two weeks ago it was Derek, now it's Dr. Shepherd?" the attending smirked She tried to be professional, but last night made this even more difficult. Before their conversation could shift into an uncomfortable direction the MRI technician informed her that the scans were ready.  
"I can't see anything" she said looking at the scans.  
"Because there isn't anything. Any indication of what it might be from the blood tests?" Dr. Shepherd asked her. As she was interested in finding a diagnosis she checked the labs quickly concluding that there was nothing.  
"No headaches, no pregnancy, no infections, no drug use, no trauma." This girl should be fine, but she wasn't.  
"You're out of answers. You're off the case for now, Dr. Grey. Go to your resident." Dr. Shepherd told her coldly. She wasn't used to this kind of treatment. There is nothing she had done wrong and yet she had been kicked off her case. What was this guy thinking? Maybe he was a professional jerk! Or maybe he wanted to make her life miserable because she refused to go out on a date with him.

After walking into Mark Sloan in the hall and saying "Tell Dr. Shepherd that he is a jackass", Meredith hurried to the cafeteria where Cristina was already waiting for her. She sat down and locked at Cristina. As Izzie approached her friends in the cafeteria she heard Meredith say "McDreamy is being a McAss. He kicked me off my case."  
"What have you done? Trouble in paradise? Is your husband not satisfied with your professional qualities? 10 minutes of working together and mystery husband kicks you off his service?" Cristina interrogated her.  
"Funny Cris, I didn't do anything wrong. There's this annoying pageant girl who is having grand seizures, but apparently there is nothing wrong with her. And as I couldn't find anything he told me to ask Bailey for something else" Meredith explained.  
"Did he find anything?" Christina asked and Meredith shook her head in response. Shortly afterwards their pager went off asking them to come to a conference room near the interns locker room.


	9. The First Cut Is The Deepest

Chapter 9 The first cut is the deepest

As the interns gathered in the conference room with their residents lined up at the back of the room Derek Shepherd walked into the room "Well, hello everyone. I'm going to do something pretty rare for a surgeon. I'm going to ask interns for help. Katie Bryce. Right now she's a mystery."

"Much like that husband of yours used to be, Mer." Cristina mumbled amused as Shepherd continued his speech explaining the patient's details.  
"I thought it was a seizure disorder, now I'm not sure. She doesn't respond to meds, all labs came out clean, scans are pure but she's having grand mall seizures and we have no visible cause. The clock is ticking. I need to find out why Katie is having seizures and I need you for it. Play detective. I know you are tired and you have more work than you can possibly handle, so I'm going to give you an incentive. Whoever finds out gets to scrub in and assist on an advanced procedure. Here are the charts. The clock is ticking." He left the charts on the table and walked out.

"Mer, I want in on Shepherd's surgery. You were on the case from the start and I am brilliant, chances are one of us gets to scrub in." Cristina said excited about the possibility of scrubbing in.  
"Why? You don't like neuro. But I will work with you, but I don't want the surgery. Have it anyway." Meredith wondered.  
"You are kidding me, right? You love neuro. Don't tell me it's because of him." Cristina said.  
"Well, I don't want to spend any more time with him than necessary. If we find the answer, the surgery is yours." Meredith explained figuring Cristina wanted in on the surgery for the very same reason. As her thoughts shifted towards reviewing the case, it suddenly hit her  
"But get up!" Meredith commanded. While she loved neuro, she really didn't want to face Shepherd for hours in a confided room after their recent encounters, but she still wanted to help the patient. Shepherd and her had been a disaster so far. Every time they met she did something stupid and dug herself further and further into the mess she created. Cristina asked her for her reasons, but she didn't answer and started to look for a possible explanation instead. After all they shouldn't waste any time.  
"The beauty pageant, she is competing in beauty pageants. You know what her pageant talent is?" she explained and Cristina chuckled asking  
"You are trying to tell me that they have talent?"  
"Rhythmic gymnastics" she stated, not really knowing what it was she just remembered talking to the girl on the way to the MRI.  
"Oh, oh come on." Cristina told her thinking she couldn't be serious.  
"What is it? I don't know. I can't even say it. I don't know what it is." Meredith said when she realized she might just have found an answer to why the seizures occurred.  
"Anyway, get up now. Come on." She said hurrying to find Dr. Shepherd.

As they arrived at the elevator Dr. Shepherd had just entered Cristina started to explain "Dr. Shepherd. Just one moment please, Katie competes in beauty pageants".  
"I know that but we have to save her life anyway" he joked and put on a cocky smile. Could he be serious Meredith thought as Cristina continued explaining  
"Okay, she has no headaches, no neck pain, CT is clean. There is virtually no medical proof of an aneurysm." He nodded. "What if she has one anyway?" Cristina asked him, he insisted that there weren't any indicators for it.  
Meredith cut in, because in fact there were "But she twisted her ankle a few weeks ago when she was practicing for the pageant…" she started to explain when he interrupted her saying "…Okay, I'm sure you're trying to help…", but Meredith insisted "she fell when she twisted her ankle. She fell."  
"Not a big deal, not even a bump on the head, you know she got right back up. Iced her ankle and everything was fine, but it was a fall." Cristina added. "It was so minor her doctor didn't even think to mention it when I was taking her history. But she did. She did fall." Meredith continued. He looked like he was considering the possibility, but asked the two interns  
"You know what the chances that a minor fall bursts into an aneurysm are? One in a million. Literally."  
The elevator door closed and both Meredith and Cristina turned around to walk away. For a second Meredith thought that he probably really was an arrogant jerk, but the door opened again and he walked out saying "Let's go". Leaving Cristina to wonder where to.  
"To find out if this girl is one in a million." Derek stated.

He sent the two interns to get a more detailed scan and joined them when they got the results.  
"I'll be damned." He said looking at the scan.  
"There it is" the MRI technician pointed towards a dot on the scans.  
"It's minute, but it's there. It's a sub-arachnoid hemorrhage. She's bleeding into her brain. She could have gone throughout her entire life without it ever being a problem. But one tap in the right spot." Derek elaborated.  
"Right spot." Cristina nodded. They had found out what caused the seizures.  
"Now I get to fix it. You two did great work. Love to stay and kiss your asses, but I got to tell Katie's parents she's having surgery." Derek told them.  
While turning around Cristina reminded him "Ah, Dr. Shepherd, you said that you'd pick someone to scrub in if we helped."  
He stopped for a second and said "Oh yes, right. Um. I'm sorry I can't take both, it's going to be full house. Dr. Grey, I'll see you in the OR." Leaving Meredith and Cristina on their own. Cristina was shocked and upset at Meredith and walked out in a huff.  
"Cristina" Meredith shouted as her friend walked away.

"Maybe Meredith couldn't say…" Izzie tried to tell Cristina. Both of them knew that Meredith hadn't been awfully competitive about getting into surgeries.  
"Izzie" Cristina said as Meredith approached telling her  
"I'll tell him I changed my mind."  
"About the marriage or about the surgery? I'm curious. You know don't give… don't do me any favors. It's fine." Cristina said furiously.  
"Cristina." Meredith said. She had no clue why her person was so mad at her.  
"No Mer. You know what you did a cut throat thing. Don't come to me for absolution. You wanna be a shark. Be one." Cristina said hurt.  
"You know I'm not… "Meredith tried to clarify, but Cristina wasn't appeased "Yes you are. Only it makes you feel bad in all your warm gooey places. You know screw you. I don't get picked for surgeries because I slept with my boss and I didn't get into med school because I have a famous mother. Some of us have to earn what we get."  
"I don't believe you just said this." Meredith said knowing she had kept Cristina's relationship with Burke a secret. She wasn't the one who got to scrub in because she had sex, Cristina was being a hypocrite! But she was mad at Dr. Shepherd too. Why didn't he pick Cristina? Why did he force her to spend the next 4 to 6 hours with her?

Dr. Shepherd entered the elevator just as the doors closed. It was the first time they were alone since meeting at the parking lot.  
"Did you choose me for the surgery because I slept with you?" Meredith blared out.  
"No, because we are married." Derek answered with a huge smile on his face. Meredith starred at him as she didn't know how to react.  
"I'm kidding" he clarified.  
"I'm not going to scrub in for surgery. You should ask Cristina. She really wants it." She insisted, but he started to explain his decision to her  
"Meredith, you're her doctor. You helped to save her life, you listened to what your patient was saying, caught something so minor that even her previous fully certified doctor didn't catch it and you earned the right to follow her case through to finish. You shouldn't let the fact that we had sex or that we got married get in the way of you taking your shot. From what I can see you never scrubbed in when Dr. Nelson performed any procedures like this."  
"So this was a professional decision?" she wanted to reassure herself.  
"It was. You are the intern that shows most promise in Neuro and Dr. Webber said that you had been working with Dr. Nelson on a regular basis. You talked to the patient, you found the aneurism, you get to scrub in" he told her.  
"One in a million" he said looking at her.

As he turned around to look into her face, she dropped the files she was holding and pushes him against the wall. Kissing him passionately, making out with him until the elevator stops and they break apart. "We'll talk later?" he asked as she collects her files and hides in a supply closet. What are you doing, Meredith? She asks herself. This cannot happen.

"So we are kissing, but we're getting divorced? My last divorce hasn't worked like this. In fact my wife and I just didn't care about each other anymore, there was definitely no kissing" Derek said when he entered the scrub room.  
"I knew that was going to come up." Meredith said breathing out.  
"Don't get me wrong, I liked the kissing, I'm all for the kissing. More kissing I say." Derek smirked.  
"I have no idea what that was about." Meredith admitted reminiscing about the moment in the elevator.  
"Is it going to happen again? Because if it is I'm gonna need to bring breath mints" he asked her loudly, leaning over to her ear whispering "Put a condom in my wallet" as Meredith whispered " Shut up now." Her emotions felt like a rollercoaster ride ever since she found out about the marriage. How on earth did she get into this mess and how could she get herself out? She didn't date coworkers and all she could think about was having wild sex with the new neuro attending right before the most advanced surgery she was ever allowed to be part of.

Meredith hadn't ever felt like this before. Even though this hadn't been the first time that she had scrubbed into a surgery, it felt different today. She couldn't quite point out what it was, but maybe it was the thrill of working with a new surgeon. "Good night everyone, it's a beautiful night so save lives" Derek said as the nurses finished the preparation for surgery. He opened the skull and asked her to step up to the microscope. She looked guilty when she saw Cristina sitting up in the gallery on her own. She surely enjoyed being in the OR. The time went by so incredibly fast, she couldn't believe it. She felt the high she had felt during her very first surgery again. "I don't know why anybody does drugs" she told him and he just stood next to her, looking at her and smiled. "Anyway, I have to go", he smiled turning around.

She was surprised to find Cristina waiting for her outside of the scrub room.  
"I kissed Derek" she blurred out to her friend.  
"You kissed Derek" Cristina repeated in a matter of fact tone.  
"In the elevator" Meredith added.  
"Oh you kissed him in the elevator" Cristina said.  
"I was having a bad day" Meredith said, pausing for a moment "I am having a bad day"  
"So what do you do on your bad days? Make out with Dr. McDreamy?" This was more than she could handle and as her shift was up she decided to leave immediately running away from Cristina and the conversation they had. As she saw that Dr. Shepherd was waiting in front of the elevator, she looked at him and smiled.  
"I'm so taking the stairs this time." He told her  
"You have no self control. It's sad. Really" as she walked off.


	10. Winning a Battle

_Thanks for the reviews, but you have to be patient for now, they rushed their wedding, they are taking their time with everything else, it's going to get less awkward between them soon... I promise... _  
_Outline for the Storyline of the next 10 chapters is finished ;)_

* * *

Chapter 10 Winning a battle

"Morning Dr. Bailey" Derek Shepherd greeted the resident as he met her at the junction in front of the hospital the next morning. She holds up her hand and tells him to shut up. She seems to be preoccupied with something. Derek thought she ignored her and asked her whether she knew that she was only a resident. "You realize you work for me, right?", but Bailey still ignored the question, mumbling something to herself. What was she forgetting? She should know something was happening today, but she didn't know what it was. "Alright, nice talking to you, Dr. Bailey" Derek said as he wanted to walk across the street, but he was pulled back to the curb by Dr. Bailey as several bike ride racers drove past them. "Now I remember. Watch out, Shepherd! Fools on bikes killing themselves. Natural selection is what it is."

"The dead baby bar bike race is on today." An excited Meredith said. "My mom used to love that day when she worked at Mercy West. All kinds of fools coming into the pit" It usually meant surgeries for everyone and an overcrowded ER. "What's up with that?" Karev wondered. "You never heard of the race?" George asked, everyone from Seattle knew about the race "Every year this bar holds this underground bike race. This race is completely illegal and" "Crazy" Meredith cut in "a bunch of bike messengers racing against traffic trying to beat each other for free shots of tequila.""Don't you wonder why someone would name a bar something so disgusting?" Izzie asked them, which annoyed Cristina, who rolled her eyes and said "Keep your panties on, Nancy Drew." "So everyone is at the ER today?" Karev wondered. "You can bet your asses on that, come on move" their resident ordered them to go to the ER immediately.

"Grey, get in exam room 1, the patient needs an abdominal exam and stitching up" Bailey ordered her intern. The exam room was adjacent to the pit and the patient was already waiting for her sitting on an exam table. He was the typical Dead Baby Bike race participant and he had the typical Dead Baby Bike race injuries. "Ah, you got a nice touch. And by the way, you are a rocking babe" Viper told her as she began to examine his wounds. She knew how to deal with flirtatious attending, but flirtatious patients were a new chapter all together. "Seriously, do you actually think you have a shot here? I'm married" she asked him. "I like to think I've got a shot anywhere" Viper told her. "Oh" Meredith said looking at the picture of portable ultrasound. "Look, you really have to let me take you for some tests, run a CT. You could have internal bleeding." "No thank you, I've got a race to get back to" he told her. The patients were actually as stupid and as suicidal as her mother had told her. Secretly Meredith always thought that her mother was trying to advertise the event to her to have a chance that she might get killed in a car accident, but even during her wildest days Meredith wouldn't have done that. "Why? You can't win now anyway!" she asked him. "Doesn't mean I can't cross that finish line. There's a party at the finish line." He said and leaned over to her whispering if she wanted to meet him there. "Okay, well, you realize that you are leaving against medical advice and that I strongly urge you to stay." "The frat boy said I could go" Viper said. Knowing he was referring to Karev she noted "The frat guy is an ass. Okay, well, you have to sign an AMA form here."

"Darling, I will do anything you want me to" the patient said flirtatiously with a big smile on his face as she held the clipboard for him to sign the form. He takes the form and signs it, puts it on the table saying "There". He gets up and takes a few steps towards the door, but turns back abruptly approaching her. He grabs her and presses his lips onto hers as she holds her hands up in protest. He bids farewell saying "That was for good luck. Don't worry, darling, you'll see me again." For his sake she hopes she won't see him again.

As she shakes her body and strips the bed to prepare it for the next patient she looks up and sees Dr. Shepherd standing outside looking through a window. As she moves to the exit, he opens the door. "What do you want?" she asks him trying hard not to smile. "You make out with patients now? Two weeks of marriage and my wife is already cheating on me" he smirks. "What are you jealous? I told him I was married" she asks flirtatiously. "I don't get jealous" he states looking into her eyes. "We had sex, once." She tells him "and we kissed in an elevator. And we signed a marriage license, in case you forgot about that" he adds. "And we kissed in an elevator, once. And we did sign a marriage license. Drunk. In Vegas. It doesn't mean anything" she repeats what she just heard. "But it's a convenient excuse if patients hit on you? Seriously, Meredith, I mean come on, go out with me" Derek insisted. "No" she stated firmly. "I don't ever date coworkers. Never mind bosses" "You are married to one" he continued being semi serious "You know I almost died today. I came like this close. How would you feel if I died after just two weeks of marriage? And you didn't get a chance to go out with your husband?" He certainly was full of himself. "Get over yourself already" she told him. "Come on" he smiled. "It's the chase, isn't it?" Meredith wondered. "What?" Derek asked. "The thrill of the chase." She explained "I've been wondering to myself, why are you so hell bent on getting me to go out with you? Why not just ask for a divorce and finish this chapter as quickly as it started. You know you're my boss, you know it's against the rules; you know I keep saying no. It's the chase and making fun of a girl who got very drunk and very married in Vegas." He couldn't help but be fascinated by this petite person "Well, it's fun, isn't it? And I doubt that the hospital has rules that prohibit me from seeing my wife" he told her with a big smile on his face. "You see? This is a game to you. But not to me. Because unlike you, I still have something to prove!" she said as she left the room. Why was she getting so agitated every time he talked to her?

"Derek! Good to see you. Busy day, isn't it?" Dr. Webber said as he saw his former student looking at the OR board. "It surely is; all those crazy bikers keep me busy for sure" he agreed. "So how are you doing" his former mentor wanted to know. "I'm fine, settling in here seems to go smoother than I expected" Derek told the Chief. "Derek, please, I really hope you settle in and I'm sure Dr. Sloan can help you with this, but you have to take off that ring. It's better to realize it's over when it's over." His former mentor said in a concerned way. "Richard, as long as I don't know that my wife is never going to make love to me the way she did on her wedding night, I'm not giving up on this marriage. She's everything I ever wanted in a woman. Smart, funny, she knows what she wants and isn't afraid to be herself" he told his boss his version of the truth as he obviously couldn't tell him that this in fact was a new wedding band. "Alright, Derek, but don't hold onto something that is gone." The Chief reminded him. He knew both Derek and his ex wife, in fact he had been to their wedding eleven years ago. Richard never thought that both of them would be divorced 11 years later.

Meredith was exhausted as she finally finished her shift in the ER. She had sutured more patients than she could possibly remember and looked like a zombie when she walked into an almost empty elevator.

"Seattle has ferry boats." The man who was standing behind her told her. "Yes." She told him. "I didn't know that. I didn't know there were ferryboats." Derek continued. "Seattle is surrounded by water on three sides." She explained to him. "Hence the ferryboats. Now I have to like it here. I wasn't planning on liking it here. I'm from New York. Genetically engineered to dislike everywhere except Manhattan. I have a thing for ferry boats." He continued. "I'm not going out with you." She said out of the blue. "Did I ask you to go out with me?" he wondered. She didn't answer, so he continued "Do you want to go out with me?" "I'm not dating you, I'm definitely not sleeping you again. We're getting a divorce, you're my boss." His wife told him. "I'm your boss' boss." He mocked her "Meredith, we don't have to be anything if you don't want to, but I have this thing for ferry boats and it's not going away." "I almost drowned after a ferryboat accident. My heart stopped beating for thirty minutes. I do not know whether I like ferryboats. Good night, Dr. Shepherd." She said as she left the elevator and exited the hospital to get back home.

"It's not the chase, Meredith" she heard a voice saying as she tried to unlock her car. "What?" she asked. "You and me. It's not the thrill of the chase. It's not a game." He tells her as he walks up to her "it's your tiny ineffectual fists. And your hair." "My hair?" she smiles and wonders. He nods. "Smells good. And you're very, very bossy. Keeps me in line." They stare at each other for a while. "Maybe we should go over to the bar and talk about all of this" she says smiling.


	11. Strangers In The Night

Chapter 11 Strangers in the night

Having thought about Derek's words for an entire day, Meredith had decided that she should give Derek a chance to talk to her. Derek already waited for her at the bar when she walked in after a shift on Burke's service. "There you are. I was worried you had forgotten all about me" he teased her.  
She smiled as she sat down next to him and asked: "So, how did we meet?" him straight away.

"You don't remember?" he wondered because for him that moment had been magical and it was something he was never going to forget.  
"I don't." she replied calmly while observing the expression on his face.  
"The long version or the short one?" Derek wondered.  
"I remember the short version The short version is: we met, we got drunk, we got married, I woke up in an empty hotel room the next morning and I left. I need the long version." Meredith told him.

"Alright, the long version: We met at a bar." Started to talk with his eyes sparkling as he started.  
"We met at a bar. This is the long version? We met at a bar. It's shorter than the short version." she told him.  
"Let me continue." He insisted "After the divorce and everything that happened with my ex wife I was only looking for a weekend out with Mark. But it was Saturday afternoon, Mark had just left with a random blonde, so I sat there alone and as I was looking over I saw this beautiful woman at the counter. She was wearing a black dress."  
"And you saw a woman at the counter who was wearing a black dress." She repeated.  
"…and she was ordering Tequila. Straight tequila." Derek added hinting it was her he described.  
"I'm the beautiful woman? You think I'm beautiful?" she asked with a smile on her face.  
"You were. I went over to see her and asked her how she was doing. Ordered a double single malt and tried to talk to you. But you tried to ignore me." He smirked.

"I tried to ignore you, which apparently didn't work to well!" she concluded. Why did she have no self control?  
"No, it didn't because you smiled when I suggested that you had to get to know me to love me." He said looking into her eyes and she laughed out as she said "So if I know you, I'll love you.".  
"That's what you said that night too." He remembered.  
"What was your reply?" she wanted to know. The way he told their story had captivated her.  
"Yes. I said yes." He said.  
"So you really like yourself." She said amused.  
"Again, I get the feeling you remember this conversation. I told you that I was just hiding my pain and asked you what your story was. You said that you were just a girl in a bar." Derek continued.  
"I'm just a girl in a bar. So what did you say?" asked.  
He smiled at her and took a sip from his drink as he responded "I'm just a guy in a bar."  
"So this is how you met me? This is our story" Meredith asked.  
"Yes, this is how I met you. Just a guy and a girl in a bar. No motives, no agenda, just a boy and a girl at a bar." he said looking into her eyes.

While she was captivated by the story, she got even more scared that she might actually fall for him. This was inappropriate and she knew it. She was a mess and her life was messy so she wanted to break the romantic atmosphere and summarized harshly what had happened later that night "Who got even more drunk and got married and did whatever we did in that hotel room."  
Derek sensed that she tried to push him away and told her: "Meredith, I'm not sorry about what happened. It felt like I was drowning and you saved me, that's all I know."  
Confused by his response, her brain chose flight as appropriate response mechanism making her say "But it's not enough, Derek. I don't know anything about you. But I know that I'm not the girl you screw to get over getting screwed or you marry over getting divorced even though that might be the most stupid thing you could do. Derek, I don't know anything about you. I don't date coworkers because nothing good comes from this. I don't know what I what."  
Derek, somewhat disappointed by her statement, asked "So do you want a divorce?" with a sad look on his eyes.  
"I don't know." Meredith admitted 'But I guess I do. I'm scared and I'm damaged, I don't deserve good things. I'm dark and twisty. I'm messed up and I really have to go.' She thought. She loved him even though she hated him. He made her want to have his babies and it scared her. She was confused and she didn't like it.  
"Bye, Derek" she said as she walked away.


	12. It's All Coming Back To Me Now

Chapter 12 It's All Coming Back To Me Now

"Crap" Meredith greeted Derek as he entered the elevator the next morning.  
"Crap?" he wondered.  
"Hey, I'm late." She said.  
"You are avoiding me." He stated thinking it was spot on. They had communicated the night before, so he thought he knew when she tried to cut him off.  
"Yes, but also late." She told him.  
"Okay, are we going to talk about this? Last night?" he wondered.  
"No" was all the answer he got.  
"Meredith?" he asked. She didn't answer, so after a pause that seemed to last an eternity she asked "What? What is it? "He was taken by surprise, he didn't expect her to answer in a rather calm manner  
"Oh, I thought I'd just say "Meredith" and then you would yell at me. I haven't thought about it past that point. I actually didn't have anything planned." He told her.  
"Bye Derek." She told him as the doors of the elevator opened.  
He followed her outside saying "Meredith, we need to talk about this"  
"Bye Derek" she told him with an angry look on her face as she entered the intern locker room.

After Bailey had finished the assignments they all went to the attendings they had been assigned to. Meredith was happy about her assignment because there was a possibility that she had to face neither Sloan nor Shepherd today. After last night she needed time to think. How was this whole marriage thing ever going to get resolved if she fell for him, she wondered. "Dr. Webber. I'm your intern for today" she greeted the chief enthusiastically.  
"Dr. Grey, it's a pleasure to see you. How are you doing?" he replied with a smile on his face. She really was the spitting image of her mother.  
"Fine, Sir." she said and for once she actually meant it looking forward to a day full of high profile patients and interesting surgical cases.  
"That's good. You know you can come to me, if you feel like talking to anyone." He told her thinking about her mother's recent death. 'What was he thinking? He was her boss. Just because he had slept with her mom, doesn't give him the right to care about her' she thought. All of a sudden this day was shifting in a weird direction. She had a feeling that this was not going to end well and usually she was right.  
"Come on, Grey, we have a patient to see. " Webber told her in a fatherly voice.  
"Yeah. Uhm." she replied as she followed him to the surgical floor.

After doing Webber's post ops and assisting on an appendectomy she finally had the opportunity to sit down and grab lunch at the cafeteria when Cristina approached her as she was thinking about the evening before.  
"Oh. You are not going to believe… Derek met a girl… in a bar. And he flirted with her. And he told me." She told her friend. "You know, no big deal. Just thought you should know" Cristina was quite confused because what she heard didn't make any sense. No sense what so ever. As she knew they had been on a 'date' the previous night, but so far the spouses had acted weird around each other and Meredith had exhibited her usual flight behavior, but today it sounded like she was actually getting emotionally involved with the guy as she was rambling and talking about their date. But Cristina had other things to worry about. She wanted to get something off her chest, something she needed to share.  
"Meredith" Cristina interrupted her, but to no avail.  
"I'm not exaggerating. He didn't even hint. He just flat out told me." Meredith rambled.  
"Meredith. You know how sometimes it's about you and sometimes it's about me. This time it really is about me. I'm pregnant." She interrupted her friend.

"You're what? How did this happen? Is it Burke's`?" a shocked Meredith replied.  
"Mer, shut up, be quiet. Sure it's his." Cristina answered a little mad. It must be all the estrogen Meredith thought.  
"You tell me news like this and expect me to be quiet? How did this happen?" she asked.  
"I think we both went to Med School. We know how this happens. So Derek met a girl in a bar" Cristina said shifting the conversation back to Meredith as she just wanted to break the news to someone and didn't intend to have a full blown conversation about it.  
"He met me, I'm the girl in the bar" Meredith explained.  
"Okay, you are the girl in the bar." Cristina summarized even though she still didn't have a clue what Meredith was actually trying to tell her.  
"What are you going to do about it? Are you keeping it? Sorry, I really have to go, surgery with Webber" Meredith said as she got up and hurried to get to the OR.

"You really do have your mother's steady hands, her calmness. You're a natural Meredith. She would be proud to see you here" Dr. Webber told his intern as she finished closing up the patient.  
"I somehow doubt that." Meredith said thinking that she would never have the skills her mother had. After all it had been her mother who had done her best to keep her out of med school for 3 years after her college graduation because she had told her over and over again that she didn't had what it took to be a surgeon, that she would never make it  
"Meredith, Your mother had her flaws, but she definitely loved you. She wanted to have you; she kept a picture in her locker and talked about you a lot. She might have been absent, but you were always on her mind." Meredith got mad when he said that.  
"Dr. Webber. My mother was a brilliant surgeon. An outstanding one even, but she was a crappy mother. Just because you had an affair with her and split up my parent's marriage doesn't mean you get to act like my father. You know that day at the carousel? You remember what happened? You ended things with her! You ended it and that's when you lost any right to talk about her to me, about her to anyone. You ended it and she tried to kill herself. You have no right to say this to me. Stop acting like some sort of surrogate father." She screamed. This was so inappropriate. What had she gotten herself into?  
"Meredith, I'm just …" Dr. Webber tried to calm her down, but she was way behind the point to be calmed down  
"Because you slept with my mother, that doesn't make you my father." She continued and Dr. Webber got equally mad screaming "I'm trying to pretend that I didn't hear what I just heard. Get out of my OR Dr. Grey."

She ran out and hid in the next supply closet. She had to breathe. Breathe, Meredith, Breathe! Could she ever leave the supply closet? Her little nervous breakdown would be all over the hospital within the next 30 minutes. How could she possibly survive the day? Unfortunately she had patients to look after, so she forced herself to get out of the supply closet.

At the same time Derek approached the Chief, who was standing on the bridge that connected the two surgical floors. "Richard, you have to talk to Adele, you look miserable and I can tell it's because of that divorce. This is not healthy, you can't work all the time" Derek told his boss and mentor.  
"Derek, this is none of your business" the Chief dismissed his well intentioned comment.  
"Richard, you look miserable and I'm inclined to think it's because of the divorce. You love Adele"  
"Sometimes you notice you made the wrong decision and it's too late" Richard told him.  
"The divorce hasn't been finalized yet, there's still a chance to fix it" Derek replied unaware of what had happened in the OR minutes before.  
"No there isn't, she's dead and I didn't choose her, there is nothing I can do about it now. I shouldn't have ever been with Adele for so long" Webber screamed at him  
"You don't know what you are saying Richard. You do love her" Derek told his boss even though he was confused about what he had just heard and didn't fully process it.  
"With all due respect I don't think this is any of your business" Richard insisted.  
"It is, if you try to get involved in my business, Richard. Calling my ex wife to come to Seattle for a consult. This is not cool" Derek got increasingly more emotional about this. He was still surprised that Richard had even considered to call Addison to come over from New York just for one case and he was even more surprised to find a call on his voice mail asking him to meet up for dinner and 'discuss' things as she had called it.  
"That was a business decision, Derek." The Chief insisted "But after our conversation yesterday I thought that you wanted to work on this. That you still wanted to work on your relationship with Addison."  
"What I told you was that I love my wife." He answered  
"How? Why?"a very angry Chief yelled at him.

Their scene had already caught the attention of everyone close by and as Meredith walked past Cristina she pulled her towards her and pointed towards Dr. Shepherd and Dr. Webber saying "Mer, you have to watch this, this is interesting. I swear, if you wait two more minutes one of them is going to punch the other"  
"What are Dr. Shepherd and the Chief doing up there?" Meredith wanted to know as she was completely unaware of what had been going on there while she was in the supply closet.  
So Cristina summarized it for her "Screaming at each other, apparently, we should stick around because I have a feeling that this is going to be interesting."  
Knowing what had happened in the OR and knowing what had happened the night before she just said "I just hope neither of them does something stupid."

"Richard, I got married after the divorce." Derek told his boss.  
"Derek, You got divorced two and a half weeks ago, when did this happen? What were you thinking? You don't get divorce after 11 years of marriage and marry the next girl you run into." Richard Webber screamed at him. Funny, Meredith thought, people who sit in a glasshouse shouldn't throw stones.  
"Richard, I don't think this is any of YOUR business. I am doing my job and I'm a grown up. I met the most amazing woman I ever met and we got married. I love the way she smiles, I love it when she freaks out because she's feeling insecure, I love her enthusiasm. I was in love with her the second I saw her. I don't think I have to discuss that with you." Derek screamed for everyone to hear. He confessed his love to Meredith in front of everyone; obviously without saying it was Meredith he was talking about.  
As the yelling continued she asked Cristina "Did he just say he loves me and make a speech that he loves me in a very weird pretend to like my taste of music kind of way?"  
"I think so, McDreamy is all yours." Her friend agreed.  
"Was he like this when you met?" Cristina joked and received a deathly stare from Meredith as Meredith still couldn't remember anything about that night.  
As Meredith couldn't shake the feeling that he was going to mention her name if she stuck around any longer, she had to leave. "I can't do this, I can't look at the chief if he blurs out that he's married to me, it's already awkward enough knowing that he had an affair with my mother and he has some weird sense of protection for me. I don't need this on top of that! Bye"

"Well, we need to discuss that my most promising neuro attending is behaving like a teenager. How did you meet her?" Richard screamed at his employee.  
"I met a girl in a bar and she turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me and I am not behaving like a teenager." Derek explained.  
"So you had an affair? You cheated on Addison? No adult in their right mind would fall in love and get married within two weeks. How long has this been going on`, Derek?" Richard accused him which infuriated Derek, who couldn't help himself, but scream at his boss and leave  
"Richard, I don't need babysitting, I am not going to discuss this with you. You were my mentor, but my marriage is none of your business. Good bye."

Dr. Shepherd went into surgery after walking away from Chief Webber, so Meredith decided to sit in the gallery until he was finished. As Dr. Shepherd washed his hand after surgery she walked into the washing room at the same time as Alex, who had assisted on the procedure. "How did it go? Smell like having saved lives again? Can you do the follow up on my appendectomy patient? I wanna check on Cristina." Meredith told Alex.  
"Yeah. You know what's wrong with her?" Alex wondered. Derek approached Meredith and held her arm comfortably, but Meredith was mad at him and decided to back out of his grasp. As she looked at him upset, he held his arms up in defense.  
"Don't" she barked at him sharply. "Dr. Grey" he mirrored her tone.  
"Dr. Grey, seriously. Are you concerned about Alex finding out about us? Is that what matters to you? Do you really think he cares?" replied annoyed turning to Alex, who was still trying not to look bemused.  
"Alex do you care that I was the intern stupid enough to screw the new attending after getting married to him in Vegas and having absolutely no recollection of that event?" she asked Alex loudly. S  
he knew he didn't care as they had grown a lot closer since helping him to study for his board exam. "No." said and left.  
"So what was that about? Are you insane? You yelling at Webber?" Meredith said looking pointing at her husband  
"Meredith" Derek started "Sorry."  
"Don't be sorry. I'm so tired it of everyone being sorry about me."  
"Dr." Derek wanted to reply, but was cut off by Meredith  
"Don't do it!". She couldn't do this right now so she decided to turn around and walk away. She didn't know why she got so emotional every time she talked to him.


	13. There Goes My Life

Chapter 13 There Goes My Life

The rest of the day was rather quiet for Meredith. The huge fight the chief and Dr. Shepherd had in front of the entire hospital was all the gossip mill processed right now. Everyone was talking about it and hardly anybody found out that she got kicked out of the OR after screaming at Dr. Webber. Yet everyone wondered who McDreamy's wife was and for some reason she hated that the nurses were speculating about it. As she left the hospital after her shift she was approached from behind

"The Chief knows about us. We have to talk about this" As gossip was spreading faster than STDs around Seattle Grace she didn't have the intention to discuss this topic with her husband in the public.  
"I don't need to talk about it. I saw you yelling at each other. I don't want to talk about it. He knows YOU are married. He doesn't know who you are married to. This is not my mess. We should get this divorce, but after your little emotional speech I'm inclined to assume that you are not going to agree with me. Plus I have my very own Chief drama to begin with."  
"This is getting complicated, Meredith." He reminded her insisting "We should come clean about it."  
She didn't agree with him. "Complicated for you, Derek. And whose fault is this? But if you tell Webber about us, it's getting complicated for me. I'm the intern sleeping with the attending and my resident wouldn't speak to me anymore."  
Derek was amused because he didn't assume that anybody in the hospital would want Dr. Bailey to talk to them. Everyone he knew was afraid of her. "Bailey not talking to you? That wouldn't be a bad thing. If I was a better guy, I'd walk away."  
"Yes, you would and you wouldn't tell a word about us to Richard Webber. It's really none of his business." Meredith stated. She still wanted to resolve the entire Vegas story and get back to her usual self.  
"Do you want me to be the better guy?" Derek asked her.  
"Yes" she said nodding and entering her car.

She was too confused to fall asleep and every single thought came back to Derek. Her old self would have gotten drunk at Joe's but that wasn't a viable option with Derek and Mark being there every second night. Instead she just sat on her bed and starred at the night sky for hours. When she finally fell asleep it was shortly before her alarm clock woke her up again. By the time she arrived at the hospital she was already running late by 5 minutes and she looked like she had been hit by a truck. As she walked into the elevator she spotted a familiar face  
"You're late" she greets her friend.  
"So are you." Cristina reminds her.  
She admits "I know and I can't afford to piss off Bailey anymore after what happened with Sloan or after that little incident with Richard in the OR yesterday. Do you think Alex or Izzie told anyone?"  
"About you and McDreamy?" Cristina asks even though she already knew the answer. As it had always been about McDreamy ever since he arrived at the hospital.  
"Yes, about me and McDreamy! The husband who thinks I'm the love of his life." Meredith said sarcastically.  
"No, he's their boss too." Cristina assured her. She was scared about what was going to happen. After all the hospital had a non fraternization policy, but yet again, technically they had been married since before he started at the hospital

"If Webber finds out, what can he…? Can he kick me out, or … ?" she asked seemingly scared.  
"No, not officially, you're married. You'll just get edged out, blacklisted, banned from his surgeries, and passed over for chief resident. It will be humiliating, but you'll live." Cristina stated which didn't really appease her.  
"I have to end it. We need to get this divorce I definitely have to end it. I have to end it, right? " Meredith told her speaking very fast.  
"Meredith, shut up." Cristina commanded her.  
"What?" she wondered in disbelief as both were rushing upstairs and through a hallway.  
"Did you seriously just tell me to shut up?" Meredith asked her friend. Cristina never told her to shut up, Cristina knew she was rambling when she was nervous. But her friend's response left her in shock.  
"Oh, please, Mer. You have a hot doctor husband who likes to make you open up and say "ahhhh". It's like the American dream, stop whining about it. Get over those commitment issues and those stupid rules of yours. "Was Cristina out of her mind? She couldn't be serious!  
"No. No good comes from sleeping with your boss. Look at my mother, she screwed around the hospital, ruined her marriage in the process and fled to the other side of the country. It's just that every time I want to ask him for a divorce and try to discuss the details I just freeze, it's like something inside me wants to be married. It's crazy, isn't it?" she told her just before arriving at the nurse's station where the other interns and Bailey had already gathered.

"Yang, you are late" said when they both arrived.  
"So is Meredith." Yang tried to draw attention away from her.  
"So fools, here are your assignments for the day. Karev- Shepherd, Stevens – Burke, Yang – have fun at the pit, O'Malley – you're with me today, Grey- I feel like you want to spend time with doctor Sloan" She was clearly being punished for being late her.  
"Plastics again? Can I trade with Karev?" she cried out, but regretted it the second her resident started talking  
"Does this looks like a marketplace to you, Grey? I am not negotiating assignments with you."  
"No." was all she allowed herself to say, in fact she didn't dare to say anything more. Bailey was quite intimidating.  
"See. Now get to work" The resident told all of them.

"Look who I have the pleasure to work with today. My favorite intern" Dr. Sloan greeted her as she approached him.  
"Cut the crap. Has Derek put you up for it or is the universe punishing me for the Vegas thing?"she wanted to know. This couldn't be a coincidence.  
"No, I'm just nosey. Curious to find out about everything that's going on with you. So I requested you" he elaborated.  
"Well, he is the neuro attending and I'm an intern. That's all there is. Everything else is going to be taken care of." She answered.  
"So you're getting a divorce?" he wondered.  
As she didn't know what she wanted yet, she had to cut him off. "With all due respects Dr. Sloan, but I don't think this is any of your business." She answered harshly.  
"So you're not getting a divorce?" he said with a smile on his face.  
"Dr. Sloan, I'm not going to discuss my private life with you. If you want any information regarding the status of Dr. Shepherd marriage, you might as well just ask him." She tried to explain.  
"Grey, relax. I like you. I like both of you. He's a great guy and from what I can say he cares about you. I want him to be happy and if this means harassing you about the status of your marriage, if this is what it takes to help you make up your mind, then I'm going to do it and by the way I think you like him too" He calmed her down.  
She admitted defeat. As an intern there was no running away. The interrogation was going to continue as long as Dr. Sloan felt he was up to it. "Fine, keep going, there's nothing I can do about it anyway. So what do you want me to do today?"  
Seeing that he had won the battle, he could move on to being a professional "Remember the skin graft two weeks ago? The patient is back for another procedure. I'm sure you would like to scrub in and follow up on the case. This time I might even let you stand at the operating table"

As they stood in the OR Dr. Sloan continued his interrogation. "So this little outbreak in the OR yesterday isn't linked with Webber's fallout with Derek?"  
"Dr. Sloan" Meredith interrupted him.  
"Stop calling me, . I'm Mark, I'm family now. Derek and I are brothers" the attending joked.  
" , I wouldn't know anything about the Chief's heated discussion with Dr. Shepherd." Meredith denied.  
"Meredith, come on, share." He said like he was talking to an old friend.  
" , If you want to spread gossip why don't you actually TALK to one of your nurses instead of just sticking body parts in them. I'm very sure that one of them can provide you with all the essential information as they are very interested in other people's personal lives." Meredith insisted in a professional tone.  
"Okay, I respect that. And Grey, I really think Derek made a great choice that night and so did you. Give him a chance. You are not going to regret it." He said as he winked at her. They both exchanged a smile and Dr. Sloan began with the procedure.  
As he knew he wasn't going to find out anything about her relationship with Derek, he decided to go down a different road: "So I heard your mother had a different take on dating people at the hospital"  
"She did." Meredith answered cursing herself that she had revealed this information in an OR full of people the day before.  
"So she and the chief have been doing it all over the hospital? Is this the reason you refused to date anyone who's working here" Sloan smirked.  
"Dr. Sloan, do you expect me to address your question?" Meredith asked. Doctor Sloan smirked and shook his head.  
"Good" she concluded. Maybe Sloan was right. Maybe Derek was a decent guy after all and after all the running she was tired of it.

But deciding on whether to divorce Derek or not and on whether to tell the Chief about their marriage or not, wasn't the only thing Meredith was worried about today. For once it was a nice change to worry about someone else's problems.  
"So you're knocked up?" she asked Cristina as she saw her sitting in the cafeteria.  
"So you had mind blowing sex with McDreamy?" Cristina asked her, because she didn't really want to talk about it.  
"Once." Meredith answered "Maybe we should form the 'Screw your attending and screw up club'. See, this is exactly why I don't date people from the hospital." She finally concluded.  
"No, you marry them." Cristina noted.  
"Shut up. So you are getting rid of it?" Meredith asked her trying to shift the focus of their conversation back to Cristina, who confirmed. "I am."  
"How did you know getting rid of it was the right decision?" Meredith wondered all of the sudden.  
"The moment I peed on that stick. You know what happens to pregnant interns." Cristina stated. After a very short pause she continued "Wait, hold on, are you?"


	14. Consequences

Chapter 14 Consequences

_"The moment I peed on that stick. You know what happens to pregnant interns." Cristina stated. After a very short pause she continued "Wait, hold on, are you?"_

Meredith laughed as she heard the question "No, unlike you I learned all about birth control in Med School."  
"Shut up, Mer." Cristina told her.  
"It's not us. It's them. Them and their stupid boy… penises. They didn't stop me from marrying them. They gave absolutely no warning that they were going to knock you up. He ruined tequila for me." Meredith said slowly while Cristina nodded.  
"He ruined tequila for me." Cristina reminded her. She obviously couldn't drink tequila while she was pregnant.  
"Anyway, I have to get back to my patients. Sloan wants me to do some of his preops."

"Derek, we have to talk" she told her husband as she walk towards the surgical wing.  
"I'm all for the talking" he smirked.  
"I am serious" she told him leading him into a supply closet.  
As she leaned against the door, he asked her "So, what did you want to talk about"  
"You, me, us, what we are going to do" she started  
"So, what's up with the talking?" he said and looked into her eyes while she leaned over to him. As they started to kiss, she wrapped her arm around him and he grabbed her and pulled her scrubs down. She hadn't experienced this degree of passion ever. While they made love in the supply closet she somehow started to realize why her very drunken self had agreed to marry the man who was just shaking her world right now.  
"This was good sneaking" she told him with a big smile on her after they had finished "but enough for the day. I really start to think that we should give this marriage thing a chance.  
"Yeah, I think we're good sneakers, Dr. Grey." Her husband smirked.  
"Dr. Grey?" she wondered. She never had asked him about last names.  
"Yes, you were pretty insistent on keeping your name." he told her  
"Did I?" she teased him when suddenly the door opened up.

"I can't believe what I just saw, this is unbelievable. Why does it always has to be one of my interns?" she heard Bailey say. Busted! The resident turned around and closed the door leaving Meredith and Derek on their own.  
"Apparently not good enough sneakers. This is bad" Meredith said realizing that this was going to have consequences  
"I like to say that this is the good kind of bad. "Derek smiled.  
"Anyway, I really have to go, I have patients to look after, see you later." Meredith said confused as she left the supply closet after quickly pulling up her scrubs.  
"See you tonight, Mer, we still need to talk" Derek told her, but he had a feeling that she didn't hear him anymore.

As Meredith had been on call that night, he didn't get the opportunity to see her until the next morning when she walked into a patient's room with her resident and the other four interns. "Good morning" Dr. Bailey greeted both him and the patient.  
"Mr. Levangie. This is Dr. Bailey and her very fine staff of surgical interns" he introduced the doctors to his patient, who was having trouble to walk. Derek, Meredith and Bailey exchanged glances as he said that. Obviously none of them had forgotten about the incident in the supply closet the previous afternoon.  
"Welcome to hell, kids." The patient greeted the group of young doctors.  
"Who's presenting?" the resident asked.  
George started to present the case "Edward Levangie, 63, admitted for pain management for Dyskinesia. He's been stable since last night and is responding to bolus injections."  
"Can you suggest possible treatments, Dr. Stevens?" the resident wanted to know.  
"For Parkinson's disease? Um, deep brain simulation has shown …" Izzie said hesitantly.  
"Not for Parkinson's, for spinal pain." Derek clarified the question, but Izzie couldn't answer.  
"Intraspinal catheter. That way he can have constant pain medication." Meredith answered.  
Derek smiled and introduced her to the patient: "Excellent. This is Dr. Grey. She's going to prep you for the procedure and assist. "

He excuses himself after checking his pager and leaves the room. Bailey tells her interns to make themselves busy. "I'll catch up with you." and follows Derek into the elevator.  
"Miranda" he says calmly.  
"Excuse me" she sounds offended.  
"Well, that's your name, right? It's on your jacket. All right, fine, I'll just call you Bailey then." he told her as she didn't look happy about being addressed by her first name.  
She started to lecture him immediately: "You think you're charming in that talented, neurotic, overly moussed hair sort of way good for you. But if you think I'm going to stand back and watch you favor her…"  
"I don't favor her. She's good." He defends himself.  
"I'm sure she is" Bailey answers in a very ambivalent way before leaving the elevator as the doors open.  
Derek follows her through the hall "You know, can I point out that, technically, I'm your boss?"  
She isn't impressed "You don't scare me. Look, I don't know what your deal with her is. However, the next time I see you favoring Meredith Grey in any way, I'll make sure she doesn't see the inside of an OR for a month. Just for the sake of balance."

"Excuse me. I'm sorry, doctor..." the patient's daughter had followed her outside.  
"Grey." Meredith said.  
"My dad seems to like you. He's always liked skinny blondes. Is that rude? I'm sorry. I'm so tired." the daughter started to tell her  
"Is there something...?" Meredith wondered.  
"I was wondering if you would talk to him." The daughter asked her.  
"About?" Meredith asked as she didn't get to have a closer look at the case yet.  
"Brain surgery. The doctor mentioned it, and I've read about it online. If it worked, it could help with most of his symptoms, not just his pain." The daughter elaborated as they were standing in front of the patient's room.  
"I don't think it's my place to talk him into it. Is he a candidate? I don't..." she told the daughter. She knew it wasn't really her place to talk anyone into a surgery they didn't want.  
"He is, but he's afraid of it. Surgery on his back, he can understand, but his brain...And there are risks. But his quality of life..." the daughter cried out.  
"There isn't any. I know." Meredith said thinking about her mother's condition.  
"And, it keeps getting worse. I'm getting married next month. I already lost my mom. And I want him to walk...I want him with me. Maybe that's selfish, but...you don't know what it's like having a parent...Watching him..."the daughter told her.  
"I do. I do know what it's like. I watched my mother for years. Turning from a brilliant surgeon into someone who didn't even recognize her daughter. I know it gets more difficult every day and sometimes you ask yourself whether the person in front of you is still the person you knew. I'll see what I can do." she changed her mind as she would have done everything to make her mother better.

As Mr Levangie's daughter thanked her for her effort she approached the patient "Have you considered the DBS surgery Dr. Shepherd talked to you about this morning?"she asked her patient. Mr. Levangie wasn't amused about this  
"What? Why would I? I already told you no. I'm letting you cut into my back, but that's not enough for you. All you guys ever want to do is cut." He said angry.  
"Dad, just listen to what she has to say." His daughter begged him.  
"I already listened." The old man told his daughter.  
"Sir, there's a very small window of opportunity here. You know, once the Parkinson's progresses to a point of dementia, there's, you know, you're no longer a candidate for DBS." Meredith tried to explain as she was interrupted by her angry patient "and when I'm no longer a candidate, is that when you people will leave me the hell alone! What? Do I have to start drooling, and forget my name to get a little peace and quiet?"As she didn't want to make him angrier, she decided to back off  
"All right, Sorry. I'll check back with you later. Try to get some rest."  
His daughter tried to calm him down "Dad, you're being unreasonable. The doctors are only trying to help you."  
"It's my damn life, and it's my damn brain. You want me to let them cut up my brain while I'm lying there awake, for what?" he screamed at his daughter. I'll be at your wedding. I will sit in the back. Your uncle will walk you down the aisle. I know it's not perfect, but it's life. Life is messy sometimes." The patient told his daughter. As she left his daughter told him that she was aware of that.  
"If she knows, then what the hell are we still talking for, huh? Why in hell can't she drop it?" the patient asked Meredith.  
She considered what to say for a second and told him "It is your life. But it's her life too. And you have a chance to get better here. And all she's asking you to do is try. I know you're scared, but as the Parkinson progresses to dementia it's going to be even scarier. You are going to forget how your children look like, who you are, what year it is. I know this is scary, but if you wish I'm going to be right there for you during the entire procedure. The surgery can increase your quality of living and I think it's worth trying." After being told to tell Dr. Shepherd about Mr. Levangie's decision Meredith left the room.


	15. Don't Let Go

Chapter 15 Don't Let Go

As Dr. Shepherd was in surgery with Dr. Bailey and Dr. Burke, Meredith decided to wait in the hall. When the doors opened she approached him "Dr. Shepherd. Mr. Levangie, the Parkinson's patient, is he a good candidate for DBS?" she asked to get the conversation started.  
"Yes, but he's not interested." The neurosurgeon told her.  
"I talked to him. He agreed." she admitted to him. To her surprise he got incredibly mad at her and she couldn't quite understand why. She was used to being yelled at, after all she was an intern, but this was unbelievable.  
"Pushing a patient, who doesn't want it into a surgery, Are you crazy? The patient is wide awake, a risk of paralysis, a risk of death. It is not your job to push him into anything and it's definitely not without consulting me first. Since you clearly uncomfortable with my course of action in this case, it's probably best you don't scrub in."  
"But…" she tried to defend herself as she hadn't pushed the patient into surgery, but had explained the procedure itself, the risks and the possible results.  
"The spinal catheter is a minor procedure. You won't be missed." Derek told her as Bailey was watching the scene from a few feet away.

The group gathered for lunch at a table outside the hospital. It was nice to see the sun and breathe fresh air for a change. "It's just that he blatantly favors me in front of her and then blatantly dismisses me." Meredith complained to Cristina.  
"How do you know he was favoring you?" Cristina wondered, after all Meredith had known how to treat the patient before being assigned to the procedure "Look, you've got a brain. You got into this program. Just because Shepherd wants to munch your cookies doesn't mean you didn't deserve what you worked for."  
"But he's making me look bad. I have to end it." Meredith insisted and Cristina agreed. "It's over." She said bitterly.  
"Uh, huh." Cristina muttered. "So, you are getting a divorce?"  
"Is it true you get to scrub in on that tumor?" Alex interrupted them when he approached their table.  
"Don't sit here." Cristina told him as she still didn't like him and needed time to discuss her pregnancy with Meredith, but quit protesting as Izzie sat down next to them as well.  
Izzie asked her "You get to scrub in? How psyched are you?"  
"On a scale of one to ecstatic, ecstatic." Cristina bragged.  
"It's unbelievable.", Alex said "You know what I think? I think Burke wants to get into your scrubs." Meredith eyed him suspiciously as she knew that Burke was in fact getting into her scrubs a lot or had gotten into her scrubs. She wasn't too sure about those details as she had a lot of marital problems on her mind lately.  
"Why are you sitting here?" Cristina dismissed his accusation.  
"He kicked me off that surgery for the same crap you pull every day." Alex explained.  
"You know what. If I stuck this fork into his thigh, would I get in trouble?" Cristina threatened him.  
"Not if you make it look like an accident." Meredith smirked.  
"Hey!" George greeted them as he sat down next to Meredith.  
"Hi" Christina welcomed him.  
"Thank God, man. I'm drowning in estrogen here." Alex admitted.  
"You look...is everything ok?"George asked Meredith.  
"Shepherd's a jackass." She said frustrated  
"Really? I think he's kind of great." George said.  
"He reamed her out in front of Bailey." Cristina explained to them.  
"Why?" Izzie wondered.  
"Cause he's a jackass." Meredith said as her pager went off. "I have to go"

Meanwhile decided to go back to Mr. Levangie's room. "How's your back?" he asks his patient  
"Still good." He answers.  
"Good. Can you lean forward for me? I just want to check something. Does that feel okay" Derek asks his patient examining him one more time as Mr. Levangie follows his instructions.  
During the exam Meredith entered the room asking "Did you page?"  
"Mr. Levangie, have you given any more thought about the other surgical options we discussed this morning?"Derek asked Mr. Levangie, who answers "Yes, Dr. Grey talked to me. I was scared, but now I'm not. But if we do it, I want it done today. If I leave, I won't come back for it." Derek was surprised about Mr. Levangie's explanation. After all it appeared that Meredith hadn't bullied him into the surgery, but had tried to explain the procedure.  
"Alright, then. Let's do it." He tells them. "Book OR2"

The surgery was amazing and while she usually stood on the side of the operating table, it was her job to calm Mr. Levangie down during the surgery.  
"How you doing, Mr. Levangie?" Derek asked his patient.  
"All right, but where is blondie?" he answered.  
"I'm right here. Can't you see me?" Meredith told him while she approached him so he could see her better.  
"I'm shaky. I'm not blind. Anything goes wrong here, I'm blaming you." he yelled.  
"Ok, in that case, I'll stay where you can see me. Now we just have to drill a hole and try to find the spot that controls the motor function." Meredith told him.  
"You can't see my brain from there. Aren't you supposed to be learning something?" he asked her.  
"I'm good, right here." She told him as she held his hands. Caring for her patient was her priority at the minute.  
"EEG waves look good." A nurse confirmed as Derek prepared Mr. Levangie for the next step  
"Ok, Mr. Levangie. Just take a couple deep breaths. Focus on the pretty girl. Ok, this is going to sound really scary, but try and relax. You shouldn't feel a thing." He started to drill into his head with great precaution. After a few minutes he was almost at the spot where needed to be.  
"Just keep trying, Mr. Levangie. Mimic my motions. You can do it." Meredith asked him "You're doing great, Mr. Levangie. Just a little longer."  
"Oh, damn it!" Mr. Levangie cried out as he just wasn't able to mimic what he saw.  
"Take a breath and try again. One more time, Mr. Levangie. The probe is almost in. You'll know it when we find the right spot." Meredith told him when he all of a sudden stopped shaking and started to mimic the doctor. Everyone smiled as the procedure appeared to be successful so far.  
"There it is" Derek smiled.

As they left the OR Derek tried to talk to Meredith. "Bailey was on the warpath. I was trying to protect you." Derek tried to explain to his wife  
"You trying to protect me is why she's on the warpath. You can't do me favors. You can't ask me to scrub in when I haven't earned it." Meredith said accusingly  
"Ok, ok." He said as she continued to talk to him "And you can't treat me like crap when I haven't deserved that either." He agreed.  
"I can take care of myself. I got myself into this mess, and I..." she added.  
"And you'll get yourself out?" he asked her fearing she was referring to divorcing him and having their relationship going back to a strictly professional one.  
"I don't... know that yet. It takes two to make a stupid sexual decision, you know." She admitted  
"I know." He acknowledged what she had just said.  
"Don't let me keep you." She begged him. Everything would be easier if everything went back to its pre Vegas state.

"You did great work here today." He told her as they were making their way to Mr. Levangie's post op exam.  
"Dr. Shepherd." She addressed him "Sorry I called you a jackass."  
"You didn't." he said.  
"I did. More than once." She said as they reached Mr. Levangie, who told her "Tell you what, blondie. If you don't marry him, I will." She smiled and looked at Derek. 'So I guess he won't be happy Derek is unavailable, if I break the news to him.' She thought to herself, but she couldn't.

Later that evening Cristina and Meredith sat on the swing in front of Meredith's house. "I don't know what I want any more. I don't want commitment, but I want him." Meredith told her pregnant friend.  
"Mer, do you ever listen to yourself?" Cristina wanted to know.  
"I'm serious Cristina. This whole marriage thing is complicated. Why couldn't he be an asshole like Sloan? It would be way easier to ask Sloan for a divorce. But this guy, he just keeps getting dreamier. You know the way he poked in that man's brain. Dreamy" Meredith said as she held a bottle of tequila in her hand.  
"When did this happen, Mer? Cristina interrupted her  
"When did what happen?" Meredith asked puzzled.  
"When did aliens kidnap you? Why are you in love all of a sudden? You're turning into Izzie" Cristina clarified.  
"I'm not in love." Meredith denied.  
"Yeah. And I'm not pregnant." Cristina contradicted her statement.  
"Do you actually think that in some crazy parallel universe where everything is bright and shiny we can actually work out?" Meredith asked her friend. She had never experienced what it was like to be in a loving and committed relationship and saw no evidence that this one might work out, but somehow she hoped it did. 


	16. Something Stupid

Chapter 16 Something stupid

A few hours later Meredith had decided to give their relationship a chance. She had texted Derek, who had asked her our on a date immediately. Today Derek was going to take her on their very first official date. A milestone she had hardly ever been as excited about as today. A milestone that most people took before promising everlasting love to one another. As she left work after a day of sutures and scut duty, she found him waiting for her in the lobby. He held a little picnic basket in his hands and she wondered where he was going to take her. "Hello, beautiful" he smiled at her as she approached him. "Looking even more stunning than on our wedding day"  
"Derek, not so loud, someone might hear us. Where are you going to take me anyway?" Meredith told him.  
"I know you don't like surprises" he started only to be interrupted by her "How do you know I don't like surprises?"  
"You told me." He answered "When we were going up to the hotel room, you told me. I have no clue why, but you told me. Anyway, but you are going to have to wait to find out more." They walked towards his car and he opened the door for her to let her in.

"So where are we going?" Meredith asked again as they started to drive into the woods.  
"You really don't like surprises" Derek giggled. "It won't be long now." Two minutes later they pulled up at a trailer in the middle of the forest.  
"Where are we?" Meredith wondered.  
"Shh, shh." He interrupted her "I'm going to tell you. You said you don't know anything about me, that we couldn't work out because you don't know anything about me. Alright. My mother's maiden name is Maloney. I have four sisters, I have, uh, nine nieces. Five nephews. I like coffee ice cream single-malt scotch, occasionally a good cigar. I like to fly fish. And I cheat when I do the crossword puzzle on Sunday. I never dance in public. Um, favorite novel, The Sun Also Rises. Favorite band, The Clash. My favorite color is blue. I don't like light blue, indigo. The scar right here on my forehead, that's why I don't ride motorcycles anymore. And I live in that trailer. All this land is mine. I have no idea what I'm gonna do with it. So that's it. That's all you've earned for now. The rest you're just...just gonna have to take on faith." He told her and smiled at her when he finished. "I wanted to show you where I live first and now we are going to a place where you can watch the ferry boats. Because I have this intense thing for ferry boats" They got back into the car and drove for another 20 minutes to get back to the city.

The view was breath taking, they sat down on a picnic table and Derek started to set the table. He had brought wine glasses, a small cheese tray and a few pillows and a big blanket. "I figured you might get cold out here" he told her as he put the blanket over her shoulders. As he moved closer to her hair he was able to smell her lavender conditioner. He poured some wine and handed over a glass to Meredith. "So you really don't remember anything about the day we met?" he asked her.  
"I remember the headache when I woke up in your hotel room the next morning" she smirked and bid her lip.  
"You were gone when I came back after getting breakfast for the two of us." Derek reminded her.  
"Maybe you should have called room service and ordered something" she teased him.  
"I wanted to get you strawberry ice cream. You told me you wanted strawberry ice cream when you woke up and they didn't have strawberry ice cream for breakfast at the hotel." He told her.  
"I did? I was drunk, Derek. Nobody wants strawberry ice cream when they have a hangover even though I think strawberry ice cream is the best ice cream there is." Meredith said looking at him with a big smile on her face. Talking to him was easy, they had connected instantaneously.  
"I didn't want to start our marriage disappointing my wife, my beautiful hung over wife; in fact I don't ever want to. Meredith, I wasn't lying when I told that Chief all those things about my wife." Derek told her as she leaned over to kiss him. "I knew I was going to love you the moment I saw you"

"Can you tell me something about our wedding?" Meredith asked Derek as the night went on.  
"No" Derek told her.  
"No?" she wondered.  
"Not today anyway, I need to give you an incentive to go out on another date with me. If I tell you today, you don't have one" he smiled. "I hope you had a good time, Meredith, but I think we should call it a night. I know you have pre rounds in the morning and I don't want you to be late" Derek said looking into her eyes.  
"Maybe I like ferry boats after all, Derek. Maybe you can stay the night" invited him to her house as she leaned in for a kiss. She had no clue which chain of reaction she had just offset.

As they entered her house Derek's hands went under her shirt to unhook her bra. Meredith moved her arms around his neck and kissed him passionately while hoping that none of her room mates would notice them sneaking in. It had been the first time they found themselves alone in a bed since their wedding night and they exchanged hot passionate kisses. She felt great as Derek slowly took off his shirt. She couldn't deny that they shared an intense chemistry. The tension increased as he leaned over her and slowly unbuttoned her shirt. He looked into her eyes and smiled before they shared a passionate kiss. It felt great to have him in her room.


	17. The Self-Destruct Button

Chapter 17 The Self Destruct Button

Derek was woken up by Meredith's soft voice "You have to get up now." She told him as she pulled his sheets away.  
"What? My God, what time is it?" Derek wondered it must be the middle of the night he thought. They hadn't slept much since coming home to her house after the date where they watched the ferry boats. She rolls on top of him as she tells him "It's 5:20, and I have pre-rounds. And you have to leave before they see you."  
"Oh, come on, now. Why don't you just let them see? We are married. There's nothing wrong about having sex with your husband" Derek wondered as he rolls on top of her to pick up where they had left off a few hours earlier.  
"No! There is, you are my boss." Meredith answered.  
"Please!" he begged.  
"No, No!" Meredith said playfully as they were up for another round of sex. It seemed Meredith hadn't changed too much after all. Derek was just another guy she had brought home to her mother's old house after the first date. It was different though because she had just spent the first night in her bed with her husband, the first night she remembered anyway. She felt elevated as his lips touched hers.

Meanwhile her friends were gathering in the kitchen. Neither one of them had slept a lot. Izzie watched the coffee percolate as George entered. "You get any sleep?" he asked her.  
"Oh, she could oil the bedsprings as a courtesy or at least buy a padded headboard." Izzie agreed. Meredith had brought home a lot of boys but they had never been kept up like this before. They hear a sound in the hallway and decide to have a look. As Derek tries to sneak out of the house they see him.  
"Well, at least we know brain surgery isn't his only skill." Callie notes.  
"They can't be...He's her boss." George is infuriated "We're late. He's all of our boss. You know she has been scrubbing in a lot lately on his surgeries."  
"No, Meredith wouldn't sleep with him just to...No." Izzie tried to cover for her as she knew there was more to the story, but wasn't happy about the fact that Meredith was having sex with her boss either. She knew about Vegas, but this was no excuse.  
"Well, if she's not ashamed of it, why is she keeping it a secret?" Callie wondered.  
"Maybe she is ashamed. Maybe it just happened. You know, spontaneously, last night." Izzie suggested. They all fell silent as Meredith entered the kitchen mumbling "Good morning" As she walked in Izzie told her as "Morning. Hey, so it sounded like you were having some pretty radical sex last night, all night long. Who was the guy?" she wanted to give her a chance to come clean to everyone.  
"No one you know" Meredith lied. She had no intention to share the whole story yet even though the majority of people in the room already knew bits of it.  
"We're late. Let's go." Izzie said. Meredith was still unaware that her friends knew about her night with Derek. Had Meredith hit the self-destruct button? Her life was hard enough already, why had she brought more trouble down on herself?

As they arrived at the hospital they found Cristina sitting on her motorcycle in the middle of the parking lot "Yikes, wouldn't want to meet you in a dark alley." Meredith greeted Cristina assuming that morning sickness had already started.  
"Right back at you" Cristina told her sleep deprived friend.  
"Oh, what is that, professional weakness, Dr. Yang?" Alex wondered.  
"It's called the flu." Cristina lied. Meredith knew that it was morning sickness kicking in. When they reached the intern locker room George said "I'm going to need a major rush to make it through this day. I need a kick-ass surgery." He was incredibly tired and he knew whose fault it was.  
"Do tell."Cristina told Meredith who looked too happy.  
"Nothing to tell." She smirked.  
"That says it all, huh?" Cristina said raising an eye brow. Izzie was annoyed and slammed her locker door.  
"Sorry, I have a sex life. This isn't the first time I brought someone home." Meredith told her.  
"Yeah, next time, just let me know if we need to go to a hotel so I can get some sleep." George said annoyed.  
"Am I missing something?" Meredith asked them.  
"You were just a little loud." Izzie told her and left.  
"Do they know its McDreamy keeping them up all night?" Cristina asked her  
"I hope not. I already have Bailey riding me, I don't need my roommates thinking I'm getting special treatment." Meredith admitted. "So, morning sickness is getting to you, uh?"

As they met up with their resident in the hallway Meredith yawned. She was assigned to Bailey today so she knew she was going to suffer. "Late night, Grey?" Bailey asked her as the resident observed how Dr. Shepherd put in eye drops.  
"No, caffeine just hasn't kicked in yet." Meredith told her with a smile on her face.  
"If you're at all religious, you would want to start praying it kicks in soon. There's a consult in the pit. Girl with a fever and abdominal pain. After that, Nicholas in 3311 needs his meds. Mr. Moeller's IV fell out, and he's a hard stick. Postops in 1337, 3342, 3363, and 2381." Bailey started to tell her quickly as Meredith took notes and repeated the room numbers back to her. "2381. 3342, 3363, and 13..."

After she had finished all her assignments she went to consult the patient in the pit. It was 17 year old college freshman, who lay in bed as her parents stood beside her. The dark haired girl had been admitted with abdominal pain and looked very uncomfortable.  
"She's been weak ever since that trip to Mexico and she's lost weight." Her mother told Meredith.  
"And this morning, she passed out in the shower." Her father added.  
"When was the trip?" Meredith asked her.  
"A couple weeks ago. I'm really fine. I just have a fever. I'm fine, I don't need an exam"  
"Well, maybe it is just a fever, but they called down for a surgeon, so I have to give the okay to let you go. So just let me do the exam. You know, actually, Mrs. Rice, this might be easier if we had some privacy. So would you two mind leaving the room?" Meredith told the parents and started to examine the girl's belly. The results lead her to believe that she had to consult Bailey who had just paged her.

As she approached Bailey Meredith asked her where she had been. "I did the consult, did the IV, the meds, the Postops, everything." Meredith told her "My patient in the pit is febrile and has peritoneal signs. I think she had some sort of illegal surgery done in Mexico. She has four laparoscopic scars on her abdomen and won't say what they're from, the parents are clueless."  
"She's a minor." Bailey said surprised asking her whether she had ordered a CT. As she had finished all her previous assignments Bailey gave her more "So while she's there, the nurses couldn't get a Foley on Mr. Miller. Grey, he may need a Coude catheter if you can't get a normal one in there. Write up postop notes on all surgical-floor patients that had surgery within the last 24 hours. Be sure to document their EKG's and x-rays. Hunt them down if you can't find them."  
"Right away" Meredith replied without a moan. Even though Bailey made her jump through every imaginable hoop, Meredith enjoyed working under Bailey. She liked being kept busy.

As she handed over Claire Rice's abdominal CT to Bailey an hour later, Bailey explained the consequences of the previous surgery to the parents and took the girl to surgery. Unfortunately there had been complications after the previous surgery. "Mrs. Rice, nothing about this is gonna be easy. She's gonna face a lifelong struggle with malnutrition unless she has surgery to reverse the procedure. Unfortunately, there were complications with the bypass. She has what looks like an abscess under her diaphragm, and edema, which is a swelling of the bowel wall. I can't say for certain she'll recover completely." Watching the girl discuss her weight with the family Meredith couldn't help herself but shake her head. It was unbelievable how much pressure the mom put on her.

"We're going to cut out half a girl's brain and it's going to work. It's outrageous. Almost makes it hard to hate him." George told Cristina referring to his surgery with Shepherd. It was the big surgery he had hoped for, just not the attending he wanted to assist today.  
"Why do you hate him?" Cristina asked suspiciously.  
"Oh, no reason." George lied.  
"You know about him and Meredith?" she concluded  
"You know?" George wondered and looked at her.  
"When are you going to figure out that I know everything?" she asked him as Izzie walked up the stairs towards them.  
"She knows." George tells her  
"What, about Dr. Shepherd?"Izzie asked.  
"It's been going on for a while." Cristina exaggerated  
"Seriously?" George asked. "And you didn't tell us?"  
"I don't gossip" Cristina told them.  
As George and Cristina arrive at the hospital's coffee shop he tells her "He's about to go into major brain surgery on no sleep? Not very responsible."  
Cristina smiles and asks "Jealous much? Sex all night isn't about being responsible."  
"No, it's about sex all night. I can't believe you're not more pissed off about this, you of all people. Getting married in Vegas is one thing. Just get a divorce for Christ's sake. Nobody forced her to sleep with her boss." Izzie told her.  
"Well, she works hard all day. She's good at her job. Why should you care how she unwinds? I mean, you like to bake all night. Some people like to drink. Others like an occasional screaming orgasm." Cristina told them. She couldn't be a hypocrite about this; it was just a matter of time until someone found out about what she was doing.


	18. The Good Stuff

Chapter 18 The Good Stuff

Even though Bailey had told Derek that she was going to keep her out of the OR for a while, she got to scrub in on the case."Handle with care. This thing's..." Bailey reminded her as she handed her the girl's bowel.  
"Full of gunk. I know." Meredith nodded.  
"We need to free the bowel from the adhesions caused from the abscess. This poor girl. What was she thinking? Here, resect that." Bailey said.  
"Needle-tip Bovie, please." Meredith told the nurse as she handed the bowel back to Bailey.  
"When you're done here, you have postops waiting. Cristina's got the flu. So, you need to pick up the slack in clinic." Bailey reminded her.  
"Look, I'll mop the floors, ok?" Meredith said annoyed. "Sorry, that was inappropriate." She realized.  
"It's not the only thing that's inappropriate. While we're on the subject, you care to tell me what you think you're doing?" Bailey said slightly angry.  
Meredith got mad saying "Look, I'll jump through hoops if you want me to. But what I do what I leave this hospital is my business. I made a choice, and I know you don't respect me for that choice. But I'll live with the consequences. I've done everything you've asked me to do. I may not do it your way but it gets done. So whatever else you got, bring it on." As she got increasingly irate Claire's bowel bursted spraying toxic waste all over Meredith.  
"Ok, Dr. Grey, now that you've drained the organ, we can attempt to repair it." Bailey chuckled.  
"Now my day is perfect." Meredith said not amused.

As Meredith and Bailey walked through the hall after surgery, Meredith told her resident that she really needed a shower. "I need a shower. You need to go tell that girl's parents what kind of kid they're getting back." Bailey told her.  
"You're not going to let me shower first?" Meredith wondered  
"That would be a hoop, would it not?" Bailey asked her. Meredith agreed that it would qualify as one.  
"Shower first, then." Bailey told her as they reached the intern locker room.

"Ew, what smells?" Izzie asked.  
"That would be me, or more specifically, my patient's insides all over me."Meredith told the other interns.  
"That makes me strangely happy" George told her "Karma.".  
"What?" Meredith shrugged.  
"Nothing." Izzie told her.  
"Something vile is stuck in your hair. You know, just go stand over there, please." Cristina finally concluded.  
"Ugh, how much do I love being a surgeon right now?" she asked a rhetorical question.  
"Karma." Izzie answered. It was clear to hear that most of her friend's didn't agree with her having sex with her boss and that they had seen him this morning.  
"What does karma have to do with anything?" she asked.  
"I'm just saying, you've been given all the best surgeries. And now you smell like putrid goo. And you're giving off a stench. Karma's a bitch." George concluded.

Bailey entered the locker room saying "Dr. Shepherd needs an intern in surgery. Which one of you is clear?" Cristina volunteered, but Bailey told her to lie down.  
"Grey?"Bailey asked as she knew Meredith had assisted on neuro cases frequently.  
"Of course." George coughed.  
"What is your problem?" Meredith wondered.  
Izzie answered in a passive aggressive tone "Um, you! 'Cause apparently you can help Dr. McDreamy in ways the rest of us can't."  
"You did not just say..." Bailey said offended before Izzie confirmed that she in fact did.  
"Hey, Yang! Hemispherectomy in OR 1 with Dr. Shepherd. Go." After the other interns had left she smiled at Meredith saying "Apparently, I'm not the only one with hoops."

"Your friends know about Shep and you having sex?" Mark told Meredith as she entered the elevator.  
"Dr. Sloan" Meredith shrugged.  
"Come on, Grey, we can talk. He's my best friend, you're his wife and I'm glad he's…" Mark chuckled. Meredith rolled her eyes.  
"Dr. Sloan, stop. I have a bad day, and the last time I had a bad day I kissed my boss in an elevator, but this is obviously not an option right now because my husband wouldn't be happy about it. My friends hate me, my resident hates me, and I really don't need to talk about this with you." Meredith told him.  
"Derek and I are having a drink tonight; I can tell him to come over afterwards if you want your day to get better." Dr. Sloan told her as she walked out of the elevator.

After she had talked to the patient's parents and the patient, she finally got to go home. As she was entering the house, Izzie was frosting a cake in the kitchen.  
"I thought you'd be asleep by now." Meredith told Izzie and George as she looked into a fridge.  
"Yeah, well, I'm not. If you wait a few minutes, you can have a piece of cake. Baked it chock-full of love. Actually, chock-full of unrelenting, all consuming rage and hostility, but it's still tasty." Izzie told her.  
"So you all know about the sex?" Meredith asked her.  
"We all know that you are now sleeping with McDreamy." Izzie confirmed.  
"Well, do you want the long version, or do you want the short version, where I married a stranger in Vegas who turned out to be my boss two weeks later, my incredibly hot boss?" Meredith wondered.  
"Neither" George dismissed her attempt to make peace." Hold on you married him in Vegas? When did this happen?"  
"George, cut me some slack here." Meredith told him, which made Izzie angry. "No. You went to Dartmouth. Your mother is Ellis Grey. You grew up... Look at his house! You know, you walk into the OR, and there isn't anyone who doubts that you should be there. I grew up in a trailer park. I went to state school. I put myself through med school by posing in my underwear. You know, I walk into the OR, and everyone hopes I'm the nurse. Y-you have their respect without even trying, and you're throwing it away for...what? A few good surgeries? You could have just gotten divorced. There was no reason to get involved with him after he arrived her. Sign the papers and be done. Go back to professional, forget all about it, I mean, you didn't remember a whole lot about it anyway"  
"No. It's not about the surgeries. It's not about getting ahead." Meredith told her friend, but Izzie continued. "Then what? A little hot sex? You're willing to ruin your credibility over that? I mean, Meredith, what the hell are you doing?" Izzie stared at Meredith, who rolled her eyes as she heard what her friend told her "Oh, my God. You're falling for him." She realized.  
"I am not." Meredith denied. She knew she was falling hard, but she tried to hold herself back. Yet the longer she tried, the more she realized that it was impossible.  
"Oh, you so are. You so are. Damn it, you poor girl." Izzie realized.  
"You know, it's just that he's just so...And I'm just...I'm having a hard time." Meredith tried to explain getting caught up in her feelings and the emotional mess she was in.  
"Wow, you're all, uh, mushy and... warm and full of secret feelings now. You haven't been like this when we moved in, you haven't brought home a one nightstand in since he arrived here, you are all smiley and bubbly" Izzie told her as she handed over a piece of cake to Meredith.  
"I hate you! And your cake." Meredith told her friend. Izzie laughed.  
"My cake is good. So, um, how hot is the sex?" Meredith stared at her and choked on her cake "What? Come on, I'm not getting any. Help a girl out with a few details." Izzie demanded.  
"So Vegas? You were drunk and you married him." George asked her.  
"… and I didn't remember marrying him the next morning, or him, ran away" Meredith laughed "and then he showed up here."


	19. Hearts Intertwined

Chapter 19 Hearts Intertwined

After a good night sleep Meredith was full of energy as she decided to meet up with Cristina for a round of running around the park before pre-rounds. It was a beautiful day and beautiful sunny days were rare in Seattle especially for surgical residents, who spend 100 hours a week inside the hospital. "It's crazy, I have all this sex energy. I could run all day and I can't stop smiling" Meredith told Cristina, who had problems to keep up with her.  
"Well, I don't. I'm pregnant. I still don't know why we should do this." Cristina complained.  
As they stopped for a second Meredith started to explain. "Endorphins. They make you happy, you should be happy. Plus we are doctors, we should keep fit."  
Clearly being discontent with the answer Cristina said "Whatever. So how is McDreamy?"  
Meredith smiled and said "Fine, Dr. Sloan asked me whether I wanted him to sent Derek over to my house after drinks for hot sex."  
"He did not! I called the clinic, made the appointment. You have to come with me. They say I need a person, you are my person." Cristina started explaining.  
"You are sure about this? Have you talked to Burke?" Meredith wondered.  
"Yeah, I'm sure. Come on, Mer. We have rounds to get to and I don't ever want to do this again. This running thing, it's sickening." Cristina told Meredith as she had no intention of Burke ever finding out about the pregnancy or of ever going running in the park again.

"Assignments for today: O'Malley –Sloan, Yang – Shepherd, Karev – Burke, Stevens – you are with me today, Grey – Montgomery." Bailey told them as they gathered around her before rounds.  
"Montgomery?" Meredith wondered. She had never heard the name before.  
"OB/Gyn from New York, Webber brought her in for a special consult on a TTTS case and told me to assign you." Bailey told her. 'Great.' thought 'Must be another way to punish her. She was probably going to be working with some obnoxious arrogant out of state doctor today.'

Meanwhile Derek entered Richard Webber's office "Derek, What do you want?" the Chief asked. He was still mad after the attending had yelled at him in the halls of the hospital.  
"Richard, we need to talk" Derek stated as he sat down.  
"About the other day I assume. Are you going to apologize?" Richard wondered.  
Derek had no intention to apologize, so he said "Yes about the other day and I'm not going to apologize. I didn't have an affair, I never cheated on Addison, we just drifted apart. Mark and I went to Vegas a few weeks ago, go out for a drink, have fun, forget about the divorce and get back on the horse. That kind of thing you know. I met her in Vegas, we were drunk and she left the next day without a word. This could have been the most stupid thing I ever did in my life, but I never had the feeling it was. The moment I saw her I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and for the next two weeks I was afraid that if I tried to contact her she would tell me that she wouldn't feel the same. I was miserable, not because of the divorce but because I thought I was never going to see that girl again." Richard nodded as Derek continued "So, I needed my best friend with me. I came to Seattle to forget about her and I ran into her. How crazy is that? We are not great, not yet anyway, but she makes my day better. Even if I only see her for a second, even if she makes me angry, she still makes me want to be better, a better man, a better doctor, better at everything I do."  
Richard thought that Derek was telling the truth and had genuine feelings for the girl. "Derek, listen, I'm glad you are happy, but this won't change anything about my relationship with Adele. She wasn't the love of my life. I chose her and it was the wrong choice. She wanted kids, I wanted surgery and forget about the woman I was in love with. Adele knew I had an affair with Ellis Grey, she stayed anyway. Ellis, she wasn't just a fling, something to get over easily. When Meredith started her internship I saw a lot of her mother in her, she looks like Ellis and she told me her mom was suffering from early onset Alzheimer. It almost killed Meredith. I chose too late. I hope you didn't." They shook hands as Derek left the office.

"Dr. Montgomery, I'm Dr. Grey, I'm your intern for the day." Meredith smiled as she approached a tall red haired woman, who was wearing expensive looking shoes and salmon scrubs.  
"You are not related to Ellis Grey by any chance?" the OB/GYN wondered.  
"She is my mother actually, I mean was my mother. She passed away a few months ago." Meredith explained.  
"I'm sorry to hear. My condolences. Okay, let's go. I'm going to grab a coffee and you can go and prepare the patient for an exam and familiarize yourself with the case. By the way, have you seen Dr. Shepherd today, I would love to exchange a few words with my ex husband before I leave" She heard the doctor saying after she handed her the case file. She was surprised to find out that this was Derek's ex wife. She was gorgeous and smart and it seemed like she had great expertise in her field. Quite intimidating.

"He was married to Isabella freaking Rossellini." Meredith said as she leaned over to Cristina, who was discussing the cases of the day with Dr. Shepherd. Cristina looked at her and rushed off as she had to get a few patients to CT and didn't intend to waste any time.  
"You didn't tell me your ex wife was gorgeous. Tall, with all the hair." She told her husband.  
"I didn't tell you my ex wife was Satan. Ex Wife, Meredith. That's all that matters. The Chief banged your mom?" he smirked.  
"I know, all over the hospital. Don't talk about it." She told him looking at his eyes and pouting.  
"Want to to continue her legacy?" he said teasingly leaning over to her.  
"You are one dirty man, Dr. Shepherd, that's why I choose to follow suit." Meredith told him with a big grin on her face. They kissed passionately as they entered a supply closet.  
"And this is the reason I love you" Derek whispered as they started to make out. 'Why was it so exciting to make out in the hospital all of a sudden? This felt so good.' She thought taking off her scrub pants. While they were at it they suddenly noticed how the door started to open. Meredith managed to put on her scrub pants back on before the door opened, but they were still caught red-handed.  
"Damn, we really should look for an on call room next time. We really suck at sneaking. How is Cristina doing this?" Meredith told Derek as the Chief opened the door and they saw Addison standing in the hall looking at them.  
"I guess that's why you didn't want to go out for dinner, Derek. Hasn't Mark taught you anything about where to have sex in the hospital?" the red head wondered with a big grin on her face.  
"Cristina? What would she know about it?" Derek wondered.  
"Never mind. So, are you going to talk to him and her? Should we talk to him?" Meredith asked him referring to Addison and Chief Webber.  
"I better talk to him alone. Don't worry." He told her as he left to talk to Richard Webber.

Meanwhile Meredith had to face her husband's ex wife, who had just discovered them in a supply closet. "Define TTTS." Addison told her.  
"Twin-twin transfusion syndrome. Conjoined fetal twins." Meredith said.  
"Connected by?" Addison continued questioning her  
"Blood vessels in the placenta." She answered.  
"Meaning?" Addison wanted Meredith to explain. But as she didn't answer quick enough, Addison explained the syndrome to the patient "One twin gets too much blood, the other too little, endangering the lives of both. I'd expect you to know that, Grey, but you were obviously occupied with other things."  
"They told me there wasn't much chance anything could be done." The patient told them.  
Addison smiled and reassured the patient that she was receiving the best care. "TTTS is usually impossible to correct. Unless you happen to be one of a handful of surgeons in the world who knows how to separate fetal blood vessels. Which, luckily for you, I am. So were going to get you into surgery tomorrow. If you have any questions at all please ask Dr. Grey. From what I have seen, she is one the hospital's most popular interns." Addison gave her a dismissing look and disappeared.  
They left and walked into the hallway "I could've answered your question had you given me the chance." Meredith told Addison  
"Chin up, Grey. I'm this tough on everyone, not just the women my ex- husband sleeps with. Order an ultrasound for her and pre-op labs in full." Derek's ex-wife told her.

As Derek walked into the Chief's office for a second time the day the Chief started to yell at him "Derek, don't tell me this is really happening. This morning you bullshit me about your love for your wife and 30 minutes later I find you in a supply closet with an intern. What were you thinking?"  
"Richard, don't yell, listen for a second. Meredith –" Derek tried to explain, but the Chief kept screaming at him  
"Don't try this Derek. There's nothing that can make this right. She's an intern for Christ's sake and you are the married attending. The poor girl has been through enough already"  
"Richard" Derek said, but Richard kept talking  
"I can't decide who is the more irresponsible person here. You or her. How long have you been sleeping with an intern, Derek?"  
Finally Derek was mad enough to start yelling "I'm not sleeping with an intern. Well I am, she's an intern, but I'm sleeping with my wife, Richard. Meredith, she's the girl I got married to in Vegas. We met at a bar, went to gamble in a casino, got drunk, decided to get married, had a very memorable wedding ceremony. When I went to get breakfast the next morning she was gone. I didn't see her again until I started to work at the hospital. I approached her, she didn't want to get involved because I was the attending, she asked for a divorce, but I kept pushing because I've been in love with her since the second I saw her sparkling eyes. She did the right thing. I kept pushing her. If you want to punish someone, punish me, it's not her fault."  
"You do realize this is highly inappropriate and it has to stop. This is Ellis Grey's daughter we are talking about" Richard told him. After all Mark had told him about Meredith's little outburst in Webber's OR he knew she didn't want to be protected by Richard, so Derek insisted "You don't have to protect her. She's a grown up, she doesn't need protecting, not from you."  
"You won't work with her anymore." Webber told him.  
"So I guess part of being Chief is personal." Derek said mad.  
"Close the door on your way out. "Richard commanded as Derek stormed off.


	20. Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic

_Thanks for the reviews everyone!_  
_Hope you enjoy the next few chapters, from the preliminary outline I can promise you a rocky ride..._

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**Chapter 20 Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic**

"What does it take to go after another woman's husband?" the patient asked Meredith just as she started to prepare her for the ultrasound.  
"Excuse me?" Meredith wondered.  
"It happened to me. Jeff moved in with a long-legged miniskirt who answer his phones, three weeks into my pregnancy. By the way, that gel is really cold." the patient told her  
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry about your husband." Meredith said apologetically.  
"Are you sorry about Dr. Montgomery's husband?" the patient asked her. She turned her head for a second, took a deep breath and decided to ignore the comment as she didn't want to discuss her marriage or Dr. Montgomery's with the patient instead she chose to explain the next steps of the exam to her.  
"I bet she asked to work with you. It's what I would have done." The patient told her. She needed to get away, so she told the patient that she was going to check her labs as she left the room.

After he had yet another argument about his marriage with the chief Derek was still emotional when he ran into his ex wife.  
"What are you doing here?" he asked her.  
"Richard called me. What are you doing here? You just pick up and leave everything? Your house, your practice, your friends? You had a life in Manhattan." Addison told him.  
"That's right, had." He screamed at her.  
"And now you have a girlfriend in Seattle. She seems sweet a little distracted at work though." Addison said with a smile on her face.  
"The ice you're on. Thin." Derek told her.  
"She's young. That whole wide-eyed, ooh he's-a-brain-surgeon thing happening, but still sweet. Which was what you were going for, right? The anti-Addison?" Addison wondered.  
She looked shocked when Derek said "Wife, Addison, I have a wife. And she didn't know I was a neurosurgeon when we met and I didn't know she was an intern working at the hospital I transferred to. If you came out here to try and win me back, because Richard told you something, forget about it."  
"I did. I flew all the way across the country to reminisce over wedding photos, get drunk, fall into bed, and make you realize you can't live without me." Addison joked, she smiled as she calmed him down. She was over him. "Relax. Derek, I'm here for work. I'm helping the TTTS case you guys admitted last week and from Richard's briefing I should be?"  
Derek apologized telling her "We should have done this sooner, move on, Addison."  
"A long time ago" Addison agreed.

After collecting the lab results Meredith returned to the TTTS patient's room. As she concentrated on the ultrasound the woman told her "When I found out about the miniskirt, I called her up and took her to lunch. It was perfectly civil. I said I didn't hold it against her, that these things happened. But, really? I just wanted to put a face on the bitch that got my husband to throw away 15 years of marriage." As she had a closer look at the ultrasound she got up and found Addison in the hall.  
"Labs confirm what look like abnormalities on the ultrasound. I think you should come and see for yourself." She told the OB/GYN.  
"Fine. Let's go." Addison told her.

As the gossip spread faster than anything else in Seattle Grace Dr. Sloan had heard interesting news and decided to pay his best friend a visit in the cafeteria.  
"Shep, I heard you told the Chief about you and the intern?" he grinned.  
"Meredith, and yes, I did." Derek told him.  
"He didn't take it too well." Mark said raising his eye brows. "Use on call rooms next time. The one on the third floor is nice".  
"He didn't. That and Addison arriving here for a consult really made my day." Derek said.  
"Wait, Addison is here and you didn't tell me?" Mark wondered. After all he had left New York to get away from her and Derek as he didn't want to betray his friend.  
"She didn't tell you?" Derek wondered as Mark shook his head indicating that nobody had told him about it. As Derek knew his friend well, he told him "I know, you don't need it, but you have my blessing. Go for it! You have been into her in forever."  
"You knew?" Mark wondered.  
"I'm not an idiot, I know you. Mark, Addison and I weren't meant to be, I thought we were for a really long time, but we weren't. I have seen you being miserable over this for way too long. I haven't seen you looking at anyone the way you look at her. You haven't been really discrete. You deserve happy, and if it's Satan who makes you happy, so be it. I've seen the way you looked at her and I was jealous, jealous that I wasn't looking at my wife the way you did. She didn't drive me crazy; she never made it impossible for me to feel normal. It wasn't working out the way it was supposed to and neither of us was valiant enough to admit it." Derek finally said looking at Mark  
"You are telling me I should go for her?" Mark asked him as Derek left the table.

As Addison had a look at the ultrasound herself she looked concerned. "See. Bilateral pleural effusion with evidence of sub Edema." Meredith told Addison pointing.  
"In English, please?" the patient told her.  
"Dr. Grey has detected what looks like beginning heart failure in the twins. Don't be alarmed." Addison explained calmly.  
"Are my babies going to be ok?" the patient asked concerned.  
"I'm going to go ahead today and take you into surgery now. We're not going to wait." Addison told the patient and asked Meredith to book an OR.

Meredith was pleasantly surprised that she got to scrub in on yet another advanced procedure and listened to Addison who explained the steps of the surgery to the patient "Julie, we're just going to go in laparoscopically. You're not going to feel anything and neither are the twins." After the anesthesia started kicking in she told Meredith "Ok, let's get going. Ten blade. Begin with a three-millimeter incision."  
"How are you doing there, Grey?" Addison asked Meredith as she used the scalpel to open up the patient.  
"Good. I'm good." Meredith replied calmly handing over the equipment to a nurse after finishing the cut.  
"So Derek and you are married" Addison asked Meredith.  
"That would be the short version, yes, Derek and I got married." Meredith told Derek's ex wife. She assumed Derek hadn't told Addison the whole story and neither was she, she was not the person to tell anyway.  
"You know that I don't hate you for this?"Addison asked her.  
"You don't?" Meredith wondered. She would have understood if Addison did, but figuring Addison didn't know about the specifics of their nuptial it made sense.  
"No, I haven't been emotionally involved with Derek in a long time. We have been miserable and none of us had the guts to admit it. So you two are happy?" Addison continued their very weird little small talk.  
"I think we are getting there." Meredith said with a smile on her face.  
"Good" Addison nodded.

After a successful surgery they went to Julie's room for the post op exam, Meredith looked at Dr. Montgomery and she could tell that Derek's ex-wife was dedicated to her job, loved her job in a way that was admirable. Why had Derek called her Satan?  
"See? Just a small scar" She showed her work to the patient.  
"And my babies?" the patient asked.  
Addison smiled and said "Your babies are doing very well. And Dr. Grey will be back to check on you a little bit later."  
"Actually, I'd prefer it if Dr. Grey were taken off the case." The patient told her.  
"Why, is there a problem?" Addison wondered.  
"Just reminds me of someone I don't like very much. Someone my husband likes a lot. Particularly in lingerie. You understand." The patient said.  
Addison was confused and told her "No, no, I don't understand."  
As the patient asked "Well, she's sleeping with your husband, right?"  
Addison finally understood that the patient must have picked up on the comment she had made earlier, but she wanted to set the record straight "I lack Dr. Grey's class and patience so, let me set the record straight. My ex husband didn't cheat on me, we were divorced because we hadn't been in love in a long time. So the wronged woman here, Dr. Grey. So, I think you owe her one hell of an apology." Meredith smiled as Addison walked past her.


	21. Heavy Hours

_Quick warning as this happened the last time I posted two chapters on one day: Two new chapters for you today! So if you haven't read the one before, go back and read it before this one. _

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**Chapter 21 Heavy Hours**

"So how did you like working with your replacement?" Mark Sloan asked Addison as he sat down next to her in the cafeteria.  
"She's young. A little insecure, but capable. Going to be a good surgeon." Addison told him.  
"I wasn't asking for your professional opinion, Addie." Mark told her.  
"She's nice, alright."Addison said as he picked through her salad.  
"She's a lot like you when you were an intern, the freak outs, the mommy issues, the daddy issues, she's a worrier, just like you, not as bitchy though." Mark laughed.  
"I doubt it, Mark, but she seems right for him. I don't understand how you can survive in Seattle, Mark. All the rain" Addison answered looking at a small tomato she had put on her fork.  
"… makes you want to stay in bed all day" he smirked.  
"I see you haven't changed." Addison smiled.  
"I'm glad to see you, Addie. Do you want to have dinner with me later? We can talk." Mark suggested.  
"Sure, I stay here until your shift ends." Addison told him as her pager went off. "This is weird. I am being paged to the OR. I don't know why, but I better go"

"What is this?" Addison asked as she arrived at the OR Dr. Burke operated in.  
"Cristina Yang, one of the interns, she fell unconscious and suffers massive bleeding. We have to get her into another OR" Izzie who had also assisted with the procedure told Dr. Montgomery.  
"Why am I being paged? Oh no, she's pregnant. Isn't she?" Addison asked.  
"I don't know, but it's possible. She's been nauseous a lot lately. I think she is." Izzie explained.  
"Have you notified the father?" Addison wondered. Izzie looked at her and shook her head as she didn't know who he was.  
"She's a very private person." The intern admitted.  
As they rushed Cristina out of the OR on a gurney Bailey approached them saying "Cristina? Cristina?" while handing over a portable ultrasound device to Dr. Montgomery.  
After examining her abdomen, Dr. Montgomery said "Oh man, do you see that? It's an extra uterine pregnancy in the tube here. She's bleeding out." As she pointed to the screen.  
"She's going to be okay, right?" Izzie wondered.  
"How attached was she to this pregnancy?" Addison asked concerned as they wheeled her into the OR. "She lost a lot of blood, but I've got it from here." Looking at Dr. Bailey who was standing at the end of the operation table petting Cristina's head Addison wondered "Dr. Bailey, you must have a surgery or two of your own today."  
"I'm fine right here" Bailey told her.

Derek saw Meredith sitting on the floor with her back leaned against a wall in front of the OR. "I see you survived a day with Satan." He smirked.  
"She wasn't too bad actually. She's nice." Meredith admitted.  
"Meredith, you don't know Addison, she's tiring and sucks all the emotion right out of you." Derek laughed. "but yeah, I'd probably agree if I hadn't been married to her for 11 years."  
"Derek, you know that your ex wife is not easy to hate. She's annoyingly kind and painfully smart and currently saving my friend's life." Meredith told him with a scared tone in her voice.  
"Hold on, what's the matter with Yang?" he asked concerned.  
"Addison is performing an exploratory lapatomy on her. Izzie paged me, but I'm not allowed to go in with them. Bailey told me she would take me down if I dared to try. We went jogging this morning. I made her go jogging. There's no way that could have?" Meredith told him.  
He petted her hair and reassured her "My OB/Gyn rotation was long ago, but I'm pretty sure that you had nothing to do with it. I'd assume it was an ectopic pregnancy. Do you know who the father was?" They sat next to each other in silence for a moment. Meredith could not tell him.

"So how did your talk with Webber go?" Meredith wanted to know.  
"He yelled at me, I yelled at him" Derek started to explain.  
"and I am no longer to allowed to work with you?" Meredith laughed.  
"Yeah. That would cover it." Derek concluded.  
"Maybe I should talk to him. You know when my mother was sick, he listened. And he knows how professional Greys can be when working with their lovers." Meredith said teasingly.  
"Meredith Grey, are you trying to tell me that you are going to play the mommy card?" Derek said flirtatiously.  
"Maybe I am, Derek Christopher Shepherd." Meredith smiled  
"You are evil." Derek said looking into her eyes.  
"The Ruler of demons! And you know I'm still mad at you for trying?" Meredith told him.  
"I do." He replied leaning over for a kiss.  
"Dr. Shepherd, do you think this is a good idea? I think it's what got us into trouble in the first place" she asked him, not giving in.  
"I like trouble. Trouble with you." He smirked.  
"Derek, I don't think this is a good idea, I have to check up on Cris." She said and started to walk away.  
"Meredith!" Derek said and she replied  
"I'm going to meet you after work. We can talk and do things, but right now I have to check on Cristina. She's going to wake up soon and I want to be there."

Meredith and Bailey sat at Cristina's bed when she woke up after the procedure. She looked pale. "What happened?" Cristina said confused and unaware of what had happened.  
"You had an extra uterine pregnancy. Your left fallopian tube burst." Bailey explained calmly. She sighed "Dr. Montgomery … she did everything she could but there was too much damage. She couldn't save the tube."  
"Cristina. You're back" Meredith smiled.  
As Bailey left the room, Cristina pulled Meredith over to her "Don't let them call my mother. Your mother rivals my mother and that's saying something. Both of them, dark and evil."  
"I somehow doubt that." Meredith laughed as she remembered how her mother usually behaved around her.  
"Anyway, don't let them call her." Cristina insisted "I'm serious. If she shows up here you are going to die a painful death. And don't let Burke come in here."  
"I'm going to tell the nurses" Meredith promised. "I'll never have sex again. Stupid boys with their stupid boy penises." Cristina told her starring at the wall.  
"I'm missing dirty stripper Cristina. She was fun and less angry." Meredith started joking.  
"Don't bring that up again. But I miss philandering whore Meredith. She was trashy, and much less idyllic."  
Cristina laughed. "Shut up, I'm in love, Cristina."  
Meredith said as she looked at her friend "I'm going to let you rest and come back tomorrow morning before rounds."

Meredith walked into Richard when she left the hospital. "Meredith, I need to talk to you" Richard told her. They had not spoken to each other since he had kicked her out of the OR so she wasn't quite sure what their conversation would be about, but she nodded and turned around to follow him to his office.  
"I promised your mother to take care of you before she died and I'm very determined to keep that promise. Even if you don't think it's true, the two of you have a lot in common. She was just as stubborn as you and your hands are as steady as hers." The Chief started to explain, but Meredith interrupted him "Richard, I don't need your protection. I'm very capable of protecting myself. If you do want to discuss me and Derek here, do it. I already told Bailey I'm willing to jump through any hoop that is thrown at me. We did something very, very stupid, but we are working it out. He gives me a feeling nobody has given me in a long time. I feel safe and I feel like he's there to catch me. I can assure you that our relationship won't get in the way of my training or my performance at the hospital and for now that's all you should care about."  
"Alright Meredith, I'm going to respect your wishes. It was nice talking to you." The Chief said as Meredith left. "But you won't be working on Dr. Shepherd's service anymore."

Meredith was waiting for Derek at the entrance as she watched Addison approaching Dr. Sloan. "Sorry Mark, I had an emergency surgery" Addison apologized to Mark for being late.  
"I'm a surgeon; I know the drill, Addie. But we have to hurry if we want to keep the reservation." We told her as they walked to the car. Sloan was behaving differently she thought.  
"Sorry, Mer, I had an emergency surgery." Derek apologized as he approached her.  
"I get the feeling I heard this line before" she told him "Seems to be a common excuse for being tardy around here".  
"I hope you can forgive me" Derek laughed as they walked to his car hand in hand.


	22. Something About You

**Chapter 22 Something About You**

"I think I deserve details. Tell me about how Elvis married us in 5 minutes" Meredith said as she arrived at his trailer. His land was beautiful and she couldn't believe a world renowned neurosurgeon was living in a trailer in the middle of nowhere.  
"I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I can't do this. I can't do it, Meredith" Derek said and Meredith looked surprised.  
"So this doesn't qualify as a date?" she wondered. "You told me you'd tell me more about the night if I went on another date with you"  
"It does and here I am all disappointed that you only came here to find out more about your wedding" Derek chuckled. They sat down on the deck in front of the trailer and looked at the night sky. "I can't because it didn't happen that way. We might have gotten married in Vegas, but it wasn't a typical Vegas wedding you never want to tell anyone about even though I have to admit that you tried to drag me into one of those chapels when we were on our way to get our marriage license."  
"It wasn't?" Meredith wondered positively surprised and strangely relieved.  
"After we left the Casino or rather after we got kicked out because you were too drunk and started to singing we drove to this beautiful place at the south end of Las Vegas strip and wanted to eat dinner at this beautiful Balinese themed restaurant. There was a wedding there and we watched this really obese couple getting married by the waterside in the park adjacent to the restaurant. You said she looked like an elephant and that you would look way better than her even if you walked down the aisle in what you were wearing right now and I agreed. I told you that the guy who was going to stand next to you that day would be the happiest man on the planet. And you asked me whether I wanted to be the happiest man on the planet that night" Derek said while they both looked at the stars above them.  
"I proposed, it was my idea? I always thought the guy proposed and I would make a run for it" Meredith asked surprised and laughed.  
"It was, so before we even started eating, we left, asked their officiant to wait an hour so he could marry us, hurried to get a marriage license, organized a photographer and when we came back he married us." Derek said looking into her eyes.  
"There are photos?"Meredith asked.  
"There are, but I don't know if you want to see all of them because while we did the last few pictures you started to throw up" Derek chuckled.  
"Your mom is going to love those" Meredith laughed realizing that she didn't even know how his mom looked like.  
"Anyway, back to the ceremony. It was already quite late, so we had all those Vegas lights on one side and the park and the water on the other, I waited for you in front of those opulent orchid arrangement. You insisted on walking down the aisle to "Perfect Day" by Duran Duran. You were dancing and as we didn't have anyone there except for the legal witnesses it looked really funny with all those empty chairs you walked through. You looked into my eyes, smiled and at that second I knew that this wasn't a big mistake" Derek said with a happy smile on his face.  
"How?" Meredith wondered "This is possibly the most stupid thing anyone could do"  
"Your eyes, I just knew that I wanted to look into them every morning for the rest of my life" Derek told her.  
"My eyes? Jesus, Dr. Sloan was right, you are possibly the most cheesy guy in the universe" Meredith smirked.  
"And the happiest man on the planet" Derek added as he leaned in for a kiss. Their lips touched and it felt like that very moment at the end of the aisle when their lips had touched for the first time.  
"We exchanged vows and I kissed you. For the first time" Derek continued und kissed her again.  
"We didn't kiss until we were married. I must have been incredibly drunk, but I think I like it. I like kissing my husband" Meredith said in between kisses.

"Are you sorry that your family wasn't there, that nobody you knew for more than a day was there or maybe get to know me better before marrying me?" Meredith wondered after Derek had told her the entire story.  
"No it's not about that. The first time I got married we had this huge beautiful fairytale wedding with the flowers and the music, and three hundred guests and everyone told me I was marrying the perfect woman. It's not about that, Mer." Derek told her.  
"Your family is going to hate me once they find out about it though; you haven't told them yet, have you?" Meredith worried  
"Meredith, don't worry, they won't" Derek tried to reassure her "I know the situation scares you and I'm going to give you as much space as you need, but please, don't run like you did the morning after our wedding, don't worry. I know it's confusing and you are worried, but I love you, I loved you the very second I looked into your eyes and heard your smile and I really want to make things work. What I told Webber the other day, I meant it. I love you"  
"Thank you" Meredith replied resting her head on his chest looking at the night sky. For a moment she realized that for the first time in years she was happy and not afraid.


	23. A Man And A Woman

**Chapter 23 A Man And A Woman**

Four days later Meredith woke up at Derek's trailer. "Good morning" Derek said with a smile on his face.  
"Good morning, what are you doing?" Meredith said with a smile on her face. She was still wrapped in the flannel sheets, but was surprised that Derek was already dressed.  
"I'm going fishing and you are going to come with me." He replied holding two fishing rods.  
"No, I don't, I don't fish and I have to study for my intern exam. I'm meeting the others at my house in 30 minutes. Have fun though! I'm going to miss you." Meredith told him as she got out of bed. "Do you know that I love it if you are all determined and bossy telling me to have fun while you abandon me?" Derek said as he leaned in for a kiss  
"I'm not bossy." Meredith told him as she got up to get dressed.  
"You are. But what do I have to do to make you change your mind?" Derek said kissing her neck.  
"As tempting as spending an entire day in the middle of nowhere with you sounds, I can't I don't want to be the intern who got married to the attending and then failed her intern test because of all the great sex she was having" Meredith stated firmly.  
"Are you saying that we have great sex? Derek smirked.  
"I'm saying that I don't want to be that intern, good bye Derek, I see you tonight. You can come over after your trip." Meredith told him as she put on her Dartmouth sweater.  
"You don't want to be the intern who has great sex?" Derek whispered hugging her from behind and kissed her again.  
"No, I don't want to be the intern who had to do her intern year again because of all the great sex, good bye, I really have to go now" Meredith insisted as she grabbed her keys.

She arrived at her mother's house 20 minutes later. She hadn't been there for four days as she chose to spend the time after work with Derek and they had sleepovers in his trailer. "Hey, Where's the coffee, I need coffee." she greeted the group as she would into the kitchen.  
"Doesn't McDreamy have coffee at his place?"Izzie wondered.  
"I had to get away because McDreamy tried to kidnap me and go finishing with me." Meredith laughed "I see you have Callie's cards there? Are they as magical as everybody keeps telling me?"  
"They are. Let's get started." George told them.  
"What are the signs of a central line infection?" Alex asked  
"Puss, redness and fever." Meredith told him.  
"What's Kahn's syndrome? " Alex continued.  
"Wait, wait, I know this." Meredith said.  
"Tick tock dude." Izzie said trying to make her nervous.  
"Cracking under the pressure? "George laughed  
"No! Um...hypocortolis...cortolism..." Meredith guessed.  
"Primary hypro dostrolonism. Yes, out of the seat. My turn." Cristina stated.  
"What is atenicaratosis?" Meredith asked her.  
"Uh...atenicaratosis is uh...pre-malignant lesion." Cristina guessed

After the question and answer game had carried on for a while Meredith wondered "Are we good at this?"  
"I doubt it. We are not doing what we are supposed to do." Alex told her.  
"We are not supposed to be studying?" Meredith wondered as she looked at her diamond ring.  
"We are, but we are all way to occupied with our personal crap. We're all having way too much sex, I mean look at us: George and Callie, Yang and Burke, you and Shepherd, me and those nurses, Izzie and well George." Alex stated.  
"What?" Meredith coughed and the rest starred at Izzie and George.  
"It was a onetime thing. It won't happen again. It was awkward. Like having sex with your brother" Izzie explained.  
"At least you didn't start to cry during sex, did you?" Meredith tried to joke.  
"Why don't you just shut up? It won't happen again." George told them as all pagers went off at once.  
"Damn, we why are we being paged, we're not even on call." Meredith wondered as they grabbed their coats.  
"911 - big trauma coming in, accident with mass casualty. See you fools at the hospital" Cristina said enthusiastically  
"Relax Yang, you're lucky Montgomery discharged you, you are not allowed to work yet anyway."Alex said as the four others left for the hospital.

After she had changed into scrubs she hurried down to the ER. As she got there a paramedic told her "Jane Doe, in her 50s or 60s, head on collision with another driver, who was driving against traffic, another car hit her from behind after this , severe injuries to the spine, several bleedings and broken bones".  
"All right, we'll do an x-ray, someone page neuro and ortho, we better get her to ct quickly." Meredith told one of the ER nurses.

"You could have just called me, if you missed me." Derek said after he started to look at the CT monitor "You didn't need to find the most complicated spinal injury of the century for me. What about internal bleeding?"  
"Nice to see you, Dr. Shepherd. Well I'm sorry for interrupting your fishing trip, but if you don't fix it, she's going to be paralyzed from the neck down. Looking at the ultrasound I couldn't detect any major internal bleeding, the patient should be fine until you took care of spinal injury." Meredith summarized.  
"You are wearing your ring" Derek said surprised as he looked at her left hand.  
"I am. People know anyway, I'm not ashamed of my gorgeous husband." she smirked.  
"Holy mother of god, this looks bad. We have to get her into an OR as quickly as possible." Callie said as she walked into the room looking at the woman's x-ray.  
"Hey, Callie. I'll book one right away and tell them you're coming." Meredith told them walking out of the room.  
"Alright, Torres, we are going to have to work together on this, I suggest we try to fixate the spinal injury first." Derek began to discuss the course of treatment with the ortho resident.  
"Bye, Derek, See you later." Meredith told him as she left.  
"Don't you want to scrub in?" he wondered  
"Technically I'm not even here, and as you are here now, I don't need to be here, the Chief basically forbid us to be working together and I should be studying right now, but instead I'm going to take care of patients in an overcrowded ER, so no, I'm not scrubbing in. See you tonight, Derek." Meredith explained and walked away with a smile on her face.

"What are you doing here Cristina?" Meredith wondered as she spotted her friend sitting at a bench in front of the hospital.  
"I tried to scrub in, I tried to do consults, but Bailey told everyone they shouldn't let me work, so I got kicked out" Cristina explained.  
"When did this happen, Cristina?" Meredith asked without being coherent.  
"When did what happen, Mer?" Cristina asked  
"Me getting all attached and happy?" Meredith said "I drowned, I did a stupid stupid thing and more stupid stupid things after that and all of a sudden I'm happy?"  
"Mer, you don't make sense, go back to work" Cristina told her  
"And you should go home, if you don't, I'm going to tell Bailey and she won't like it." Meredith told her.

After another five hours in the ER Meredith finally got home. She had just taken a shower and poured herself a cup of coffee when Derek walked and asked "Why did you try to avoid me today?".  
"I wasn't trying to avoid you, I was trying to avoid Callie" she told him.  
"Torres? Why?" Derek wondered. He knew Izzie and Callie didn't have the best relationship, but so far he thought that Meredith and Callie had a pretty neutral relationship.  
"Because it turns out that George is cheating on her, I found out today, well Alex told everyone while we were studying. I didn't know how to look her in the eye. I feel like I should tell her." Meredith admitted looking sad.  
"Don't, he should do it." Derek told her.  
"Just feels so close to home. You know, they got drunk and married - in Vegas not long before you did and now he goes screwing Izzie" Meredith told him feeling insecure.  
"So I was the victim of some weird fraternity tradition? Is everyone at your house doing it? Getting married in Vegas?" Derek joked, but reassured her "I'm not going to cheat on you, Mer."  
Meredith laughed "Izzie asked that as well after I told her about us, well not us, me getting married. So you're not going to cheat on me?"  
"I'm never going to cheat on you." Derek promised her.  
"I'm going to kill you if you do. In fact I want to kill George for cheating right now." Meredith told him "Cristina is going to help me to dumb the body. She promised"  
"There's some back story I don't know about, is there? Do you know that I like it, if you threaten me?" Derek smirked and kissed her.  
"There is. Now, do you? So how's your patient?" Meredith asked. Her parents' break up was a touchy subject for her which she didn't want to dumb on him.  
"Stable for now, we did the best we could and fixated the vertebras. Torres took care of the other broken bones." Derek explained.  
"But, you don't seem to be happy." Meredith sensed as she looked into his eyes.  
"She didn't respond to any of the tests, so we'll just have to wait. If it doesn't improve she'll be paralyzed." Derek said as he sat down next to her.  
"Sorry about your fishing trip" she said apologetic.  
"It's the job, Mer. It's not your fault. You didn't cause this accident." He told her as he took her hand.  
"Are you sure about that?" she asked raising one of her eyebrows.  
"So how about we go upstairs and you try to be the intern who has all that amazing sex with her husband and passes her intern test? You could study my anatomy." Derek said flirtatiously.  
"I would like that." Meredith laughed.


	24. Fix You

**Chapter 24 Fix You**

The week progressed rather uneventful. Meredith had scrubbed in on a couple of boring surgeries and had sutured countless patients who had minor injuries. She could have been happy with her week, but there was something on her mind that scared her. . "I'm going to meet my happy perky sister today" Meredith told Cristina when she met her in front of the hospital on Saturday morning. Somehow Meredith still tried to find a way to get out of the dinner, she had agreed to go to, but Derek was determined to drive her to her father's house.  
As she hadn't talked to Cristina about the visit yet, Cristina wondered. "You have a sister? Ah, yeah,right, dad procreated. Does Derek know?"  
"Yeah, but he doesn't understand. He has sisters and they have kids, tons of kids. So how is Burke?" Meredith asked her as they entered the hospital expecting a "Good" or "fine". When Cristina told her "He proposed." without any recognizable emotion she was stunned.  
"What? Are you serious?" Meredith wondered. "You're not joking, right?"  
"Yeah." Cristina said "I wish I was"  
"And you replied?" Meredith asked.  
"Yes, I said yes, so how's McDreamy?" Cristina asked and shifted the focus to Derek. Meredith was surprised to hear this and it felt rushed and sudden so she decided not to discuss it with Cristina until she had made her mind up about this.  
"Dreamy, saying all the right things, doing all the right things. It's scary. I'm not used to being happy all the time. We discussed things and he pretends to understand, but I'm not sure he does. But we have amazing sex, so I'm happy. But sometimes I'm paranoid thinking something very bad is going to happen to me because it always does. Maybe I'll get hit by a bus and die, or I get cancer, or dead mother resurrects from the dead and tells me I'm not worthy of being whatever, I don't know, I just feel like I'm way too happy and the universe will find a way to get back at me." Meredith rambled.  
"Wanna be my maid of honor?" Cristina asked to stop the ramble, but Meredith continued  
"See, there it is. All those wedding traditions, all those dresses, those happy looking people in those magazines, that's the universe getting back at me, I hate girly things and you ask me and I can't tell you I don't want to."  
"Do I look like I want those? Burke wants those, seems like he had this whole thing planned out since he was a little girl. So are you going to help me to get through this?" Cristina asked her friend  
"Maybe, but see, this is exactly the way the universe keeps getting back at me. Having to do perky happy things and meeting perky happy people." Meredith told her feeling insecure.  
"Come on, you have experience, you got married?" Cristina teased her.  
"Cristina, you can't be serious. I got married in Vegas to a guy I didn't know and I can't remember anything about it. As it turns out he's pretty amazing, but I'm sure that I wouldn't be the person you want to consult for planning a wedding." Meredith laughed.  
"Sounds like the perfect wedding to me, Mer." Cristina said as they reached the intern locker room.

They were interrupted by Bailey "Finished your little conversation here, Grey, Yang? Assignments for today, go down to the clinic. I don't want to see anyone near the OR today, you have an exam to study for and it's important."

After a rather boring day in the clinic Meredith left the hospital right on time. Derek waited for her in the parking lot and they left together. The ride in the car felt uncomfortable. While they usually talked a lot during car rides, they were both silent on the way to Thatcher's house. Meredith could feel the anxiety that built up inside her the closer they got to the house. "Here we are." Meredith said as she and Derek stopped in front of a nice house close to the university. The area looked a lot like the area her mom's house was in, yet it was on the other side of town and she had never been there until earlier this year when she had confronted her father for the first time in 20 years. The grass on the front lawn was trimmed; the flowers in the beds looked gorgeous. It looked like the perfect family home. She was too nervous to go in and meet the sister he welcomed into the world a little over twelve months after leaving her mother.  
"Are you sure you can do this alone?" Derek asked as he looked at his wife who bid her lower lip.  
"I should have swallowed the car keys. Yours and mine." Meredith mumbled as she thought about the patient she had treated in the ER earlier this week.  
"What?" Derek wondered  
"Never mind, I can. I have to be." Meredith told him.  
"You know I can go in with you." Derek said pushing her to go out.  
"No Derek, we discussed this. It's not the best occasion to introduce my husband to them today. Especially as they don't have a clue I am seeing anyone or have been seeing anyone for that matter. Maybe it's for the better they don't, maybe they won't ask questions about it once we tell them." Meredith got angry.  
"Meredith, we have to tell people eventually and the ring pretty much tells it all." Derek told her  
"No, Derek, I don't have to tell them." Meredith said defensively while looking at the ring on her finger.  
"You're still ashamed about the way we met" Derek said offended.  
"Derek, it's really not about the way we met. It really isn't" Meredith tried to explain to him.  
"…except I get the impression that it is, especially considering the fact that you don't want to tell them you got married in the first place." Derek screamed at her.  
"Come on, I told Cristina and Izzie" Meredith screamed at him.  
"Because you were desperate and needed to blow off steam, not because you introduced us or anything, tell me I'm wrong." Derek accused her.  
"You haven't told your mother either, have you?" Meredith wondered.  
"No, but that's a different story. She's not here." Derek defended himself.  
Their heated discussion continued as Meredith told him "I don't see how this is a different story. You met a girl, you got drunk, you got married and now you're her boss, it's not that hard and it's still the same embarrassing story I have to tell except I don't remember any of it." Meredith tried to push the topic. She was angry because she wanted to be angry, she wanted to be angry because she was scared.  
Seeing that Meredith was nervous, Derek calmed her down by saying "Meredith, we shouldn't talk about this right now, let's wait until after your dinner with your dad's family."  
As she insisted "I want to talk about it now, Derek. You see I'm some kind of maniac who needs to see a shrink because of all the issues she's having with her life." pointing out that she was hurt by the fact that he had suggested her to see a shrink the day Susan came to the hospital.  
"Meredith, I never said that, I want you to be happy. But with everything that has been going on in your life lately, I really think you need to talk to someone who helps you process all of it and isn't involved in your life." Derek told her.  
Meredith realized that Derek wouldn't give in and wouldn't let her walk out without getting into her father's house so she told him "Thanks for that. I'm going to go now, see you later."

As Meredith rang the door bell Thatcher opened the door and let her in. She sat down in the living room looking at all the pictures of his happy family. She could see two high school graduations, several pictures of Christmas or Thanksgiving gathering and a few portraits as she spotted a picture of herself and her dad on the lawn in front of her mother's house. Looking at it she realized she couldn't remember when this picture had been taken. Judging the way she looked, she must have been 4 or 5, but she had no recollection of the red trolley that was on the ground right next to her. "Do you know who you are to me? The guy who used to pour my cereal. I don't remember anything else. You are the guy who used to pour my cereal." she said as Thatcher sat down on the opposite side of the living room table. He looked down and his expression changed from happy to regretful. "Meredith, I made a mistake. A long time ago I made a mistake by walking out of your life. I don't know if you can ever forgive me, but I'm glad that you are talking to Susan, that you want to talk to Lexie, that you are trying to let me in. This wasn't about you, this wasn't because I didn't love you, it was because I thought it was what was best for you." Thatcher said cautiously. "It hurts to see how great Susan and you are by now, because I would love to have that with you, but I understand that you need time."  
"Why didn't you ever fight for me?" Meredith wondered.  
"You were living on the other side of the country. But that's no reason. People make mistakes, people get married way too young and for the wrong reasons, it happens. Don't get me wrong, I did love your mom, she was an incredible woman. But we were not compatible and made each other miserable. We never wanted the same thing. Loving her almost destroyed me. There was no happily ever after and I thought you would be better off without the tension between me and your mother. I didn't want you to have to split the holidays, fly across the country to see me a few days. I thought it was better this way, I really did and a few months later I was married again and we were expecting a baby. I should have fought for you, I know. I wouldn't have stayed in the marriage with Ellis for as long as I did if it wouldn't have been for you. I was miserable and I didn't recognize myself in the end, but sometimes love is doing that to you. The time I spent with you was the only time I was happy. When Ellis asked me for the divorce I was relieved, it was an easy way out." Thatcher told her looking truly sorry. She smiled at him and didn't know what to tell him. So she just sat there and looked at the other framed photographs in the room until Susan and Lexie arrived at the house.

It had been an awkward dinner. Between her dad's revelation that he had made a terrible mistake and meeting her sister for the first time after more than 20 years she couldn't decide which part of the evening affected her more. She felt like Lexie was way more enthusiastic about meeting her than she was about meeting Lexie. She never asked for a sister and except from going to Med School there wasn't a lot they had in common she thought and she felt like everyone was walking on eggshells in order to avoid any touchy topics like her childhood, her mother or her work at the hospital. But it was a step towards the right direction, she thought as she walked into her house after dinner. "Hey, How was it?" her gorgeous husband asked her as she walked into the kitchen. Derek had decided to drive to her house and wait for her because he knew that despite the fighting Meredith would need encouragement.  
"I met her and she is all perky and smiley and happy. I'm sure she had happy posters on her wall as a child" Meredith stated looking straight outside the kitchen window.  
"Meredith?" a confused Derek looked at her.  
"Sorry, it wasn't too bad. I mean slightly awkward, but okay. She's smart. Apparently she loved the idea of having a big sister. But I'm not really big sisterly, am I? I still hate her though and I told them about the husband thing. And they want to meet you." Meredith elaborated.  
"That's great. So you're not mad at me?" he answered surprised and yet relieved. He was afraid for the answer he was about to get now. He knew his wife didn't really hate her new found sister but was really just intimidated because Lexie probably appeared to be happy, but he was unsure whether Meredith still held a grunge against him for pushing her to tell her father's family that she's married.  
"Not as mad as I was when I left the car. But the whole fighting thing sort of pushed me over the edge and gave me the courage to go in there and meet her. So thank you for that" she smiled grabbing a beer from the fridge and walking over to him. "The dinner conversation was so awkward that I just told them I was married and it really wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be, but we were talking about the best way to change a diaper before I said I was married"  
"You know I can call my mom now and tell her or we can fly over and tell her" he suggested to her in order to show that he was committed to make their marriage work.  
But Meredith told him to wait "Derek, do it when you are ready. I don't want to push you. I'm a runner and I know I run, but I want to work on it"  
"I'm glad you came back. So you are going to go back to your shrink?" Derek wondered.  
"I might." Meredith said as she sat down next to Derek and kissed him. "And I love you Derek, but don't try so hard to fix me."


	25. Mama Knows Best

**Chapter 25 Mama Knows Best**

The sun shone through the window the next morning which was a rare occasion in Seattle. Instead of focusing on the weather Derek chose to observe his wife's last minute of sleep before he had to drive to work. She looked peaceful and let out a loud snore, which kind of amazed him every time he heard it in the morning, even though it caused him to stay awake some night. "Morning" Derek said with a huge smile on his face as he saw his wife's eyes move for the first time this morning, which meant that she was about to wake up. She lay flat on her belly when she looked at him and asked him "Were you watching me sleep? "  
Derek cuddled her and said "Maybe"  
"What are you, some kind of weirdo who watches women sleep?" Meredith joked as she turned around to get up. She was wearing her old Dartmouth sweater but she couldn't look more beautiful.  
"Maybe" Derek smirked.  
"You realize I'm still mad at you? At least a little bit" she wondered as their eyes met.  
"Are you?" Derek asked kissing her neck.  
"I am." Meredith said with a smile on her face.  
"I know a way to make you feel better" he said passionately kissing her neck.  
"Don't Derek, it's a beautiful day to save lives, and all of this, you have to get to the hospital" Meredith mocked him.

It was her day off so Meredith decided to study for her intern test, make an appointment with her therapist and to go through a few of her mother's boxes with personal items to see which ones she was going to keep. Studying for the test was easy for Meredith. Her mom had discussed medical procedures at the breakfast table before she was able to read and Meredith felt like she had a natural talent for learning off symptoms and treatment methods. She didn't feel prepared for her intern test though. Her mom had told her that she didn't have what it took to be a surgeon and after one year of residency and countless sleepless nights she wasn't too sure if her mother was wrong. She had personal issues and she wasn't able to set them aside to focus on what was most important at the minute. She took a sip from her cup and continued to study for the test.  
Around noon she had looked through two boxes with childhood memories when she found one of her mother's journals in the box. The journals usually contained mostly surgical notes and no personal information or thoughts, but today she came across a journal that contained a lot of private thoughts and seemed to be very personal to her mother as she had kept it with Meredith's childhood memories rather than with all the other journals. It contained the notes about the so called "Grey Method" for which her mother had received her first Harper-Avery nomination, but what really caught Meredith's eye was a note that was dated with September 1983, which was a few months after they had moved to Boston. Meredith didn't remember a lot about this time, in her memory it was all a big blur. She knew she had started going to elementary school that summer, but aside from her first day at school and the new house in Boston there wasn't anything she was able to recall. Everything she could remember was a red sea of blood, which didn't make too much sense to her. Her mother had started working at a new hospital and she got to see how little different one hospital gallery looked from the other, how little the working hours varied from one hospital to the other and how little her mother's life had changed after moving to the other side of the coast.

_"__-Boston, 23__rd__ September 1983-  
The cards we are dealt are the cards we have to play with. If you don't like them, you have no choice but to put on a smile and keep playing. You cannot throw them away and leave to improve your chances in the game. In surgery we have to operate on the patient in front of us and deal with the complications that are thrown at us, we can't choose our patients. Surgeons like to think they are in control; we like to think we are in control when we are standing at this operating table, but we are not. A surgery can fail for any number of reasons, whether from a patient's morbidity or surgeon's ineptitude. Once the mistake is made, once the complication arises, there's no going back, but by the time you close up the patient you better made sure you dealt with your mistakes and his. Unfortunately in life mistakes are not as easy to correct as in surgery, at least for me. Whenever I see my daughter in the gallery my heart breaks. How different would her life be if the cards I had been dealt were different or if I had decided to play them in another way? She's a strong child, a bright child and I can't help but wonder what she's going to achieve in her life despite the fact that I know I open her up every morning and leave bleeders when I close her up every night. I just can't get the suture to hold. But I know she's a fighter and she's going to survive nonetheless."_

'What is this supposed to mean?' Meredith wondered. Did her mother compare screwing up Meredith's life with making the same mistake in surgery all over again? It was the first time she had found anything personal in the journal and she wondered why she came across now. She was preparing for the most important test since finishing med school and she was trying to make a marriage work. She never thought her mom had doubts about the way she had brought up her daughter. She had spent most holidays in Boston at the hospital. At some stage she helped the nurses bring meals to the patients or helped to keep the patients' files updated and her mother never seemed to see anything wrong about this. When she was ten her mother got her a suture kit and she a few months later her sutures were better than the sutures of all interns at the hospital. As she read on she could feel intense amounts of self doubt in her mother's words and it was a feeling she never thought her mother had. The Ellis Grey she remembered from that time was a woman who put her career first and did everything to advance her career, who was confident and strong. The surgeon Ellis Grey was everything she wasn't. To her Ellis Grey was a strong confident woman who loved her career more than her daughter. She wondered whether Ellis could have offered her any advice on her situation right now. 'Was it okay to have a little self doubt after all?' Meredith wondered thinking about her relationship with Derek and his hesitation to tell his family about their nuptials. Was she leaving bleeders every night? Was she a fighter?

When Derek came in after work in the evening he smiled at her and told her "I called my mother and I told her about us" She hadn't expected this after their fight last night so she was caught off guard and asked him "So what did she say?" in a very matter of fact tone. Had she been worrying about nothing?  
"She wants to meet you and she was glad I called" Derek said.  
"and she hates that I got married to you the day we met" Meredith added voicing her biggest concern.  
"My mom doesn't judge people before she meets them, so you're safe until then. But I'm sure she's going to like you, Mer. Don't worry about it. And she has seen our wedding pictures and said you looked nice, so I wouldn't worry about it" Derek tried to calm her down.  
"You showed her our wedding pictures, which I haven't seen yet by the way and you tell me I shouldn't be worried? Last time we talked about them you told me I puked when we took them." Meredith laughed.  
"I didn't send those to her, relax. But she said that she was going to fly to Seattle to visit me and Mark and to get to know you." Derek explained to her.  
"Dr. Sloan is staying in Seattle? I thought he and Addison really hit it off and he was going back to New York." Meredith wondered as the plastic surgeon had been on leave for the past week.  
"Well, I couldn't tell you anything about it, that's what my mother told me. You should call him Mark, though, he's my best friend. My mother said that he and Addison would fly to Seattle tomorrow, that's all I know. So you're not freaking out that she's going to come? You seem awfully calm" Derek asked her.  
"In fact I am freaking out about it. I appear to be calm because I thought about the three fastest routes to the airport and where I was going to fly to." Meredith chuckled.  
"So where are you going to fly to?" Derek said with a huge grin in his face.  
"First I thought Vegas because it kind of did the trick last time, but then I thought everything that happened in Vegas was what got me into that mess in the first place, so I picked DeMoines." Meredith explained.  
"Why DeMoines?" Derek wondered.  
"Because no sane person would go there looking for me. It's too dull and boring." Meredith told him with and started to laugh from all her heart. It was a genuine laugh and he was intrigued by the glow on her face.  
"I see you have it all planned out." He chuckled.  
Meredith smiled and the expression on her face changed. "But then I thought: I don't have to be dark and twisty anymore, from now on I'm going to be bright and shiny. So I'm going to embrace the moment, put on a smile and say hello when your mom arrives. Because I'm bright and shiny Meredith, and other people like bright and shiny Meredith." His wife told him. It sounded like she was trying to persuade herself rather than him.  
"You are serious? Do you want to calm me down, try to persuade me you're not going to run?" Derek asked suspiciously.  
"I do. But I really have to go now; don't want to be late for my night shift." She said holding the car keys. She was going to work the night shift and he'd be sleeping in her bed on his own. "…and Derek, don't be mad, but I'm not ready to introduce you to Thatcher and his folks yet. I need time to get to know them on my own and after that happened; you can get to know them."

Meredith and Cristina met in the intern locker room. Cristina was getting ready to go home while Meredith had a night shift ahead of her "My mother said raising me felt like making the same mistake in surgery over and over again." Meredith said looking at Cristina "She was a brilliant surgeon and she said I'm the reason she's a failure"  
"You're mother is dead, Mer." Cristina said.  
"I know that. I read one of the journals she wrote when I was 5. She wrote that she felt bad about the way she was raising me. Why didn't she ever tell me?" Meredith explained.  
"Because one of the first things you learn here is to never admit your mistakes in front of your patients." Cristina told her "You remember the heart you punctured with your gloves? It almost got you fired."  
"I couldn't have sued her though" Meredith closed her locker walked away. "And telling me I was bright and strong wouldn't have been a bad thing. She could have told me she loved me, instead she told me I was ordinary."  
"Meredith, I would have loved to be brought up by your mom." Cristina told her as their ways parted for the night.


	26. Wake Up Call

**Chapter 26 Wake Up Call**

Meredith was hitting the fifteenth hour of her sixteen hour shift when she walked to Derek's office with a set of scans in her hand. As usual she walked into Derek's office without knocking because he had told her it wasn't necessary. "Excuse me, we need you for a consult in the pit." She said while opening the door. Taking a look into the room she was shocked "Derek, what are you and Lexie doing her?" she wondered and turned around in an instant.  
Derek got up from his seat and ran after her. As he reached her he grabbed her arm. "Meredith, listen, she was here for her internship interview. She applied." He tried to explain. He knew he had to calm her down because she clearly looked unhappy about finding the sister she had just met in his office.  
"Hey, Meredith." Lexie greeted her sister waving with one hand.  
"Hey Lexie, and you conducted the interview?" Meredith greeted her sister harshly and addressed Derek at the same time.  
"Yes, I was assigned to interview 20 of the possible candidates. You should be glad Mark isn't interviewing her." He explained.  
"and the board and Webber never assumed that it might be inappropriate to let you interview your sister in law or half sister in law or whatever?" Meredith wondered as Meredith still suspected Derek went behind her back to meet her father's family.  
"Must have been an oversight or they haven't looked at my updated file yet, but I don't think she needs favors." Derek told Meredith in front of his office.  
"You should tell them before they found out themselves; I don't want her not to get into the program because her half sister is married to the interviewer. Webber wouldn't like that." Meredith insisted.  
"'I'm going to tell them, but she has incredible credentials, so I don't think it would be an issue. And you should talk to Lexie while she is here. Great chance to show her the hospital, talk to her, get to know her." Derek told her.  
"I don't know about this. But if it makes you happy I can try! But I had enough revelations about my past in the last twenty four hours, so don't expect me to try too hard. I'm going to come back later, and remember, they need you for a consult, nothing urgent, but you should have a look at that." Meredith told him and handed over the scans. Before she walked off she told her sister "Good luck, Lexie! I'm sure you don't need it. If you want you can see me in the cafeteria at lunch, I am sure my husband would be delighted for you to talk to me."

Meredith had decided to take Derek's advise and go back to see a psychiatrist, and luckily for her today was her first appointment, so she had someone to discuss her family issues with. "My husband is talking to my sister and it's freaking me out." She blared out after sitting down on Dr. Wyatt's sofa.  
"Hello Meredith, I'm glad you are back. Do you want to talk about it?" her therapist said in a calm and friendly tone. She had met Meredith for three sessions after her drowning experience because those sessions had been mandatory for her to go back to work, but Meredith had never really opened up about her problems to her.  
"About the husband or about the sister or about the talking?" Meredith wondered because she knew that Dr. Wyatt knew about neither one.  
"Why don't we begin with the husband? The last time you were here you told me you haven't been seeing anyone but were engaged in frequent one night stands. So what happened these past few weeks?" Dr. Wyatt started the conversation. So far Meredith had always been rather hostile towards her, so she was surprised that her patient opened up so quickly today.  
"A lot, apparently after the drowning and mom dying I felt like I was overwhelmed by responsibility, so when my college friend Sadie called and invited me to Vegas, I got drunk and married. That's the reason I quit coming, I was kind of embarrassed about it because I didn't know who I got married to for about two weeks and then it turned out he was my new boss." Meredith started to explain quickly.  
"Okay, that's a lot to digest, so how do you feel about that." Dr. Wyatt asked as she looked at the young surgeon.  
"Good, actually" Meredith answered with hints of a smile on her face.  
"Can you explain?" Dr. Wyatt continued the conversation.  
"So, obviously I was confused at first and ashamed because who does that? Get married, forget who to, run away from the guy before meeting him the next morning and all of that." Meredith told her.  
"Okay, so you were miserable because you had engaged in behaving in your typical pattern again" Dr. Wyatt summed up what she had just heard.  
"Yes, and I was even more miserable after I found out he was my boss, because you know, I don't date coworkers or bosses, and now I was forced to deal with him." Meredith added.  
"Because your mother slept with a coworker and it broke up your parent's marriage." the psychiatrist added remembering Meredith's abandonment issues from their last sessions.  
"Yes, and because of the trouble that goes along with it. See, when Derek arrived, I flat out refused to talk to him because he was my boss." Meredith told her.  
As she had never heard the name Derek before Dr. Wyatt asked her patient "Derek is your husband?"  
"Yes, he is. So when he started working here and told me that it was him that I got married to, I asked him for a divorce and tried to keep it professional, but it didn't work." Meredith told her.  
"Do you know why?" the psychiatrist asked her to explore her patient's newly built relationship.  
"Yes, he was charming and pushing me to go on dates with him and to get to know me, most of the time anyway. As we were married I had no other option but to meet him and discuss the divorce. I wanted to divorce him because I never thought that we could work out." Meredith explained as she thought about their awkward encounter in front of the bar or their first kiss in the elevator on his second day on the job.  
"Why?" the therapist wanted her patient to tell her. Dr. Wyatt had treated Meredith ever since the drowning incident and was well aware that she had problems to bond with people and to fully trust them.  
"I've never been in a loving relationship and I was afraid to get hurt and he was Dr. Sloan' childhood friend, which isn't exactly the best thing to be and because he was my boss and because getting drunk and married in Vegas isn't exactly the best way to start of a relationship" Meredith explained.  
"So what changed?" Dr. Wyatt asked.  
"Honestly? I think I did. Every time I talked to him I got incredibly emotional and after a while I was hoping for a happy end. He was there and told me all the right things and it healed me." Meredith told her.  
Dr. Wyatt grew suspicious about the last comment because she sensed that there was tension somewhere so she decided to state "and yet you are back to see me".  
"Well, we had a fight recently in which he suggested that it would be good to go back to you." Meredith admitted.  
"So you are here because he told you to?" Dr. Wyatt wondered.  
"No, because I want to. I was happy the other day, truly happy, and the second I realized it all I could think of was what horrible things are going to happen in the near future that takes it away from me." Meredith told her as she looked at the clock.  
"So you are afraid of getting a happy ending?" her therapist asked straight out.  
"That would cover it. I think I need to heal first." Meredith said reflecting upon their conversation.  
"Do you mind to tell me more about how you and .. uhmm.. Derek?" the therapist started to get to the bottom of Meredith's abandonment issues.  
"Well, he's an attending here at the hospital so he understands if I'm working crazy hours. He is very charming and he makes me smile. I think he gets me. He isn't afraid of me being dark and twisty. He calms me down when I'm scared." Meredith told her. Dr. Wyatt was able to hear a warmth in Meredith's voice and a sense of security that she had never heard before.  
"So you are afraid, he's going to leave like your father did?" Dr. Wyatt wondered.  
"I am." Meredith told her.  
"Do you think it's a very likely scenario?" Dr. Wyatt asked her.  
After having thought about it for a moment Meredith finally managed to answer "No."  
Wrapping up their conversation, Dr. Wyatt apologized to her "I'm sorry, but time is up, Meredith." As she got up and shook Meredith's hand she told her "I think you made great progress today, in fact I'm quite surprised about the change I see since you last visited me. I'm looking forward to see you next week." Realizing how much she had achieved in therapy today, Meredith decided that she should discuss what had happened earlier today with Derek, so she grabbed her keys and went home.

Derek was waiting for her at home when she arrived. "Why wouldn't you tell me that you were going to talk to Lexie?" Meredith told him as she walked into her bed room, where he sat on the bed reading medical journals. "Meredith, I was conducting a job interview, it's not like I invited her over for coffee" Derek defended himself.  
"Derek, you could have told me and you didn't need to push me to talk to her. She's my sister, MY sister; it's none of your business." Meredith screamed at him.  
"Meredith, we are married, it is my business because we are married. I want my wife to have a family" Derek told her. He didn't mean to anger her, but it seemed that she got angrier by the minute. The therapy session with Dr. Wyatt had stirred up a lot of emotion.  
Meredith yelled "Seriously? Derek, I was drunk, you were drunk, we didn't know each other. We're dating now, but this marriage it doesn't mean anything."  
Derek was hurt and started to yell as well "You didn't just say this? The past two months don't mean anything to you?"  
"Don't Derek! Don't do this, you don't have to try and fix me, I need no fixing! I'm capable of fixing myself. I don't need you getting involved in my family drama. I met Lexie, I talked to Thatcher. You made that happen, you changed me and I don't want anyone to change me, it's like I even don't recognize myself. I'm not that person, I don't care about sisters or talk to fathers. I tell you I don't want you to meet them before I got to know them, you go and meet Lexie." Meredith told him walking nervously around the bed.  
"Meredith, I am involved in your family drama because I am your husband, whether you like it or not" he yelled.  
"Just go Derek, I don't want to say anything that I'm going to regret later. Go." Meredith yelled pointing to the door which he slammed on his way out. She fell down on her bed and started to cry.


	27. Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

_Thanks for the feedback everyone!  
_

* * *

**Chapter 27 Should I Stay Or Should I Go?**

The sun rose as Meredith nervously approached Derek's trailer in the middle of the woods. She was sleep deprived because between studying for her intern test and thinking about the argument they had had in the evening it was impossible to sleep. She could see the lights from outside so she knew Derek was going to be there. They had argued and she had felt insecure about her family issues. She knew she overreacted when topics like her father came up, but she reacted like this because she was afraid that Derek would run away if he realized how much her upbringing impacted her and how damaged she really was. But she was determined to discuss it with him. As she stood on the deck in front of the trailer she had to take a deep breath to calm her down. They had never been in a fight like this since they decided to give their relationship a chance. Nobody had told the other to leave, nobody left without talking to the other for an entire night. She hadn't slept at all. She was concerned. Concerned about the future, about her relationship with Derek and about the intern test she would take later today. After she had thought about what she was going to say, she quickly opened the door. As she opened the door she saw Derek who had just gotten out of the shower and a woman with short dark hair who was lying on his bed. Meredith froze as she had not expected this to ever happen. She saw Derek, who was half naked and an attractive woman on his bed. She turned around and left. Derek followed her wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist, his hair was wet and it seemed like he had just gotten out of the shower. "I thought I would come over and apologize, but obviously you have already moved on, I'm leaving" Meredith told him as she approached her car. She tried to unlock it, but was too nervous and mixed up to get the key into the lock.  
Derek begged her "Meredith, wait, let me explain!"  
"No Derek! You don't have to explain because it's pretty obvious what's going on here" Meredith yelled as tears pushed into her eyes.  
"Meredith, Calm down and let me explain!" Derek tried to calm her down.  
"You ruin it. I chose to let you in and you ruin it. I wouldn't have chosen this because it's just so complicated, but you pushed me, and we tried to make it work out and now you are in bed with this slutty skank! We should have gotten divorced the second you arrived in Seattle!" Meredith cried and finally managed to stick the key into the lock. The woman who had rested on his bed had stepped outside the trailer to observe their conversation.  
"It is complicated because you just chose to make it complicated because you don't let me explain what's going on here. You run away! You run away when everything gets too complicated, every time you feel like you're too happy and honestly, I'm tired of reassuring you that everything is going to be fine." Derek told her.  
"Do you know what happened the last time I let someone in? It almost destroyed me. After my parents broke up I never felt like I was good enough to deserve anyone's love and now it's happening again. This is a mistake, you are a mistake. We have a fight and the first thing you do is pick up a random skank and bang her in your trailer." Meredith yelled as she opened the car door. She felt like her heart had burst into a thousand little pieces.  
"Nancy isn't a slutty skank." Derek told her, but she wouldn't listen to him.  
"Whatever Derek, I knew this was too good to be true. I knew this was a mistake, I let you in I opened up and you go and destroy me. I'm going to call the lawyer and explain everything to them. I don't need mistakes in my life. They are going to send you the papers and I don't ever want to see you again." She said angrily.  
"Fine, Meredith go ahead. Destroy everything we built these past weeks" Derek shouted at her as he was angry that she wouldn't let him explain everything to her.  
"You destroyed it. You cheated! I'll call them. I won't hesitate! Good bye Derek, I hope I'll never see you again!" Meredith yelled, took off her ring and threw it into the woods "Here, you can have your ring back". She had to force herself to stop crying and not to speed. After all she wanted to get to the hospital in one piece, but she felt betrayed and crushed. She wanted to drown.

George, Cristina and Izzie were preparing for their intern test in the locker room when Meredith came in. It had been a minor miracle that she hadn't wrapped her car around a pole somewhere o the way and she looked like hell. She needed someone to talk to, so she grabbed Cristina and George and pulled them outside to tell the news. "McDreamy was doing the McNasty with McBitchy". She wanted to yell at George and hit him because he had done the same thing to his wife, but she started to cry instead.  
Looking at her friend Cristina couldn't understand what was going on and uttered "What?"  
"There was a woman in Derek's bed when I came to see him at the trailer. We had a fight, I told him to go, he has moved on, one fight and he has moved on, there was someone else in his bed" Meredith said with tears in her eyes.  
"Oh." Was everything Cristina could think of saying as she was too occupied with both the test and her upcoming wedding. "You are going to be fine. And you know the material. You're going to get a high score...not as high as mine...but everything's going to be fine." Alex approached them wondering "What are you guys all standing around for? Don't we have a test to...what happened?" As he tried to find out what was wrong with him, the Chief's assistant came to guide them to the test room.

Meredith felt like she was having an out of body experience as she walked down the hall to get to the test room. It felt unreal, like it was happening to someone else. She felt numb and the image of the woman on Derek's bed was all she could think about. They turned left to get to the elevators, she couldn't tell who pressed the call button, but she didn't, she just stood there and stared at it wondering how often she had pressed it since the beginning of her internship. The doors opened, they got in, and she kept staring. She felt void as she realized that she had kissed Derek in this elevator. She would never kiss him again as he was with this other woman. It didn't matter if it happened once or if she was going to be his girlfriend, wife, whatever, he had moved on. The doors opened when they reached the 2nd floor, the others left, Meredith froze and remained inside. When the doors started to close again someone grabbed her arm. She looked at him and saw George. "Come on, you can do this" She knew she could, she didn't want to! She followed George who didn't let go of her arm.  
As the proctor told them to take their seats and put away all study material, she took a seat in the room and stared at the wall. She didn't care about the outcome of this test as her life felt futile. Everyone she ever loved left her, betrayed her, cheated, and lied.  
"Okay, if you don't know the answer, choose "B." It's always "B.""Cristina told her before the exam started, but it only echoed somewhere in the back of her head and she was indeed unconscious of what Cristina told her. It felt like one inescapable nightmare. Her eyes followed the second hand of the clock. Tick! Tock! Tick! Tock!  
"And write your name in the upper right-hand corner of your answer sheets." The proctor instructed the residents. Tick! Tock! "You may open your test booklets...now." he said looking at his watch. Tick! Tock! Tick! Tock! Tick! While the other residents were busy answering all the questions in the answer book and transferring the correct answers to the evaluation slip Meredith sat there staring at the wall in front of her. Tick! Tick! Tock! Tick! Failing her intern test and leaving this hospital forever would be the easiest way out, she could run and nobody would question her motives. After all her mother was right, she was ordinary, she had fallen in love and it had crushed her, she didn't have what it took to be a surgeon because she had allowed herself to fall in love. George was visibly distracted by her behavior and kept lurking at her while everyone else in the room was working as hard as possible to answer the test questions. After the time was up Meredith left immediately as George tried to talk to her "Meredith. Meredith!" he screamed, but Meredith walked away. "She didn't write anything on the test. She didn't answer a single question. She just sat there." George told Cristina.  
"Wait, G...George, just...just give her a second." Cristina told him realizing that there was not much point in talking to her at the moment. As Meredith walked past the nurse's station Derek saw her. He knew he had to explain what had happened in the morning, but she looked sad and he wanted to know how her intern test had gone. "Hey. How'd it go? Meredith." He asked, but Meredith kept walking without acknowledging his existence.  
"Don't talk to her. I've got it. In fact, don't ever talk to her again. This is your fault!" Cristina threatened him as she tried to keep up with Meredith.

Meredith had decided to sit down in the waiting room. She looked miserable and so did a lot of the people in there. She blended in perfectly, she thought as the other interns were looking at her from the hallway that was above the waiting room.  
"It's not like she actually flunked. She...she just didn't write anything." Izzie said.  
"It's kinda like she actually flunked." Alex opposed.  
"One guy two years ago, he was on call three nights before his test. He slept through the whole thing. He had to repeat his intern year." George told them.  
"She can't repeat her intern year. It's pathetic. We have to do something. Cristina." Izzie told Cristina.  
"What? O...okay, I don't know. I mean, Meredith and I don't fail things. This is not in my book. It's all Shepherd's fault. Ever since he showed up here she's an even greater mess than she was ever before." Cristina agreed as all their pagers went off.  
"It's Bailey. We gotta go. We gotta go." George told them, but Izzie insisted "We can't just leave her here."  
"You got a better idea?" Alex Karev wondered. "You can't pull her out of the water every time. She needs to learn how to swim"

George decided to stay in the waiting room with Meredith and tried to talk to her. They had both lost a parent and they were both on the road to divorce their spouses so he felt like he should take care of Meredith. "It's like we're on a train that's going 200 miles an hour and it would just be so nice to get off and just...stand on the platform, just for a minute." George told her.  
"Looks like I'm off the train." Meredith concluded. She wondered why George was talking to her. He had cheated on Callie, he didn't know about the pain it caused to be the spouse that was cheated on, that was abandoned.  
"Our parents died. When a parent dies, it doesn't make any sense. So you make a lot of really terrible decisions...that you're going to end up having to live with for a long time." George tried to calm her down. But Meredith didn't feel like talking to anyone.  
"You should go. I really don't want to talk about this. You are still on the train. It's okay. You have to go. Go. Go. Go, go." She told him. Once she found the courage to get up she'd leave the hospital, the city, the state and start over somewhere else.

The moment Mark entered the hospital he spotted Meredith Grey, who was sitting in the hospital waiting room looking miserable. "Do you mind if I sit?" he wondered looking at his best friend's wife. Meredith didn't react, so Mark sat down next to Meredith. For a while they shared a moment of silence. "Why is he calling her Satan?" Meredith asked him after what seemed like an eternity.  
Mark was taken by surprise as she didn't expect this to come up. "Grey, I don't have a clue what's going on here, but I like you, so I'm going to tell. She is Satan. She was the biggest mistake he made in his life and he was the biggest one in hers. They made each other feel lonely and miserable; they got tired of each other, tired of being with each other, tired of fighting, tired of trying. At first they were happy, so happy you felt nauseous if you saw them together, when their careers took off everything changed, she was bitchy and he was bitchy, she was hurtful and so was he. He grew tired of all the fighting, so did she and that's the point where all hope is gone. Neither one of them was courageous enough to admit it was over. That's why he calls her Satan. Grey, it's not the fighting that kills your marriage, if fighting with him feels like your heart is ripped into tiny pieces, there's a chance. If it feels like it's still whole even though you are fighting, that's when you should stop fighting. I don't know what Derek did, but I hope you are going to be okay, Grey."  
"You really seem to like her. Was she the reason you went all man whore? Compensating for the one woman you couldn't have?" Meredith asked  
"Grey? Is that really you?" Sloan wondered.  
"Sorry, shrink talking, too much therapy and thinking about therapy lately, sorry" Meredith laughed "and now get the hell away from me, I want to be self-loathing myself alone here."  
"Why do you hate yourself?" Mark wondered.  
"Because I'm an idiot" Meredith said. "An idiot, who is in love."


	28. Tainted Love

**Chapter 28 Tainted Love**

The conversation he had had with Meredith echoed in George's mind when he approached the Chief in the hall. He was anxious to talk to the Chief as he hadn't told him about his transfer to Mercy West yet. "Hi, Chief." The intern greeted his boss.  
"O'Malley, finally coming to see me about that letter from Mercy West?" the Chief wondered, but was interrupted by George. "No, Sir. I'm here about Meredith. I have to say, I don't get it." He told him and explained what had happened during the exam. He hoped there was a way to make this right for Meredith and was happy when the Chief told him that he would look into it. Maybe he couldn't make things right between Callie and him, but it took less to fix things for Meredith.

Scrubbing into a surgery didn't help to distract George from worrying about Meredith as Derek would be right next to him on the other side of the operating table. It didn't help to have Callie who was assisting on the orthopedic aspect of the surgery standing right next to him either as they still had a lot to work through in their marriage. He entered the OR feeling very uncomfortable. The neurosurgeon quizzed him on the procedure they were going to perform "The patient's laminotomy happens at what level, Dr. O'Malley?"  
"The level of maximal neural compressions between the pedicles of the fractured vertebrae." George answered with utmost confidence.  
"Very good. You must have aced your exam today." Derek said unaware of what had happened during the exam.  
"I don't know about aced." George lied as he had been distracted by a lot of things during the exam, one of them being Dr. Shepherd's wife who had decided to fail the exam intently.  
"How did Meredith do?" Derek wondered.  
"Yeah, she was kinda... don't worry, though. I shouldn't tell you anything, it's none of your business anyway but I talked to the chief." George said as he knew about what had happened at the trailer.  
"About what?" Derek wondered.  
"It's really none of your business." George insisted.  
"Why would you think that?" Derek asked him.  
"Because you cheated on her." George said. Callie dropped her instruments. She had not yet forgiven him completely. She was angry so she decided to step away from the operating table until she got control of the rage she felt.  
"Oh, if it's happening to other people cheating is a bad thing." Callie laughed hysterically. "You didn't seem too sorry about it when you slept with Stevens." The OR was silent; all you could hear was the beeping of monitors. Everyone was looking at either Callie or George.  
"Dr. Torres, please get back to your position and continue working. Dr. O'Malley, I do not think that my marital issues with my wife are any of your business." Derek insisted to get control of the situation.  
"She didn't answer a single question on the test, Dr. Shepherd, and she told me that she wasn't on that train anymore so I assume she's going to leave, but we already talked to the Chief." George said as he was staring at Callie. "Callie, I'm sorry."

When Meredith finally got up from her seat it wasn't because she wanted to, but because Izzie had threatened her that she would drag her to the conference room with her two bare hands. Holding her two shoulders with two hands Meredith pushed her into the room, where the Chief was waiting for Meredith. "Here she is." Izzie told him.  
"Thank you, Stevens. You can go now." The Chief told her.  
"We'll be waiting right outside." Izzie told Meredith who still looked broken and fragile.  
"You don't have to." Meredith told Izzie as she didn't intend to talk to her anyway, she just wanted to be alone in her own misery.  
"Shut up." Izzie insisted in a way that Meredith would have expected from Alex rather than Izzie.  
"If you called me here to lecture me..." Meredith started to talk to the Chief, but he interrupted her saying "There's a copy of the intern's exam on the table, some number 2 pencils, a bottle of water and a sandwich if you get hungry. I'll send a proctor in, and I'll come back in a few hours and check on you."  
"You are not my father." Meredith told him.  
"I know that. I know. But I promised your mother to take care of you. I should have taken care of you two a lot sooner. O'Malley talked to me and I'm sure you can do this despite everything that happened today." He said as he hugged her and she broke down crying in the arms of the man that had contributed to her parent's divorce and her mother's maniacal fixation on her work. Nonetheless it helped her and she sat down to answer the questions on the exam. She couldn't hear the clock ticking now, the first exam had dragged on for hours, this time the minutes flew by. She would take the second chance that was offered to her. Transfering would be easier if she had passed the intern exam anyway. As she sat there answering the questions in her exam booklet Derek stood on the other side of the window and kept looking at his wife. He wondered whether he would ever get the chance to explain the situation to her.

After leaving the hospital she felt a little better. The pain had stopped, at least for the moment, she still felt bitter about the situation though. She made a stop at a liquor store and filled up her supplies of tequila. Remembering her mother's journal she knew she was going to survive the day and wake up in the morning. She would probably have a headache, but she was sure she was going to survive the night. She would try to suture and would hope that the sutures would hold. The girls had decided to meet at her house because the guys met at Joe's Bar and tomorrow would be the day of Christina's wedding. The bachelorette party was a rather weird event: two girls who got married in Vegas and had husbands who liked to be in bed with other girls, one of the girls said husbands were in bed with and a bride who seemed reluctant to be a bride met in the living room of what everyone in the hospital considered to be a frat house and dressed up each other with toilet paper wedding dresses while having beer, margaritas and tequila shots.  
"What the hell am I supposed to do about the stupid vows?" Cristina wondered. Burke had been bugging her a lot about their vows lately, but she had been more concerned about her intern exam than her wedding. She felt like it was Burke's wedding, not hers or theirs. He was so much more interested in the cakes and the flowers, her dress, the bridesmaids and the tiny cute details she did not care about. She loved him, she loved him as a person and as a teacher, but she didn't love his idea of a wedding.  
"You still haven't written anything?" Meredith wondered.  
"Well, it's stupid crap." Cristina said.  
"No, it isn't." Izzie insisted as she believed in the one true love.  
Cristina was more pragmatic and less emotional and wondered "Well, what am I supposed to say? I swear to love and cherish you every moment of every day of my life? I mean, that's not real. I mean, that's not how it works, right?"  
"It does, at first, but then it..." Callie told her as she and George were already struggling to make their marriage work after George cheated on her with Izzie.  
"It passes and then he cheats on you with some random skank." Meredith agreed bitter.  
Izzie was the only true romantic in the group and wanted her friends to believe in true love so she insisted. "No, it doesn't. You guys are just used to it. That's all. You already have it. You have that thing everybody else wants. You can take it for granted. But let me tell you, if you didn't, if you couldn't be with the person that you love, I guarantee that hearing him promise to love you and honor you and cherish you, no matter what, it would be pretty much all you could think about." She told her friends thinking about her deceased fiancé.  
"Wait, can you say that again, uh, just slowly?" Cristina wondered as she knew Burke liked that sort of romantic nonsense she wasn't interested in.  
"You're talking about Denny, right?" Meredith asked and Izzie nodded with a sad look on her eyes.

Callie had started to write Cristina's vows onto her hand because there was no way Cristina would memorize all of this. "Okay, these wedding vows are not all going to fit on here." Callie told her as she reassessed her unreadable handwriting.  
"Okay, then write smaller." Cristina said impatiently.  
"Be still, please. 'Vow' just became 'cow'." Callie told them as she was distracted by Cristina and needed to focus.  
"You don't need vows on your hand. When you get up there, just speak from the heart." Izzie tried to tell Cristina, who knew better "Uh, Izzie, the heart is an organ. It pumps, it circulates blood, and it gets clogged from time to time. It does not, however, speak. It doesn't have tiny little lips on it."  
Izzie who was absolutely dissatisfied about her response concluded: Well, you're all "glass totally empty."  
Cristina tried to explain her problem to Izzie. "I'm going to like being married. It's the wedding part that's ridiculous." In fact it had been her fiancé who had insisted on a big wedding whereas she would have preferred a private ceremony or a courthouse wedding. Their little party is interrupted as everyone's pager except from Cristina's goes off.  
"Oh! Party's over." Izzie said looking at her pager.  
"Damn." Callie cursed as she knew this would mean a night shift before the wedding tomorrow.  
Cristina, who was very nervous, was disappointed that they didn't request her for anything "Hey, mine didn't go off. Piece of crap."  
"You can do this, right?" Meredith tried to reassure herself that Cristina would actually walk down the aisle.  
"Become a piece of chattel? Sure. Looking forward to it." Cristina answered letting out one short sarcastic laugh. She hated the choker, she hated the fact that they didn't go to city hall, but had a full blown ceremony, she hated everything about the wedding and she hated that her groom wanted all this.  
"I mean, no matter what, you're walking down that aisle today, tomorrow, whatever. I need you to go down that aisle." Meredith insisted.  
"Is the toilet paper cutting off your circulation?" Cristina wondered referring to the toilet paper that was still wrapped around her body to imitate a wedding dress.  
"You marrying Burke, it's a sign. It's a sign that people like you and me can do this...be healthy, be happy and married. You marrying burke restores my faith in me." Meredith explained. After what had happened in the morning she needed hope and proof that relationships like theirs could sustain.  
"Oh, I get it. My wedding's about you." Cristina stated nervously.  
"Yes." Meredith told her as she left Cristina on her own.

Meredith had been assigned to the Chief's wife, who according to Addison was pregnant.  
"You won't go near an OR in your state" Addison told her with a sad look in her eyes. "Just observe the patient and make sure she gets everything she wants."  
"Are you okay, Dr. Montgomery?" Meredith wondered looking at the gynecologist. Addison had teary eyes and Meredith couldn't help to wonder why.  
"I'm fine, Dr. Grey. Now go and look after your patient" Addison demanded as she left for another consult.  
It was hard to believe because Adele Webber was a woman in her very late 50s. She had experienced spotting earlier in the day and contractions had started. Addison was trying to stop them. As Adele Webber was still waiting in the ER, hooked on to several monitors Meredith arranged to get her a room in the private wing of the hospital. She was sure she would appreciate a little bit more privacy. "Mrs. Webber...your room is ready." Meredith told Adele after checking availability with one of the nurses.  
Adele Webber recognized her face as she was the spitting image of her mother "We've met before. You probably don't remember. You were little." The Chief's wife greeted her. Meredith didn't know how to respond as she was well aware of the Chief's affair with her mother, but didn't know how much his wife knew about it. The choice the Chief had made more than 20 years ago certainly had impacted her life. "Oh." was all she could think of as a response.  
"My husband always flirted with your mother. I didn't want to see that, so...I watched you a lot, watched you grow up. You turned out well. I'm sorry about your mother." Adele told her in a friendly voice referring to her mother's recent death.  
"I'm...sorry about my mother, too." Meredith said. It was true on so many levels. She was sorry that her mother had wrecked their marriage, she was sorry that her mother was her mother, she was sorry her mother was dead. There were so many things she was sorry about.  
"It wasn't your fault. Maybe it wasn't anyone's fault. You get married at 25 thinking, this is it, happily ever after. Maybe there are no happily ever afters. Maybe there's just a happy now and we have to take in as much happiness as we can as we go along." Adele told her. Meredith smiled thinking about what she had just heard.


	29. Let Your Heart Hold Fast

_I'm going to take a small break from writing after chapter 30 as I have to explore if it makes sense to continue, but there are a few loose ends that I would have to figure out how to incorporate before continuing. So it's going to be a while. _

_I hope you are going to enjoy the next to two chapters._

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**Chapter 29 Let Your Heart Hold Fast**

Their shift was over, the ER empty and they gathered in the intern locker room. Anxiety built up as the Chief's assistant Patricia entered the locker room holding five envelopes. "Moment of truth, people." She said and the five turned around in anxious anticipation of the moment they would find out their score.  
"Those are our scores?" Alex asked nervously and she nodded.  
"Grey. Karev. Yang." She said handing off the first three envelopes. Cristina thanked her as she received her envelope. "Stevens. O'Malley." She handed off the other envelopes to the two remaining residents.  
"Yes!" Cristina said happy about her result.  
"Right here, baby." Alex said being delighted about his result.  
"Yes. Thank god." A relieved Izzie told them.  
"Did you pass, Mer?" Cristina wondered as Meredith had been awfully quiet.  
"You bet your married booty, I did." Meredith told with a little smile on her face looking at her perfect score. She looked over to George who looked disappointed as he looked at his results.

As the others left to hurry to get to the wedding Derek entered the locker room wearing a black tuxedo. He looked stunning, but it hurt to look at him. They hadn't talked since she had seen him at the trailer with the another woman, who had been lying on his bed as he had left the shower and Meredith had no intention to listen to him. "If you want to break up with me, divorce me, whatever, so you can see other women, just do it. You cheated. Everyone around me cheats: George, my mom, the Chief, everyone. Don't tell me you met another woman. Just end it if that's what you want." Meredith told him while she looked into her locker because the thought of looking at him just hurt too much. After everything they had been through since meeting one fateful night, she couldn't believe it had come to this.  
"I can't." Derek told her. He wanted to explain everything to her, but she wouldn't listen  
"Sure you can. Here's how it goes...Meredith, I don't want to see you anymore, I want to call the lawyer and erase the mistake I made. Meredith, we've been kidding ourselves, Meredith, I don't love you." She said bitterly. She had fallen in love with him and she had been shattered, her hopes for the future were shattered, but she thought it would hurt less if she said the words herself instead of hearing it from his mouth.  
"Meredith...I do love you. Don't you see? Don't you understand? You're the love of my life. I can't leave you. But you're constantly leaving me. You walk away when you want, you come back when you want. You push me away when you want. You don't listen. Not everyone, not your friends, but you leave me. So I'm asking you...if you don't see a future for us, if you aren't in this...please...please just end it, because I can't. I'm in it. Put me out of my misery." Derek begged her.  
Meredith was surprised. As much as she wanted to hate him for cheating, as much as she wanted to punch him, as much as she was angry at him, she just couldn't tell him, that it was over now. "I...I can't. I...I...Cristina is getting married. I have to go make sure she gets married. We'll talk later." Meredith stuttered as she thought about everything that had happened.  
"Meredith..." Derek said, but was interrupted by Meredith who said "I really need to make sure she gets down that aisle." She grabbed her dress and left him standing in the intern locker room on his alone.

"Thanks for giving me a lift" Meredith told Callie as she sat down in the passenger seat.  
"No problem, it's what friends do" Callie started the car and left the hospital parking lot heading for the chapel. "You hated me, what changed?"  
"I did not. It's crazy. How did we get here? Two weeks ago everything was fine and I thought…" Meredith said thinking about what Derek had told her a few moments ago. If he loved her, why would he cheat.  
"… we were fine and happy. That we had a lifetime of happiness ahead of us." Callie interrupted her.  
"Yeah, a lifetime. So how did we get here?" Meredith agreed and wondered.  
Callie had forgiven George for what had happened with Izzie, but she wouldn't forget about it. He would transfer to Mercy West for the rest of his residency and they would try to make their marriage work. "We just did, but once you accept that it happened, it gets better. There's always a chance" she told Meredith.  
"…except when there isn't" Meredith insisted. "How did you forgive George for what he did?"  
"We swore 'til death do us part. So we have an obligation to try, we are not dead yet." Callie reminded her. "We might have been drunk, but we committed."

The wedding took place inside a beautiful chapel. As they stood on the side of the altar waiting for the ceremony to begin and the bride to arrive, Derek told Burke "Meredith and I may not make it. I think I want it more than she does. But today's your day. It's all about you today." He couldn't believe Nancy's surprise visit had pushed their marriage to this, but he didn't want to make this all about himself.  
"You really are a good best man." Burke said. He knew Meredith and Cristina were best friends and the drama Derek and Meredith were going through would affect Cristina, who had been very nervous about this wedding ceremony anyway.  
"I try." Derek said praying for the best.

Callie and Meredith hurried inside. Arriving late Meredith knocked on the door of the bridal dressing room, where Cristina, her mother and Izzie were preparing for the ceremony that was about to start. Cristina hair was already finished when Meredith came in.  
"I didn't run." Cristina said as her friend arrived. Cristina wore a hideous choker and looked rather uncomfortable in her ivory wedding dress.  
"Oh! -You look beautiful. I'm proud of you." Cristina's mother told her pinching her cheek.  
"Thank you." Cristina said with an irritated look on her face.  
"Frankly, I always feared you were too emotionally stunted to settle down." Cristina's mother told her while she left to get a seat.  
"You can do this." Meredith tried to calm her friend down.  
"There are no words in my head. Okay? I have no vows. No vows. I scrubbed off my vows going into surgery." Cristina started to freak out. She didn't recognize herself. Was she really getting married in this big church in a white dress to keep her teacher happy? No, this wasn't her, she thought to herself  
"It's okay. It's going to be okay." Meredith tried to calm her down.  
"How did you do it?" Cristina wondered. "Walking down the aisle, saying yes, not having a doubt in your mind?"  
"I got drunk and don't remember a single thing about it, Cristina, this is not an option here. You can do this."  
"You know what? Stop saying that! Will you say something else?" Cristina told her harshly.  
"Like what?" Meredith asked confused.  
"Say something that is going to help me." Cristina clarified.  
"Okay, okay!" Meredith said while she thought about what she was going to say, she was still too occupied with what Derek had done or what she thought Derek had done to be fully focused on getting Cristina down that aisle.  
"Meredith, please. You know what? Say something. Say...you know what? I don't know what. Say...say...okay. Say what I would say to you if you were me." Cristina insisted desperately. She needed someone to persuade her that it was the right thing to do.  
"Okay. Got it" Meredith said as she had finally thought of what she was going to tell her friend. She took a deep breath and started to tell Cristina what Cristina would have told her in this situation "Stop whining. This is your wedding day. You will go down that aisle and you will get married. If I have to kick your ass every step of the way to get you there, you will walk down the aisle. You will get married"  
After a short pause she added "Do you hear me, Cristina? We need this. We need you to get your happy ending. You have to show me that there's a possibility to have a happy ending." She was linking her own marriage's fate to Cristina's. She needed a sign from the universe that she had something worth fighting for. If Cristina couldn't do it, how could she?  
"Okay, I'm ready." Cristina said taking a deep breath. Meredith was relieved to hear it and guided her friend outside the room. They were already 15 minutes late and shouldn't make their guest wait any longer.  
"All right, then." Meredith said holding the door for Cristina as they left the dressing room.  
"My train." Cristina reminded the bridesmaids as they almost walked on it.

Preston Burke got more nervous by the minute. Cristina was 20 minutes late when he decided to walk down the aisle to talk to her in the hallway. "Oh. I'm ready. I'm fine. I...Meredith talked me down. Really, I'm fine. Go, go, go. I'll be right behind you." Cristina said as he entered the hallway.  
"I'm sorry." Burke apologized.  
"Oh...I can do this. You know, I had a momentary freak out, but now I'm fine. I can do this. Go." Cristina tried to reassure him, but he was able to sense her nervousness and indetermination.  
"But you don't want to do this. I'm up there waiting for you to come down the aisle, and I knew you don't want to come. I know you don't want to come but that you'll come anyway because you love me. And if I loved you...if I loved you, not the woman that I'm trying to make you be, not the woman that I hope you'll become, but you...if I did...I wouldn't be up there waiting for you. I would be letting you go." Burke told her as he realized this wedding wouldn't happen because their marriage had no chance to succeed.  
"I am wearing the dress. I'm ready. And... and maybe I didn't want to before, but I want to now. I really think I want this." Cristina told him in despair.  
"And I really wish that you didn't think. I wish that you knew." He told her as he left the chapel.

Meredith who had witnessed the scene decided to inform everyone in the chapel about the fact that there wouldn't be a wedding. As she walked down the aisle she could sense that all eyes were on her - including Derek's eyes. He was the best man who still waited for the groom to return and to this second was unaware of what had happened in the hallway. Derek sensed that something was wrong. There was no music and no groom, just a sad looking maid of honor. Meredith looked at him and he looked at her, she had to look away as their eyes met. As she reached the altar she informed everyone that the wedding she had tied the fate of her marriage to wasn't going to take place. "It's over. You can all go home." She said standing up at the elevated altar for everyone to see. The guests looked shocked. She looked at Derek and smiled for a second. "I love you" she moved her lips silently, she wanted to tell Derek, but she couldn't say it out loud. "Why would you do this to me?" Realizing that looking at him hurt more than she wanted to admit she looked away and tears filled her eyes, she hastily walked back to Cristina who sat in the dressing room in complete silence. When she put her arms around Cristina for an intimate hug, both she and Cristina began to cry. Cristina's marriage had never started and Meredith feared that hers was over. He had decided to move on and she was drowning in her feelings.


	30. Don't Stop Believing

**Chapter 30 Don't Stop Believing**

Instead of driving home straight away Meredith decided to take Cristina to the docks. Meredith was wearing her fancy floor length maid of honor dress and Cristina was still wearing her wedding dress. She hadn't been at the docks since she nearly drowned, but she liked the idea of watching the ferryboats during sunset. It reminded her of the first real date Derek and she had been on. "This is where I fell into the water." Meredith told Cristina as they sat down at the spot where a patient has pushed Meredith into the water accidentally.  
"I hope you're not going to try it again because I can't save you in that dress." Cristina laughed as she sat down next to her. She was still wearing her wedding dress "Why are we here anyway? I don't like ferryboats"  
"Because I wanted to come back." Meredith said looking at the water. Cristina was unaware of what Meredith meant. Meredith was glad that she was still alive: glad that Alex had pulled her out of the water, glad that she had fought, glad that her heart had started beating again, glad that she was able to feel all the pain she felt at the minute, glad to be able to find out that her mother felt bad that she inflicted so much pain and caused so much loneliness. Meredith was here because she wanted to come back.  
"Do you think Burke was right to leave me at the altar?" Cristina wondered. "I loved him."  
"You should want it with every inch of your soul, get married, I mean. It was never easy for you, it never was, he wanted all those things and you didn't want them. He wanted the chapel, the cake, the big fancy dress, but that's not who you are. He realized that in time. He was wrong to ask you to get married so quickly after the miscarriage. If you get married, it should be easy. You shouldn't be afraid of being with him, you should be afraid of not being with him. Are you?" Meredith said realizing she was just giving advice to Cristina that also applied to her situation. "Burke was in love with you, but he loved the person he wanted you to become, not the person you are."  
"Deep, Meredith, deep." Cristina said. She smiled and looked at the ferryboats that were crossing the bay afar.  
"Just like the water" Meredith looked at Cristina "My mom told me I was ordinary and I drowned myself because I'm not ordinary. I felt numb, I fell in the water and tried to swim, after a while I wondered if anybody was going to miss me. I wanted to feel something. Just something, and now I feel a thousand different emotions all at the same time. After the drowning everything seemed so clear. For a second my whole life was in front of me and it was nothing like I ever imagined it to be. It wasn't about fighting anymore. I fought all my life and I'm here because I fought, we are fighters, Cristina. I like to feel all those things, but we don't need men in our lives."  
"It's not about needing them, it's about wanting them." Cristina interrupted her.  
"Do you want to be with Burke?" Meredith asked.  
"No, he wants me to become another person. I allowed his mom to walk all over everything I stood for these past few days and I hate myself for it." Cristina said staring at the ferryboat that made its way towards them. "What about you and Derek?"  
"I don't know. He cheated. He cheated and I still want to be with him, it's like wherever I run, he catches up, I want to tell him I love him and I want to be with him, but there he was with Nancy in his trailer at 5 in the morning." They sat there a while looking at the ferryboats and the water.  
"We can go away on your honeymoon together. We can transfer, get away from them." Cristina suggested and one single tear rolled tone her chin.  
"I'm going to take you home" Meredith told her friend "If you still want to go on that honeymoon tomorrow, I'll be there." They both got up and left.

As Meredith arrived at the house after dropping off Cristina at her apartment, Meredith saw an unexpected visitor waiting for her at the front door. She had avoided confronting him or in fact talking to him ever since he tried to make sure she was 'fine' in the locker room. She had broken up with him or she had made him break up with her, she didn't know, but she was sure they were over and she was miserable because of it. She was sure that there wouldn't be another chance to fix this after Cristina ran away from her wedding. She didn't say a word as she approached the door looking at him.  
"You left without me. And now you're not talking to me. I was a jerk. Sometimes boyfriends or husbands can be jerks. Doesn't mean you stop talking to them. You get that I'm saying I'm sorry right?" Derek asked her after she had walked right past him.  
"I yelled, You yelled, I told you I wasn't ready to introduce my father's family to you, you insisted and you yelled and you walked away, and when I come to talk to you I find a woman on your bed and now you show up here." Meredith told him angry as she unlooked the front door.  
"Of course I showed up. Why wouldn't I? You don't trust me?" he asked her. He was dreading the answer.  
"I don't and I know what I saw." Meredith said reflecting on everything that had happened. She had seen a woman sitting on his bed at the trailer as he stood in front of her wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist.  
"Ok well this is how it works. You fight sometimes, and somebody apologizes." Derek told her determined to discuss what Meredith had witnessed. She needed to know that he loved her.  
"Well how am I supposed to know that?" Meredith wondered. She had never been in a committed relationship and had never been in a fight with anyone except her mother because she had always been running from her problems.  
"You've never done this before?" Derek wondered, grabbing her arm to hold on to her.  
"No, I've never done this before." Meredith confirmed as she turned around to face him.  
"Hmm. Ok, all right. Well this is…" Derek tried to start off their conversation, but he was interrupted by Meredith "No Derek, just shut up for a second. I need to get this of my chest. I'm sorry if you feel like I'm running, if you feel like I'm leaving you, but I'm not used to getting good things. Having good things, it's what scares me because they can be taken away and there you are all dreamy and gorgeous, doing all the right things, saying all the right things, it's scary. You say all those right things and then you cheat on me."

"Meredith, Nancy ..." Derek tried to explain, but Meredith was determined to say what she had to say first.  
"Derek, don't, let me finish. I love you. I'm not afraid to admit that I love you, but admitting that I love you - it's scary because I'm afraid to lose you. I love you... in a really, really big ... pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window...unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. I'm afraid that I won't be able to forget you if you move on, that it's going to crush me the way my mother crushed me, the way my father crushed me, but I went back to the dock, I went back and I wanted to come back. We had a fight and when I come to talk to you I find you in bed with 'Nancy'. You moved on and come back telling me that you love me. It's so confusing."  
It wasn't until then that Derek finally had the opportunity to explain to her who Nancy is. "Nancy is my sister, Meredith. She came over because mom told her to. She surprised me when I got out of the shower."  
"Nancy is your sister? Why didn't you tell me at the trailer? Or in the locker room? It would have been so easy. You're an idiot, Derek Shepherd, an idiot. I almost flunked my intern exam because I thought you were cheating on me, I am an idiot. I wanted to leave because I thought you were cheating on me and I couldn't cope with that" Meredith said in disbelief. "So you haven't been cheating on me? You're not leaving me?"  
Derek sensed Meredith's relief "I'm not going to leave you, I'm not ever going to leave you. From now on, you can expect that I'm going to show up. Even if I yell. Even if you yell. I'm always going to show up, okay?" he told her.  
"I have a thing for ferryboats. You know that, right? Meredith cried as all the pressure of the past days fell off and the realization hits her that her dead mother had loved her all those years. She cried and was happier than she had been in years at the same time. "But we need baby steps, we have to get to know each other, go on dates, don't hide in on call rooms, we have to talk, I have to meet your family and you have to meet mine."

"Meredith, calm down. Calm down, you are the love of my life, I'm happy to go out to dinner with you, we can take a million baby steps, as long as we take them together, you can allow yourself to be happy. I miss my dad everyday and there's not one day I'm not thinking of him. But I can't allow myself to be angry about this forever. You can be all dark and twisty, it's not going to change a thing, I'm going to be there as much as I can for as long as I can. You shouldn't ever be afraid of being happy because you deserve to be happy. Today, tomorrow and every day for the rest of your life" Derek told her as she hugged her tight and held her close to her.

As he got down on one knee Derek looked into her eyes and took her left hand into his hands. "Meredith I'm here and I want to be your husband and wake up next to you every day for the rest of our lives. I want to have children with you. I want to die 110 years old lying in your arms. I want a lifetime. I know we didn't do this properly the last time, but I'm going to ask you anyway. Do you want to be my wife?"  
"I do." Meredith nodded "I do. I do want to be with you."  
"In that case, I think you might want to get your ring back" Derek said as he put the ring she had thrown into the forest back onto her finger.  
"You found me" she smiled. "I ran and you found me"  
"I did" He said as he kissed her.


	31. Hold On To The Night

_I'll try to update this at least once a week... _

* * *

**Chapter 31 Hold On To The Night**

"I don't wanna go, Derek. I don't want to get up and be without you." Meredith told him seconds after she woke up the next morning and found her husband lying next to her. She rolled over to be closer to him.  
"I guess you have to, you told Christina you'd be there, so be there." Derek told her. Meredith wondered why he was pushing her to go. She had expected him to ask her to stay, but he seemed determined.  
"Maybe she wants to go snorkeling by herself. I really hope she wants to go snorkeling by herself. But I have to grab a few pieces now, pack a suitcase and pick up Cristina. Drive to the airport, talk her out of transferring, come up with a reasonable explanation why I don't want to transfer anymore." Meredith said.  
"A transfer? She wants to leave? You wanted to leave?" Derek wondered.  
"We were, I mean, I thought you cheated on me, I never wanted to see you again. I suggested it. I could have used my mom's name to get in everywhere. I mean she died, it would have been credible if I said that I don't want to work in the city she died in." Meredith explained  
"So I you wanted to run again?" Derek said in shock.  
"No, no, it's different now. I'm not going to leave you or Seattle, I'm going to come back, o running, but I need to fix Cristina. I'd love to stay with you, but she needs this." Meredith reassured him.  
"I'd be happy to give you a reason to stay" Derek said seductively while kissing her neck.  
"Hmmm" Meredith mumbled as she enjoyed what her husband did with kiss lips "I love you Derek, but I have to go. Wait for me."  
"I will, Meredith." Derek smiled.  
"I'll be back in ten days, all whole and healed. Baby steps, remember, baby steps." Meredith said with a determined look on his face.  
"Baby steps" Derek nodded.  
"Nr. 1: Breathing for myself" Meredith said. She had been drowning, she needed to learn how to breath for herself, how to fight for her own happiness, how to be by herself and it was probably best to figure this out away from Derek. She was almost there.  
"I love you, Meredith" he said as she finished packing her suitcase. They exchanged a few kisses before Meredith left the house.

Meredith came back from the honeymoon ten days later. It had been nice, but she had realized that she wanted to be with Derek after two days and regretted not bringing her phone. The 'no phone' rule sucked, but Cristina had insisted on it. Cristina pretended to be happy, they went snorkeling, they swam in the ocean, they drank coconut cocktails, had tequila shots, but they never talked about what happened. Cristina talked about ways to cut off a man's penis or about which speciality she was going to pick now, but she never talked about her feelings and Meredith knew it wasn't healthy. Meredith knew that Cristina engaged in the behavior she would normally engage in herself. After dropping off Cristina at her apartment Meredith decided to drive to Derek's trailer. It was early in the morning and she thought he might still be there.

Derek was surprised to see her when he found her on his porch "What are you doing here? I could have picked you up at the airport"  
"No, you couldn't. Cristina is too fragile and I still haven't told her that we are back together. I missed you. I wanted to see you. Look into your eyes, talk to you" she said looking at him with a huge smile.  
"Meredith" Derek interrupted her, but Meredith insisted on explaining the situation to him. "Please Derek, let me explain. I really want to tell her, but she's miserable. She pretends to be"  
"Fine" he said.  
"Yeah, fine, but she isn't. She can't be around happy people right now, so I really have to pretend to be dark and twisty. She needs dark and twisty right now." Meredith said with a little smile on her face. She knew he had every right to be mad at her for concealing her relationship status from her best friend.  
"Meredith, Burke handed in his letter of resignation and asked me to tell her." He said in a calm voice as he went inside to grab a bottle of beer from the fridge.  
"Shit" Meredith acknowledged what he just said.  
"Yeah" he nodded as he opened the bottle.  
"I missed you and I hope you are not on call tonight" Meredith told him as she sat down on his lap.  
"I like what you are implying." He said with a smile on his face.  
"I'm not implying anything. I was talking about dinner, going out on a date, talking, getting to know each other, talk about what we did these past ten days – and maybe, if you behave yourself you get to kiss me at the end of our date." Meredith smirked and got up.  
"You are a tease" Derek said.  
"and you are horny" Meredith added.  
"I missed you" Derek kissed Meredith and tried to get underneath her shirt wrapping his arms around her.  
"so did I. But I really have to go to the house and do my laundry now." Meredith said as she tried to wriggle herself out of his grip.  
"I could help you. You'd be faster." He offered.  
"No, 'cause you have to go to work" Meredith said. "The hospital. Saving people, remember."  
"I don't have any surgeries until noon, I'm happy to spend another 30 minutes with my beautiful wife." Derek told her as she walked towards her car. "You can drop me off at the hospital and I ask Mark to drive me up here after work."  
"Alright, so what are you going to do today?" Meredith wanted to find out.  
"You really want to talk about work?" Derek wondered as he got into the car and sat down on the passenger seat.  
"I'm surgery deprived. I really need to cut or hear about people who cut. I might buy chicken breast and suture it in the kitchen." Meredith smirked.  
"I'm going to be stuck in the OR all day. Cervical Discectomy and Clipping an aneurysm. But I will be back before you know it." Derek smiled.  
"Do you think I can scrub in?"Meredith wondered and made bambi eyes to get her will. Driving down the road into the city she realized how much she missed the smell of a sterilized OR.  
"I think you are off for another week. I don't think Dr. Webber would appreciate to see you in an OR." Derek tried to reason her into staying away from the hospital.  
"Come on, I'm your wife and you haven't seen me for ten days" Meredith tried to persuade him.  
"Meredith, you can scrub in anytime Torres assigns you to my service, but you are meant to rest and you told me that you have laundry to do. I can't take you out for dinner if you don't have clean clothes." Derek told her. He would have loved to have her in the OR, but he knew he wasn't supposed to play favorite and if they wanted to keep their reconciliation a secret for a little bit longer.  
"I hate you, but I love you and pick me up at 7pm. I'm going to get a reservation somewhere and I expect to be spoiled by my husband tonight. So don't be late and go and save lives now." she told him as she dropped him off one block away from the hospital.

He had thought about her all day and the time in the OR had dragged on for longer than it usually did, so he was looking forward to seeing her again. "Hello, Dr. Shepherd" Meredith smiled when Derek picked her up at her house in the evening.  
"Dr. Grey, you look stunning tonight. It's a pleasure to see you." Derek smirked as he held the door to the passenger seat open for her.  
"Thank you. You don't look too bad yourself. But don't you think people are going to talk if they see you taking an intern to the best Italian restaurant after your wife made the reservation?" Meredith laughed as she closed the seat belt.  
"I think my wife is going to enjoy the evening and as far as I recall you are a resident now, Dr. Grey." Derek smirked. He had missed their flirting. He had missed the sparkle in her eyes when she looked at him.

"Good evening, Dr. Shepherd. May I take you to your table." The waitress greeted the couple after they had waited for two minutes at the restaurant entrance.  
"This is a great place" Derek said as they sat down at the table.  
"It is, one of the best in Seattle. My mom took me here once when she came in for a consult. I had the cannelloni and a tiramisu for dessert. She felt slightly guilty because she had brought me here on my 16th birthday. Maybe she was afraid I would trash the house if she had left me at home." Meredith laughed. She wanted to share these small details with him, she wanted him to know about her past, about all the things she had experienced.  
"You were a little rebel?" Derek asked with a smile on his face.  
"Black clothes, pink hair, had the whole angry teen theme going for me." Meredith laughed. She remembered all the teenage anger and how much she had enjoyed running around in those clothes because she knew how much it bothered her mother that she was dying her hair and wearing black clothes.  
"I would love to see photos." Derek said amazed.  
"I made sure that there are none. I successfully destroyed all evidence." Meredith admitted.  
"What about year books?" Derek wondered. He remembered how he looked in those year book pictures, he wanted to forget about those years, but Mark made sure he never would.  
"I didn't go in on picture day" Meredith admitted  
"You skipped classes?" Derek wondered again. But skipping classes and being a rebel went hand in hand after all.  
"Like I said, I worked the whole angry teen theme to the fullest. My mom never read what I gave her to sign, so she signed a note that I was sick and I was excused. " Meredith told him.  
"Alright, so you liked the thrill of getting caught" Derek smirked. "You still like the thrill of getting caught."  
"I never got caught. I just didn't like junior science classes. Or any junior classes." Meredith explained to him with a smile on her face.  
"How did you get into an Ivy League school?" Derek wondered. Skipping school wasn't a requirement at any Ivy league college.  
"I'm smart" Meredith said. She knew this wasn't the only reason. People knew her mother and people were intimidated by her mother. She had a 4.0 GPA at one of Boston's most prestige prep schools and she had volunteered at the Mass Gen.  
"Among other things." Derek said in amazement. Meredith was incredible. Her personality was captivating.  
"What is this supposed to mean?" Meredith wondered.  
"You are so many things, and you don't even realize most of them." Derek smirked  
"What do you mean?" Meredith asked.  
"You are amazing. If there's a crisis, you don't freeze, you move forward. You let the other move forward. You have seen worse and you survived it. You said you are all dark and twisty, but it's not a flaw. It's a strength. It makes you who you are. You have this incredible determination, a drive, a determination. You could do anything you want, you can achieve any goal." Derek said. Meredith was surprised because no one had ever told her that she was amazing the way she was.  
"Derek, baby steps" she said with a little hesitation.  
"Meredith, it's true. You are the most incredible person I ever met. I'm not talking about your surgical skills, I'm talking about you, as a person, your potential." Derek told her as he held her hands.  
"Derek, this is not a baby step." Meredith reminded him. The second she said it, she felt regret. She didn't want baby steps, she wanted to be with him, with the man she was married to, the man who told her all those beautiful things.  
"Alright, take a compliment. You look beautiful tonight and I really hope we get an opportunity to go on another date." Derek said to appease her. He knew he had just dived into the pool instead of checking the water with one of his feet first. Little did he know that Meredith had just realized that diving was what she wanted to do.  
"But pizza and a movie in the living room will do too; I guess I will be too tired once I'm back to work" Meredith told him. She wanted to spend time with him and it didn't really matter where they went or what they did. She loved to spend time with him.  
"I can come over to your house after work any time." Derek said with a smile on his face  
"Or you could just come home and grab a pizza on your way home from work." Meredith smiled.  
"You want us to meet at the trailer?" Derek wondered.  
Boys, Meredith thought and laughed. "No, I want you to move in with me, idiot."  
"Moving in is not a baby step." Derek reminded her of what she had told him a few minutes ago.  
Meredith had figured out a way to make it work. To make it a baby step. "I know. But I thought about it while I was in Hawaii. We are married and Callie and George are moving out, so there's plenty of space in George's room for your stuff and lots of space in my bed for you."  
"You are using me for rent and utilities." Derek asked and pretended to be slightly offended.  
"No, but the house was too crowded before and now it isn't. I want to live with you because that's what married people do. You can sleep in George's room if we fight and you can sleep in my bed if you are being a good boy." Meredith explained.  
"I can be very good" Derek said flirtatiously.  
"I know Derek, that's why I love you." Meredith laughed.

"Remember, don't mention this to anyone at the hospital. Cristina isn't supposed to find out yet and the more people know at the hospital, the likelier it is for her to find out." Meredith told him in the car.  
"What about Izzie and Alex?" Derek asked. They were going to stay at Meredith's house tonight and there was a realistic possibility that one of her roommates could find out that they were seeing each other again.  
Meredith was well aware of the problem, but she knew that neither of them was going to be at the house for a few day. "I'll tell them before we are back at work. We can stay at the trailer for a few days until then. I can catch up on my reading and you can go fishing in the morning"


	32. Caught up in You

_I don't know what I'm going to do with this fic after 11x21. At the minute it's just way too painful to write about MerDer as a happy couple, so I'm going to post the chapters I already finished almost completely. I'm just shocked and in total denial that this is happening in the real series universe and I can't possibly think of storylines that involve Derek right now. I just hate to see children grow up without their dad and a wife suffer through such a tragedic loss. _

* * *

**Chapter 32 Caught up in You**

"I missed this, I missed the two of us." Meredith told Derek. She cradled him for a little while and kissed him.  
"So did I, watching you sleep peacefully, lying next to you, listening to your loud snoring" Derek said with a soft voice and his McDreamy smile on his face.  
"I don't snore." Meredith said offended. Nobody had ever told her that she was snoring.  
"Yes you do" Derek repeated "A forest, every night. I thought it was because you were drunk when you snored in Vegas, but now I'm pretty sure that you always do it."  
"Whatever" Meredith shrugged defensibly.  
"I love you" Derek told her.  
"I love you too" Meredith smiled and laughed.  
"How was Hawaii?" Derek asked. Meredith hadn't shared any details with him except that Cristina was still a mess.  
"Not as nice as Seattle. Because you weren't there." She said while pressing her lower lip up a little bit.  
"Seriously?" Derek smirked.  
"Seriously. I learned being cocky from the best." Meredith laughed.  
"Who would that be?"Derek whispered into her ear  
"You" Meredith said and got up from the bed.  
"I'm not cocky" he said.  
"and I'm not snoring" Meredith added and both began to laugh.

They looked at each other for a while. She looked into his eyes and then her view shifted to his cheek bones before trailing to his mouth. "It's a nice thought. I mean, having something like this every morning. Waking up next to you, looking in your eyes. It's all I want to do for the rest of my life." he said.  
"The people at the hospital won't like this after all you are one of the best neurosurgeons of the country and we would run out of money because you don't get paid for staying in bed all day."Meredith laughed.  
"They should because we are both very good at it." Derek suggested wrapping his arms around her body. "Wanna come to the hospital with me?"  
"You wouldn't let me scrub in yesterday. What made you change your mind?" Meredith wondered.  
"I wasn't talking about scrubbing in, Meredith. You can change into scrubs, sneak into the gallery and watch my decompressive laminectomy and maybe we can do something else after dinner." Derek smirked.  
"I would love to do that." Meredith answered. She was glad he suggested it, but she had to remind him that they were still in hiding. "You know, we can't be husband and wife at the hospital, nobody can know about this until I told Cristina."  
"But this is a brilliant opportunity for a resident to watch a laminectomy. Isn't it?" Derek wondered while pouring two cups of coffee.

Derek dropped her off one block before the hospital so nobody could see them arriving together. She knew she wasn't supposed to be in, so she sneaked into the residents lounge and changed into her scrubs so nobody would notice her in the gallery. Except for two 5th year residents who took notes on the procedure the gallery was empty. When the two realized that it wasn't Dr. Montgemery's OR the two left, so she was alone. She watched Derek remove the lamina, the ligamentum flavum and the facet joints in order to eliminate the pressure which they exert on the nerve roots. It killed her to be stuck in the gallery while some fourth year resident got to scrub in on the procedure.  
"What are you doing here, Grey?" a familiar voice asked her. She turned around and saw Dr. Sloan standing in the door.  
"Watching a decompressive laminectomy" Meredith said in a professional tone.  
"and your ex husband? Missing him yet?" Dr. Sloan wondered.  
"And my husband. I'm not missing Derek" Meredith said in a less professional tone. It was true she did not miss Derek, after all she had been with him this morning and she right now got to watch him perform in the OR.  
"You two are back together?" Dr. Sloan kept asking her. She knew that he wasn't too bad at reading her body language. Ever since the weekend in Vegas they had had weird and inappropriate conversations in the OR and it was Mark who had calmed her down a little bit after flunking her first intern exam.  
"Derek hasn't talked to you?" Meredith wondered. She had been away for a week and she had assumed that Derek had told Mark about their reconciliation.  
"No, he hasn't. Not for the last few days anyway." Mark admitted.  
"Talk to him. What are you doing here anyway? This isn't remotely your department. You wouldn't be interested in observing a procedure like this." Meredith suggested. She knew that she wasn't the person to discuss this with Mark.  
"I saw you, people in the hospital talk, we all heard the rumors and Derek isn't talking to me, he has been working almost 24/7 since the wedding, yesterday was the first day he left the hospital and today you show up here, so I thought I might ask you." Dr. Sloan explained.  
"Talk to Derek. I'm not going to tell you anything about our marriage. What Dr. Shepherd and I are doing or not doing outside this hospital is none of your business." Meredith suggested.  
"So the two of you made up and are having sex. I see your smile and I know it. Chicks smile like this if they are having sex." Dr. Sloan laughed.  
Meredith rolled her eyes. She knew she might as well tell him, but told him "Dr. Sloan, you might want to interrogate Dr. Shepherd about this after the surgery. But I want to see how he removes the roofs from the nerve roots at the lateral recess right now, so get out."  
"Stop talking neuro to me." Mark asked her. Neuro was something most surgeons had no interest in and Meredith knew that Mark was one of them.  
"It's done to provide room for free movement." She continued and hope that he would go back to his work.  
"Stop, Grey." He asked her again.  
"I'll stop if you leave." She said and smiled because she knew she had won this time.

Derek was finished and Meredith left the gallery to meet Derek in the scrub room. As she was on the way to scrub room someone interrupted her. "Dr. Grey, you are wearing scrubs, I didn't expect you to be back until next week." The Chief said.  
Meredith turned around and made up something to cover the way she had found out about the procedure and she covered her left hand with her right to not draw attention to the fact that she was still wearing her wedding ring. "I wanted to watch Dr. Shepherd's decompressive laminectomy. A nurse paged me." The Chief nodded as Meredith continued to explain. "I haven't seen this procedure yet. Dr. Nelson never performed this procedure and the last time Dr. Shepherd performed it I was assigned to Dr. Burke's service and was in the OR myself. I thought it would be a good opportunity. I kind of miss the hospital."  
The Chief nodded again, but told her "Dr. Grey, I have to ask you to go home, you are on leave until next week. You are supposed to relax. But I'm glad that you can set your personal differences with Dr. Shepherd aside and focus on the surgical training. I don't want to see you here until next week."  
She nodded and told him "See you next week, Dr. Webber".

Meredith left the hospital and went back to her house. It was too risky to give a note for Derek to one of the nurses and it was too risky to stick around the surgical floor to wait for him as Chief Webber probably would have caught her a second time. The house was empty. She wasn't used to being alone in it.  
"Where were you? I missed you after the surgery." Derek told her when he showed up at her doorsteps after his shift.  
"Webber kicked me out, told me I'm not supposed to come in until next week so I went home. Did Dr. Sloan talk to you?" Meredith told him.  
"No. Why?" Derek wondered.  
"He saw me in the gallery and asked questions about us. I think he knows. You didn't tell him." Meredith explained.  
"You haven't told Cristina" Derek reminded her.  
"Mark isn't vulnerable and hurt. You could have told him." Meredith laughed.  
"You asked me not to tell anyone and I didn't." Derek explained to her.  
Meredith rolled her eyes. She knew she had told him to be secretive, but she had not thought that he would keep this from his best friend. "You could have told him, he's your best friend. You can tell him that we are still married, that you are moving in, that we are fine."  
"I will, Mer, in time." Derek said and kissed her on the forehead. "I'm going to tell him once you told Cristina. If you want to be sneaky around the hospital, we should keep this to ourselves."  
"I just hope we are better than last time." Meredith giggled. She remembered the time the Chief walked in on them.

Derek prepared dinner and Meredith watched. She couldn't help but be amazed. Her husband looked like he had been cooking all her life. He chopped the vegetables in a matter of minutes, prepared a steak that was on rare like she loved to eat it and he looked very good while doing it. She had just finished her dinner when he asked her what he was supposed to do about Burke.  
"Do you want me to tell you how to tell Cristina that Burke told you to tell her that he won't come back?" Meredith wondered.  
"Yes" Derek nodded.  
"Well, honesty works best. Rip off the band aid. Just tell her." Meredith replied.  
"What about her being fragile, vulnerable and broken?" Derek laughed. He knew his wife was very protective when it came to her friends.  
"I can take care of that, you on the other hand are under the obligation to tell her."Meredith told him. She knew the news were going to be devastating for Cristina, but she would inevitably find out anyway. In addition it was clear that she couldn't tell Cristina about her reconciliation with Derek before Cristina knew about Burke.  
"You want to tell her about us." Derek smiled.  
"Yes, I want to tell her, but I can't because" Meredith tried to explain.  
"she's too fragile." Derek cut in because he knew the answer.  
"and I like our secret thing. Takes us back to the start." Meredith laughed.  
"So you want to go back to make outs in supply closets. I like supply closets." Derek joked as he leaned in for a kiss.  
Meredith laughed. "Why don't we take your office or an on call room instead? You can lock those."  
"I liked supply closet sex better." Derek told her and started kissing her neck.  
"I'll have interns to take care of when I'm at work, I can't have sex in places where they can walk in." Meredith objected.  
"I'm glad they can't walk in on us here" Derek smirked and started to kiss her passionately.

"That was good" Meredith smiled. She and Derek laid on the living room floor naked. It was one of the few occasions they had to take advantage of. It was a rare event that nobody except them was in the house.  
"It really was" Derek agreed.  
"I really need to give you something." Meredith said as she got up and gave him a little package that had been sitting on the living room table.  
"It's a key" Derek stated after unwrapping it.  
"Yes, it's your key. We talked about this yesterday. I wasn't kidding. I want you near me. I need you near me." Meredith said and looked into his face to figure out his reaction.  
"I wasn't sure if you were serious. Baby steps. Remember?" Derek wondered. He was glad, but he was also confused.  
"It is a baby step if you are moving into George's room." Meredith elaborated  
"So you want me to move in with you." Derek stated with a little hesitation.  
Meredith sensed Derek's confusion and tried to calm him down "Yes, I want you to live in the same house as I do. It's what husband and wife are supposed to do." Hawaii had given her an opportunity to think about their relationship a lot. It would cut down on travelling time and she wouldn't have to plan ahead. Meredith got more nervous by the second. Derek still hadn't told her if he wanted to move in and he was still staring at the key. "Derek, do you want to move in?"  
"No need to ever ask me twice, Meredith, I move in once we go out of hiding at the hospital. You tell Cristina, I move in. I'm so caught up in you, I don't want to live without you" Derek said after thinking about the situation for a few minutes.


	33. Just Like A Pill

_Day 2 after Derek... and I'm still incredible mad about the awful story telling and all the inconsistencies in the last 4 episodes... I just hope it's going to pass over time...  
this is still one of the chapters I wrote before all of this happened, so I hope you enjoy... thank you for all the reviews_

* * *

**Chapter 33 Just Like A Pill**

Four days later Derek woke up at his trailer. Ever since Meredith returned from Cristina's honeymoon he had done nothing but working and spending time with her. They hid out at the trailer because Alex and Izzie were going to return to the house today. He turned around and was surprised to find the other side of the bed empty. When he looked around he saw that Meredith had started to get dressed. "Where are you going?" he wondered.  
"The hospital" Meredith told him with a smile on her face. Her hair was tied to a ponytail and she was wearing the blouse she wore the day before.  
Derek was surprised to hear that Meredith was leaving him to go to the hospital. It was one of her last days off and he had hoped to spend most of it with her. "You're a junkie. I thought Webber banned you from the hospital until the day after tomorrow."  
"I have an appointment with Dr. Wyatt today. At the hospital. He can ban me from the gallery, but he can't ban me from going to therapy." Meredith explained as she buttoned her blouse.  
"Want a lift?" Derek wondered.  
"Derek, we can't be seen together, remember, big fight, breaking up, cheating bastard and I have an appointment in twenty minutes… you won't make it on time." Meredith reminded him.  
"I'd prefer if people knew the truth." Derek admitted. It had bothered him to hear all kinds of rumors about their break up. He was the bad guy in most of the cases.  
"They will, but I have to go now. Mission whole and healed." Meredith giggled.  
"I love you, Meredith." Derek said as he kissed her one last time.  
"I love you, Derek" Meredith told him and waved goodbye while she walked to her car which was parked a few feet away from the trailer.

* * *

"Hello Meredith" the therapist greeted her warmly. Meredith closed the door and walked to the couch.  
"Hello Dr. Wyatt" she said after taking off her coat. It felt good to be back. She was ready to talk about her issues. As her relationship had improved immensely over the course of the past three weeks she felt ready to talk about it in a way that wasn't fearful, but optimistic.  
"How was your time off?" Dr. Wyatt started the conversation.  
"Not too bad, I passed my intern test, I thought my husband cheated on me, but he didn't, we got in a huge fight over it, but it's fine now, we talked and we are kind of great again and my best friend didn't get married, because first she freaked out, than he freaked out, anyway, it didn't happen so I went on her honeymoon with her and spend a week in Hawaii snorkeling without my husband. Next week I'm going to start the 2nd year of my residency and I have interns to take care of, so I'm kind of nervous about that and my sister is one of them." Meredith started to stammer.  
"What happened at the wedding?" Dr. Wyatt asked when Meredith finally paused to breath.  
"You don't know? Half the hospital was there, I would have assumed the news have reached you by now." Meredith wondered.  
"I don't like gossip because people like to add details." Dr. Wyatt constituted.  
"Alright, Dr. Yang and Dr. Burke didn't get married. She freaked out because she didn't really want to get married like this, you know with all the people, and the puffy white dress, the bridesmaids and the flowers, she wanted something small like going to city hall. Anyway, Burke got mad because it took her so long to get ready, so he told her he was wrong to ask her to do this because she obviously didn't want to get married. He left. Left Seattle actually. And asked Derek to tell her." Meredith explained calmly.  
"What do you think about it?"Dr. Wyatt asked.  
Meredith wasn't sure what Dr. Wyatt meant and decided she was asking about Burke's request to let Derek tell Cristina. "He's a coward. He should have talked to her himself."  
"And what do you think about the wedding?" Dr. Wyatt asked.  
Meredith took a deep breath and tried to figure out how she felt. "It's good that she didn't get married. Right now she's devastated, she isn't quite herself at the minute, but with the pregnancy thing and the wedding she wasn't ready anyway. He wanted to make things right after the pregnancy. She's married to the hospital. Marriage isn't for her."  
"Is it for you?" Dr. Wyatt interrupted her.  
"I enjoy waking up next to him and I missed him a lot when I was in Hawaii with Cristina." Meredith admitted with a huge smile on her face.  
"You didn't answer the question." Dr. Wyatt interjected.  
"It grows on me" Meredith finally addressed the question.  
"What does this mean?" Dr. Wyatt wondered. She had never seen Meredith Grey as happy and as settled as today.  
"It was scary, but now it's not. I love my husband and I'm happy because he loves me too. I had a revelation. Cristina and I went down to the docks after the wedding. We just sat there and looked at the water and the ferryboats and all of a sudden I knew that I wanted to be with Derek. At that point I still thought he had cheated on me, but I didn't care because I wanted to be with him. I hated myself for it because I knew that I exposed myself to the possibility of getting hurt. When I found out that the girl he had been with was his sister, I was relieved. I feel like we have a connection. It sucks that I can't tell Cristina because she's miserable and that makes me sad. I wanted to tell her so badly when we were on holidays." Meredith started to elaborate on her feelings about Derek.  
"Why can't you tell her?" her therapist wondered.  
"Because Derek and I made up the evening of the wedding, before we went on her honeymoon and I haven't told her for a week, so now it's too late and with the Burke news still ahead, she needs someone, and I can't be that someone if I'm happy." Meredith said. She noticed the confused look on her therapist's face and knew that this topic would probably come up again. She knew it didn't make sense to pretend to be miserable just because her friend was miserable at the moment. "I know how messed up this sounds."

"How are things going with your family?" Dr. Wyatt asked.  
Meredith smiled for a second and remembered Susan's phone call. "I talked to Susan yesterday. She called and asked me to watch out for my sister next week. Lexie is starting her internship here."  
"Are you comfortable with this?" Dr. Wyatt wondered.  
"Doing Susan a favor. Yes! But looking out for my sister? It feels weird because I don't really see her as my sister. She's my biological father's other daughter, but she's not my sister." Meredith tried to explain their relationship.  
"Are you going to look out for her?" Dr. Wyatt asked with a concerned look on her face.  
"I am. I promised Susan" Meredith said.  
"So you have a good relationship with your father's new wife."Dr. Wyatt summarized. It seemed to her that the only person Meredith was not related to biologically was the only one she had been able to connect to emotionally.  
"Yes, sort of, she's nice. The caring type. Nothing like my mother." Meredith admitted.  
"So you are going to look after your sister because Susan asked you to?" Dr. Wyatt wondered.  
"Yes, I don't really know how to deal with Lexie. Every time I see her, I get mad and I know it's wrong. I don't want to care about her, but I do. I know I shouldn't be mad at her, I am. I try to be civil, but it's hard." Meredith finally admitted to her feelings.

* * *

The day had dragged on for too long when Derek sat down in the cafeteria with a salad and a cup of coffee. Mark sat down next to him "How are things with runaway wife?"  
Derek wasn't happy as he had promised Meredith to be secretive about their reconciliation until she had told Cristina "Hello Mark, good to see you, how are you?"  
"You're not going to talk to me about it, are you?" Mark laughed. He knew when Derek tried to avoid a topic.  
"I can't" Derek told him truthfully with a little smile on his face.  
Mark Sloan knew what this meant in fact it was something all Shepherds did "You and Grey are totally doing each other. All the time" he said in an amused tone.  
"Mark, I'm not going to talk to you about me and Meredith" Derek tried to insist. "I want to, but I can't yet. Don't worry about me. Everything is going to be fine. How are things with Addison?"  
"I'm going to tell you when you tell me about you and Meredith" Mark tried to bargain.  
"I can wait. I'm patient." Derek smiled. "Mom is coming over next week. She wants to see how we are doing."  
"You and I or you and Meredith?" Mark wondered. Mrs Shepherd had practically raised him. He stayed over at their house a lot more often than he did at his own.  
"Mark. I'm not going to talk about this. She was concerned after Nancy came home and told her about the fight that Meredith and I were having."  
"You are really not going to tell me about you and Meredith" Mark said with a smile on his face.  
"No" Derek laughed. He knew that Mark was suspicious about their relationship.  
"Damn. You can't be serious. Last time I saw Grey she was admiring you in the OR gallery on her day off and that wasn't all about professional curiosity. Shep, I know how women look if they want you to do them on the OR table. I get this look all the time" Mark told his friend.  
"Mark, relax" Derek tried to appease his friend. He knew that there was no point in lying to him. "Meredith and me are back together. We talked after the wedding, she knows Nancy is my sister and we reconnect a lot. But don't tell anybody. I repeat ANYBODY. Meredith has this weird thing about not telling Yang because Yang is fragile right now and I don't want to get in the middle of it. Once she tells her I'm going to move in with her."  
"Seriously? You are moving into the frat house?" Mark asked. Everyone on the surgical floor knew about the special living arrangements there.  
"O'Malley and Torres moved out. It's less crowded" Derek tried to explain.  
"and you are taking over their room?" Mark laughed.  
"I am and Meredith's bed room." Derek confirmed, got up and walked away.

* * *

"How was therapy?" Derek wondered when Meredith sat down next to him on the front porch. Derek was preparing dinner for them and had banned her from any cooking related activity, but she was happy to watch him.  
"Good, we talked, talked a lot, I talked a lot. About me, you, us, Lexie, Susan, Thatcher, Cristina, Burke, I talked a lot." She said and laughed about it. A few weeks ago she wouldn't have thought that she would ever be able to talk to a therapist as openly as she was doing now. "But we are getting somewhere."  
"Good" Derek said and kissed her.  
"How was your day?" Meredith wondered.  
"I missed my favorite resident." Derek smirked and continued to chop up an onion.  
"You are not going to see me a lot next week either. Remember?" Meredith reminded him. There were going to be no public signs of affection until she had told Cristina.  
"I wasn't talking about you" Derek joked and threw the vegetables into the frying pan.  
Meredith glared at him and told him "You're an ass". She tried to keep an angry face, but she had to smile when she looked into his eyes.  
"I love you and I love to get to see you at work, and maybe we can sneak off to an on call room once in a while." He whispered into her ear and pressed his body close to hers.  
"Secret reconciliation sex, uhm?" Meredith smiled.  
"I think I like secret reconciliation sex." Derek smirked.


	34. Back To Life

**Chapter 34 Back to Life**

It had been almost three weeks since the wedding when Meredith stepped into the hospital as a 2nd year resident. A lot had happened since she had been to work the last time: a honeymoon with her best friends, lots of reconciliation sex with her husband, Burke had left Seattle after handing in his resignation, George had transferred to Mercy West in order to save his marriage, Callie and he had moved out of the house, the Chief had announced to step down in order to save his marriage and there was going to be a new group of interns. When she entered the hospital she could sense that people were looking at her. The news of the break up had traveled around the hospital quickly. Most people thought he had cheated on her so most of the nurses looked at her with pity, but not as much pity as they expressed towards Cristina.

Meredith and Cristina decided to hide out in the deserted hallway to sort out all necessary paper work before contacting their interns. "I'm going to assign numbers. There's not too much point in learning their names. Most of them will be gone by the end of the year anyway and what's the point of wasting my genius o them" Cristina told Meredith as she looked over the list of interns that had been assigned to her.  
"Cristina, they might be idiots, but you still have to teach them." Meredith told her friend as they sat on a bench in the resident locker room. "And Lexie is one of your interns."  
"Alexandra Grey, yeah, that makes sense." Cristina said "Want me to assign her to Sloan? Cappuccino duty?"  
"Whatever you do, keep her away from Sloan. Even though he's dating Montgomery now, he's still a pig" Meredith laughed "You are alright, are you?" Cristina still seemed fragile even though she tried to make people believe she was tough and didn't care about what had happened, Meredith knew that the worst was yet to come. Burke had asked Derek to break the news to Cristina and Derek still had to tell her. Burke wouldn't return to Seattle Grace.  
"Don't worry about me, I'm fine." Cristina insisted as she got up "We better go and make sure our interns don't kill anyone."

* * *

Meredith wanted to be confident, but being a boss of someone was something she had never experienced. She felt a little insecure about how to handle them. Bailey's introduction last year had impressed her and she wanted to be respected, so she decided to take a similar approach. "I have five rules. Memorize them. Rule number one, don't bother sucking up, I already hate you. That's not gonna change." Meredith told them as they ran towards her once they saw her. She hoped that her interns would respect her, after all Alex had called her a nurse on her first day. She gave them a blank stare and nobody dared to speak up.  
They were supposed to give their interns a tour through the entire hospital so she decided to start at the patient rooms and the nurse's station as her interns would spend a considerable amount of time doing scut work and charts around here. As they reached the nurse's station she introduced them to rule number two. "Trauma protocols, phone lists, pagers. The nurses will page you. You answer every page at a run...a run. That's rule number two." Meredith started and the interns followed her immediately. The interns looked terrified and most of them probably didn't have a clue where they were after Meredith went to the CT and MRI rooms with them. "Your first shift starts now and lasts 36 hours. You're grunts, nobodies, the bottom of the surgical food chain. You run labs, you write orders, you work every second night until you drop, and you don't complain."

Rule number three was trickier. Her interns would soon find out about her supposedly failed marriage and Cristina's wedding, or they already knew about all of it. "On call rooms. Sleep when you can, where you can. You know, but not with anybody. Not attendings...especially not attendings. Sleeping with attendings...not a good idea. Where was I?" Meredith wondered.  
"Um, rule number three. If I'm sleeping, do not wake me unless a patient's actually dying." Cristina came approached her group. "The dying patient better not be dead when I get there, because not only will you have killed someone, you will have woken me for no good reason. Are we clear?"  
All interns looked around and saw Lexie's hand raised up "That was four rules. You said five." This had been the moment Bailey's pager had went off last year, Meredith and Cristina weren't so lucky. "Rule number five...when I move, you move." Cristina said staring at her pager. As it didn't go off they just stood there as she started to walk away "Go!" she ordered her interns.

* * *

Alex, Izzie, Cristina and Meredith met in the deserted hallway for lunch and all sat down on a gurney. "I hate them" Cristina mumbled while eating crisps.  
"You don't hate them. You hate everything. And they most likely hate you too" Meredith told Cristina.  
"That was hideous. I feel like a fraud." Izzie agreed.  
"I rocked it." Alex said confidently "I think I'm the new nazi."  
"You're not the new nazi." Cristina challenged him. Neither of them felt increasingly confident about their approach to handle the interns.  
"How was your vacation, Alex?" Izzie asked Alex "Cause mine was... I didn't do much. I hung out alone...for 17 days. Which is the last time that I saw you, the day of Cristina's wedding, which was...well...then Mer and Cristina went on Cristina's honeymoon without me and when I came back from Tacoma I was alone at the house because Meredith was MIA."  
"Girl-on-girl honeymoon." Alex said in a dirty voice.  
"Oh, why is everyone so tingly and hurt? I mean, I'm the one who was left at the altar. I'm fine, by the way. I honeymooned in Hawaii and I snorkeled." Cristina told the group. Meredith had seen her once since the return from Hawaii and she was still unsure about the way she would react after finding out that Burke had left the city.  
"I can't believe George is gone!" Izzie said in a sad tone. Even after the cheating episode they had been good friends and she missed George.  
"He's at Mercy West, he isn't dead." Meredith tried to cheer her up.  
While they were discussing what they were going to do after the lunch breaks all their interns entered the hallway. Meredith knew that they probably all came because she had told Lexie to come to their hide out during lunch break to talk, but the others didn't know about that. "Uh, hey, you want to know...hey, um, this is for residents only. No interns." Cristina told them and tried to order them around.  
Meredith nodded and made a hand gesture to suggest them to leave and Izzie and Alex joined in shouting "Yeah, get outta here." And "Babies."  
Lexie swallowed and told Meredith "I guess I should be going, too."  
"No, Lexie. we didn't mean you." Meredith tried to calm her down.  
"No, I'm an intern too." Lexie spat out and turned around.  
Meredith looked up and said "Crap. I promised Susan I would look after her." She hated the way their relationship had started off because now it looked like Meredith had tried to set Lexie up in a way the popular kids did in high school.  
"Mm-hmm. Have you seen Burke?" Cristina wondered.  
Meredith was uncomfortable. She knew that Burke had left and she knew that Derek meant to tell her today. "Have you seen Derek?" Meredith asked pretending to haven't seen him since the wedding.  
"No, why would I want to see your husband? Talk to someone who didn't leave his fiancée on her wedding day but waited until a while after the wedding to cheat?" Cristina said bitterly.  
"Wait, you haven't seen either of them since the wedding?" Izzie wondered.  
Cristina shook her head and said "Nope."  
Izzie was surprised because she knew Meredith was way too happy and emotionally stable for that to be true "And you're all fine?"  
"Yep. She's all fine" Meredith mumbled and rolled her eyes.  
"Wow...You're either incredibly healthy or completely messed up." Izzie concluded.

* * *

Meredith hurried to the neurosurgical wing after Derek had paged her. "I have a patient for you. Prep him for surgery" he asked her. She knew he had paged her to be able to see her and she knew all nurses were watching them from afar.  
"I'm pretty sure I just made my sister hate me" Meredith told Derek in a matter of fact tone. She kept her distance to make sure that nobody would find out before Cristina did. She wasn't wearing her wedding ring so as long as she didn't start to make out with Derek somewhere in the hospital she was going to be safe.  
"You said you didn't like her anyway. So why do you care?" Derek eyed her.  
"Susan asked me to look after her and I tried. I really wanted to talk to her, but then the interns showed up at our hideout and we told them to piss off because we needed a minute to ourselves and she disappeared too because she's an intern." Meredith started to ramble.  
"Dr. Grey, relax" Derek told her putting his two out stretched arms on her shoulders in an attempt to calm her down.  
"No Dr. Shepherd, Susan asked me to do this, I really have to do this for her" Meredith told him and turned around quickly.  
"Dr. Grey, it's only her first day. I'm sure you get to talk to her later." Derek let go off her and sat down at the nurse's station.  
Meredith followed him after preparing the patient. She leaned over the table. "Have you talked to Cristina yet?"  
"No" he said and got up.  
"Are you going to?" Meredith asked him. She needed to know because she thought Cristina deserved to find out from him instead of being told by a nurse. But the minute he wanted to say something, Meredith's pager went off and she raced to the ER, which was at the other side of the hospital.


	35. Everybody Needs Somebody

**Chapter 35 Everybody Needs Somebody**

Meredith arrived at the ER a few minutes later. She was short of breath and saw that she was the only one there except Torres. When Alex, Izzie and Cristina came in Callie shouted "Where have you been? We have multiple MVC'S due any second." Meredith wondered whether Callie was coping with the responsibility of the Chief resident position because it seemed to her that Callie was nervous and distracted.

"We're here, aren't we? We're here." Alex dismissed his superior's question.  
Callie didn't know how to respond. She wasn't used to this kind of disrespect and told them to get ready and monitor their interns while they all entered the bay.  
The interns blocked the ER doors and Bailey gave Meredith a blank look "Uh, Grey, don't let them just stand here."  
"Let's move, people." Meredith shouted.

The first ambulance arrived and Cristina jumped at it to make sure she gets a case, but was disappointed. "Unrestrained driver, DOA at the scene. Just need someone to pronounce him." The ambulance driver told them.  
"Oh,crap. Dead guy. Why'd you get me all excited with the sirens? Okay, who wants to see a dead guy?" Cristina told her interns as she turned around and said "Okay, everybody get a good look? Time of death...8:22."  
Suddenly the man started to breathe again and everybody turned around.  
"Not time of death. This guy is not dead." Cristina said enthusiastically. The ambulance driver was confused. "He was dead." He insisted.  
"Well, he's not dead now. Let's bag him. Okay, we've got a...we've got a guy who's risen from the dead over here." Cristina said as she pushed the gurney towards the entrance.  
Meredith saw that Lexie was blocking the ER doors so she shouted "Get out of the way, Lexie!" before another ambulance arrived.

The doors opened and Dr. Bailey and Meredith approached the patient. It was a pregnant woman huge belly. "Kathy Walters, 34 years old, 36 weeks pregnant. Complete upper arm amputation. Pressure dressings applied. Two large bore IVs started." The ambulance driver told them and the patient began to stress.  
She looked around in shock and wondered desperately "Did he say "arm"? My arm is gone?"  
Dr. Bailey took her hand and tried to calm her down "Miss Walters, you're gonna be okay. Grey, check the wound."  
Kathy insisted "I really need my arm."  
After taking a short look at the wound Meredith told one of her interns to page Sloan and Montgomery while they wheeled the woman into trauma room one. Addison had already started to examine the woman when Mark entered and wondered "What do you got for me?"  
Meredith was still unsure about how much Sloan knew about her and Derek, so she tried to sound as professional and emotionally unattached as possible. "Uh, Kathy Walters. Complete amputation."  
Addison had finished the exam and told the Meredith "The baby looks fine, but she's having some contractions. I'll tell the nurse what to put into her IV to stop them."  
Mark leaned over to the patient and asked her "Hey, Kathy. I'm Dr. Sloan. You mind if I take a look? Hang antibiotics and put on a sterile, moist dressing. There's a chance at a good recovery here. Do we have an arm?"  
"They're looking for it" Meredith told him. She knew there was a short window of opportunity and the sooner they would find the arm, the better the chances it could be reattached.  
Kathy looked at her in discomforted. She started to cry "My baby has no father. He's already down two arms. So he really needs me to have an arm.  
"Get me that arm." Mark shrugged as Meredith left the room to find it.

Meanwhile Lexie entered the other trauma room, where Cristina examined her patient. "Excuse me." Lexie apologized for being late and handed over the x rays she was supposed to get.  
"You know, where have you been? I've been waiting for these." Cristina told her harshly.  
"I got, um, lost on my way to x-ray 'cause I was all in my head, you know, about..." Lexie started to stammer.  
Cristina was amused. Little Grey reminded her of Meredith, who stammered just as much when she was nervous "Meredith... you're her sister?"  
Lexie nodded and smiled nervously "Meredith Grey. Lexie Grey. We're half sisters. So you know her?"  
Cristina didn't answer because the x ray picture were concerning "Oh, we need to page Dr. Shepherd."She had never seen anything like it.  
The interns looked at each other. Nobody had explained to them how to operate the pagers and which codes meant what. "Dr. Shepherd. He...he's the, um...neurosurgeon?" one of them wondered. Cristina got mad and shouted "Okay, somebody page Derek shepherd right freakin' now." Lexie left the room in order to take care of it.

Meredith had been on the phone with every level 1 trauma center in the area, but had not been lucky enough to locate the severed arm when Derek walked up to her. "Thank you. Seattle Grace. Thank you." He heard Meredith talking on the phone. He could tell that she was agitated because she looked up to the ceiling while talking at the phone.  
When she hung up, he greeted her. "Hi. How are you?" he wondered. He had not seen her since the night before because she had decided to stay at her place so her room mates wouldn't be too suspicious.  
"I have a patient with a severed arm and no one seems to be able to find it. Have you seen it?" she asked unsympathetically.  
"Your severed arm? No, I haven't seen a severed arm." Derek smirked and wondered why she was so negatory towards him.  
Lexie approached and tried to talk to her sister "Meredith, how...hey, um, I'm...I'm so sorry about before. I just was so nervous about working here and with you. Don't block the ER doors. I know that now. That was a good lesson."  
Derek remembered their interview and greeted his sister in law "Nice to see you again"  
Lexie turned around and looked at him. She couldn't quite wrap her head around why an attending would greet her like this "Sorry?"  
"You're Meredith's sister" Derek said.  
"Oh, my god. Yeah. Oh, my god. Yeah." Lexie remembered the interview and began to stammer. "You...call her Meredith."  
Derek smirked. "Yeah, I do. It's what husband's do"  
Meredith hated the fact that he had pointed that out to her in the hospital. "Yeah, Lexie, this is my wonderful husband. My wonderful husband, this is my half sister, whom you have met before. Found my arm, have to go now." She stormed away to notify Dr. Sloan.  
Lexie, who had met Meredith twice before today, was a little sad and surprised "Uh...she hates me. My sister hates me. You are her husband? I mean she told us she had a husband. And she never mentioned your name or your occupation. Hey, uh, you're Dr. Shepherd.  
Derek nodded "That's right.""  
"I'm...I'm supposed to be finding you for a consult." Lexie told him and brought him into the trauma room with Dr. Yang.

"Back of his skull is completely disconnected from his first cervical vertebrae." Derek looked at the xray in admiration. He hd never seen something like this.  
"He's been internally decapitated. Holy crap." Cristina said.  
"90% of these die in the field." Derek stated  
"And the other 10%?" Lexie who stood in the back with the other interns wondered.  
"I've never seen one live." Derek said.  
Lexie smiled hopefully "There's always a first time, though, right? I mean, he came back from the dead."  
Derek leaned over to the patient " Henry, I'm Dr. Shepherd. The back of your skull is disconnected from your spine. I'm going to try and reconnect it in surgery. Do you understand me? Blink once for yes, twice for no." The patient blinked. Derek used his calming voice to ease the fear "Okay, good. I know it's scary, but I promise you, I'm going to do everything I can. Do you have family? Alright. We're going to contact them, okay? All right, let's get him in a halo."  
"Uh-huh." Cristina said as they had left the room.  
"Contact his family. Find out if he's an organ donor." Derek told Cristina before he left.

After she had picked up the arm and brought it over to Dr. Sloan, Meredith went back to Kathy's room. "We have the arm, and Dr. Sloan is checking right now to see if we can reattach it. Is there someone we can call?" Meredith calmed her down.  
The woman was desperate "There's no...no, I just...I just moved here. I'm all...I'm all by myself. There's no one. I have no one."  
Meredith took her hand "Well, Dr. Sloan should be here any minute."  
"I wanted a kid and...I was sick of waiting for the right guy, so...in my family...in my family, you don't go out and get pregnant. So now I'm alone and...I'm having a baby, and I don't have a father for the baby, and I don't have an arm." Kathy cried in her arm.  
"It's okay. Here's Dr. Sloan." Meredith said when Mark came in. He looked optimistic and was clearly happy to tell the patient good news.  
"Kathy...I'm happy to report that your arm is in good shape. Dr. Grey here is gonna clean it up a little, and...and I'm gonna put that arm back where it belongs, okay?"

Meredith was cleaning up Kathy's arm in a preparation room when Cristina walked in and sat down next to her "Still no sign of Burke. Oh, you've got a severed arm."  
Meredith got defensive. Cristina had took over her surgeries before and while she was miserable, she didn't want it to happen "My arm. Mine. Get away from it."  
"Maybe he's not on today." Cristina wondered.  
"Maybe you should just see him and get it over with." Meredith said. She knew Burke wouldn't come back, but she couldn't tell Cristina because Burke had asked Derek to do it.  
"No, no, no, no. If I never see him again, I won't care." Cristina said. She couldn't face the possibility.  
"Well, I've seen Derek, and Derek has seen me." Meredith said with a smile on her face.  
Cristina looked at her and asked "And?"  
Meredith raised one of her eyebrows and pretended to be not fine. "Awkward. Don't you have a surgery to get to?"

Cristina caught up with Derek, who waited for the patient's chart at the nurse's station "I talked to the family they're on their way." She said when she arrived at the desk.  
"Good. I put an entire OR on hold. We don't have much time." He told her "Uh, do you maybe want to have a drink later?"  
"What?" Cristina shrugged. Why would her best friend's cheating husband have the audacity to ask her out for a drink?  
"A drink. Give me one reason why we can't hang out." Derek said calm.  
"I don't like you." Cristina said firm.  
"You don't like me because of Meredith?" Derek wondered.  
"I don't like you because you're you." Cristina answered and started to walk away.  
Derek knew it was best to play pretend to be able to keep talking to her, so he asked "Hmm. How is Meredith, by the way? Is she okay?"  
"She's fine." Cristina said and kept walking.  
"She's always fine. That's her problem." Derek shouted.  
Cristina turned around and walked towards him "We're fine people. We do fine. We're fine. How's Dr. Burke? I haven't seen him around. Is...is he off today?"  
Derek offered her to sit down and sat down on the opposite seat "Here. Dr. Burke handed in his letter of resignation two weeks ago. He wanted me to tell you."  
Cristina was taken by surprised. All her secret hopes of reconciliation were shattered. Burke had left. Burke had left and he hadn't even told her in person. "He's gone?  
"I'm sorry." Derek said and got back up.

Cristina felt all kinds of emotions at once when she got back to Meredith. She needed someone to talk to. Someone who knew personal problems and trauma better than she did "Oh, severed arm. Plus Mer's half sister is my intern, Izzie is playing Dr. Dolittle, oh, and I hate your husband"  
Meredith looked at Cristina. Absolutely nothing she had just heard made any sense to her. "Why?"  
"He told me that Burke left. I mean he walks up to me, asks me out for a drink, like freaking hell, why would I go out for a drink with him? And he tells me that Burke left." Cristina started to stammer.  
"Oh. And you're okay with it? You are not going to break down?" Meredith asked. She knew Cristina was on the verge of cracking.  
"I'm fine." Cristina said "But you seem awfully happy right now."  
"That's because I'm fine." Meredith said and tried to replicate Cristina's fake smile.  
"I wanna kill him right now" Cristina said aggressively.  
"Burke?" Meredith wondered "Might be difficult, he left"  
"No Shepherd, he just tells me he left, no sugar coating, nothing, and now he expects me to go into surgery with him" Cristina said.  
An intern interrupted them "Dr. Sloan's ready for the arm.  
Meredith grabbed the arm and got up, when Cristina grabbed her hand and begged her "Trade surgeries?"  
Meredith was hesitant. She didn't want to work with Derek until she would tell Cristina about everything. "Why?"  
"I don't want to be with Shepherd and you have a severed arm. Come on, he just told me that Burke is gone for good, I can't look at him right now." Cristina told her.  
"And you expect me to scrub in with him?" Meredith asked. Cristina didn't know that Meredith and Derek were back together, so it would be a huge thing to ask for.  
"You love neuro and you are not the one that got left at the altar" Cristina told her.  
"Yeah, and that fact is what got me into that mess in the first place." Meredith laughed.  
"Come on, you're my person" Cristina insisted.  
"Fine! Go!" Meredith gave in and looked at the chart.  
"His family is waiting in the hall. You should go and find them" Cristina told her before she left.

After studying the chart for a few minutes to familiarize herself with the case, Meredith walked over to the family, who said in the waiting area.  
"Your husband's injuries are s-severe. Uh, they're traumatic in the extreme." Meredith tried to explain.  
"I'm sorry. What does that mean?" the patient's wife wondered. She looked desperate and confused and Meredith knew it might be the best option to be completely honest.  
"The only thing holding his head on to his body is skin and muscle. If he moves even a fraction of an inch, it could kill him." She said and took a deep breath.  
The wife looked shocked. She bit her lip and started to stutter "So are you saying that the...  
" I'm...I'm saying that when you see him, this could be the last time...this could be the last time you see him alive." Meredith said in a calm determined tone before guiding the family into the room.

"Are you in pain, sweetie? Good. Two blinks...you aren't in pain." His wife asked as she leaned over her husband, who was lying in a hospital bed. She had two little kids with her, who looked scared at the sight of their father. "Why isn't daddy answering?" the little girl wondered. She was scared and Meredith took her hand.  
The wife took a deep breath and looked over to her children "Just...right now we just need to wish daddy good luck in his surgery and tell him how much we love him. Okay? Cause we do. I love you so much" She saw that her husband Henry had blinked three times and looked over at Dr. Shepherd and Meredith "What's...what's three blinks?" she wondered.  
"Uh, we've only been working with one and two." Derek told her.  
"It's I love you" Meredith said.  
"Is it "I love you"? Are you telling us you love us? Three blinks is I love you. We're gonna be fine, Henry. You're gonna make it, and we're all gonna be just fine." The wife said with teary eyes and a hopeful smile on her face.  
"It's time to go." Derek said as there wasn't too much time until the surgery was scheduled.  
"Okay, guys. Let's let these doctors fix daddy up." The wife told her children and the daughter walked over to the bed and blinked three times.

They started to scrub in for the procedure and it was the first time they were able to talk in private since Derek had told Cristina about Burke's departure.  
"You told Cristina." Meredith stated the fact.  
He nodded and said "I did" and wondered whether she told her about their reconciliation.  
Meredith grinned. "She wants to kill you at the minute. We traded surgeries because of it. I can't tell her now or she's going to kill me."  
Derek leaned over to her and whispered "I wouldn't want that." He kissed her neck and asked "So how are you?"  
"I'm fine and I'm kind of glad that we get to work together, Dr. Shepherd." Meredith said with a huge smile on her face. She knew she had to resist his flirtation "And I'm going to be as professional as I can possibly be. I'm professionally working with my half sister and my officially soon to be ex husband who is really just my husband."  
Derek noticed that she was stammering again and saw that Lexie entered the scrub room too. "This stammering thing. Your sister is doing it too. Must be genetic." He whispered in Meredith ear. "Shut up." Meredith said loudly and Lexie looked at the two of them in confusion.

Meredith taught Lexie how to prep the OR for a surgery and what Derek needed for his. She could have asked personal questions, but she limited the interaction to teaching. After they had finished the preparations Derek came in.  
"I'm starting the fusion now." He announced after picking up the scalpel.  
Lexie observed the patient's body. It was her first day and she got to scrub in with her sister and her brother in law. She was nervous and confused when she noticed a small movement. "Did he just move?" she asked concerned.  
Meredith turned her head to his body and noticed the small movements too and confirmed "Oh, he...he definitely moved."  
"The anesthesia's light. Grey, stabilize his neck." Derek ordered her. Meredith and Lexie exchanged a quick look because they didn't know whom he was talking to.  
"Okay, Lexie, come and grab his feet. Go under the drape and do not contaminate the sterile field." Meredith ordered her sister.  
"We need to keep him very still until he is under. We can't risk even the slightest movement." Derek reminded them.  
Meredith turned to the patient and hoped it would work. He couldn't leave his children, he couldn't die. "You cannot move. Do you hear me? This is not an option." She said loudly. She took his hand and continued "Everything is not gonna be fine if you move. It will be the opposite of fine. You cannot leave the people you love. They need you. Not just the memory that you love them. You can't leave them." She pated his hand and was glad when the anesthetics finally kicked in.

"You really meant what you said in that OR?" Derek asked Meredith after they had successfully completed the surgery. He looked a little bit concerned because of the way Meredith had begged the patient to stay with them.  
Meredith started to speak in a calm voice and focused a point at the other side of the room in order to avoid looking into Derek's eyes. "I did, he has kids. Look at them, beautiful kids. No kid should grow up without its dad. It's horrible. I did it, I mean he's still alive, but he wasn't around so he might have been dead all this time, it wouldn't have made a difference. The other woman who came in the next ambulance. She's having a baby, no dad and she lost her arm. Sloan is trying to reattach it. Makes you wonder if you ever want to have kids, death is all around us. I don't want our kids to grow up with only one parent."  
Derek's face lit up "Our kids? You want kids?"  
Meredith was taken by surprise. She was surprised about the fact that she had brought it up and about the way Derek reacted. All she could say was "Ugh..."  
Derek sensed her anxiety "I mean we never talked about this… "  
Meredith was afraid to discuss this because she had never thought about having kids. It was nothing she ever considered to have. "My mother was a horrible mother and I have crappy DNA. We won't talk about this, baby steps, remember?" Derek looked sad and Meredith knew she had been too harsh. They had to take one step after the other. "You can pack your stuff because I'll try to tell Cristina about us this week and you can move in on Friday. We'll see how this goes and we'll cross the baby bridge when we have to."  
Derek nodded and got back to the professional side of their relationship asking her "Do you want to talk to the family?  
Meredith nodded, turned around and said "I will."  
"Scrub into my other surgery in 15 minutes. You know, the one I asked you to scrub in this morning. It got pushed back, but now we have time for it" Derek told her as she left the room.


	36. Thanks For The Memories

**Chapter 36 Thanks For The Memories  
**

* * *

Five days later Meredith had told Alex and Izzie that Derek would move in and take over George's room and filled Izzie in on a lot of the details about what had happened after the wedding. They had both promised to stay quiet and not to mention it to anyone at the hospital. "You need to tell her. You guys are so obvious around the hospital. The only way you could be more obvious would be to do it in an OR with an open gallery during the procedure" Alex laughed after her request. "But Yang is not going to notice because she is doing all her intern's work on top of her own. I haven't seen her leaving the hospital ever since she's back" She had decided to tell Cristina today because Derek wanted to move in the next day and it was really the last opportunity to do it. For the past four days Meredith had done everything to make Cristina happy. She had given her surgeries she wanted, she had done her scut work and she had not lost a single word about Burke or Cardio until today.

They sat in front of their lockers when Meredith decided to tell Cristina some good news. "The new head of cardio arrived today, you must be thrilled." Meredith told Cristina, who sat in front of her locker and looked like a beaten puppy before she started to process what she had just heard. She hoped that her one true passion would cheer Cristina up and bring back that strong determined woman Meredith had learnt to love.  
Cristina looked up and asked "Do you know who it is?"  
"Yeah, Erika Hahn." Meredith told her. Derek had told her about her arrival the other day when they met for barbecue at his trailer in the woods. It seemed to Meredith that he was concerned about Cristina. She wasn't sure whether it was because he wanted her best friend to be fine or because he wanted to be with her and don't hide his feelings at work.  
"She used to work at Mercy West, didn't she?" Cristina wondered. They hardly ever got high class replacements from the same city, but this year they did. Hahn had performed the heart transplant on Denny after Izzie had cut the LVAD wire and Burke had been shot.  
"Yeah, think so. Derek said that she hates Burke. She only took the position because the Chief assured her that Burke would not return." Meredith said without really thinking about it. Cristina had not picked up on what Meredith had told her.  
"She hates Burke. I like her. How do you know those details?" Cristina wondered.  
"Derek and I talked about her." Meredith repeated without thinking about it.  
"Derek? You are doing McDreamy and you don't tell me? What's the matter with you?" Cristina screamed. She was mad and Meredith didn't really understand why.  
"Cristina, you were too fragile. In fact you are still too fragile. Just look at your reaction now. You drown yourself in work and you try to avoid talking about everything that happened in the last three months."Meredith tried to explain her intentions.  
"I am not fragile Meredith. Something bad happened. But I'm not you. I don't drown myself or whine about my crappy childhood and pretend to be the most miserable person on the planet. You judge me because you are all love gooey" Cristina dismissed her attempt to make things right.  
Meredith had never judged her, she had been concerned, so she tried to calm her down "I'm not judging you, Chris, I try to make you realize that you need to talk about this to someone."  
"No, Meredith, just because you go to a shrink doesn't mean I have to, I can deal with all of this myself. My focus is my career; your focus seems to be getting screwed by an attending. I don't need your help. I don't need your pathetic sympathy. I take your surgeries if you are stupid enough to give them to me." Cristina screamed at her. "You go and have kids with McDreamy! Be one happy family and leave me alone!"  
"Cristina" Meredith said in disbelieve. Everything they had been through seemed to fade away in seconds.  
But Cristina didn't stop shouting at her "We don't have to talk about it. In fact we don't have to talk about any of this. We don't have to talk about anything." Cristina turned around and walked away.

* * *

For a minute Meredith just stood there and looked as Cristina walked away. She couldn't quite process what had happened. The nurses in the hall looked at her as she walked away. They had probably overheard most of the conversation. She was angry, but happy at the same time. Angry about what her friend had just told her, happy because Derek and she could finally behave normally in public. She went to look for Derek and found him in his office "I think Cristina broke up with me. She found out about us und she told me that we didn't ever have to discuss anything again because apparently I'm obsessed with the idea of having a happy ending and I talk about my feelings too much or something." Meredith stammered.  
Derek looked at her. He had no idea what his wife was talking about. It made no sense to him and he hoped she was trying to be funny "You are kidding right?"  
Meredith looked at him and he could tell she was mad about something. "No, she told me that I was pathetic and I should leave her alone, that she's fine and that she doesn't need to be protected. I don't understand her. We always got each other, now we don't."  
Derek got up from his chair and walked over to her to give her a hug "Are you okay?"  
"No, I'm not. My best friend just told me that we don't ever have to talk about anything again and that my sympathy is pathetic."Meredith took a step away from him and took a look outside the window.  
"I'm sure you will make up somehow." Derek tried to get close to her and put his hands onto her shoulders.  
Meredith was conflicted. She had done everything in her power to make Cristina feel better. She had spent 10 days after the wedding with her friend instead of her husband to comfort her, she had swapped surgeries whenever Cristina wanted to, she had been there. She was happy and she wanted to be with Derek, but she also wanted to be friends with Cristina. But defending her own happiness and live choices in front of Cristina wasn't something she wanted to do "I'm not too sure about this Derek. I gave her some of my surgeries because I knew it would make her feel better, I tried to make her feel better and she took advantage of that. I am not sure this is what I want." She said. "She's not acting like Cristina."  
"Meredith" Derek tried to comfort her, but Meredith interrupted him immediately.  
"Don't Meredith me, Derek. I'm serious. We always shared everything, but she takes advantage of me. Alex doesn't take advantage, Izzie doesn't. Friends don't do this. She ridicules my relationship with you. Says I'm unfocused. Friends don't do this. I want to be there, but she's dismissing anything I say because I'm with you. She punishes me for being happy, for having another life plan"  
"Another life plan? What do you mean?" Derek wondered.  
"Marriage and things" Meredith explained quickly.  
"I love you, Meredith. I'm here for you if you need to talk, but not right now. Craniotomy in twenty minutes." Derek excused himself and left the room.  
"Alright, I better get to the ER, Callie paged me" Meredith said and left too. "But I need a kiss before I go"

* * *

On her way to the ER all kinds of thoughts rushed through her head. Callie had assigned her to all incoming trauma today and asked her to run the emergency room and assign patients to the other residents and interns. If it was going to be a good day, she wouldn't have the time to think about her fight with Cristina. Unfortunately hardly any trauma came in and Meredith was stuck at the front desk most of the time because she assigned her interns to take care of the patients with less severe injuries while she observed Cristina who ran from one of her assigned beds to the other while her interns observed what she was doing. The atmosphere was icy and hostile.  
Meredith decided to check on what her interns were doing when she observed the clumsy attempts of one of her interns "What are you doing there?" Meredith asked her intern, who tried to put in a central line.  
"You can't put in central line like this" one of her other interns told him.  
Meredith decided to instruct him instead of taking over the task and placing the line herself. She had taught them how to do it, but it wouldn't be a service to them if she did it herself. "I'm going to show you: Clean the skin, apply a local anesthetic, identify the location of the vein, use a hollow needle to advance through the skin until blood aspirates. Don't puncture the artery." she said and watched her intern follow the steps one after the other. His hands were shaking.  
"Got it this far?" she asked after she saw that he was finished with the steps she had told him so far.  
"Yes" he nodded.  
She proceeded with her explanations. "Okay, Seldinger technique. Pass the blunt guide-wire through the needle, remove the needle. Now pass the central line over the guide-wire and remove the guide-wire."  
"Good, well done" she smiled after he finished. The intern took a deep breath and checked the wire once again.  
"Now go for an x-ray and check if everything is okay." Meredith told him as moved over to the next patient.  
"You could have done this in a third of the time, Meredith." Cristina told her. She was standing at the bed next to her patient's bed and had observed Meredith's explanation while she had performed sutures while her interns had watched her do it.  
"Cristina, it's called teaching." Meredith said angrily.  
"They should be able to place a central line themselves." Cristina dismissed Meredith's comment.  
"No, we knew how to do a central line because Bailey showed us how to put in a central line." Meredith screamed. "She let us do central lines. She didn't take over all the patients in the pit"  
"Whatever, the ER is packed and unlike you I try to get as many patients out of here as possible." Cristina told Meredith. "I have patients to see. While you are stuck here, I'm going up to the OR to assist on a procedure with Dr. Hahn."  
"What about your interns?" Meredith wondered.  
"They can do scut work, charting and sutures, just like you" Cristina said harshly as she walked away.  
"You can't scrub in, Torres assigned you to the ER today and she left me in charge of everyone here. There's no way you are scrubbing in until we took care of the patients here" Meredith reminded her.  
"I asked Hahn if I could do it, she agreed, this is me walking away." Cristina told her and walked away. Meredith didn't understand what was happening. She was hurt and she wanted to punch something, but she couldn't leave the ER. The day dragged on for longer than she wanted it to. She sutured a few patients and referred others to the appropriate attending. Some were sent to rooms, some were discharged after treatment. It was a boring day, but at least she got off in time.

* * *

"Why are you and Yang fighting?" Callie asked after Cristina had left the ER.  
"She's mad that I didn't tell her that Derek and I are back together" Meredith said truthfully.  
"So you forgave him for cheating?" Callie asked.  
"Well, Derek didn't cheat. The woman in his trailer was his sister. She came to check on him." Meredith said with a little smile on her face "How are things with George? How does he like Mercy West?"  
"I don't know, he says that he's happy, but I don't believe him. He misses you guys a lot. You were such a tight group." Callie told her as she checked one of her charts.  
"We were. I miss him too. You could come over for the house warming. Derek is moving in." Meredith suggested. "We kept it a secret because I wanted to tell Cristina first, but we decided that he should move in last week and he's moving in this week."  
"Thanks, Meredith. I really appreciate this. I'm sure he'd like it. Just send me a mail with the date because I'm not going to remember it if you tell me now, I have all this paper work in my head" Callie laughed.  
"The perks of being Chief resident?" Meredith wondered. "I'm going to get changed now, have fun"

* * *

"What is all the yelling about?" Lexie wondered. She saw a group of attendings arguing loudly at the front entrance of the hospital. She had just finished her shift and saw Meredith standing close by.  
"The nurses said that Sloan, Shepherd, Hahn and Montgomery all want to become Chief. Sloan is mad at Montgomery, Shepherd is mad at Sloan, they are all mad at Hahn because she only arrived today and now they are yelling at each other, but I don't really know what this is all about" Meredith told her.  
"Looks like fun" Lexie laughed.  
Meredith began to smile and knew that this was the perfect opportunity to check on Lexie. "Lexie, I meant to ask you before but I never got around to. How are you?"  
"What is this about? I tried to talk to you and you never seemed to care." Her sister wondered because Meredith hadn't talked to her a lot since she started working at Seattle Grace.  
Meredith took a deep breath and started to explain. "Lexie, your mom asked me to look after you. You are not on my service, so I don't really get to look after you at work, but this is me, asking you if you are okay. I was freaking out a lot during the first week, so it's only natural if you do too."  
"I'm fine. I'm really nervous all of the time, but I'm fine. I mean Dr. Yang doesn't really teach us anything, but I learnt a lot watching her, I think. In fact the only thing we did was scut work and charting because she decided to scrub in herself and we are left with post ops or charting. But maybe things will change when we got really got at them." Lexie told her in a neutral voice.  
"Are you serious?" Meredith asked in shock. She knew that Lexie had only been working at the hospital for a few days, but she had expected some sort of teaching on Cristina's part. Cristina had always taken pride in the fact that she was able to do procedures that took a high level of skills, why would she take over all the work interns were doing?  
"Yes." Lexie nodded.  
"Come to me tomorrow after work and I'm going to show you how to do a central line. This is me trying." Meredith smiled and hoped Lexie would accept her medical peace offering.  
"Thank you" Lexie smiled. It wasn't a lot, but it was the first step on the way to get to know each other.

* * *

_Lots of drama, fluff and freakouts ahead, Derek is moving in, Mama Shepherd is coming over for a visit, Meredith's friendship to Cristina is put to test_


	37. You Are My Home

**Chapter 37 You are my home**

* * *

Meredith was happy to be home and able to relax. The situation Cristina and she were experiencing was on her mind and it constantly brought her down. She chose to watch one of her mother's surgical tapes in her bed room while waiting for Derek to distract herself. She opened the pizza box next to her and started to eat a few slices while watching how her mother opened up the patient. She knew that Derek wouldn't like to see her eating pizza on their bed, but her room was a mess anyway. Derek had started to move over some of his stuff and there were boxes everywhere in the room.

"I saw you, Mark, Addison and Hahn screaming at each other in the lobby. Want to tell me what that was about?" Meredith asked Derek when he came in two hours after she had finished the pizza.  
"We had a professional disagreement." Derek said quietly.  
"That's what you call this type of quarrel nowadays?" Meredith laughed. "The entire hospital witnessed your little 'professional disagreement'. What's going on, Derek?"  
Derek sat down next to her and smiled "They want to become Chief, but the Chief promised Chief to me when I came."  
"Richard promised you Chief?" Meredith wondered. It was awful, if he got the position she wouldn't be the intern that got married to the head of neurosurgery but the resident that was married to the Chief of surgery.  
"He did, multiple times before I took the position. He wanted me to come desperately, so it was part of the package. You know he was trying to get me to go to Seattle for more than three years?" Derek smiled. It was his cocky 'I'm the neuro god smile' that Meredith both loved and hated.  
"Why did you decide to take the position when you did?" she asked calmly.  
"I wanted to forget someone." Derek smiled and looked at her with a happy smile.  
"Addison?" Meredith wondered.  
"You."  
Meredith laughed. "That worked out well."  
"It did. You were here and I was here. When I saw you I knew that there wouldn't be a reason to forget about you because you were here. Mark had a good laugh about this twisted turn of fate though." Derek started to reminisced the moment he saw her around all the other residents and the moment he told Mark that it was her.  
"At least he stopped hitting on me after you came." Meredith smirked.  
"He hit on you before I came?" Derek wondered. Meredith had never talked to him about this, but he knew that Mark had been obsessed with Dr. Grey for quite some time.  
"Constantly. I guess it's because I didn't date coworkers and he likes the thrill of the chase." Meredith said.  
"It's because Mark and I always had a similar taste in women." Derek laughed. "Anyway, the Chief is hesitant to give the position to me now."  
"What made him change his mind?" Meredith wondered.  
"You."  
Meredith looked confused. The Chief had always been very protective of her feelings, but she knew that he wouldn't punish Derek for cheating on her when he was supposed to make a decision about the future of the hospital. "Me? Why would I be the reason he changed his mind. As far as he knows we are broken up, but I'm able to work with you on a professional level. We did it since I'm back from the honeymoon. Is he still trying to protect me from whatever you could or supposedly did to do me?"  
Derek shook his head. "He had a suspicion when he met you after my surgery, I told him."  
"He's mad at us for being married and trying to work things out?" Meredith wondered.  
"No, he encouraged me to enjoy every moment with you. To do the things he never did. Whatever that means." Derek said as he repeated the Chief's words.  
"Choosing my mom and having a family. Want me to talk to him?" Meredith knew what he talked about. She had read Ellis' journals and she had heard Richard's side of the story when he had yelled it out for everyone to hear in the hospital.  
"No, it'll be fine. I have a board meeting in a week and I'm going to present my strategic plan for the surgery department to them." Derek reassured his wife.  
"You have a strategic plan for everything." Meredith laughed.  
Derek nodded "I do, I know exactly what I want to do in the next ten years."  
"You do?"  
"Kiss you, sleep next to you, be with you." Derek smirked.  
"I like that plan." Meredith smiled and leaned over to kiss him.

"So you really want to be chief?" Meredith asked him after they had been silently looking at each other for a while.  
Derek's blue eyes were sparkling "That's part of my life plan, become a surgeon, get married to a beautiful woman, become Chief of surgery and be a father. I want to build us a house, I want to wake up next to you for the rest of my life. I want to die 110 years old lying in your arm."  
All this determination still scared Meredith. She had committed to their relationship, but she wasn't used to this kind of love. "Derek, I want be with you, but I need baby steps. All this planning, it's suffocating."  
"Meredith, I'm going to take one step at a time. I have a beautiful wife, so Chief of surgery will be the next thing. You don't have to run to the hills" Derek reassured her.  
Meredith laughed and looked around the room "That's good because your stuff is blocking all of my stuff. You really have to get rid of those boxes. I can't believe you have more hair products than I do. You're so vain."  
"You love my hair" Derek smirked.  
"Yeah, it's one of the many things that make me very happy." Meredith laughed before they finally closed their eyes.

It felt great to wake up next to her husband the next morning. He sat up next to her and was reading a neurosurgical journal. When he noticed that she had opened her eyes he smiled. "Mark is going to help me with the other boxes today."  
"There are more?" Meredith eyed him suspiciously. Her room was already packed and she had no idea where they would possibly fit all of it.  
"Yes, I kept some of them in storage." Derek told her  
Meredith got more nervous by the minute. "Tell me there's enough space in George's room.  
Derek sensed that his wife was about to have a little freak out "I don't…"  
"Tell me there's enough space in George's room." Meredith repeated.  
"For now." Derek said.  
"You're kidding, right?" Meredith started to freak out. The realization that he was moving in started to sink in.  
"Maybe. I like your face when you get agitated."Derek smirked and Meredith was able to relax a little. "Maybe some of them are going to stay in storage until I built us a house."  
Meredith took a deep breath. They were going to live with each other. "I have a house, a house you are about to move in."  
Derek knew what Meredith meant, but he wanted her to have everything, but he knew she wasn't ready for everything. "I want it to be our house, this is your house. The next one will be our house. But I'm not going to talk about it because you are not ready for that yet."

After Derek finished Meredith's pancakes she leaned over to kiss him when Alex came in. "Gross. Why does this place look like a storage unit?"  
Meredith laughed because the house looked a lot like the day when she had moved into it. "You might want to ask Derek"  
Izzie came in as well and started to go through the boxes that had the label 'Kitchen supplies' on it. "You have a lot of stuff, Dr. Shepherd. Oh my god, you have a kitchen aid with about a thousand attachments. I think I want to make sweet love to that baby."  
The three of them laughed. "You need to get laid." Alex said "So when are you going to unpack all this stuff?  
"Mark is coming over today and we'll try to get as many boxes done as possible. Don't worry, it'll be nice and tidy tonight." Derek reassured him.  
"Do you have a coffee maker because Mer's kind of crap. Not big enough for the number of people." Alex kept pushing, but Meredith interrupted him. "It's true Mer." Alex insisted.  
"Addison got ours in the divorce. I don't have one." Derek explained.  
"Why don't you buy one?" Alex kept pushing.  
"Why don't you go to work, Alex? You don't have to buy another coffee maker, Derek. If they want one, let them buy one." Meredith said when the door bell rang.

Meredith got ready for work, but decided to check on Derek and Mark before she left. "Are you sure you can take care of this yourself?"  
"I am, don't worry. We are not going to burn down the house." Derek chuckled.  
"I'm relieved you won't." Meredith laughed  
"Don't worry Grey, I am going to move Derek's porn collection over to my place" Mark said as he carried three boxes inside the house  
"I'm sure Addison is going to appreciate this" Meredith said while her eyes trailed along the floor.  
Derek leaned over to her and whispered "There is no porn collection, Mer." Meredith smiled and kissed his cheek "Alright, I see you later. Don't trash the place"

* * *

The day at the hospital felt like it wouldn't end. The kids in the pediatric wing kept her busy and she enjoyed working with them, but she didn't enjoy hearing all the gossip about her and Derek in the floors. Ever since she had told Cristina and Callie the day before, people had been talking about them. Some knew the correct version of the story, where Meredith had walked in on Derek and his sisters and had assumed he was cheating on her, some proclaimed that this wasn't the truth and added some colorful details or changed the story completely. She almost lost it when one of the interns walked up to her and the interns next to her and started to complain "I can't believe Shepherd's not responding to his page, two hours for a simple neuro consult, it's unbelievable but he's probably at home screwing his wife or sister or whatever." Alex had saved her and she smiled when he yelled at his intern. "Page Dr. Nelson for Christ's sake. What Dr. Shepherd is doing on his day off is none of your business. He certainly won't come in for a consult." She hated the gossip mill and was glad when one of the peds fellows pulled her into an emergency surgery at noon. They operated on a nine year old boy who had an aortic aneurysm and multiple trauma injuries which kept her in the OR until her shift ended.

"Ready to go home, Mer?" Izzie asked when she met Meredith in the car park.  
"I hope we recognize the place when we get there" Meredith joked as she got into the car.  
"So Derek wants to be Chief?" Izzie asked Meredith as they drove off the parking lot into rush hour traffic.  
"Yeah, maybe I'm married to the Chief of surgery in a few weeks. It's quite a step up from Vegas stranger there. It's like winning the jackpot." Meredith admitted and laughed.  
"A very good looking and smart jackpot" Izzie laughed.  
"I miss George." Izzie said out of the blue. "He was my best friend, we talked like all the time, but ever since he moved out and went to Mercy West, it's like I don't have a best friend anymore. It's like he vanished off the surface of the earth."  
"You slept with him, Izzie. Callie's still pissed." Meredith suggested. "But call him, meet in your free time, have coffee, just don't do anything stupid again."  
"Don't judge me" Izzie demanded.  
"I don't judge, I was the queen of stupid decision making" Meredith laughed. "Just don't do something stupid."  
"I slept with him once, it was awkward." Izzie admitted "It's nothing I want to experience again. I was sad and lonely, missing Denny, I thought I wanted it, but I didn't."

* * *

The house seemed quiet and peaceful when they entered. Izzie went to her room to take a shower. Meredith looked around and noticed that the living room looked different and that Derek had fallen asleep on the couch. She sat down next to him and leaned over to prod him with her nose. "You redecorated the living room. It looks a lot homier now. We have cushions and curtains now and the TV grew. The room looks so grown up now."  
He opened his eyes and mumbled "I figured you'd like it."  
"Why did you ship all this things over to Seattle? Would have been cheaper to sell them and buy new things." Meredith wondered after she looked at a few bulky pieces of furniture.  
"They are mine. My mom got me this after I graduated from Med school, I bought this liquor cabinet when Nancy gave birth to her first child. I was at the checkout when I got the call." He narrated her through the newest additions to their living room furniture before he pulled a box out of his pocket. "It's a diamond bracelet, I bought it the day after I came back from Vegas. I knew I would find you, and I knew we'd be together."  
"It's beautiful. But you couldn't have known that you'd ever see me again." Meredith said.  
Derek smiled "I knew. You know that feeling when you just know that everything will be fine."  
"I don't, I'm the president of people with crappy lives." Meredith laughed.  
"I knew your name and I wanted to find you" Derek started to explain "and a day later I got scared because I thought what if I found you and you didn't want to be with me. So I chose to be miserable for almost a month instead."  
Meredith laughed "I didn't want to be with you when you found me, remember?"  
"I never looked for you. I just found you." Derek explained.  
"Are you saying we were meant to be? You believe in fate?" Meredith eyed him suspiciously. If there was something like fate, the universe truly hated most people.  
"I do. I mean, what are the chances of meeting you in Vegas and meeting you again in Seattle, at my workplace, our workplace two months later?" Derek smiled  
"One in a million." Meredith uttered.  
"You are one in a million." Derek nodded.

Two hours later Meredith and Derek enjoyed each other's company in Meredith's bedroom. She threw a pillow at his face and he tried to tickle her. "Do you think Cristina will come around?" Meredith wondered. "I miss her."  
"I'm sure she will. She just needs time to process everything on her own." Derek tried to reassure Meredith.  
"It was never like this. We never had anything we couldn't talk about. Cristina always got me, and now she doesn't." Meredith told him as she stared at the ceiling fan. "But I talked to Lexie today, things are progressing"  
"Good. You are a good teacher." Derek nodded  
"How do you know? You talked to her?" Meredith wondered at first, but quickly concluded "You talked to my sister."  
"Briefly, she told me you tried and I saw that you taught her how to suture. She used your technique when she closed up a patient." Derek said with a proud smile on his face. "My mother is coming over tomorrow. She called me "  
Meredith turned her head around abruptly "Do you want to scare me? Because it works."  
Derek laughed "No, she's really coming, but don't be afraid."

She was taking a bubble bath with her beautiful gorgeous husband who sat at the opposite side of the bath tub. She couldn't help but acknowledge how amazing this very moment with her husband really was "I am glad you're in my bathtub." She told him. He smiled and her and whispered "Me too." Looking at the ring on her left hand wasn't all that scary anymore. Maybe there was no happily ever after, but there was definitely a happy now. She was happy now. They were happy now. The suture held, no bleedings left. She remembered she was loved and she never wanted to forget how she felt looking into the eyes of her husband. She was home.


	38. What A Difference A Day Makes

**Chapter 38 What A Difference A Day Makes**

D-Day. Meredith dreaded the day. She was freaking out. Derek's mother would be flying to Seattle today and she would meet her. A few weeks ago she could have talked to Cristina, but they still kept their conversations to the professionally required minimum. She couldn't talk to Izzie about her fears because Izzie was the type of girl mothers loved and Alex wasn't an expert on the topic either. She could not even enjoy her breakfast and just kept staring at Derek's bowl of Muesli.

Being on Derek's service for the day didn't ease the anxiety, either. Every time she looked at him she got woozier at the thought of his mother's visit. Meeting Thatcher had been easier for Derek because Meredith couldn't care less what Thatcher would think about him. Derek was the perfect son in law anyway, whereas she was just self drowning Meredith.  
"This is Dr. Grey and she's going to prepare you for surgery tomorrow. She's one of the most capable residents around here." Derek told the young boy they'd operate on tomorrow.  
Meredith turned to the mom who was looking at her son. "I'm sorry, but I have to ask you a few questions to insure we treat your son correctly. Does he take any meds?"  
The mom shook her head. The boy looked at Meredith and smiled. He was six years old and had a tumor on his spine, but it seemed like he was full of energy "No, I don't, but she takes little pills so she doesn't have a baby. I'm not taking any because man can't have babies. Are you taking them too?  
Derek and his mother laughed while Meredith blushed.  
She nodded "No I'm not, but there are other methods of birth control, little guy"  
The little boy was curious and kept interrogating her "Do you have children?"  
Meredith looked at Derek hoping he'd help her to get out of the situation, but he just smiled at her. "I don't." Meredith told the boy after a brief moment of silence.  
"Why do you do it then? You would have beautiful children." The boy asked her. Derek smirked and thought that the boy was charming, but knew that his wife was quite embarrassed.  
"I'm sure she's not planning on having them yet. Not everyone is in a stable relationship and feels comfortable to provide a loving and caring environment for a child. It's a lot of work" The boy's mother tried to explain to keep her son from harassing the young resident any further.  
"But she and the brain surgeon are wearing matching wedding bands" The boy looked at his mother and pointed at their hands.  
Meredith coughed and looked at Derek who was very amused by the situation "Anyway young man, I really need your mom to answer those questions, so I'm going to take her outside for a few minute and you stay here with Dr. Shepherd" Meredith said and glared at Mark who stood at the door step.

* * *

After she had finished talking to the mother, she walked over to him. He was very amused. "Did you pay him to ask that?" Meredith asked him with furious eyes.  
"No, but I enjoyed it anyway." The plastic surgeon laughed "Shep and you would make beautiful babies."  
"Not funny, Sloan." Meredith glared at him.  
"I have a bone graft this afternoon, want to scrub in? I don't think your husband would mind. He said you'd enjoy it. " Mark said in a casual tone. "We can talk more about your McBabies in there"  
"I'm on Dr. Shepherd's service today, I'm afraid I can't." Meredith smiled and turned around to walk away when she was interrupted by her pager. "Sorry, head trauma coming in, have to get to the ER"

By the time the patient arrived at the bay it was already too late. Meredith did a neuro exam upon arrival, but his pupils were blown. She decided not to call time of death because her interns would have the opportunity to learn something. You couldn't do too much damage to a dead patient. So they performed CPR, shocked him, pushed epi, intubated him and did everything they would do if the patient wasn't really dead. Derek came in when she finally called time of death. "Why didn't you page me?" He looked at her furiously. "I'm the head of neurosurgery and you have the audacity to let your inters play with a patient even though his pupils are blown and he doesn't have a heart beat?"  
"I am teaching them, Derek" Meredith defended her actions. She looked at her interns and added "Get out."  
"Is inserting a breathing tube in a dead man teaching?" he yelled at her while her interns watched them through the window.  
"I don't care what either of these morons told you, but Bailey used to do it with us all the time Dr. Shepherd. It doesn't hurt him and it's good for practice. They did a neuro exam, his pupils were blown, he was gone, gone before he arrived here. They inserted a breathing tube, and practiced how to put in a central line, they practiced. I don't think I have to discuss my teaching methods with you. If you have problems with them, talk to Torres, she's the Chief resident." Meredith yelled.  
"I can't believe you" Derek screamed and smirked a little because his plan was working out.  
"I can't believe you. I am following teaching protocols." Meredith replied in a very determined tone. "Don't be a jerk!"  
"Go and tell your Chief resident to reassign you." Derek told her before he started to walk out of the room.  
As he reached the door Meredith asked him "What am I supposed to tell her? That I taught my interns and you don't want me to do this? This is a teaching hospital"  
Derek looked at her and stated "Tell her, you have a problem with accepting a superior's opinion and that said superior doesn't want to teach you today because you questioned his professional competence and judgment."  
Meredith was angry, but she wanted to calm herself down. They had already screamed enough to alert most nurses, interns and residents in the ER "I did not, you questioned mine. But never mind, I'm not going to pick this stupid fight with you. I have enough fighting with Cristina"

* * *

After Meredith had calmed down a bit, she walked to Callie who assigned her to Dr. Sloan's bone graft surgery. She was glad to be able to avoid Derek for a while, but realized that his best friend was probably not the best distraction considering his constant desire to do small talk during surgery and it was no surprise to her that today wouldn't be any different.  
"I haven't seen you this nervous since you came back from Vegas, Grey." Mark laughed after he finished the incision.  
"Maybe it's because I'm nervous. Very nervous. Derek kicked me off his service and yelled at me and his mom is coming to town today." Meredith admitted.  
Mark laughed again "Are you afraid of Mrs. Shepherd?"  
"I am. I don't do well with parents. Getting drunk and getting married to a stranger isn't the best way to be introduced to a family." Meredith said. "She must think it's a miracle he didn't knock me up by now."  
"Relax, Grey. I sort of know you and I know Mrs. Shepherd. She practically raised me. She knows about my way with women and she still loves me – and you are a lot like Amelia. She is going to like you once you meet her." Mark tried to calm her down.  
Meredith enjoyed talking to Dr. Sloan today. I was strangely comforting because he seemed to be able to connect with her on some level. "I doubt that. It's just a scary thing. I never met the parents of the people I slept with since high school because you don't meet the parents of your one night stand."  
Mark smirked "Strangely familiar feeling, Grey. I know Addison's parents because I knew Derek and her for a very long time and I'm practically family, but I'm still afraid to meet them now, her father is pretty terrifying. Mrs. Shepherd is different." It was silent for a moment as Mark tried to finish a vital part of the procedure. "You don't have to be afraid. She did one hell of a job in raising her own kids on her own, took me in. I'd be surprised if she doesn't like you. Just talk to her like you talk to me, a little bit less rambling, but you should be fine." Mark told the resident after taking a deep breath  
Meredith looked at Mark and smiled "I can't believe I'm taking advice from you - again."  
Mark smiled to himself "Maybe I should take a consultation fee the next time. Derek met Susan and Thatcher, now it's your turn."  
Meeting Susan and Thatcher had been weird. She and her dad had hardly said a thing that evening while Derek and Susan had chatted away like they knew each other for years. "Yeah, but it's different because Derek's mom has actually raised him. I was raised by a pack of wolves and Thatcher is nothing but my biological dad. He wasn't a part of my live for 20 years. I'm not used to parents who care. I was alone a lot. My mom was at the hospital and I was sitting in my room hoping that nobody would break in. I used to…"  
"…turn on all the lights and the tv to pretend that you weren't alone." Mark interrupted her.  
"How do you know?" Meredith wondered.  
"Grey, you're not the only one with a lonely childhood. My parents were interested in everything except being parents." Mark explained. It was the first personal information he had ever given away that made her feel connected to him in a human way.  
"Sounds strangely familiar" She smiled and wondered "How did you get past this?"  
Mark looked at her. "I think you never do. It's something that's a part of you. People with parents …"  
"… don't get it. " Meredith completed the sentence.  
"Right. But my life got better when I met Derek in school. I went to his house a lot and I was practically adopted by a woman who had two jobs and 5 kids and she cared about me as much as she cared about any of her own. It's a good feeling. Just try to let her in. and by the way Derek picked that fight in the ER to get you into this OR. He knew you'd be nervous and wanted me to talk to you." Mark said with a smile on his face.  
Meredith was a little surprised because the fight in the ER had felt real, but she was relieved that it was Derek's way of pushing her into Dr. Sloan's OR.

* * *

When Mark and Meredith left the scrub room after surgery they saw Derek and a grey haired woman waiting close by. "Mark, it's so nice to see you and judging by my son's look on his face, you must be Meredith" Carolyn said and hugged Meredith.  
"Hello Mrs. Shepherd, it's so nice to see you. You look better than ever." Mark complimented her  
"Hello Mrs. Shepherd." Meredith said nervously.  
Derek's mother took Meredith's hands and looked at her "Child, you look gorgeous. I'm glad we finally get to know each other. Derek has told me so much about you. Call me Carolyn, Mrs. Shepherd was my mother in law."  
"Hello, uhm… Carolyn." Meredith corrected herself.  
"Why don't you get changed and we go to dinner together?" he asked to allow Meredith to get changed into her normal clothes.

* * *

Derek had decided to take his mother up to see his land on Bainbridge Island. Meredith and he loved it up there, but hadn't been there since he had started to move in, but he was certain that he wanted to build a house for them on his land.  
"Here we are. The trailer and my land." He said when he finally parked the car. He opened the car door for his mother and helped her to get out. She looked around. The trailer and the front porch were a stark contrast to his life in New York. It was quiet and she was actually able to see the stars in the night sky.  
"It's beautiful. What are you going to do with it?" Derek's mother wondered. Derek had always loved New York and the metropolitan lifestyle that working and living in Manhattan entailed.  
"I still have to figure it out." Derek said and looked at Meredith, who had been very quiet during the car ride.  
"Were do you live, Meredith?" Derek's mom wondered.  
"In my mom's house." Meredith answered. She was nervous and tried to keep the rambling to a minimum so she chose to answer in short sentences. Very short sentences.  
"Do you enjoy living with her?" Carolyn asked.  
There was a moment of uncomfortable silence as Meredith didn't know how to address the question properly. She had never lived with her mother in a way normal people would have lived with their parents. They slept in the same house occasionally, but she had moved out on her 18th birthday.  
"She died a few months ago, Meredith is living there with some of her fellow residents and I'm in the process of moving in with her too. I already moved over most of my stuff" Derek decided to answer for her.  
Carolyn's expression changed when his son mentioned this. "I'm sorry to hear. It's terrible to lose a parent. You must be devastated?"  
Meredith nodded. It was true, she had been devastated. Just not by her death, but by the things her mother had told her during her last lucid moments "We weren't exactly close and she had Alzheimer, so she was in a home before that. I couldn't take care of her by myself."  
Derek's mom nodded and said "I'm sorry."  
Derek wanted to divert their conversation to a less touchy topic so he decided to let his mother talk about his family. "Nancy told me that Amelia is at Hopkin's now."  
"She is. She's doing well, but she's busy and Kathleen and Nancy are also doing fine. I was worried about you, the divorce and then you moved to the other side of the country. But when I look at you now, I think you are quite happy" his mom said with a little smile on her face.  
"That's because I am." Derek nodded.

They talked about Derek's sisters for a while before Carolyn looked at her son and asked "Derek, why don't you go inside and get us a bottle of wine?" After he had left she started to talk to Meredith, who had been afraid to spend time with her mother in law every since finding out about her visit. "Derek is happy. That's something you can be proud of. I haven't seen him as relaxed and happy in years."  
Meredith had expected to get a passive aggressive statement to leave Derek alone. "Are you sure? You're not mad that we got married in Vegas, the night we met and admittedly very drunk?"  
"Derek told me the story before he went to Seattle. Well, some of it. I thought he was going crazy to be honest. He was quite fond of the girl he had met in Vegas. He talked about her in a way I never heard him talk about Addison. His eyes lit up when he talked about you. He never thought it was a mistake and looking at the two of you now I'm inclined to agree that it wasn't." Carolyn said with a little smile on her face.  
"You're not mad at me?" Meredith said with a sign of relief.  
"It's not like you dragged him in front of the altar and threatened to kill him unless he said yes." Carolyn joked and Meredith laughed. "and Mark told me a few things about you. But you look a little bit distracted, what's the matter?"  
"I shouldn't bother you with it." Meredith said.  
"It's fine." Carolyn said and held Meredith's hand to show her support.  
"My best friend and I are in a fight. She doesn't like that I'm dating or being married to Derek. She says I'm unfocused because of it. Her fiancé sort of left her at the altar and she's been through a lot this year. But so have I, I don't get why she's giving me such a hard time when all I do is trying to make things easier for her. I don't think she gets me at the minute" Meredith tried to summarize the situation.  
"So this fight is about you choosing Derek?"Carolyn eyed her suspiciously.  
"Sort of, I haven't told her that Derek and I were back together because she was left at the altar. And when she found out she went on this crazy rant about how I'm unfocused and not a good enough surgeon because 'I screw an attending'. She doesn't get what Derek and I have." Meredith gave away more details.  
Derek's mom had seen her daughters and their friends fight for hundreds of times and knew that in the end most people came around and apologized "She'll come around. There's nothing you can do at the minute if you fight because you disagree about your lifestyle. You could apologize for not telling her sooner, but that's your choice.""Hey, it took me a minute to clean the glasses. Here's the wine, Mom, and a coke for you, Mer. I'll get the pasta in a minute." Derek interrupted them.

* * *

The dinner wasn't anything like the dinner with Susan and Thatcher. Maybe that was because Thatcher wasn't there, Meredith thought to herself. They laughed, they ate and Meredith felt like they connected. Derek's mother was a very warm hearted woman, who seemed to look out for everyone. "I'm going to call a taxi and go back to the hotel now."  
"You realize we are in the middle of nowhere here. Meredith and I can take you. We are going back to the house anyway." Derek persuaded her. The car ride was wonderful and Meredith loved the view of the illuminated skyline of Seattle and the ferryboats on the bay when they drove back to catch one of the last ferries of the night.  
"It was a wonderful evening, I really enjoyed dinner and I enjoyed spending time with you, Meredith. I can see why my son is so infatuated with you. And the two of you are going to have gorgeous kids." Carolyn told her as they both looked at the space needle.  
Meredith eyes widened. Derek looked at his wife interrogatively.  
"I mean how far along are you?" Carolyn wondered.  
"Meredith is not pregnant, are you, Mer?" Derek asked Meredith.  
"No, I'm not." Meredith responded quickly.  
"Oh, sorry, I thought, I… my radar must be off. I knew it before my girls told me and I just, never mind." Derek's mother smiled.


	39. Baby What A Surprise

_Thanks for the reviews!_

* * *

**Chapter 39 Baby What A Surprise**

"Derek, Baby steps don't include babies. Why is she even talking about this? We don't even know each other for a year and I'm not pregnant. I can't be." Meredith told Derek after they had dropped off his mother at the hotel.  
"My sisters have kids, well three of them have, she likes grandchildren. I'm sure she didn't mean to pressure you to have kids." Derek tried to calm his wife down.  
"I'm a resident. It's way too early for kids. Kids would hate me. My kids would have two heads, three feet and they'd have Alzheimer. And you'd have a 80 year old wife and a 50 year old kid who stand next to each other and don't know who they are." Meredith talked fast without taking a breath. She was nervous, very nervous. "And you, you looked so happy when she asked, and this patient this morning. Why does everyone seem to want me to procreate? It's crazy."  
Derek smiled. He liked the rambling, but knew that he needed to calm his wife down. "Meredith, I haven't said that I want children right now. All I'm saying that I want kids at some point in the future. Do you want children?"  
"I don't know Derek, I never thought about it. What happens if I say no? Will you still love me?" Meredith asked.  
"Meredith" Derek tried to interrupt, but she continued "I had a pretty crappy childhood and I have pretty crappy genes. I just got used to the fact that I'm married, but children were never in the picture. For the longest time I was hardly able to take care of myself."  
"Meredith, calm down, you are not pregnant." Derek calmed her down. " and we are practically a walking condom ad."  
Meredith giggled. "We even used the glow in the dark ones" Meredith continued to ramble before taking a deep breath.  
Derek smiled. "Oh I liked the glow in the dark ones. We went through the whole pack in two days up at the trailer four weeks ago."

* * *

As she was not able to fall asleep she grabbed one of her mother's journals and started to read _"They tell you that commitment is what it takes to make it as a surgeon. The cuts that are made can more damage than good, it's all about being committed. But commitments are complicated. True commitment takes effort and sacrifice."_ Meredith read in her mother's journal. She had written those lines sometime around the end of her residency, a few months before she had left Seattle and divorced Meredith's father, who had vanished from her life afterwards. Meredith had always had trouble with commitment, which was her mother's fault. She had problems committing because commitment did also require trust. _"But everyone has trouble with commitment in some way. Some people can't commit to a job, some people move from one state to the next, some sleep with a different woman every week, some pretend to never grow up. But people surprise themselves at the commitments that they are willing to let slip out of their grasp."_ But looking back at the past year Meredith was surprised by the commitments she was willing to make. She was married, she living with her husband and she was willing to meet his family, she had met and talked to her father, met her half sisters but the thought of the possibility of having her own little family was overwhelming. She never wanted to be like her mother, but having a baby a few months after finishing her internship was precisely what her mother had done and Meredith didn't want to be anything like her mother outside the surgical field.

* * *

When she woke up Meredith was still thinking about babies. I was a nauseating feeling. The babies haunted her in her dreams and she was glad to be at work. She was working at the clinic when Susan and Thatcher walked in.  
"You could've called." Meredith greeted her father's wife friendly. "I can page Lexie if you want"  
"It's not necessary" Susan said with a smile on her face "Oh, it's such a silly problem. Hiccups?" While she greeted Meredith with a warm hug, Thatcher kept his distance.  
"We didn't want to bother you." Thatcher said apologetically.  
"Well, it's not silly if you can't sleep." Meredith insisted. "So what are the symptoms?"  
"I have reflux...acid reflux. And the...hiccups come and go when it gets really bad. They stopped a few times but lately it's been getting worse." Susan explained.  
Bailey who was in charge of the clinic and the residents today walked up and threw a pack of pills into Susan's lap "Have you had chlorpromazine? Here you go. Thank you."  
"Isn't that the crazy person's drug?" Susan asked looking at her.  
"It's used as an anti-psychotic but it's also helpful with hiccups. If we don't stop these soon you will be a crazy person. Ok. Chlorpromazine is good, but it doesn't always work long-term. We've had some good result with endoscopic gastroplication. We put a tube down your throat and sew together the bottom of your esophagus to protect it from the acid in your stomach. It would be an outpatient procedure. Page Yang, you don't get to practice on family members. I don't want you anywhere near the clinic as long as Susan is here. See if Dr. Montgomery needs a resident".

* * *

Addison! Husband's ex wife! OB Gyn! Great! More babies is just what I need now! Meredith hated this. All of it. It seemed wrong to her. She would never be able to take care of a baby. She hadn't freaked out in a long time, but she felt like she was about to. On a normal day she would have talked to Cristina, but this wasn't an option right now. She tried to control her breathing, but it didn't seem to slow down. When she saw Alex, she grabbed him and pulled him into a supply closet. "My husband wants babies, Cristina's not talking to me and my dad is in the clinic. Could my day get any worse?" she said and almost hyperventilated.  
"Shepherd wants babies?" Alex asked in disbelief. "What am I supposed to do about this?"  
"His mom was here, but you know that, and his sisters breed like rabbits. I'm going to have five bubbly talkative children with perfect hair running around mom's house if I don't run fast." Meredith kept on rambling.  
"You could calm one of them Elvis. Would be a great tribute to the city you met in." Alex chuckled.  
"Do you want me to punch you? Because I'm close to losing it right now."  
"Relax, Mer." Alex told her and grabbed a paper bag. "Breathe. "  
"What am I going to do about this?" Meredith looked at him.  
"About the kids?" Alex wondered "It's called birth control and don't talk about this shit to me ever again I'm not Izzie."  
"No, what about Cristina and my dad?" Meredith said.  
"Yang will calm down, she doesn't get you and Shepherd, she never will. You two have this disgusting thing where you constantly want to do each other. It's really disgusting. The perfect little family. It's not what she wants. You two are disgusting, hovering over each other and the noise, makes me want to move out. He's only been there for like two days." Alex laughed.  
"Don't move out, you are my family. He just moved in, but thank you Alex, I have to go." Meredith looked at her watch and left a puzzled Alex there on his own.

* * *

Meredith ran to the psych floor. Nurses and visitors turned their heads as she ran past them. On a normal day she was a lot sneakier, but she was already 10 minutes late for her 45 minute session, so she didn't want to waste another minute of it. "Hello, Dr. Wyatt. Sorry I'm late there was a family emergency."  
"A family emergency?" Dr. Wyatt wondered. Other patients with dead mothers and fathers that left when they were five didn't have pressing family issues that caused them to be late.  
"My father's wife is in the clinic and I checked on them before I came here." Meredith said with a smile on her face.  
Dr. Wyatt was glad that it wasn't anything bad like she had expected it at first "That's nice. I take it that things are progressing with your father's family?"  
Meredith looked at her for a second and started to talk "I'm trying. I taught Lexie suture techniques yesterday because her resident wouldn't teach her. Right now I'm having a hard time because I'm trying really really hard not to like her. But no matter what I do, it doesn't work."  
"So you admit that you like her?" Dr. Wyatt asked. Meredith looked at her face and thought about what she'd tell her.  
"Well, kind of." Meredith finally admitted. "It's hard not to like her, and I tried, I really tried"  
"Does this apply to the relationship with your dad too?" Dr. Wyatt wondered, but she sensed that her dad was a whole other issue.  
"I see that he tries and that he's sorry and right now I'm almost ready to give him a chance. That doesn't mean I have forgiven him or I have forgotten what he did, but I'm almost ready to give him a chance to be in my life now. It's just hard to let go of all the anger that piled up inside of me for all those year." Meredith said. Thatcher was the guy who used to pour her cereal in the morning and the guy who never made an effort after they went to Boston.  
"Why is it hard to let go of your negative emotions towards him?" Dr. Wyatt wondered.  
"His decision to abandon me had a huge impact on my life. I wasn't able to commit to anyone for years because of the subconsciously fearing the possibility of loss thing. Letting go of the anger means that I have to admit that it wasn't all his fault. That it was also me. That it was me who wasn't able to let go of the fact that I had been abandoned once and that it was me who wasn't able to allow herself to be happy." Meredith took a deep breath. Dr. Wyatt nodded and smiled. This was a break through moment, which should be left uncommented for a few minutes.  
After about 2 minutes Meredith closed her eyes and realized that this wasn't the only thing on her mind. "Derek's mother is in town right now. I met her for the first time yesterday. I was very afraid of meeting her, but it wasn't too bad. I'm getting really got at the whole meeting the family thing. Well, actually it was quite good until she dropped a comment about babies on me."  
"Do you want to have babies?" Dr. Wyatt asked and Meredith admitted that she wasn't sure about it. "Can you tell me about your doubts?"  
"I don't know. My mom was a terrible mom. She was a brilliant surgeon, but she was a terrible mom. I want to become a surgeon and I know all about the crazy hours you have to work for. I know how lonely I felt when I was a kid. I don't want my kids to grow up like I did." Meredith answered.  
"But you would have a choice. You can choose to raise your kids differently if you decide to have children and you would have the support of your husband." Dr. Wyatt commented on what she had just hurt.  
"I can't count on that. Things happen in life. You're fine one minute and you die the next or you're left on your own." Meredith answered harshly  
"Meredith, stop thinking in worst case scenarios. They don't happen for most people."  
"They happen to me" Meredith insisted. "They always happen to me"  
"Even if you have to take care of your children or your child yourself, you have to realize that it's your choice how to raise them. Just because your mother chose to pursue her career in the way she did, doesn't mean you have to do it too. Do you think your mother felt good about working and leaving you to yourself?" Dr. Wyatt wondered.  
"I know she had doubts, I read her diary and she sounded unsure and compared her parenting skills to a failed surgery. She wrote I was the reason her lover had chosen his wife instead of her. And that even though she tried it was hard not to resent me for it. I don't ever want to resent my children." Meredith tried to explain.  
"You read her diary?" Dr. Wyatt asked surprised.  
"She has these journals, she wrote something almost every night, mostly surgical notes. Most of them are not very warm, but she wasn't either. I found them in the attic after she died."  
"What did you feel when you read about her feelings?"  
Meredith smiled. "I was relieved. I always thought that I was a disappointment to her, that she treated me the way she did because I wasn't good enough, but it seemed that she was as twisted as I am when it came to her feelings and that she thought she was a disappointment to me because she was never around. It feels like she loved me even though she wasn't able to express this love."  
Dr. Wyatt looked at her clock and said "Meredith, I want you to focus on this topic until next week. Think about all the things that distinguish you and your mother."

* * *

After exiting the psych floor she returned to the surgical wing and asked one of the nurses about Susan's case. She was about to check on her dad and get back to OB/Gyn when she bumped into Lexie.  
"Can you tell me how Sloan likes his coffee? He told me to get some" Lexie asked her.  
"That depends if you want to work with him again or not." Meredith laughed. "If you don't, you should by him a vanilla macchiato. He hates those. Otherwise, coffee 2 milk, 1 sugar and caramel flavor. Or you tell the guy at the coffee cart that you get it for Sloan and he knows what to do. His dry cleaner is on Washington Street and he likes tomato ham egg sandwiches with mayonaise. Have fun, I have to get back to your dad, he's waiting."


	40. You Can Do It

Chapter 40 You Can Do It

Meredith hurried back to Thatcher, who was sitting in the waiting room. "Sorry, I had something to take care of." She told her father as she sat down next to him.  
"Nice, um… to see you Meredith" Thatcher said insecurely. He appeared to be insecure and uncomfortable whenever she was alone with him.  
Meredith sensed that he was not comfortable and smiled. "Susan asked me to be here, I can page Lexie if you want, if it makes you more comfortable."  
"No, it's fine. You are here." he smiled. "You are my daughter too" It was the first time that they acted like normal human beings.  
"You know there's nothing to worry about." Meredith tried to reassure him. She knew it was a minor procedure with minimal risks and it seemed to her that her father was a worrier.  
"What I...what I worry about is Molly living in a new city alone with a baby most of the day. That's hard. And Lexie, who... started her residency." He started to stammer.  
"I know." Meredith nodded and her father continued to stammer. "You know. Right. And... I worry about you, too. How you're getting on, your mom...none of that was...simple." Meredith nodded, it had not been easy. Her mother had been diagnosed weeks before she started Med School. She was her secret keeper and being in the medical field it wasn't easy to keep it.  
"Susan's really on you to talk to me, huh?" Meredith laughed.  
"I got to admit, I'm envious...that she's getting to know you, and I'm not yet." He told her and laughed "I think she may be faking these hiccups."  
Meredith look startled. "To get...us in the same place? I'm going to get you something to drink." She got up and went straight to the next vending machine.

When she was just a few meters away from the vending machine she bumped into a familiar face. Derek's mom was looking at her and smiled. "Meredith, wait a second."  
"Sorry, my dad's wife is here. I was just on my way to grab a drink for my dad." Meredith tried to excuse herself.  
"Derek said you didn't really have a family" Carolyn said and looked quite confused. Meredith took a deep breath and realized she should probably explain it to a greater detail. "It's difficult. My parents got divorced when I was 5. My mom and I moved to Boston and I never saw him again until a few months ago. I don't really know him that well."  
Derek's mom smiled "But you decided to get to know him nonetheless."  
"His wife really made an effort to get to know me after their daughter was admitted here when she went into early labor, he didn't so much. It's easier to talk to Susan than to Thatcher, my dad or to Lexie or Molly, my sort of sisters." Meredith stammered, but Carolyn cut in.  
"Because you want to hate them?" Derek's mom asked straight away.  
Meredith was surprised because she had just established this in therapy. "See, Carolyn. I appreciate that you try to be nice here. I know you love your son and I know you want him to be happy, but I'm not a happy person. I have an awful lot of baggage. I have a dad who left me when I was 5. My mother is dead and didn't really look after me when I was a child. I had no one when I grew up. I'm crap when it comes to dealing with anything family related. I don't know whether I want to be a mother because I don't think I would be a good mother. I never went trick or treating on Halloween, we never had a turkey on thanksgiving, in fact I should stay far away from the kitchen altogether."  
"I didn't mean to pressure you, but from what you just told me, I can tell you that you are going to be a great mom, Meredith. You love my son and he loves you. I've never seen him like this. You are going to be a great mom, because you care about people. You want your kids to be fine and that's all it takes. Wanting to have the best for your kids. I know you're Amelia's age and you feel too young to be a mother. I get that, but you don't have to be afraid, Meredith. You would be a great mom. I have to get back to the airport soon, so I'm going to find my son now, I hope you are great. It was nice to meet you." She said.  
"Thank you. I think Derek is in his office, but I don't know. I'm not on his service today, so I don't really know what he's up to." Meredith excused herself. This had easily been the best conversation she had ever had about family. For a second she felt really calm. "I'm going to go back to my dad now."

The rest of her workday was peaceful and quiet. She said goodbye to Thatcher and Susan before she was discharged, she delivered a baby and monitored a preemie. "Hey little guy, don't worry, you are going to be fine. You are a fighter" she told him as she rubbed his belly. "You are going to make your mother very proud."  
"Her mother left her here and went. She signed away all her parental rights and gave her up for abortion" Izzie told her as she checked the other babies in the NICU.  
"That's awful" Meredith started to cry. "Why is the world such an awful place?"  
"Are you alright Grey?" Addison asked concerned.  
Meredith hurried and got up "I'm fine, it's just all of those babies. I have to go"  
"Dr. Grey. Relax! What's the matter?"  
"It's alright, I'm going to take care of her, Dr. Montgomery." Izzie said.  
"Derek wants kids, my patient wants me to have a kid and everyone talks about them, there are babies everywhere. And I don't know why I'm getting so emotional about this." Meredith cried on her shoulder. She didn't know where the sudden emotional outburst came from. Yes, this baby needed a mother and was abandoned by her, but on a normal day she would have been sad about it, she wouldn't have been crying on someone's shoulder.  
"Relax, Grey, it's going to be fine. Preemie cases are getting to everybody. It's hard to deal with it when you are a resident. But I can promise you, it'll get easier. Take a break and come back in twenty minutes" Addison told her.

"How does it feel to talk to the next Chief of surgery?" Mark greeted his friend as he entered the attending's lounge.  
"I'd have to ask you" Derek laughed.  
"How did things go with your mom? She left before I got the chance to say goodbye." Mark wondered "Does she like her?"  
"It was fine. Meredith was fine. Well, until my mother mentioned babies. She was a rambling mess after that and shut up completely a few minutes after that." Derek told his friend "But she likes her. She thinks she's right for me."  
"So what are you going to say in your interview tomorrow?" Mark wondered.  
"I'm not going to tell you, Mark. You are going to find out about it when I'm Chief of surgery" Derek laughed.  
"I'm still in the competition" Mark reminded him.  
"Yes, you always wanted the things I had." Derek shook his head. "How is Addison by the way?"  
"She has the flu, but she's fine, she locked herself in the guest room last night to prepare for the interview, but she's fine" Mark told him.

Meredith was able to calm herself down and when Derek came home she was genuinely happy to see him. He walked into the kitchen while she sat at the counter shoveling a pasta dish Izzie had cooked into her mouth. "Your mom talked to me."  
"Did she?" he smirked.  
"Yes." Meredith nodded and kept chewing.  
"You want to tell me what she told you?" he wondered.  
"No. But it was good." Meredith laughed.

It was already past midnight when Meredith decided to check on Derek one last time before going to sleep. "How's the Chief speech going?"  
"I think the board is going to like it." Derek said looking up from his cards.  
"It's tomorrow at 2, isn't it?" Meredith asked "You should go to bed"  
"Yes. It is. I can't." Derek nodded  
"Should I be there to cheer you up?" Meredith smiled.  
"You should take care of your patients and cheer me up now instead. I need encouragement."Derek said and looked at her seductively.  
"You would like that, wouldn't you?"Meredith laughed and turned away.  
"You're a tease." He said as he watched her go upstairs.  
"You should be practicing your speech." Meredith laughed.


	41. Am I Losing You?

**Chapter 41 Am I Losing You?**

Meredith continued her OB/Gyn assignment and surprisingly she did enjoy working with Derek's ex wife. She was an amazing surgeon and compared to a few other surgeons at the hospital she was easy to work with, even to talk to. Today she was scheduled to scrub in on two c-sections and a heart surgery on a two day old child that had been born after 27 weeks, but she was interrupted by a page from Dr. Bailey. She rushed to the surgical wing thinking she was supposed to do a consult on a pregnant woman, but was surprised to find Thatcher and Susan in the room. "I was paged? You're back? What happened?"  
Lexie who was in the room as well had not changed into scrubs yet. Her sister looked concerned "She's got a fever, and I think I hear a small murmur."  
Lexie's father turned his head to his daughter "A heart murmur?"  
Susan didn't appear to be concerned at all. "Don't be dramatic. At least it's not the hiccups."  
Bailey looked at the chart and concluded "Could be complications from the endoscopy."  
Meredith nodded and said "Bacterial endocarditis?"  
"You'll have to get tests, and if they come back positive, you'll be admitted for I.V. Antibiotics." Dr. Bailey said and paged one of Meredith's interns to do the tests while Lexie excused herself to get changed into her scrubs.  
Susan turned to Thatcher who held her hand tight "See? I told you. Don't be dramatic."  
Meredith looked at Bailey and decided that it was time to get back to Addison and to assign her interns "I'm going to come back later, I have to take care of my interns now."

* * *

The OB/Gyn wing was rather busy today and Meredith had just finished reading through the charts when she saw the log next to the drug cupboard. She noticed that Lexie had taken tocolytics out of it and was confused, so she rechecked the patients chart. Crap, she thought and ran to the patient's room.

"Stop and get out of the room" she shouted and Lexie exited quickly. "Why has Cristina assigned you to do pre ops for patients and monitoring? Your mother is in the hospital. You should be on scut because you are distracted. You were 20 seconds away from administrating tocolytics instead of patrurifacient drugs. You are distracted."  
"I'm not distracted I'm an intern. I made a mistake" Lexie apologized.  
"Take it easy, Lex. You're on scut now. I know I don't have any authority over you, but you can't treat patients if you are distracted. Tell Dr. Montgomery what's going on." Meredith said. She was genuinely concerned about her sister and didn't want her to get into trouble for messing up.  
"Meredith, you can't." Lexie insisted, but Meredith knew that she would have to keep her away from the patient. Bailey had put her on scut multiple times and while she hated it, she knew that it was the right decision. "Lexie, I can and I'm going to. So do me the favor and just walk away. Don't let me get you into trouble. Because I don't want you to get into trouble. Go and see Susan and then just send the intern who's in charge of scut today here to take over for you."

* * *

"Susan is in the hospital" Meredith told Derek who was sitting in the cafeteria on his own reading his presentation notes once again.  
"What's the matter?" Derek asked her.  
"She has a bacterial endocarditis and got admitted for I.V. antibiotics. She'll be alright." Meredith smiled and sat down next to him "How is the Chief interview going?"  
"I'm nervous, but I'm prepared." He smiled.  
Meredith leaned over for a kiss and got back to her feet "Good, I better get back to my patients. There are babies to be born and ultrasounds to be done. Your ex wife keeps me busy."  
"Not busy enough apparently" Addison laughed as she showed up right beside them. "Where's the other Grey?"  
Meredith looked at her and started to explain carefully "Her mother is in the hospital, I sent her to do scut work after she tried to put the wrong medication into the patient's IV. I know I'm not her resident and I shouldn't assign other interns but I need to protect her from herself."  
"It was the right call, Grey. Get one of your interns to take over for her. My Chief interview is in 60 minutes. You're in charge of the patients until I'm back. Page me or Dr. Simmons if there's an emergency." Addison told her before she left to grab a sandwich.

* * *

Meanwhile Lexie arrived at her mother's room and noticed that something was wrong. "When did the cramping start?"  
"A little while ago." Susan answered and Lexie decided to page Dr. Bailey immediately. This sort of complication needed close monitoring and an immediate reaction.  
"What is it? Is it..." Thatcher asked concerned.  
Lexie tried to calm him down. "Probably nothing serious. It could just be a reaction to the antibiotics. We may have to switch to another one, but it may mean another night here."  
"It's okay, it's okay." Susan told her concerned husband.  
Lexie nodded and told her "It's okay, but Dr. Bailey is going to check on you now."

Meredith was on her way back to the OB/Gyn wing when she ran into Cristina. "What were you thinking? You can't assign Lexie to do pre ops and monitoring in OB/GYN when her mom is in the hospital. She almost caused major complications." Meredith told Cristina.  
"You were there, prevented her from killing a patient. So it's fine. I can't babysit them when I'm in surgery." Cristina shrugged. "If she isn't capable of setting her personal feelings aside, she shouldn't be a doctor."  
"Are you saying this to get back at me? I mean you already told me that I'm not good enough to be a surgeon. Are you trying to tell me that she's not good enough too?" Meredith asked angrily.  
"So you think this is about you and me?" Cristina laughed and shook her head.  
"No, I just wonder if you treat her like this because she's my sister. You should have put her on scut. It's what we do. And we don't do it to protect the intern, we do it to protect the patients. This isn't about you Cristina, this is about the pregnant woman up there, who almost got the wrong medication. You clocked 10 hours more than I did in the OR these past 4 days, you should have spent some of it to instruct your interns. I have to go." Meredith yelled and walked away.  
"Not everything is my fault, Meredith" Cristina yelled before back.

* * *

Meredith rushed into Susan's room after receiving a page from Lexie. The room was crowded with doctors when she arrived "What happened?"  
"She's septic. The sooner we can get her to an OR, the sooner we can help her. Let's move. Move." Richard told her and prepared the bed for transport.  
"Richard, what...what happened?" Thatcher asked in panic.  
"Extremely rare complication. Toxic mega colon with a perforation. Can you get your dad out of this room, please?" Richard asked Meredith.  
Thatcher got more nervous by the minute and Meredith tried to calm him down, but he kept asking "This fast? How could..."  
"Sometimes it progresses this rapidly. Very rarely, but sometimes. We booked an O.R." Richard explained and Thatcher got even more nervous.  
"You're going into surgery right now? I...I didn't sign a consent form." Thatcher stammered while Meredith and Lexie tried to hold him back, but he followed Susan through the hall to the elevator.  
Richard insisted and pushed the call button at the elevator. "She needs surgery right now, Thatcher. Not tomorrow, not later today. Right now."  
"Thatcher...I love you, don't worry." Susan told her husband to calm him down.  
"Honey, listen..." Thatcher tried to say something but the elevator doors closed before he finished.  
Meredith pulled Thatcher and Lexie back. "We need you to stay back, okay? I'm going to check on the progress and keep you informed."

As the anesthesiologist started to put Susan under, Meredith held her hand and tried to calm her down "You're gonna be okay. This happens. You're gonna be okay."

"Get away Grey, you are family." Dr. Bailey told her, but Meredith insisted on staying and holding Susan's hand for comfort. Meredith shivered when she heard the constant sound of the heart monitor.  
"We're losing her pulse she's coding." Richard said alerted and tried to get her back. They did everything they could, but could not save her. Meredith started to cry.  
As Meredith, Richard and Bailey walked into the hall she was trying hard to hold it together. Susan had always tried to be a mother to her, to make things right between her father and her, to support her after her mother had died. Meredith was sadder about Susan's death than she had been about her own mother's death. Ellis' death had been a relief, Ellis had been a shell of her former self since the Alzheimer had progressed, but Susan was in the middle of her live. She had wonderful life, she was a loving mom and a proud grandmother. It was devastating. When Lexie looked at her, she burst into tears she couldn't hold in her sorrow and desperation. She had been in the OR when Susan died, she had held her hand. "We...they did everything...they could."  
"You...you said it was really simple and that it was this...small thing." Thatcher said. He cover his mouth with his hand and started to cry. He broke down would have fallen if it wasn't for Lexie who managed to get a hold of him and release him onto a chair.  
"It was." Dr. Bailey said.  
Thatcher got back up and slapped Meredith all of a sudden and Lexie started to cry "She had the hiccups. She came here...Because...because she trusted you, us. I trusted you."  
Meredith froze for a second, but turned around and ran off, while her dad sat on the chair crying "She had the hiccups. Oh, god. The hiccups."

* * *

Nausea overcame Meredith all of a sudden. Susan was dead and was just able to run outside before she threw up in a bush.  
"Mer, are you okay?" Derek wondered. He had seen that she had ran outside and that she had thrown up.  
"It's the whole situation. I just can't handle it right now." Meredith cried in his arm.  
"Meredith, I'm so sorry, I never meant to pressure you into thinking about kids. It's something ordinary people discuss before they get married, but you are not ordinary, you are the most extraordinary person I ever met and I love you no matter what." He tried to comfort her. He thought that the baby drama that his mother had offset caused her little outbreak."  
Meredith shook her head and continued to cry. "It's not about babies. Derek, Susan is dead. She died on the table. It's all my fault I told them it'd be fine and now she isn't. Everyone I ever care about is leaving."  
"Meredith, I'm sure whatever happened in there, it's not your fault." Derek kissed her.  
"Thatcher is blaming me. Cristina is blaming me for being happy. Why does everyone keep blaming me?"Meredith cried and started to hyperventilate.  
"Meredith, calm down. Sometimes people die on our tables and we don't know why, it happens and there's nothing you can do about it. It's not your fault."Derek told her and cradled her head.  
"She's dead. I liked her and she's dead." Meredith told him.  
Derek nodded. "What happened? "  
"She came into the clinic the day your mother was here and complained about persistent hiccups. She said she wasn't able to sleep. They did an endoscopy so it would be an out-patient procedure. They wanted to avoid major surgery. Lexie is going to hate me she's going to hate me." Meredith explained calmly.  
"Why did she need need surgery when this was done endoscopically?" Derek wondered.  
"She got bacterial endocarditis. I'm toxic Derek, I'm toxic." Meredith continued.  
"Meredith, you can cry. Cry if you want to. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. I know you liked her, Meredith." Derek cradled her in his arms.  
Izzie approached from behind because she wanted to comfort Meredith after she had heard what happened from Dr. Bailey. Derek saw her and let go of Meredith. He was already late for his meeting "I have to go to my interview now, Izzie is here for you now and I'll be back for you after the interview."  
Izzie and Meredith sat down on a bench in front of the hospital. "Thatcher hit me and Lexie blames me for what happened to Susan. Cristina hates me."  
"Meredith, they are grieving I'm sure they didn't mean it. Your dad lost his wife, and Cristina, she lost Burke. Come here, you need a hug. You got me back up from the bath room floor, I'll be here for you now." Izzie hugged Meredith "You know that nothing that happened to Susan was your fault and Cristina shouldn't have said those things. It's fine. Everything will be okay."

* * *

"Derek, what's the matter? You seemed very distracted in there." Richard wondered after they both left the interview room. He had been a mess because he had thought about Meredith and Susan the entire time.  
"It's Meredith. I shouldn't have gone in there, Susan Grey died. I should have stayed with her. She liked Susan, a lot in fact, she was ready to let all of them be a part of her live and Thatcher blaming her, it's not fair. I shouldn't have put all this pressure on her about having a family." Derek started to explain.  
The Chief nodded. "Thatcher has always been a very emotional man, Derek."  
"I want to make things right, I want to give her everything. She deserves to have everything."  
"Do you want me to talk to the board about the circumstances? I'm sure they'll understand"  
Derek shook his head. "No, maybe it's for the better. Maybe I should wait and try to be a better person. A chief of surgery has to be there for every patient in the hospital. I shouldn't be it if I can't even be there for my wife in a moment like this."  
"Derek, don't beat yourself up over this. There's nothing you could have done."

* * *

It had started to rain a while ago. It was the normal Seattle rain that would just soak you within a few minutes if you stayed outside with no jacket, but Meredith didn't care. Susan was dead and that was all she could think about right now.  
"Meredith, I just wanted to make sure you are okay" a familiar voice told her.  
Meredith looked up and asked "Do I look fine?"  
"No" the person said.  
She couldn't decide whether it were rain or tears that were running down Meredith's face. Meredith screamed. "See, nothing about this is okay. I'm not okay. My dad blames me for killing his ex wife because I told her a laparoscopic approach was best and my sister hates me because I don't know, I really tried and she's a doctor, she should know those things happen."  
She just sat there for a second. "And do you know what's most tiring? Not being able to talk to my best friend. You shut me out."  
Cristina sat down next to her "Meredith, I'm here. You can cry. Here's my shoulder, cry. I can take it. I'm sorry about everything. I mean if you and McDreamy want to be together, I shouldn't be in your way. You're still a good surgeon, not as good as I am, but still good."  
"Thank you. " For the first time in an hour Meredith felt okay. She smiled and said "I missed you Cristina"  
"You did?" Cristina asked surprised.  
"Yes, Cristina, you are my person" Meredith stated.  
"What about Derek?"  
"He's the love of my life, yes, he is. I want to spend the rest of my life with him." Meredith looked at Cristina and smiled "But you, you get me, we fought but you are my person."

They sat next to each other in the rain for another while. "Want to talk about Burke now?" Meredith asked.  
"No. But I'll be fine. I will be fine. Eventually. Not today, not tomorrow, probably not next week, but I know this is the right thing to do, something I just have to move through on my own. You might be my person, but we can't breath for each other. I was angry for a long time, then depressed, but I think I can move on now." Cristina said and put her head on Meredith's shoulder.  
"Alright, I'm glad you're here, but go home tonight. It'll help." Meredith said with a warm smile on her face.


	42. Until I Get Caught Red Handed

_ Thanks for the reviews! _  
_A shorter chapter now! I'll try to put up one chapter a day until friday and there's going to be a short break after chapter 45...  
_

* * *

**Chapter 42 Until I Get Caught Red Handed**

There are many stages of grief. Acceptance is the last one. You continue with your life knowing that someone won't be there, you acknowledge the fact that they are no longer part of your life. When her mother had died, Meredith had moved on to acceptance quickly. Her mother had not been her mother for a very long time and death ended her suffering. Susan's death was harder to process. A week after Susan's tragic death Meredith had slowly gotten used to the idea that Susan was dead, that only a few month after her real mother had died, a person she had grown to like, even love, like a mother had died too. The funeral would be one opportunity to bring closure. It was still hard to face the reality that she was dead, but constant feeling of being miserable had eased a little bit. Susan was dead and there was nothing she could have done. But as saddening Susan's passing away was to her, it was devastating to her half sister. Lexie had been on scut for the entire week, but whenever she was on a break Meredith heard her yelling on the phone to her dad. It hurt to see her sister like this, but she wasn't sure whether she was the one that was able to get Lexie through this pain and grief.

Derek had helped her to get through the pain. They had talked about how he had lost his dad and how he had coped, she had opened up about her mother's disease and her death. They talked about death for hours and he had offered her to accompany her to the funeral multiple times, but it was something she had to do by herself. After an on call night shift at the hospital Meredith had changed into a plain black dress. She smiled when she met her husband in the elevator.  
"Hi." Meredith smiled  
"Hi." Derek answered and looked at her "Look, I... I know this is an...an impossible day for you. So...I'm just want to say one thing. I brought a black suit, just in case."  
"Thank you. But I think this is something I need to do by myself."  
His pager went off and he exited the elevator quickly, but turned around and managed to say "If you need me, just..." before the doors closed.

* * *

After Meredith exited the elevator on the ground floor Meredith saw her sister waiting in the lobby. She decided to approach Lexie to check on her. "Are you okay Lexie?"  
"Why are you asking me? Do you really think I'm okay?" Lexie started to shout. Heads turned and the majority of people in the lobby and the adjacent waiting areas were looking at them.  
"I wanted to check, Lexie. I know how great Susan was, how close you probably were. I really liked her. I probably liked her more than I liked my mom." Meredith admitted.  
"Did you?" Lexie wondered.  
"Well, my mom wasn't the motherly type. Your mom was. So are you okay, I mean, you are sad, obviously your mom died, Susan is dead, died from the side effects of a fricking endoscopic procedure. Who dies of that?" Meredith started to giggle hysterically.  
"Right, no one. It's bizarre. You die because someone put a tube down your throat." Lexie couldn't hold it together herself giggled too, but started to cry when she started the next sentence only a few seconds later. "We have patient who survive being run over by a truck or being decapitated and she dies from that. It's …"  
Meredith put her hand on Lexie's shoulder and added "not fair. "  
Lexie cried and nodded "Yeah, it's not fair."  
"Do you want a ride to the funeral?" Meredith asked.  
"No, it's fine, dad is picking me up."

After they got up Alex approached. "Meredith. Cristina told me you're here. There was a …"  
Meredith shook her head. She knew there was going to be some sort of emergency, but she wanted to be at Susan's funeral to say good bye and insisted "Alex, I gotta go."  
Alex nodded and saw Thatcher as he approached Lexie, Alex and Meredith from afar. "Your dad."  
"Hey. I...I...I was just on my way..." Meredith greeted him friendly, but his reaction shocked her.  
"No, I...I came here to tell you you're not wanted. I don't want you at any funeral, Meredith." He shouted and began to cause a scene.  
"Thatcher, why don't you come..." Richard Webber who had just walked through the lobby calmed him down.  
But Thatcher kept yelling "She trusted you! She came to you for help, and you killed her. You did. You killed my wife. You took her from me."  
Meredith and Alex remained in shock.  
Lexie tried to pull her father away "Dad! There was…."  
"So I don't...I don't want to see you. I don't want to hear from you, and I don't want you anywhere near her funeral. You understand me? Do you understand me?" Thatcher told Meredith loudly.  
Lexie was really uncomfortable and tried to make her father leave the lobby "Dad, dad, come on. This...Molly's waiting in the car. We have to go, dad. We have to go now."  
Thatcher kept looking at Meredith and cried "She was everything to me, all I had. She was all I had. She was all I had."

* * *

Meredith's stomach was unsettled once again. She looked at Thatcher for another few seconds and made a run for the next bath room before she threw up again. When she exited the lavatory Richard Webber was waiting for her."Meredith, are you okay?"  
"I'm obviously not okay. My biological father blames me for the death of his wife. He shows up at the hospital drunk and blames me. I mean, I get that he's sad. But it wasn't my fault. It wasn't my fault." Meredith said firmly. If it had been anyone but the Chief of surgery she would have yelled at them or burst out into tears, but she wanted to stay strong. The hospital lobby was not the place to start crying.  
"Has he been like that a lot since he died?" Richard asked quietly.  
"I don't know, you'd have to ask Lexie." Meredith told him.

* * *

Meredith went to the skills lab after the nurses had told her that she'd find Callie there. She needed to work to get through this hard day. "Callie, I'm here to work."  
Callie looked up from the model of a complicated tibia fracture "I thought you wanted to go to Susan Grey's funeral"  
Meredith nodded "I wanted to, but my dad told me I wasn't welcome, so I might as well stay here and work"  
"Want to fix some broken bones? It's a brilliant anger relief. You could scrub in with me." Callie told her as she fixed some of the fracture by crushing even more bone with a hammer.  
"I'm not angry, Callie. Are you?" Meredith giggled.  
The expression on Callie's face changed to pure anger "I am. "  
"There's a reason, is there?"  
"Yeah, George mentioned Izzie's name during sex and I'm just going to pretend that the next bone I saw in is hers. "  
"Have they met since he transferred?" Meredith wondered.  
"I don't know, I'm stuck in the hospital all day because I'm the fricking Chief resident." Callie said.  
Meredith watched Callie destroy the entire tibia bone with the hammer. "Alright, remind me not to get on the wrong side of you"  
"Fine Grey, Go to Peds. I'm sure Karev needs a hand."Callie smiled and got another tibia bone model out of the shelf.


	43. Walk The Line

_Sorry, I didn't get around to update yesterday, but here it is now..._

* * *

**Chapter 43 Walk The Line**

Pediatrics was one of Meredith's least favorite specialties but as she wasn't supposed to be in the hospital at all it was better than doing sutures in the pit. She didn't like to look at sick children and she didn't like to deal with most of the attending of the department. Dr. Miller was an accomplished surgeon in his late 50s, a know it all, a cocky person with a terrible sense for fashion. He had changed his workplace three times in the past two years and there was constant rumor about the circumstances of these changes. She knew that he had done his residency at Seattle Grace around the same time as her mother did hers. They had butted heads before when Meredith had witnessed how he dropped a retractor in the OR and she could feel that he clearly did not like her. She sensed that it was not a good day to be working under his service.  
He led her into the room of a ten year old girl. "This is Melissa Hunt. She had an appendectomy at Seattle Pres two weeks ago and is complaining about constant abdominal pain ever since. They told her she was fine, but her mom disagrees and brought her here. I need you to take her for a CT and run all necessary tests. You are in charge of this patient. Page one of the nurses if you are finished so we can schedule the surgery."  
"What if she needs surgery immediately?" Meredith wondered looking at Dr. Miller.  
"Oh, it's just healing pain, I'm sure. I'll be at lunch in an hour, so you better be quick." He smiled and left the room.

* * *

"This is all Derek's fault. If it wasn't for him, I'd have ignored her. I wouldn't have went to that stupid dinner at their house, I wouldn't have felt bad and I would have just ignored her. Lexie and I wouldn't have bounded and I wouldn't feel like this right now. I wouldn't feel so bad right now and I wouldn't have gotten this flu from sitting in the rain with Cristina." Meredith ranted to Alex while waiting for the results of the blood test.  
"Crap! Crap! Crap!" Meredith said looking at the results of the test. "Look at this Alex."  
"That kid needs surgery." Alex said. "Have you paged Dr. Miller?"  
"Yeah, Dr. Miller left me in charge of the patient and left to have lunch, dinner or whatever. He doesn't answer his page. What am I supposed to do?" Meredith wondered.  
"Page him again."

"I told the mom I paged him 10 minutes ago and she keeps insisting that Melissa needs surgery. She's a nurse, she knows he needs surgery immediately and I can't get a hold of the attending." Meredith told Alex who was studying the chart for a third time.  
"I'll page him, I've been on his service before." Alex said. He knew Dr. Miller was difficult to work with, but he had managed to be stay at the better side of him, but he didn't answer his page either. Five minutes later Meredith came back after talking to Melissa's mom. "Still no news?" she wondered looking at Alex.  
"No" he said. "We have to get her to the OR! Her vitals don't look good."  
"Page them, I'll get Bailey. We need to get him to surgery, I'll talk to the mom." Meredith told Alex.  
"We are going to be in trouble for this" Alex reminded her.  
"I know, but we are going to be in a lot more trouble if the girl dies and her stats are not likely to get better. If anything happens to her, that's on me right now. So I'm going to make the call to get her into the OR." Meredith insisted and hurried to the patient's room.

"Melissa needs surgery, this sort of abdominal pain is not normal." Melissa's mother told Meredith when she walked in.  
"I know and if I could perform this surgery on my own, I would. Sorry, Miss Hunt. I tried to get a hold of Dr. Miller, but he doesn't respond to his pages. I'm trying to get another surgeon who is authorized to perform this surgery." Meredith explained the situation. "Dr. Bailey is going to perform the surgery on your daughter and we get her to the OR now."

The surgery went well and they found the source of the pain. A sponge. They had left a sponge in there! Dr. Bailey was about to close the patient when Dr. Miller came in yelling "What do you think you are doing here?"  
"Saving the patient's live." Dr. Bailey said and Meredith added "You didn't respond to your page. I paged you multiple times. You didn't answer."  
Dr. Miller was in a rage "This is unbelievable. You can't take over surgeries like this, I'm going to report this to the Chief. You cannot page me if I'm having dinner at the bellavita. Have you ever tasted their tiramisu?"  
Dr. Bailey remained calm, but interrupted his rant asking "Do you know the five rules for interns Dr. Miller?" Dr. Miller looked puzzled.  
"Tell me rule number 2, Dr. Grey" Bailey told Meredith in a more friendly tone.  
"Answer every page at a run." Meredith smirked.  
"Did you, Dr. Miller?" Dr. Bailey wondered.  
"No I'm an attending. I had lunch. I'm going to have you suspended, Dr. Karev and Ms Grey fired. Just because she's Ellis Grey's daughter doesn't mean you can run around the hospital and book ORs and schedule surgeries as you please" Dr. Miller yelled and Bailey and her former interns exchanged puzzled looks.

* * *

Derek found Meredith vomiting into one of the bushes in front of the hospital. "Are you okay, Meredith?"  
"No Derek, I'm not okay. Susan is dead, Thatcher blames me, Bailey and I saved a little girl and Dr. Miller wants to get us suspended for it. And my father told me to stay away from Susan's funeral." Meredith said nervously.  
"Why?" Derek wondered and hugged his wife.  
"Little girl in peds, Miller told me to examine her, run the tests, when the results came back it was clear that she needed surgery immediately, her stats were through the roof, so I paged Miller for like 20 minutes. He didn't answer so Alex and I paged Bailey and scrubbed in with her. We were almost finished when he walked in and was mad." Meredith explained.  
"It's going to be fine, Richard will understand." He told her.  
"God, I hate this day. Why is family so messy?" Meredith asked Derek and put her head on his chest for comfort.  
His eyes started to sparkle when he began to talk about his family. "because the payoff is so great, you might not have experienced this because you never had a family, but it's great. They are the people you can still go to if you are in deep shit trouble or pain, they catch you and I want you to have that. To have someone you can go to, I want to be that person to you and I want you to have that when I'm gone, I don't ever want you to be alone. I want you to have a family because you are amazing and you deserve a family. People you can count on no matter what. My sisters and I give each other crap all the time, but we are there for each other if it matters."  
"We'd make beautiful babies." Meredith giggled. "They'd have Alzheimer, but they'd be pretty"  
"Want to start now." Derek asked flirtatiously.  
"Derek, we are at work and we talked about this and hospitals are the place to have a child, not to conceive it." Meredith told him and gave him a little stare.  
"We could find an empty on call room and practice for a while." He begged.  
"I don't think we need to practice. You know what you are doing." Meredith laughed.  
"I know, but it's fun - this practicing." He whispered into her ear.  
"You are unbelievable and I have to go. Chief's office." Meredith insisted after she looked at her pager.

* * *

When Meredith entered the Chief's office Karev, Bailey, Dr. Miller and Chief Webber were already waiting for her. "Dr. Grey, Dr. Miller has just consulted me and said you took one of his patients to the OR without consulting him, can you explain this to me?"  
Meredith knew she had to be confident, so she elaborated her professional opinion I did, but I would have consulted him if he would have answered my page."  
"The kid didn't need surgery immediately." Dr. Miller insisted  
"3 surgeons disagreed. I consulted Dr. Karev and Dr. Bailey. They saw the charts and the girl. They agreed. Melissa needed surgery immediately." Meredith insisted and explained all the details.  
Richard nodded and asked Dr. Miller to leave the room. "Alright, Dr. Miller, you can go now, I'm going to take care of the situation. Dr. Bailey, Dr. Karev, please wait in front of my office for a few minutes."

"Meredith, I'm going to pretend to yell at you now, so look scared and offended." Webber told her and started to yell  
"You did what any sane person would do, there are going to be no consequences because I had a look at the charts and I agree with the decision you made. He left you in charge, it was your call, you did nothing wrong. You are not going to be on his service any more, but I think you can live with that and we have a new pediatrics attending coming here in a few weeks, so it's not too bad. Same goes for Dr. Karev." Meredith put on the most terrified and angry face she could think off and mumbled "Thank you, Chief." before she exited his office.

* * *

"Are you off the hook?" Derek asked when a smiling Meredith came through his office door.  
"I am, how do you know?" Meredith wondered as she sat down next to him.  
"You are smiling." Derek said and replicated her smile-  
"and, Derek, I do have a family. Izzie, Alex, Cristina and you, you are my family. And Lexie isn't too bad either. A year ago I had my mom, and now you are here and it's amazing." Meredith told him. "We give each other crap, but we are there for each other when it matters."  
"Any word about who is going to be Chief?"  
"No, it hasn't been decided yet. You'll just have to wait." Derek told her "But patience has never been your strong side"  
"Hence the marriage hours after we met" Meredith laughed.  
"Want to scrub in on a craniotomy?" Derek asked casually.  
"No, Bailey asked me to scrub in with her." Meredith declined his offer.  
"You blow me off for Bailey." He said and pretended to be disappointed.  
"I don't, she asked me first and she saved that little girl today and we want to talk about Dr. Miller. See you at home." Meredith got up, waved goodbye and exited the room.

* * *

After her surgery with Bailey Meredith and Cristina met in the deserted hallway to talk. It had been a while since they got to do it. "George screamed Izzie's name during sex."Meredith blurred out as she arrived.  
"He screamed Izzie while doing Callie, man" Cristina repeated.  
"That's what Callie told me." Meredith nodded.

"Is she going to leave him?" Cristina wondered. "Man, we Seattle Grace residents have some track record when it comes to marital drama."  
"I don't know, she was angry, destroying cement bones with a hammer." Meredith explained. "Really scary"  
"George is an idiot." Cristina concluded.  
"He is" Meredith agreed. She immediately remembered the conversation in the car on the way to the wedding. Callie had been determined to make things work, but it seemed like there was a connection between Izzie and George that their marriage couldn't overcome.  
"I miss having sex" Cristina said as she grabbed another granola bar.  
"Well, I have great sex." Meredith said with a big smile on her face.  
"Don't brag, Meredith, don't brag"  
"It's really good."Meredith kept smiling.  
"Meredith, if you don't want me to explore how this fork looks in your neck, you better shut up right now." Cristina threatened looking in Meredith's eyes.  
"Alright, I'm going to head home before that happens. Have fun." Meredith told Cristina before she left the hospital.


	44. Perfect Little Accident

**Chapter 44 Perfect Little Accident**

Meredith felt better the next morning. Derek's warm body next to hers made her feel like she was safe. Derek had been home late last night, so she decided to let him sleep and head straight to the hospital instead. She continued her OB/Gyn rotation today and needed to do pre rounds on most patients before Addison got there. Preparation was essential to being a good surgeon and to avoiding C sections and monitoring the progression of natural births.

"Congratulations, Meredith" Dr. Webber smiled when Meredith walked into him at the hall.  
"What do you mean?" Meredith wondered. There wasn't anything she could think of that would warrant a congratulation.  
"The board offered Derek the job. He's going to be the next Chief of surgery." Richard told her.  
"He hasn't told me anything." Meredith admitted.  
"Oh, I thought you would have planned something special for tonight. It's a good occasion to celebrate. "Richard continued.  
"I'm on call tonight. So there's not going to be much celebrating. Babies don't stick to daylight hours to be born, so I'm probably going to be busy." Meredith said regretful "How are things going with Adele?"  
Richard smiled "Great, I enjoy spending time with her. It's going to be great to finally be able to go on holidays with her and to leave the hospital before midnight."  
"I'd like to know what that is like myself." Meredith laughed.

"Have you talked to your sister?" Richard wondered.  
"No, she's off today and I haven't seen her since, well, Thatcher told me not to go to the funeral." Meredith told him.  
"I'm worried about him. Normal people don't show up drunk for their wife's funeral. It's easy to lose yourself. I drank a lot after your mother left." Richard stated quietly.  
"My mother has this effect on people." Meredith smirked.  
"Anyway, it's easy to drown your liver in liquor. One of you should look out for him. "  
"You are asking the daughter he hit to look out for him? My sister might be the better option here. I had only just decided to give him a chance to get to know me, but after this my shrink is going to be happy about the extra appointments I need." Meredith laughed.  
"Anyway, Meredith, I have a bad feeling about this. You and Lexie should look out for him." Dr. Webber reminded her "He really needs someone. It's devastating to lose the love of your life.  
"Do you think he's an alcoholic? I mean it could be grief. I drank a lot after mom died." Meredith tried to bargain.  
"I don't know Meredith. I knew Thatcher for a very long time. I've never seen him like this. You don't go to a funeral drunk. When your mother left Seattle, I started to drink and I didn't stop until it was almost too late. Adele got me out of it, she made me go to meetings, she forced me to go to rehab. I've been sober ever since. You should look after him. He needs support right now."  
"I don't think I can do that, you heard what he told me." Meredith told him and turned around.  
"Two drinks less and he would have told you that you are the daughter he dreamt of having." Richard said louder as she walked away.  
"I doubt it. I… I have to go back to work." Meredith apologized and went to the OB/Gyn wing. "I don't want to talk about this. It' none of your business! Just because you broke off my parent's marriage doesn't mean you can walk into my personal life and interrogate me about this. Back off! Don't interfere in this again!"

* * *

The rounds didn't go as Meredith had expected them to go. When she smelled a patient's perfume she got nauseous and turned around to puke in a bin.  
"Dr. Grey, are you alright?" Addison wondered after she had finished to examine the patient.  
"Yes, it's just a bug." Meredith tried to reassure herself, but Addison had seen enough symptoms to jump to a different conclusion.  
"Ginger ale helps me. I can give you one of my bottles if you want." Addison offered as little advice.  
"I'm not, hold on, are you? I can't be. But you are." Meredith started to ramble. Her thoughts were way fast than her tongue.  
"Dr. Grey, you are very emotional, you started crying in the NICU for no good reason a few days ago, you experienced frequent nausea throughout the last few days and as an OB/GYN I'm inclined to assume that you are pregnant. I'm around pregnant women a lot." Addison summarized her observations. The realization hit her like a bus. She had been an emotional mess for a while now. She had thought it was because of the confrontation with her father, Susan's death and her fight with Cristina, but the nausea added on top of the emotionality could mean that she hadn't just caught a bug.  
"I'm not, hold on, crap, I might actually be." Meredith stuttered. It was a likely possibility. She thought about the last time she had used tampons, but she couldn't remember. It had been too long ago. She was. She was pregnant.  
"Want a bottle?" Addison offered and showed her a bottle of ginger ale in her lab coat pocket.  
"Yes, please." Meredith accepted and opened the bottle carefully.  
"Let me get you into an exam room. Do you want me to page Derek?" Addison asked her.  
"No, it's fine. I mean you find out who's going to be Chief today, he's busy enough." Meredith answered.

"You are about five maybe six weeks along. Congratulations. The baby looks fine." Addison told Meredith after checking the ultrasound. "I'm going to give you a prescription for prenatal vitamins and tell Cathy to schedule another appointment in six to seven weeks."  
"Carolyn was right. I'm pregnant." Meredith breathed out.  
"Derek's mom knew before you did?" Addison laughed.  
"Yes" Meredith nodded.  
"I'm not surprised. It freaked Nancy out, she still doesn't know how her mom is doing it. Her mom knew before her the first time she was pregnant. Nancy called me after her mom had told her and asked me whether I thought it was possible and if she should do a pregnancy test. It was really funny. She freaked out." Addison told her with a sympathetic look on her face.  
"I wouldn't have thought that she is be someone who is freaked out by something like this." Meredith was really surprised.  
"That's because you've only seen her lying on a bed and assumed that she was sleeping with your husband. You didn't get much of a chance to talk to her." Addison laughed.  
"You know about this?" Meredith asked with an embarrassed look on her face.  
"Grey, I hate to break it to you, but everyone knows about it. " Addison said truthfully. "and Nancy gave me a quite detailed report about what happened at the trailer."  
"I figured." Meredith nodded.  
"Are you okay? I mean, you are a resident and I'm just going to assume it wasn't planned." Addison wondered.  
"I'm fine and yeah, I'm quite surprised. But it's fine. I think, I'll have to talk to Derek about it." Meredith babbled looking at Addison "Please don't tell anyone."  
"You know I can't. But I have to ask you to do the same." Addison told her ex husband's wife. "It's funny Grey. A year ago Derek and I were in the middle of our divorce and now we are both going to be parents. It's kind of funny how life works."  
"I was screwing boys like whores on tequila a year ago and it's pretty much what got me into this mess in the first place." Meredith laughed.

"Karev, you have to cover for Grey tonight. She has a fever and needs to rest tonight." Addison ordered when she spotted Alex in the hall.  
"Alright." Alex nodded without further questioning.  
"You can't lie to Alex" Meredith whispered to Addison.  
"I can, I'm an attending and as your OB/Gyn I tell you to have a good night sleep after all the stress of these past few days." Addison replied. "How's the morning sickness, Dr. Grey?"  
"The meds are starting to help. I haven't puked since I took them about 30 minutes ago." Meredith laughed.  
"Good. So how is the father going to react, you are going to tell him, right?" Addison continued to interrogate her which made her uncomfortable.  
"I will." She tried to brush it off. She did not want to discuss her unplanned pregnancy with her husband's pregnant ex wife.  
"It's kind of weird, he never wanted to have kids with me and now we are both going to be parents." Addison said thinking out loud.  
Meredith did not know how to respond to this. Why had he told her that he wanted to have all those things when he never wanted them with Addison?  
"Anyway, I have an interesting case for you today. Here's the chart, you've seen the patient, research the procedure, go to the skills lab. I want you to scrub in with me." Addison told her, handed over the chart and walked away.

* * *

Meredith sat in the skills lab with a jello belly model practicing how to insert the tubes into a pregnant woman's belly laparoscopically. She was concentrated on her work when she heard somebody coming in. "How's my wife?" Derek asked with a smile on his face and a bottle of ginger ale in his hand.  
"Fine. But you don't have to check on me. I'm not a patient." Meredith dismissed his advances and tried to focus on the jello in front of her. She wasn't ready to tell him.  
"But I want to ensure that you get the best care possible. Addison told me to bring this to you. Are you alright?" he said in his typical charming voice. Did Addison tell him, she wondered.  
"Why don't you go and take care of your patients?" she smiled.  
"My wife is blowing me off" he said pretending to be disappointed.  
"The resident is insisting that the attending is doing his work" Meredith told him as she tried to move an instrument through the tube she had just inserted.  
"The resident has no right to do so" Derek reminded her.  
"Well, in that case it's the wife telling her husband to go back to work" Meredith told him and looked at the door. She was not ready to tell him yet.  
"You're bossy, I like it" Derek said leaving the room. "I love you"

* * *

"Why is Shepherd bringing you fruit and a bottle of ginger ale?" Cristina asked when she entered the room 20 seconds later.  
"Because my husband is nuts." Meredith smirked and wondered what Addison had told him.  
"I knew that way before you did. So what are you up to there anyway? Why are you poking through jelly with a tube?" Cristina wondered.  
"Neonatal surgery with Dr. Montgomery." Meredith explained. "We are going to fix the babies heart defect while he is still in his mother's womb"  
"Alright, you seemed to be getting a lot of interesting surgeries on that rotation." Cristina noted. It was true, but she had been on OB/Gyn rotation and those were the procedures Dr. Montgomery performed during that time.  
"What are you trying to suggest?" Meredith wondered.  
"Well, she seems to like you or she's feeling guilty or you know something about her that nobody else does."  
"You are going to find out soon enough. Maybe it's because I'm an incredibly capable resident. You never know" Meredith smiled and got back to work on the model.  
"Anyway, I have heart valve to fix" Cristina excused herself and left the room.


	45. Simple Song

_Second chapter for the day...so if you haven't read it yet, go back now before you read this one! _

_last chapter in a while... __hope you enjoy it!_

* * *

**Chapter 45 Simple Song**

Meredith spent the night alone. Derek was on call and she needed time to herself. She needed time to think and Derek's trailer was the perfect place to do so. He was in the OR when she left and was going to sleep in the hospital, so he wouldn't notice if she didn't sleep at home. There was a baby inside of her. A baby! She sat down on a meadow near the trailer with a blanket. She was able to look all over Seattle from here. It was the most beautiful view of Seattle she could think of. It could have been the best moment of the week, if there wasn't a baby to think about. Meredith didn't know how to tell Derek or when, she didn't know if she could be a mother, if she had what it takes to be a mother. Her mother's parental skills were inapt to say the least and her father had left her. Loneliness was the persistent feeling throughout her childhood. _"But you would have a choice. You can choose to raise your kids differently if you decide to have children and you would have the support of your husband."_ Dr. Wyatt's words echoed in her mind. "_You love my son and he loves you. I've never seen him like this. You are going to be a great mom, because you care. You want your kids to be fine and that's all it takes. Wanting to have the best for your kids." _Carolyn had told her. But was she? She lay in the grass an looked up at the night sky when she whispered I love you into the sky.  
"Do you know what happened a few months ago, baby?" she talked to her belly "I was confused and hurt and I went to Vegas to forget about my problems. I drank a lot of tequila, too much in fact, way too much tequila and I met your daddy. I didn't know he was going to be your daddy back then and I don't remember much about the night we met either, and I ran. I ran fast, got a taxi to the airport and took the first flight back to Seattle. I thought he was just like a bad dream that never existed, but the ring on my finger proved otherwise." She couldn't outrun her problems.

After a while she took her blanket and went to bed in the trailer as she was getting cold. Lying there she kept talking to the baby. It was comforting to talk to the baby and the longer she talked to embryo inside her, the happier she felt. "But I tried to avoid it and six weeks later he showed up here. He is my boss and I had a hard time accepting that I had married my boss, someone who is working at the hospital, because when my mom, your grandma, who is dead now, had an affair with someone at the hospital it ruined my whole childhood. Anyway, I ran and ran, but your dad is very patient, he kept following me, chasing me until I gave in, we went on a date, I kissed him in an elevator and he turned out to be dreamy, very dreamy, too dreamy in fact. And now he did do this to me. Do you understand? It's his fault you are here and I'm pretty sure you were conceived just a few meters away from where I am sitting right now. He makes me happy, and you being born is going to make him happy and if he is happy I am happy, so I guess you being born is going to make me happy too. But please forgive me if I screw up, I know I will because I always do, but I will try my best. So be a good baby and please stop to make me feel nauseous every morning because I need to work." She fell asleep and drove to work the next morning. She wondered whether she should have told Derek where she had been, but he hadn't told her about becoming Chief of surgery either. When she arrived at the hospital parking lot she concluded that it was better the way she did it. She had come to terms with expecting a baby and she was truly looking forward to it after last night.

* * *

Meredith went through the hospital lobby with a smile on her face and took the elevator to the resident locker room. She changed into her scrubs and drank ginger ale before putting the rest of the bottle into the locker. She walked out and took a deep breath. "Lexie, I'm glad you're back in the game." Meredith said when she spotted her sister in the hall.  
"I'm glad I finally got to leave the house to go to work." Lexie told her. Her face looked tired and exhausted, but she seemed to be relieved to be back in the hospital her mother died in.  
"Cristina is going to have you on SCUT for a while, so you shouldn't get too enthusiastic about this." Meredith told her.  
"Mer, it's horrible at home, I don't want to talk about it." Lexie said defensively.  
Meredith nodded "Okay, than let's not talk about it. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss and that I'm here if you want to talk."

Meredith knew it needed more than this to bond with Lexie, but she wasn't sure whether it would be the right move. But she'd never find out unless she tried. It was all about committing to one alternative, so she grabbed Lexie and pulled her into a supply closet.  
"I'm fine Meredith, I don't need a babysitter" Lexie insisted  
Meredith smiled "I want to show you something, but you have to promise not to tell anyone. Derek doesn't know yet, so you have to keep quiet about it. I don't want the entire hospital to know about it yet because it's actually too early to tell people really and maybe it's super inappropriate now because of Susan's death, but I'm not good at those family things, so I don't really know."  
"Mer? You are rambling." Lexie interrupted her sister.  
"Right, sorry. Here. I meant to show you this." Meredith smiled and showed her the ultrasound picture.  
"Is this yours?" Lexie smiled and looked happy.  
"Yes." Meredith nodded and a smile appeared on her face.  
Lexie reacted in a way Meredith had not expected, she was ecstatic. "O my god, Mer, that's great. I'm going to be an aunt again. You just made my day. Honestly, this is the best thing I heard, well, since Molly had her baby, but this is great."  
"Quiet Lexie, I only found out yesterday and I don't need the whole hospital to find out about it before I tell the baby daddy." Meredith asked her sister.  
"I'm the first to know?" Lexie asked surprised.  
"Yes. Well Addison knows, but she sort of diagnosed me."  
"What happened?" Lexie wondered.  
"I puked into a bin when we were on rounds." Meredith laughed.  
"And nobody got suspicious? "  
"Well my dad slapped me in the lobby the day before. I'm entitled to a little bit of anxiety, aren't I?"

* * *

When Meredith came home from work in the evening Derek was waiting for her in the kitchen with a bunch of papers in front of him "Meredith, I have to talk to you about something. The lawyer just sent it and I need you to have a look at it." Derek told her when she came into the kitchen.  
"Derek, I get it, you made a huge commitment without really knowing me, now you have a whole lot of responsibility and you want to make sure that your assets are protected. My lawyer did all that crap when my mom signed over her power of attorney to me. I can sign the prenup, it's not a problem." Meredith told him. "Just tell me where and I'll sign it right now."  
"I don't want you to sign a prenup." Derek stated confused. He had never thought about a prenup and they had not talked about their financial assets yet, but it was something that he was not concerned about anyway.  
"So what's the lawyer thing about?" Meredith wondered.  
"Healthcare proxy, living will and I got a planning permission. The blueprints for the house are in my office. I want to start to build it." Derek explained. "Mark loves it. He wanted me to get an extension so Addison and he could take over three bedrooms for themselves."  
"You said you were able to wait until I'm ready." Meredith looked at him surprised, but a house wouldn't be too bad considering the news she had for him.  
Derek smiled and looked at her "I did, but every time I look at you, I just want to rush to the finish line. I want you to have everything, Meredith, because you are everything. I can't live without you."  
"You don't have to." Meredith replied.  
"Meredith, I meant it. We made vows. Till death do us part." He insisted and his blue eyes looked into her green eyes.  
"Well this one gets old after the first divorce. Addison's not dead, pretty alive actually, I saw her today." Meredith smirked.  
"She isn't dead" Derek admitted "but that's beside the point. I love you."  
"Can I have a look at the plans?" Meredith wondered.  
"I sort of forgot them in my office." Derek laughed "But you can look at them tomorrow"  
"You can't be serious. But please tell me, why now?" Meredith wondered "Has Addison talked to you?"  
"After mom came over I just knew that I want you to have everything and I just know that we are going to love this house, each other, our kids. I love the tranquility out there, I love the singing of the birds and the whistling of the wind in the trees. I enjoy spending an entire day on our little lake. It's the perfect place to start a family." He smiled.  
"But you are Chief now, and you won't have time and it's easier if we…" Meredith said puzzled. She meant to say "…just stay here", but Derek interrupted her.  
"Meredith, shut up, I'm not breaking up with you, I don't want a prenup and you are going to move into that house with me once it's finished. I'm not going to be Chief." Derek told her. He was insistent.  
"But Richard told me they offered you the job." Meredith replied confused.  
Derek nodded and started to elaborate his decision "I didn't accept it. I don't want to spend more than 6 working hours a day outside the OR going over some stupid budget. I want to save lives, I want to operate on inoperable tumors, I want to spend time with my wife and I want to build us a beautiful house on my land. I wanted to show you the blueprints I ordered, but I forgot them in my office."  
"You want to build us a house." Meredith repeated.  
Derek kissed her "Yes, on my land, our land. You love it out there, and I love it there and I love you and you love me and that's all that matters."  
"I… Derek… I… " Meredith stuttered. She was really emotional and wanted to cry. Stupid hormones she thought to herself.

"Do you know who is going to be Chief now? Addison and Mark declined the offer from some reason too. She wouldn't tell me." Derek wondered.  
"I don't know but I might why they declined…" Meredith said almost silently.  
"Do you know?"  
"Well, you don't, but I think I know. They need a lot of free time next year, so it wouldn't be wise to accept a position like that." Meredith smiled. She knew she had promised Addison not to tell anyone, so she needed to be secretive.  
"I don't understand what you are trying to tell me." Derek asked confused.  
"That's because you are a stupid brain man, a handsome one, but you are stupid sometimes." Meredith smirked.  
"Addison used to call me stupid brain man." Derek replied.

Meredith smirked. "Well, that's just another thing we have in common, besides being married to you or having been married to you or whatever. And she is a very good surgeon."  
"Are you telling me what I think you are telling me?" Derek asked. "You befriended my ex wife?"  
"I don't know what you think that I'm going to tell you." Meredith answered.  
"You are going to pick OB/Gyn and Neonatal care as a specialty and she's going to mentor you. You are going to spend a lot of time with my ex wife" Derek stated and Meredith burst out laughing.  
"Derek, you really are a stupid brain man. I mean I like babies, but I hate pregnant women and the moaning and whining. I couldn't have them around for several hours a day. Babies are cute. I almost adopted a little premie the other day. He was left by his mama and he is just so adorable. Stupid hormones! Addison is having a baby."  
"So that's why she and Mark declined Chief of surgery." Derek concluded.  
"Yes, I guess it is. I mean that's how it sounded like when I talked to her about kids yesterday." Meredith nodded.  
"You talked to Addison about kids?" Derek wondered.  
"You didn't know she is pregnant? I thought Mark would have told you." Meredith wondered. "You can't tell anybody. I promised her."  
"Well it seems there are a lot of things we are not telling each other these days. I never told him your name before I came to Seattle." Derek stated and asked "So you and Addison talked about babies?"  
"I'm on her service, she's an OB/Gyn, we talk about babies all day." Meredith answered with a smile on her face wondering when he would finally get what she was trying to tell him all along.  
"Yeah, that makes sense." He nodded and poured himself another glass of wine and brought one for Meredith as well.

"I can't drink this" Meredith noted.  
"Are you on call? If you are only in tomorrow morning one glass won't hurt."  
"Derek, I CAN NOT drink this." Meredith rolled her eyes and waited for a reply "Come on, Derek, do I have to spell this out for you? I am pregnant, too. That's why Addison talked to me about it, She offered me ginger ale for my morning sickness. Addison is the one who found out. I don't know how it happened or when. Well, technically I know when because I can do the maths, but I don't know why. We are practically a walking condom ad."  
"Meredith, you're rambling and this is, this is fantastic. I love you and we are going to have a baby. When did you find out? How far along are you?"  
"I'm 6 weeks pregnant. And I found out yesterday, well Addison sort of found out when I puked into a bin when we were on rounds." Meredith continued to talk very quickly.  
"You puked into a bin? I'm surprised the nurses haven't been gossiping about it." Derek wondered amused.  
"Shut up. I'm a rambling pregnant mess." Meredith said glancing at him.  
"and I love my pregnant mess" he smirked "So my mother was right?"  
"I guess." Meredith admitted.  
"and you are happy? I mean a week ago you were freaking out about the idea of a child and now you're pregnant." He asked carefully.  
"But I have a choice" Meredith said remembering what Dr. Wyatt had told her in therapy.  
"You want to get an abortion?" Derek wondered.  
"No, I didn't say that, I have a choice. I can choose how I want to raise my child. It's what my shrink says anyway" Meredith said. "I don't have to be like my mother"  
"You told your shrink about your pregnancy before you told me?"Derek asked.  
"No, not yet. I talked to her about the possibility of having a child when your mother was here. But I think that what she said about hypothetical children applies to real, non hypothetical children as well. That woman is going to be rich when I'm finished with therapy." Meredith explained.  
"Good thing, you have a rich husband who can pay." Derek laughed.  
"Anyway, we are having a baby" Meredith told him with a big smile on her face.  
"We are, we are having a baby" he replied, hugged her and lifted her up. "We are having a baby. Want to make another one right now?"  
"I'm pretty sure that this is not how it works" Meredith laughed.


	46. Can't Get You Out Of My Head

_A sneak peek to make things easier... last season of "Remembering an forgetting"… Meredith and Derek deal with her pregnancy and the prospect of becoming a parent, work together at the hospital closely, meet important people who crossed their ways in the past, you get to see how they spend their first Christmas as a happy couple… so have fun…_

* * *

**Chapter 46 Can't Get You Out Of My Head**

When Meredith walked into the hospital the next morning everything felt different. Nothing had changed, but it felt different. She was pregnant and she was looking forward to being a mom, yet she could not tell everyone because it was too early. "Have you talked to him?" Lexie wondered when she met Meredith in the lobby the morning.  
"Yeah, talked to him last night and to my stomach the night before." Meredith laughed.  
"Talked about what?" she heard someone behind her ask.  
"Nothing." Both Meredith and Lexie said at the same time. This was suspicious!  
Cristina looked at Meredith "What is she talking about?"  
Meredith didn't know how to react and said "Family business". Family business was pretty much everything Lexie had been up to since her mother died, so it was a believable realistic explanation

They walked to the resident locker room together. "Alright. Any interesting cases today?" Cristina wondered.  
"No. Last day of OB. I don't think Dr. Montgomery let's me scrub in on the prenatal heart surgery. Cardio's next." Meredith said unenthusiastically "What about you?"  
"I'm on cardio, there's always something interesting." Cristina said content.  
"Good for you. Which specialty is next?" Meredith wondered.  
"Peds." Cristina said and walked away.  
"Dr. Miller is an ass." Izzie exclaimed. "He always makes inappropriate jokes about female surgeons."  
"We know" Meredith laughed. "You just have to piss him off enough to make him kick you off his service, worked for me and Alex."  
"I'd get fired for it, you get kicked off his service because Webber… nevermind" Izzie interrupted Meredith and left the room in a hurry.

Lexie was looking at Meredith and wondered "You're not going to tell her?"  
"No, not yet, it's too early. I'm going to tell her at the end of the first trimester." Meredith explained. She knew Cristina didn't want children and she didn't want to discuss the consequences of having a baby on her residency. "So how is dad?"  
"Truth? He's drinking and by now I think I have picked him up from the floor of every bar in Seattle. I can't handle it. It's like he died with her because this guy isn't our dad." Lexie said with a sad look on her eyes.  
"Your dad." Meredith corrected her.  
"He's your dad too." Lexie insisted.  
Meredith took a deep breath and tried to explain. "No, he's your dad. My dad left me when I was 5 years old and never took care of me again. He didn't show up for school plays or dance recitals or graduation. Does this sound anything like your dad?"  
Lexie looked sadder than before and sighed "No". Thatcher had never been the villain in her story, yet for Meredith he was.  
"Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I'm not going to be there for you, but I think I can't be the one who can put him back together. You saw what happened the last time I tried to comfort him." Meredith tried to explain.  
Lexie had tears in her eyes "It sucks. Three months ago I was going to be working at Mass Gen, but then I met you and thought it would be nice to work with my sister. I had a mom and a dad and then she gets the hiccups and dies and all I have left is the shell of my dad. It's like he ceased to exist with her and it's just so frustrating. I just want to have my dad back."  
Meredith hugged her sister and tried to comfort her instinctively "It's going to be alright." After a few seconds she started to feel awkward and let go.  
"When did you become so optimistic?" Lexie wondered with tears running down her face.  
"I don't know." Meredith said truthfully. "Maybe I'm not dark and twisty anymore"

* * *

Meanwhile Derek saw Mark eating his breakfast in the attendings lounge. "I hear congratulations are in order." Derek told Mark. He shrugged for a moment. Derek couldn't know about Addison's pregnancy as they had agreed to wait before telling anyone, how could Derek know?  
"What? How do you know?" Mark wondered  
"My wife told me." Derek laughed.  
"How does your wife know?" Mark asked and eyed him suspiciously.  
"Your girlfriend told her." Derek said trying to look as serious as possible.  
"I'm confused. Why would my girlfriend tell your wife about her pregnancy?" Mark looked at Derek who couldn't control his face and grinned the entire time.  
"Because your girlfriend told my wife about her pregnancy. "  
"Now, I'm even more confused." Mark shook his head and looked at Derek.  
"My wife is pregnant too." Derek said and both of them started to laugh.  
"You can't do one thing without me." Mark smirked.  
"Well, I did. At least I hope that you haven't been involved in my wife's pregnancy." Derek joked.  
"Oh, no. How far along is she?" Mark asked in a more serious tone.  
"6 weeks. How far along is Addison?" Derek answered.  
"8 weeks." Mark replied in a similar matter "Mom's going to love this. I'm sure she's going to be back in Seattle when her two sons become fathers. Want to bet on who gets out of the delivery room first?"  
"I'm not going to place a bet on that Mark. Especially if my ex wife is having my best friend's baby." Derek insisted and wondered "Was it a planned pregnancy? Addison never wanted kids"  
"because your kids wouldn't have been as good looking as our kids. No it wasn't." Mark said and looked at Derek "Did you plan it?"  
"No." Derek laughed. "Nancy is going to love hearing about this."

* * *

Meredith was in the middle of a delivery when a patient suddenly started to yell "Brain tumor" into the video camera her husband held. Meredith was neuro deprived after some time on Dr. Montgomery's service and decided to take the husband out for a conversation after the baby was delivered. "Sir, I might be overstepping, but I heard your wife yelling brain tumor in there."  
"She has an inoperable malignant glioma. The doctors said she has two years." The husband explained. "There's not much hope, but we are trying to make the best of it"  
"Could I have a look at her scans ?" Meredith asked curiously.  
"Listen, I'm sure you are competent, but we've been to ten specialists and neither of them wanted to go anywhere near this tumor. I don't think there's a chance. They all say that it's way too big to operate on." The husband told her. "You should find her scans somewhere in the file."

After Meredith managed to get the scans she decided to discuss a treatment option with the husband. "There are animal studies that have had some successes with the injecting of a virus into the tumor in order to shrink it."  
"Animal studies? Do you know how crazy that sounds like" The husband looked at her in disbelieve.  
"I'm aware, but it's a chance. I mean it would be a chance. If the injection is successful she'd see her son grow up, she'd be able to go to soccer practice, to school plays, she'd see him graduate." Meredith tried to make him more sympathetic towards the proposed procedure, but was interrupted by the beeping sound of her pager "Excuse me, I have a 911 page from the ER."

* * *

Meredith came running into the ER, where she found Alex in front of a closed curtain "What?" she asked.  
Alex opened the curtain and tried to explain "He's drunk, he's noisy, and you need to take him off my han. I have a broken ass I have to get back to."  
"Call Lexie." Meredith insisted. She wasn't ready to talk to father after their last encounter in the hospital lobby.  
"I called Lexie. She's not coming. And the next person I'm going to call is the cops. Cause the guy's ready to get out of here, and there's no way he can drive." Alex told her unsympathetically "I had to clean up after my dad since I was 7, you two can be glad that you are in your twenties."  
Meredith approached her father cautiously and was surprised about his reaction when he saw her "It's good to see you. See! That's her." He shouted and pointed at her "Meredith Grey. I'm sorry. I really, really am."  
"I'm sure you are." She bit her lips and took a deep breath as he continued to apologize.  
"The last time I was here, I said some terrible things to you. Telling you not to come to Susan's funeral? It wasn't your fault. I know you did everything you could. What I said to you I'll regret it till the day I die. And the drinking is unacceptable, yeah. But today, uh Today Is Susan's birthday, and I …"  
"Should I go get Lexie?" Meredith interrupted him as she didn't know how to respond properly. She knew that he needed support and a hug, but she also knew that it wasn't Susan's birthday and that she wasn't ready to give him a hug.  
"No, just you. I just want you." Thatcher said and cried.

"My dad was in the ER." Meredith told Derek, when she sat down next to him in the cafeteria. He was eating a sandwich after a rather long spinal repair.  
"Really?" he asked surprised. Meredith's father hadn't been a topic they talked about since Susan's funeral.  
"He cut himself. He's not bad company, actually. He's quite funny and charming. Drunk. Is it weird that I like my drunk dad better than my regular dad?" Meredith laughed.  
"A little." Derek agreed.  
"But he's an alcoholic and I think he needs help, Richard think he needs help." Meredith said, but changed the topic "but anyway this is not what I came here for, Derek, I have a patient for you."  
"You found a brain tumor in a pregnant woman?" Derek wondered.  
"I did."Meredith nodded and laughed.  
He raised his eyebrow "How did this happen? Do you have a CT machine in your eyes now? Because that would be rather useful."  
"No, she yelled brain tumor during one of her contractions. I looked at her scans and it seems that it's inoperable." Meredith summarized on a more serious note and handed over the scans to him.  
"Looking at those scans I'd agree. Why did you show them to me?" he wondered. They both knew that it wasn't possible to resect the tumor.  
"I think there's a way to do it. I read about success in operating on malignant gliomas by injecting the tumor with a virus. There are animal studies. Successful animal studies." Meredith explained calmly.  
Derek looked at his wife and wondered if she was serious. "You know that this sounds crazy?"  
Meredith started to explain. Maybe being pregnant was part of the reason she wanted to help this woman, maybe it was because she knew what it was like to grow up with only one parent. "Derek, this woman is never going to see her son graduate, she won't even be around for his first day of kindergarten. I think she deserves any chance she can get. Maybe if you talk to the husband…"  
"… you talked to the husband about this procedure before?" Derek interrupted her angrily.  
"Yes." She nodded.  
"Meredith, this is the Levangie case all over again." He shook his head.  
Meredith answered calmly "And I was right back then. We can set up a trial. I can give you all the research, I can apply for grants, do all of the administrative work. I did this for my mom before. You won't have to do any of it. Just have a look at the material. If I had a brain tumor, wouldn't you consider it?" She got up and walked away as she had yet another person to talk to before getting back to work in the OB/Gyn wing.

* * *

Lexie hid in one of the supply closets to do charting when Meredith finally found her "Your dad was in the ER today."  
Lexie nodded "I know."  
"So you know he was drunk and he put his hand through a window." Meredith explained.  
Lexie nodded again, but continued her charting "Yeah. Anything else?"  
"And he wasn't actually a problem. He was kind of charming. But he seemed very sad, and I'd hate to see it happen again. So maybe you should think about keeping a better eye on him. He said it was Susan's birthday, which I know it wasn't. He seems very depressed and confused and I know one thing about being depressed."  
Lexie threw her charts on the floor and yelled "Every day is my mother's birthday. My mother was born in March. He lied. He's a liar. And I'm glad. Really, I'm glad that you found him charming. I'm sure he was delightful. He's a blast after five drinks. Not so much after nine, though. He gets a little weepy and mean. He's a drunk, Meredith. So thank you for letting me know that I need to keep a better eye on him."  
"That's not what I meant. Lexie, do you need help?" Meredith asked "Because he does, I might not want him to be my dad, but I want you to be my sister and you love him. So if you are ready, just tell me."

* * *

Addison and Meredith were checking on Ms. Sanderson again, when Derek walked in "Hello Ms Sanderson, my name is Dr. Shepherd. Dr. Montgomery and Dr. Grey brought me in for a consult." Meredith turned around because she was surprised he would show up.  
"Is there something wrong with my baby?" the mother asked concerned  
"No, the baby is in perfect health, as far as I can tell, but I wanted to talk to you about your glioma." He said.  
"We were told that there is nothing anyone could do about it, that the tumor is just too big to remove." the patient explained.  
"Actually, there might be, we could inject a virus into the tumor for it to shrink." Meredith explained.  
"Why didn't any of the other surgeons suggest this technique?"  
"It's a highly experimental procedure that has never been tested on humans before, but has been successful in animal studies. There are risks associated with this and they are quite high." Meredith tried to explain.  
"It's very likely that you end up brain dead." Derek interrupted her.  
"But it could mean that I make a full recovery?" the patient wondered.  
"If the procedure is successful, it is a possibility." Derek nodded.  
She started to smile "I want to do it!  
The husband was less enthusiastically about the procedure "Clara, you can't be serious! We have two years together."  
"No, Sam, we don't have two years, we have six month and after those six months, I'm not going to be able to feed myself, go to the toilet on my own. You are going to have two babies to take care of. I have a chance if I do this."  
"If you decide to consider participating in the study, just contact us. Dr. Grey is going to take care of all the necessary paper work and I'll notify you when you are ready to start. It'll be a month or two until we get started." Derek said and left the room.

* * *

At the end of her shift Alex came over and told her that she needed to talk to Lexie about what had happened in the ER. Lexie was sitting on a bench in front of the hospital when Meredith approached her "Alex told me that you want to talk about dad."  
Lexie looked up at her half sister "I guess. What do you think?"  
"As a doctor I think that he needs to go to rehab. Immediately!" Meredith answered, took a breath and continued "As a daughter I think that he needs to pick up the pieces of his life and piece them back together."  
"Can you do it? I don't know if I can." Lexie admitted  
"Do you want me to do it?" Meredith wondered. Lexie didn't answer. "Because I think we should do it together. Talk to him. I don't know what it's like to have a father, but I think I begin to understand what it's like to have a sister. I'm doing this for you, not for him. I'm trying to be sisterly here."

"What made you change your mind?" Meredith asked as she entered the bath room. She took off her clothes and listened to him "You. If you had a brain tumor I would do everything. The trial looks like it could work and you'd want the best for it and I am the best."  
She laughed and threw her panties at him "You are arrogant."  
He put her panties into the laundry basket and kissed her "and I love you. And tumors. But I love you more than tumors."  
"That's strangely comforting." Meredith giggled as they both got out of the shower.  
"How long until we can start with the first patient?" Derek wondered.  
"From my experience with my mom's trials 6 weeks once I handed in all grant applications and requests at the IRB. I'd say 8 to 12 weeks until you can start to operate on the first patient." Meredith explained and dried her body with a towel.  
Derek hugged her and kissed her cheek "I have an amazing wife and we are going to have an amazing child."  
"and I have a husband who needs his ass kicked every once in a while to remember that." Meredith giggled.


	47. Top Of The World

_Thanks for the reviews! As I finally found a job I'm going to do my best and try to wrap up his story before I start my job because I'm going to be really busy once I start working. _

* * *

**Chapter 47 Top Of The World**

_As surgical residents we keep things to ourselves. We don't talk about the long hours or how we'd rather go out once in a while instead. We never mention how great we feel about scrubbing in on a surgery to the patient. Our victory dance is a silent one. It's all about the fight, the competition to stay on top. But every once in a while it's important to forget about the competition and to help each other by sharing our experiences. We learnt all about what the human body needs in med school, but at the end of the day, the human condition requests one thing: to share._

* * *

Six weeks had passed since they had brought Thatcher into a rehab facility and today was the end of her first trimester, which meant that she was finally finished with her cardio rotation and had another appointment with Addison. The morning sickness had gotten a lot better and had almost disappeared for a week now. She felt great. Things had been amazing between them ever since Derek had found out about the pregnancy. Derek had went to the store whenever she craved for food in the middle of the night or had brought her little snacks if a surgery lasted for more than a few hours. He was overprotective at times, but she enjoyed that he took care of her. It was 7.00am so hardly anyone would notice or hear about their appointment.  
"Are you excited?" Addison asked when she came into the exam room where Meredith and Derek were already waiting.  
"I am, I mean we are" Meredith grinned. "I think Derek is more excited than I am. He had this little countdown for today in his calendar."  
"Okay, everything looks fine. I'd say you have a healthy baby. The measurements are in range, the heartbeat is strong, placenta looks good. Do you want to know the gender once I'm able to tell you?"  
"No" and "Yes" they answered at the same time. They looked at each other puzzled. They had never talked about it.  
"I don't want to know" Meredith insisted leaving Derek speechless for a second. He had expected that his wife would be as curious as he was to find out if they were going to have a baby boy or girl.  
"Well, no it is." Addison smiled.  
"Come on, Addison, you can tell me" Derek insisted. "Mark and you wanted to find out too. He even made a bet with some of the nurses and residents about it."  
"I'm not going to disregard the mother's wishes, Derek" Addison tried to remain professional. It wasn't everyday that she had her ex husband's pregnant wife on her exam table and she knew that she wouldn't want to get into the middle of an argument.  
"But I want to know." Derek insisted once again.  
Addison decided to interrupt their conversation because she had other patients to tend to "You'll have to wait until Meredith changes her mind or until the baby is born. You always said patience is one of your strengths."  
"Ouch" Meredith laughed. Addison turned around to do some charting while Derek and Meredith continued their conversation.  
"Why don't you want to know?" Derek wondered.  
"The magic and mystery of waiting. You wouldn't know anything about it because we never waited for anything. We got married before I even knew your full name. But we can tell people about the pregnancy now."  
"You haven't told Cristina?" Derek reacted surprised.  
"I told Lexie, but nobody else, so just call your mom and tell her."  
"Mark took care of that." Derek said and sounded annoyed. "He called her to say that her two favorite sons are having a baby"  
"And she called you and yelled at you for not telling her?" Meredith mocked him.  
Derek glared at her and admitted "She did. But she liked the story."  
"The story of how four doctors are too stupid to use contraceptives?" Meredith giggled.  
Addison laughed "Nancy loved the story. She wants to give us 'the talk' when we visit the next time and Liz wants to know if she can plan a baby shower for us."  
Derek kissed her on the cheek and apologized himself "Have fun spreading the news. I'll see you in three hours Prep the OR and the patient before that. I have an aneurysm to clip"

* * *

Cristina was sitting in the resident locker room when Meredith came in with a huge grin on her face "I have to tell you something."  
Cristina looked up "McDreamy knocked you up. I know and don't tell me anything about birth control again."  
"You knew?" Meredith wondered. Ever since the puking had stopped it was hardly noticeable that she was pregnant. Her belly was still rather flat and the little bump was hidden by her scrubs.  
"I knew the minute you started drinking ginger ale and stopped going to Joes altogether." Cristina laughed. "Ginger ale is a cure for morning sickness, carrying around a bottle 24/7 is advertising the fact that you are pregnant, I know because I was pregnant not too long ago."  
"Why didn't you say something?" Meredith asked?  
Cristina looked at her before answering, took a deep breath and explained "I knew you'd tell me, when you were ready to tell me. Just so you know I'm not going to change diapers, I'm not going to become all 'Isn't it adorable', but you can send it to me if it needs to have the sex talk."  
"Stop calling my baby 'it'." Meredith asked and pouted. "Don't call the baby 'it'. Call it fetus or embryo or whatever."  
"You are pregnant?" Izzie asked excitedly when she walked in.  
"You haven't noticed?" Cristina wondered. "What kind of doctor are you?"  
"No I haven't, I have my own stuff to deal with, but that's fantastic, congratulations, how far along are you?" Izzie asked with a smile on her face. It was the bright and shiny smile that made Izzie the dream of every mother in law.  
"Twelve weeks today." Meredith answered with a huge smile on her face. Her smile seemed to be just as bright and shiny as Izzie's.  
Izzie was a lot more excited than Cristina "Oh my god, I'm going to start knitting baby socks tonight. Which color do you need? Blue or pink? And I'm going to throw you a baby shower."  
"I mean we are not going to find out unless the baby reveals itself to us. We'll find out when the baby is born. And no baby shower. I know what happened the last time you threw a party at the house." Meredith laughed as she remembered the 2 days of heavy cleaning after Izzie had invited virtually everyone from the hospital.  
"Mer, you don't want to know the sex? What kind of doctor are you?" Cristina asked. "The pair of you, you are just unbelievable. How did you even get through med school?"  
Izzie smiled and started one of her monologues about love and happiness , life and the unknown "It's about the mystery, the beauty of life, about the feeling that you don't need to know what's ahead because you have no control over it anyway and the outcome doesn't make a difference."  
Meredith laughed "Yeah, what she is saying."  
"Well it makes a difference, you can either buy blue or pink and one of them is the wrong choice." Cristina countered.  
"Or you can buy white or green or yellow or whichever other color you want." Izzie told Cristina and asked "Have you told Callie and the Chief?"  
"No, not yet, I was going to today, but I have an OR to prep now." Meredith said with a huge smile on her face. There was nothing that could go wrong today.

* * *

After she left the locker room she walked into a confused and crying Lexie, who started to bawl "Can I move in Meredith? I know this is a bad time, you are pregnant and the house is full of people as it is, but living in mom and dad's house, it's suffocating. I can't do it. He's going to be back and I can't stand the memories at the minute. I know you are going to say no."  
Meredith said "Move in." and padded her back.  
Lexie didn't listen to what she said and continued to cry "and I can understand why you wouldn't want me there. I mean technically everyone in that house is my boss. But I really…"  
Meredith interrupted her again "You can move in."  
Lexie continued to speak, but finally realized that Meredith had agreed "… need to move. Wait, I can move in."  
Meredith nodded "Yeah, move in."  
Lexie hugged her and told her "Thank you!"

* * *

It was time to tell her superiors. She decided to tell her Chief resident first because she thought Callie would be more understanding about it and approach the Chief about it after lunch. Callie was sitting in the office and it looked like she was tidying up her desk. "Callie, I think we need to talk. We have to adjust my shift plan." Meredith told her Chief resident.  
"Mer, I can't do this." Callie said and put another stack of paper away.  
"Well, you have to, I'm pregnant." Meredith insisted.  
"Meredith, I was fired as Chief resident. Bailey is Chief now." Callie explained to her "But congratulations. I mean I hope you are happy, you look happy."  
Meredith couldn't help but smile "I am."  
"George and I have been trying for a while, but we stopped after he blurred out Izzie's name. We haven't had sex since. It's not working. I can't get passed that, it just feels like he never really loved me, that he just used me to feel good about himself after his dad died." Callie told her. Meredith felt uncomfortable as Callie had just revealed her inner self to her. She was unable to reply. Marital problems were invading her happy place and she did not know whether she should comfort Callie or remain silent.  
"I'll go and see Bailey." She smiled uncomfortably and turned around.

* * *

"I'm glad to see you are back on my service. It's been a while. I missed you."Derek smirked when he saw his wife walking towards him with a stack of charts "I seldom saw you at work and you are sleeping when you are at home."  
"Well, I'm pregnant, I have to rest and I'm tired all the time. But I'm only on your service for the dates where we work on trial patients or are preparing the trial and on Doctor Sloan's service for the rest of the week. Dr. Bailey said something about keeping my OR hours in balance."  
"So I'm going to squeeze as many surgeries as possible there." Derek smiled.  
Meredith looked at him and knew he was trying to play favorites "You don't have to do that."  
"Have you talked to Callie and the Chief?"  
"I talked to Callie and Bailey, because Callie was fired. I'll talk to the Chief after lunch." Meredith smiled.  
"Alright, we better go and talk to the patient now."

* * *

The rest of the day had been uneventful, Meredith had told the Chief about her pregnancy, had finished her shift and was happy to sit down in the kitchen and relax while her sister brought in one box after another. She had left to get one last set of boxes when Derek walked in wondering "Why do I see lots of boxes in the hall, Meredith?"  
"Lexie is moving in!" Meredith tried to say while eating a meatball sandwich.  
"Did you tell anyone? I mean, you haven't told me." Derek wondered. He wasn't too happy that his wife didn't discuss important decisions with him.  
"No, it's my house, she's my sister. If she needs a place to stay she's welcome." Meredith said, but she knew that it would lead to a little discussion.  
"Meredith, you have to stop taking in strays." He said.  
Meredith rolled her eyes "Derek, I told you, she's family. Well, sort of, she needs a place to stay, so she can stay at my house. You said you wanted me to have a family. If it was your sister, we wouldn't even discuss this."  
"That's because I grew up with my sisters and I know them." Derek insisted. "We grew up together"  
Meredith got mad. It was not her fault that she had only found out about Molly and Lexie this year. It wasn't her fault that she wasn't particularly close to either one of them. He had encouraged her to try it and now he didn't appreciate it. "That's not my fault and it's just for a few weeks, I'm sure she won't be there for long."  
"Meredith, we are having a baby, the baby needs a nursery, a room to sleep. We already have a crowded house as it is." Derek tried to explain why he was so unhappy about their new roommate.  
"I know Derek, I'm going to have a baby. I know because I'm the one that is tired all the time, who is starting to have weird food cravings, who is getting fat soon. She won't be staying for long, she just needs to get back on her feet and maybe this motivates you to talk to the contractor. You said you wanted to build a house, you got the planning permission and all of that stuff and now you don't talk to the contractor. My sister is not a stray dog. My sister is my sister. Even if I did not know she existed for 24 years, she's still my sister. And I have this weird feeling that I'm responsible for her. Her father is an alcoholic and her mother is dead, so I think she has a right to crash here. And you don't want to yell at me because all I do is cry and get emotional." Meredith rambled.  
Derek smiled and asked in a soft voice "Where is she going to sleep?"  
Lexie came in and said "The attic. All the bed rooms are taken, so I'll choose the attic. I just need to get out of my parent's house"  
"Why don't you take George's old room, we can move Derek's boxes up to the attic." Meredith suggested, but Lexie saw that Derek was less than enthusiastic about it and quickly insisted "No, it's fine. The attic is fine."  
"So how did people react when you told them?" Derek wondered and kissed her.  
"Well, Bailey said I was a fool and the Chief said my mother would have been proud. I told him that my mother would have hated this and disowned me." Meredith tried to summarize the reactions from her superiors.

* * *

_At the end of the day it's about the people around you. They are your team and you are not here just to profit. If you don't share, you are nothing. Your biggest success grows smaller if there's no one to celebrate it with, your biggest fear seems stronger without someone to fight with you. I'll give you an example. You can be watching the most beautiful sunset, in the most beautiful place in the world, and this beautiful sunset can be a solitary experience when you have nobody to share it with. So every once in a while, take a look at the people around you, tell them how you feel, try to find out how they feel. Share! _


	48. Long And Winding Road

**Chapter 48 Long And Winding Road**

_Cutting out bad habits is far more effective than cutting out organs, but as a surgeon we know that sometimes it's important to cut the organ in order to cut the habit. When we can't cut it out, we have to find another way. Because there's always another way._

Three weeks after telling people about her pregnancy Meredith had finally secured funding and received all the necessary permissions to start the trial. The morning sickness had been barely noticeable in the morning and Meredith walked into the resident locker room with a big smile on her face. Her hair looked better than ever and she started to have the glow most pregnant women dreamt of having. "Why are you so happy?" Cristina wondered when Meredith came in.  
"First day of our glioma trial." Meredith smiled. "This is what you look like when you are about to change the face of medicine forever. This trial is about me and Derek and how awesome we can be together."  
"How's that going?" Cristina laughed.  
"My clinical trial. My baby, all grown up. And it's the first day I didn't feel the need to throw up, I had pancakes for breakfast, so I am happy, the baby is happy,…" Meredith continued to explain to Cristina, but was interrupted by Izzie, who seemed to be unhappy.  
"Mc Dreamy is happy. You know, nobody cares about your clinical trial or your sick, sick, terminal patients, who'd probably rather be left for dead. But your hair and your nails look amazing."  
"You're just jealous." Meredith stated.  
"Well, yeah. Anyone can come up with a clinical trial. I could come up with a clinical trial." Cristina laughed.  
"Jealous." Meredith insisted.  
Cristina had been on a warpath with her assigned attending for quite some time and remarked sarcastically "Not that it would matter,' cause Hahn wouldn't sign off on it. You know she won't even talk to me?"  
"She always enjoyed talking to me." Izzie disrupted Cristina.  
"Really, about what?" Meredith wondered.  
"Her hopes, her dreams, then we would braid each other's hair." Izzie said rolling her eyes. She had been on cardio rotation for a few days now and had enjoyed working with Dr. Hahn.  
"Well, at least I'm not living in the clinic." Cristina laughed.  
"Hey, I like the clinic. The clinic is my happy place." Izzie answered.  
"Okay, both of you need to just take a moment and dig down deep, and you'll discover when you do you're truly happy for me that I have found my path to medical history." Meredith reminded them of her trial.  
"I'm not happy for you." Izzie stated.  
"Oh, me neither." Cristina agreed.

Meredith gathered all the interns around her in the skills lab. The trial meant a lot of paper work which would have to be handled by which ever intern was assigned to neuro on a specific day. "You're about to experience the beginning of something extraordinary. Take in the moment." She said enthusiastically and started to explain the procedure, the patients' condition and intend way of documentation. After she had finished explaining the details Derek came in and wondered "Okay, Dr. Grey, did you warn the interns on what to expect?"  
"I told them to expect greatness." Meredith grinned.  
Derek looked at the interns, nodded and continued to explain one detail. "Yes, in addition to all the greatness, the patient may be inappropriately emotional, which means he's aggressive, uh, abusive. Don't take it personally, okay? Don't engage. Just realize it's the tumor talking, okay?

The group walked into the patient's room. "Mr. Petersen, Dr. Grey and I want to say once again how grateful we are that you've decided to participate in our clinical trial. I know it's a very hard decision to make." Derek greeted the patient, who was lying in his bed.  
He looked insecure and wondered "But it is a chance, right? It's, like, my only chance? Well, if the surgery doesn't kill me, the tumor will. What do I have to lose, right?"  
Derek nodded again "Well, as we discussed, the treatment has never been tested on humans before. We're going to inject a live virus into the tumor. And since we can't we take the tumor out, our hope is to reduce the tumor from within. Dr. Grey, Over the past month, Mr. Petersen has experienced worsening vision loss and increasingly severe headaches."  
The patient turned to Meredith. "First thing I noticed about her hell of an ass. You like a nice piece of ass, kid? Admittedly, she could do with a little more on top."  
Derek leaned over and whispered "It's the tumor talking."  
Meredith nodded and whispered "Yeah,it's just the tumor talking."

Meredith went over her patients chart. "Michael Petersen, 48, widowed, no children, no emergency contact." His Karnofsky score is still 80,and his C.B.C. And liver enzymes are good. If he would die, nobody would miss him, nobody would cry over his dead body. That's the reason he was chosen to be patient 1. Not too long ago she would have been patient 1 if she would have had an inoperable brain tumor. She was an only child, her mother was dead and had not been in the condition to remember her in a long time and before she met Derek she had never been in a committed relationship. Derek had chosen him, a year ago would he have chosen her too, if he hadn't know her. But her life had turned around.  
Meredith breathed in and started to go over everything once again. "Okay, Mr. Petersen, I'm going to go over everything with you one last time. If you agree to have the surgery, you'll sign here at the end of our conversation. Do you understand?"  
"Yes, but I really really want this surgery, so just go ahead." The patient asked her to hurry.  
One of the interns presented the case to the patient. "You have a malignant glioma which is inoperable. We will try to shrink it using a technique which enables us to insert a virus into the tumor. This virus is going to shrink the tumor, if it doesn't shrink completely it enables us to extract it during a second surgery a few weeks later. That is if you survive the first surgery. This is a highly experimental procedure and by agreeing to participate in the trial you acknowledge the possibility that you might die during the procedure or suffer from any other complications"  
"Where can I sign?" the patient wondered, but the intern insisted "I wasn't finished."  
The patient did not want to hear anything else "I will sign it anyway, it doesn't matter if I die now or in six months."  
"Alright, but even if you survive, there's a number of possible complications." Meredith tried to take over for the intern.  
"And you told me all about them before. I will sign" the patient yelled, grabbed the chart and a pen and signed. The intern looked at Meredith and Derek and started to stuttered "Alright, please sign here, I'm going to call one of the nurses to give you a gown and to prep you for surgery."

The atmosphere in the OR was tense. It wasn't everyday that someone tried to operate on an inoperable tumor, never mind to start a clinical trial to develop a method to treat it. The light was dim and they used fluorescent color to dye the tumor. Meredith and two interns were observing how Derek drilled a hole into the patient's skull while countless surgeons observed from the gallery. It was the first step. Derek breathed in after finishing the preparation. "You can step back now. Alright, the moment of truth. Injecting the virus into the tumor."  
Only seconds later the heart monitor went crazy. "The injection went into the intra-arterial. Okay, push one of atropine." Meredith told one of her interns.  
The intern did as commanded, but there was no response.  
"Push another one." Meredith insisted, but there was no reaction.  
"Oh, come on." Meredith shouted, but all attempts to revive the patient were to no avail.  
After ten minutes they gave up and Derek told her "Call it, Dr. Grey.  
She nodded and looked at the clock "Time of death 19.33."

When Lexie spotted Meredith in the hall, she was afraid to ask her sister how the trial had went. She saw the look on Meredith's face and it was very similar to her father's expression when he was disappointed. "How is the trial patient doing?" she finally asked.  
Meredith looked at her "Dead, pretty dead, we went in, injected the virus and he was gone within a minute. "  
Lexie looked at Meredith and said "Sorry". It was a plain statement, but it was effective. She knew by now that Meredith didn't a lot of words to be encouraged. She knew that Meredith's nod would be the answer to the sorry. The first try had been unsuccessful and that was all Meredith was ready to share with her right now.

When Meredith sat down next to Cristina, it looked like Cristina was trying to eat an apple with one bite. "Hahn refuses to teach me." Cristina confided to Meredith while chewing a large chunk of said apple.  
"Well you are off cardio. She isn't supposed to teach you right now." Meredith laughed "Dr. Montgomery has lots of interesting cases. Just give her a chance. Neonatal is not too bad and you get used to all the pregnant women on OB/Gyn."  
"My attending is pregnant, my best friend is pregnant, the majority of my patients is pregnant, it just feels like a contagious disease." Cristina complained.  
Meredith rolled her eyes and wondered "So how is Dr. Montgomery?"  
"She's exhausted, and she's craving for Izzie's muffins" Cristina explained, lowered her voice and whispered "so I have to steal them from your locker every once in a while."  
"You are the muffin thief? You? Of all people you steal my muffins from the locker to satisfy Addison's cravings and leave me with no muffins at all. I thought it was Alex." Meredith asked surprised .  
"Why Alex?" Cristina looked up at Meredith in surprise.  
"Because he likes Izzie's muffins" Meredith smiled "and they are not talking to each other at the minute."  
"What do you mean?" Cristina asked confused.  
"They are not talking they are ignoring each other. That's all I'm saying"  
"Maybe it's because Alex liked Izzie's muffins too much." Cristina said with an amused smile on her face. Evil spawn and Barbie would make a splendid couple.  
"Ugh, do you think they were sleeping with each other?" Meredith asked slightly disgusted.  
"It's a possibility." Cristina admitted.  
"Anyway, stop stealing my muffins." Meredith glared.  
"I need those muffins. Derek can take care of your every wish."  
"Dr. Sloan can take care of Dr. Montgomery." Meredith insisted. "I need my muffins"  
Cristina rolled her eyes "Sloan doesn't have to bribe her for surgeries. He gets his own. Not so happy attending equals not so many surgeries. Do you know how annoying pregnant woman are to work with?"  
Meredith glared at her again and took a sip of her strawberry milk shake "You stole my muffins. I hate you."  
"No you don't." Cristina laughed.  
"Anyway, stop stealing my muffins! I need my muffins!" Meredith got up, grabbed her milk shake "I have to talk to the Chief now, he wants to discuss my maternity leave with me"

_There are 100 billion neurons in the brain, little cells that send and receive electro-chemical signals to and from the brain to the nervous system. Everybody knows there neurons. In order to remove a tumor, there has to be a surgeon. But who is talking about the nurses that hand him the instruments, about the staff that cleans the OR, about the lady in the cafeteria that provides the surgeon with the food to stay fit or the surgical resident who stayed the night to monitor the patient. What less people know about are glial cells. They work in the background, provide support functions for the neurons and are far more numerous than neurons. We can't do it on our own, we need our support system. _


	49. The Rivalry

**Chapter 49 The Rivalry**

Four days later Meredith and Derek had finally found the time to get away from the hectic hospital routine. They had hardly spent any time together outside the hospital since Meredith had found out about her pregnancy. But Derek was determined to make it up to her and spoil her. She had put so much of her time into their trial, she deserved a break.

"Do you remember this place?" Derek wondered when he parked the car on the side of the road.  
"Yes, I do. I don't have Alzheimer, I remember things." Meredith laughed as she got out of the car. "Especially if they involve you, well Vegas is still a bit of a blank, but I know that we went here for a date. You told me all those things about yourself, but refused to talk about our wedding because I'd have no incentive to go on another date with you if you did."  
"I was right, wasn't I?" Derek smirked and opened the boot lid to grab the picnic basket he had packed. "and by the way I love the rambling"  
"Shut up" Meredith replied giggling.  
Derek walked up to her and smiled "No I won't."  
They walked up to the picnic table that he had picked for one of their first dates, back when he had to fight for her love. The view was different than last time. The color of the leaves on the trees had changed into all kinds of reds, yellows and browns. They sat down next to each other and he kissed her forehead. "How are the two of you?"  
"Good. I'm pretty exhausted, even more exhausted than normal, but I'm good." Meredith sighed. "I mean I have to get used to it because in less than a year we'll have an infant who's keeping us up all night."  
"I remember when you kept me up all night." He chuckled which made her laugh.  
She decided to play along and joked "And that's what got us here. All these hormones and emotions and cravings." She loved to have him close to her, his arms wrapped around her, his lips started to kiss her neck and she could feel his breath on her skin. For a moment in time she felt complete, like nothing could destroy the happy bubble Derek and she had built around them. "Have I told you that Cristina was the one who stole my muffins? She uses them to bribe Addison into giving her surgeries."  
"Is she?" Derek asked and continued to kiss his wife's neck.  
"Apparently." Meredith laughed before she started to engage in heavy kissing with him.

They sat next to each other for a while and enjoyed each other's company in complete silence. They didn't need a lot of words to know what the other one was thinking, but it felt good to hear it nonetheless. "I missed this! We haven't done this in such a long time. I mean it's my fault. I'm a resident and I'm sleeping all the time if I'm not working and we are so busy with the trial. It's… " Meredith said looking at one of the ferryboats down in the bay.  
"Okay, we are here now. Just sit back and relax. Seize the day! You are off, I am off, just relax!" Derek insisted. While the trial had not been successful yet, their day off shouldn't be spend thinking about the trial.  
"We killed 3 patients." Meredith continued.  
"Meredith, we are off, we should be enjoying ourselves! " Derek kissed her.  
"I can't stop think about it. There must be a way to improve the method." Meredith insisted. Derek sighed. He knew the trial was on Meredith's mind, but he knew that being emotionally involved wouldn't be good so he attempted a diversion tactic "and I'm sure that we are going to find it. But right now, I want you to look at the ferryboats and relax. You can have a sandwich if you want. I brought meatball sandwiches. I know you like them."  
Meredith looked into the basket and found all the food she liked. "You know a lot about the food I'm craving. I love you and if we weren't married already, I'd marry you again for bringing me these gorgeous yummy sandwiches."  
"That's a low price for your love." Derek smirked.  
"Shut up and let me eat. The baby needs food." Meredith tried to say, but was already chewing a large bite of her meatball sandwich.  
"and I'm here to provide it. You know that there is more, where this came from. But only if you let me find out the baby's sex." Derek said and smiled at Meredith.  
"You want to bribe me?" Meredith laughed "No, you'll find out in 27 weeks when you hold the baby and not a day before that."  
"It'd make things easier." Derek insisted and Meredith wondered how. "I could buy a Yankees shirt if I knew it was a boy."  
Meredith laughed. "Girls can wear stuff like this too, but our child is going to be wearing a red sox jersey. I'm afraid child protection services would take the child away if I dressed it in a Yankees jersey." She teased him. She grew up in Boston and was well aware of the rivalry between the two teams.  
"I did not know you were interested in baseball." Derek looked at her in confusion.  
"I'm not, but I'm from Boston and my child is not going to wear a New York Yankees jersey. " Meredith insisted.  
"You won't be around 24/7 and uncle Mark is an avid supporter as well." Derek tried to tease her, but he had underestimated her hormone level.  
"No yankee jersey's or any other merchandise or Cristina is going to castrate you and him." She threatened him "She's going to look after her god child."  
"I feel threatened." He mocked her.  
Meredith glared at him and told him "You better do!"  
"No Red Sox either!" Derek replied.  
"You want to raise our child in a baseball free environment?" Meredith wondered.  
"No, in a Red Sox free environment." Derek said and they both started to giggle.

"ouch… " Meredith exclaimed as she felt a slight pain in her belly and she moved her hands to her belly and put a little pressure to it.  
"What's the matter? Something wrong with the baby?" Derek asked concerned.  
"No. No. The baby doesn't want to be raised in a Red Sox free environment." Meredith laughed and smiled.  
"Why are you smiling?" Derek was confused.  
Meredith face lit up. She was glowing, her eyes sparkled and she told him happily "The baby kicked. It kicked for the first time. Well actually, it feels like popping popcorn inside of your body, but it feels amazing."  
"Can I feel?" Derek asked and she took his hand to her belly. "Hello baby, I'm your daddy."  
Meredith giggled and asked him "You realize that the baby can't hear you?"  
But Derek insisted that he had every right to do so. "You talk to the baby all the time. It's cute."

"So how are we going to live once the baby is born?" Derek wondered after Meredith had finished the third sandwich.  
She looked at him and wondered "What do you mean?"  
"The house is crowded, there's you, me, your sister, Izzie, Alex and Alex's one night stand of the day." Derek laughed.  
"I thought we could set up the nursery in George's room." Meredith said.  
Derek eyed her suspiciously and insisted that George's old room was his refuge. "That's my office. My refuge! I need a bit of space once in a while."  
"Well you wanted to build a house, build one!" Meredith suggested "You'll have all the space you need there. You spend the last nine weeks looking over the plans again and again and you still haven't called any contractors to get quotes. Something tells me you like to live in 'the frat house'." Meredith giggled.  
He kissed her cheek and whispered "Because my beautiful wife who is carrying my beautiful baby lives there."  
"We could use my mother's old office as nursery. It's not big, but it'd be big enough for a baby" Meredith finally said after giving the nursery some thought when it started to rain heavily.  
"Oh damn it" Derek said and grabbed all their belongings "We better get home before we get soaking wet. Damn you Seattle."


	50. Chapter 50

Chapter 50 Somebody I Used To Know

"Excuse me, I'm looking for Doctor Meredith Grey." A blonde woman in her late twenties told one of the nurses. The nurse who sat behind her desk at the nurse station checked her computer and told her "I'm afraid she's in surgery right now, but I can page her if it's urgent."  
The woman nodded and told the nurse "No, it's fine I'm just going to wait for death."  
The nurse looked shocked and didn't know how to respond. She looked back at her startled.  
"You shouldn't use that nickname around the hospital." Mark laughed.  
"Hello" the woman greeted the plastic surgeon "you work here."  
"Was that a question or a statement?" Mark wondered "I thought Meredith would have told you."  
"We didn't talk much after Vegas." Sadie admitted. "She blames me for ending up being married to that Derek guy"  
Mark laughed and remarked and excused himself from the strange situation where his one nightstand had shown up at the hospital he worked at. "I'd say she isn't as angry about it as she used to. But I really have to go now."  
"I'm just going to sit here and wait" Sadie told herself and sat down in the lobby.

A few hours past before Sadie finally met Meredith. When she saw Meredith walking out of the elevator to go home she was surprised "Oh my god, Meredith, what happened? You are… you are… "  
"pregnant!" Meredith remarked. As she had always been very skinny her bump was noticeable already.  
"How did this happen?" Sadie asked in shock. Meredith had never been the girl who talked about settling down and raising a family. Meredith still couldn't believe that her former best friend was in Seattle and laughed when she said. "Come on, we went to med school together, you know how this happens."  
"Yeah, but with who? You know the father, right?" Sadie asked her. They hadn't talked since their fight following the events in Vegas and Sadie had never found out about how things had progressed with Derek.  
"Of course" Meredith stated. "I'm not a whore. My husband"  
"You and what's his name are a thing now?" Sadie wondered. The last time she and Meredith had talked on the phone Meredith had yelled at her for being a crappy friend for allowing her to get married in Vegas. She had been mad and she had told her not to call her again, but now it seemed like Meredith and Derek were actually a couple.  
"Yes, we 'are a thing now'." Meredith answered the question using her fingers to emphasize the quotation marks.  
"How far along are you?" Sadie asked.  
"18 weeks" Meredith said and excused herself. " and I really have to go now. I'm in the middle of a clinical trial and I hardly find the time to get out of the hospital for lunch. What are you doing here anyway?"  
Sadie followed Meredith to her car "I wanted to see you. And my dad got me a job here. The morgue was boring as hell, I want to cut living people open. I sign all the papers today, get my card from HR, tomorrow is my first day." This revelation was a real surprise to Meredith. Sadie was the person she met to get away from her daily routine, not the one she worked with. She took a deep breath before she started the engine to drive away.

"Who was that?" Cristina wondered when he approached her in the scrub room after her lunch break "Dr. Sloan told me I'd find you here, that you might need someone to talk to"  
"Sadie" Meredith replied.  
"Sadie as in Sadie who dragged you to Vegas and left you in a bar in an emotional unstable state Sadie? The girl who slept with Mark?" Cristina wondered and used a lot more words than he'd usually have. Meredith nodded.  
"What is she doing here?" Cristina wondered. The way Meredith had talked about her so far had never given him reason to believe she might show up at the hospital. Meredith had blamed her for some of the things that happened in Vegas.  
"Being an intern." Meredith replied and looked at him wondering "It's weird right?"  
She nodded. "Does she know?"  
"Know that I'm pregnant, yes" Meredith laughed "She's not blind. People notice my bump by now. "  
"Killing another patient today?" Cristina laughed jokingly.  
"No, but we are going to work on patient #4 and #5 this week." Meredith explained "They came in today for some pre op testing. I'd be on Derek's service if we would take them to surgery today. I'm scrubbing in on a tonsillectomy now. Maybe Sloan let's me do most of it."

After Dr. Sloan allowed her to do the tonsillectomy by herself without his help because 'it was a boring procedure even a chimpanzee could do' Meredith was on a surgery high when she got the page from Derek to meet the patient for the pre op tests for their trial patients. "All right, well, you know so it seems like there's been a lot of change, even since the last checkup." He said looking at the patient's CT scan.  
Meredith looked at the wife and asked "His behavior's been getting more erratic? "  
She nodded and remarked "That's a nice way of putting it."  
"Well, you've been incredibly strong, Jennifer" Meredith told her. She knew that it was hard to deal with severe changes in personality and behavior. Her mother's behavior had been erratic at times too. She had been the one that diagnosed the patient. He and his family had been brought in a month ago after being attacked by a bear. Instead of running away from the bear, the patient had attacked it. His newlywed wife might have been a tumor symptom as well. For a second she giggled in her mind at the thought that a brain tumor would have been the perfect explanation for her wedding in Vegas too.  
Her thoughts were interrupted by the husband "You know, if you really want to help, Dr. Grey, you could bring some single men by."  
"Phillip please stop."Jennifer pleaded.  
Her husband laughed and started to lecture her "Jennifer, we're in a hospital full of eligible doctors, and you're a waitress with no prospects who needs to learn how to use her ass to catch a new guy before I bite the dust!"  
Tears gushed into her eyes and Meredith told her "It's just the tumor talking."  
Jennifer nodded and repeated it a few times."It's just the tumor talking. It is. It's just the tumor talking"  
His wife's despair appeared to be entertaining for the husband and he started to laugh uncontrolled.  
"and he's laughing again" Jennifer cried "because the idea of me with another man is just hilarious."  
"No, no, it's not." He replied and his tone changed from calmness to panic "I-I just can't see.  
Meredith turned around in an instant and reconfirmed "What? What can't you see? I-I anything."  
"I'm blind." He said while Meredith checked his pupil response with a light.  
"No response to light. I'll page Dr. Shepherd" Meredith said.

Derek came in a few minutes later and repeated the test Meredith had already done to see it for himself. While performing the flash light test the husband got angry and started to talk to Derek "If I remember correctly, you're a good-looking guy, right? You know, just 'cause I'm blind doesn't mean you can ignore me , you sick, twisted bastard! Playing games with people's lives, slicing open people's brains"  
Derek knew that his behavior was caused by the tumor. He tried to calm him done "Mr. Robinson, I'm sorry, but I believe it's possible the tumor is infiltrating the optic nerve. We should consider moving the surgery, maybe even doing it today."  
The husband was more interested in finding a match for his wife than thinking about surgery and turned to Meredith "What about you, Dr. Grey? You're a sexy little thing. You think, uh, dr. Shepherd here is attractive enough for my wife? Jennifer this isn't easy, I know." Meredith wanted to say that Derek was married and that Derek was married to her. Tell him that he liked complicated women and that this was no way to ambush anyone about a relationship, but she knew it was the tumor talking.  
Jennifer left the room in tears and as Derek continued to examine the patient, Meredith followed her into the hall. "My husband is probably gonna die today. We're moving up the surgery, and he might die, and all he can do is try to fix me up with other men." She started to cry and broke down into Meredith's arms. "And I know,I know it's the tumor talking, but if he dies, my last memory is going to be of him calling me a piece of ass."

The atmosphere in the operating room after the surgery was downhearted. Another patient had died. The patient had told Derek and Meredith why he had been behaving this way and it was the sweetest confession of love they ever heard from a dying man. When Derek went to tell the wife what her husband had told her. She was crying in the waiting room. "Jennifer, I'm very sorry, but said something before we put him under and I'm sure he'd have wanted you to know this. He told me he loved you, that he didn't want you to be alone. He wanted you to move on with your life and find happiness after he is gone. I did my very best to save him, but those were the last words he said to me before they put him under anesthesia."  
Meredith watched her husband from afar and when he came back she looked at him. "Derek, if I die I don't want you to mourn and grieve for long. Move on, take care of our kids, make them happy, fall in love again, don't feel sorry about it, I'm gone and I don't want you to ever be alone. I want you to be happy, I want you to move on."  
"Meredith, you are not going to die anytime soon." Derek kissed her forehead. "Don't get your hopes up with these patients."  
"Derek, it doesn't matter and it's not about the trial. I want you to move forward if it happens" Meredith insisted before she went back to Dr. Sloan's patients. "Just promise me that you'll move on and live for me, live the life I would have wanted us to have."  
"Meredith, I don't want to promise you this, because I can't live without you." Derek whispered while she walked away.


	51. Chapter 51

Chapter 51 Somebody That I Used To Know (II)

It was a rare occasion that everyone that was living in the house was at home, but when it happened it felt like a family gathering and with Lexie and Derek being present it actually was one. They decided to celebrate the day before thanksgiving because there was no way they'd get off for the day itself. There were too many people who needed immediate attention because they cut off fingers, got shot or injured themselves in any other possible way. It felt good to forget about her daily routine and spent time with her family. The kitchen table was crowded and the wine bottles on the kitchen counter were almost empty, while Meredith had to stick to water. The food that had been on the table was almost empty. Everyone was surprised when another face showed up at the house.  
After Izzie had opened the door, Sadie ran into the kitchen and greeted Derek "Hello, you must be the husband"  
Everyone looked at Meredith as neither one of them knew Sadie. Meredith smiled and wondered "Sadie, what are you doing here?  
Sadie placed a bag on the table and stated "I brought your stuff, you know the shit you left in our hotel room when you ran away and caught the first flight out of town to run away from that gorgeous guy. "  
"You didn't have to. They don't fit anyway." Meredith insisted.  
"… and I need a place to stay." Sadie added as another reason she was here. All of a sudden everyone in the room was quiet. They all knew Meredith thought her house should be the safe harbor for all her friends.  
"Get a hotel room" Alex said.  
"But you have a house." Sadie insisted.  
"A house with already too many people living in it as it is." Lexie who was still sleeping in the attic, added  
"I'm not going to leave." Sadie said an looked at Meredith.  
Meredith rolled her eyes and giggled. "Fine you can stay on the couch until you found something."  
Izzie breathed out loudly "You can't be serious."  
"See, I told you to stop taking in strays." Derek stated.  
Lexie turned her head and looked at him "You know I can hear you."  
"She could always stay in my room." Alex said flirtatiously looking at Sadie.  
"No thank you, I'm not drunk" Sadie rolled her eyes before they all got back to eating dinner.

After a few hours of chat and laughter Meredith and Derek went up to the bed room. "So Sadie was your pre-Cristina Cristina?" Derek asked jokingly.  
Meredith laughed. Thinking about it her friendship to Cristina was a lot different than her friendship to Sadie. Their common denominator had always been alcohol and the resentment they felt towards their parents. "Oh, no, we got drunk a lot and compensated our parental abandonment by sleeping with a lot of inappropriate European guys and we went to med school together. Again, lots of alcohol and boys. Every time we meet, there's alcohol and boys.  
"What is she doing her anyway?" Derek wondered.  
"Being an intern." Meredith stated in a dissatisfied voice.  
"She's a little late to start now. It's almost November."  
Meredith took a deep breath. Favoritism was what got her into Seattle grace so she shouldn't judge Sadie, but she wanted to tell Derek the truth "She'll start tomorrow. Her dad knows Webber and you probably know Dr. Charles Harris too. He's working at"  
"… the Cleveland clinic." Derek interrupted her.  
"Yeah. You know him?" Meredith looked at him.  
"No, but I heard of him. It seems like you have personal relations to every influential surgeon in the country." Derek joked and kissed her.  
Meredith broke off the kiss and laughed "Well, almost. I pushed Harper-Avery's grandson down a slide when we were kids. He cried."  
"What did he do to deserve this?" Derek wondered.  
"He told me that he liked me and kissed me." Meredith giggled.  
"Oh, what a blow off. I think you won't have a chance to ever win a Harper-Avery if the boy holds grudges." Derek teased her.  
"I don't think he does, we got drunk at the reception after my mother won her last award." Meredith told Derek. The last Harper Avery Award ceremony had been a truly memorable evening. She had just turned 21 and was able to fully appreciate the full bar for the first time.  
"and he kissed you?" Derek wondered.  
Meredith started to burst into laughter "Oh, god no, my dating and make out rules clearly stated no doctors and being as royally inbred as I am my mother would have loved that relationship, so he'd really have been the last person I'd consider to date."  
"He's a doctor too? Quite a legacy" Derek wondered.  
"he went to med school when I did" Meredith elaborated "so yeah, I think he is a doctor"  
"so no dating doctors, uhm?" he asked as he leaned over for a kiss.  
"well you are the exemption to the rule." Meredith giggled before she wrapped her arms around him. "the only"

After Meredith got changed into her maternity sized scrubs she rushed to the Chief's office. She hoped that it wouldn't be another heart to heart about some personal business, so she just asked "You paged Chief?" when she entered his office.  
"Yes, this is Sadie Harris." The Chief introduced Sadie to her. "She is going to start her internship today and she's your responsibility now."  
Meredith rolled her eyes. He just had to know that Meredith and Sadie knew each other. Attending Dartmouth Med School at the same time should have been a clear indication.  
"Mer, this is going to be great." Sadie told her after they had left the office "Just like the old times"  
Meredith knew that things had been different in med school, she wasn't Sadie's friend right now, she was her superior. "Alright. Rule number 1 You have a pager...The nurses will page you and YOU answer those pagers at a RUN! Rule number 2: If I'm sleeping DON'T wake me unless the patient is actually dying. Rule number 3: When I get there the Dying Patient better not be dead when I get there. Rule number five: When I MOVE - YOU MOVE! You are shadowing me this week, you don't talk to patients, you don't examine patients, you stand back and observe until I tell you to do otherwise. I'm not your friend at the hospital, I'm your resident. Understood?"  
Sadie seemed surprised by Meredith's strict tone and just nodded  
"Anyway, I have to get prep the OR for Dr. Sloan, so just follow me." Meredith stated as they walked towards the OR.  
"I'm going to scrub in?" Sadie wondered.  
"No, you are going to watch from the gallery. Scrubbing in is a privilege." Meredith said harshly "and I'm not even sure if Dr. Sloan wants you anywhere near him"

A few days later things were not progressing as planned. Another trial patient had died and Derek grew increasingly concerned whether they would ever succeed.  
"How do you know when to stop?" Derek asked the Chief when they met in the hall.  
Richard laughed amused "It's been a long time since you needed mentoring."  
"Before I got married to Addison a teenage pink haired girl told Sam that Mark had feelings for Addison and that our marriage was never going to work out. She was right. She never met me, but she was right. We had a good laugh about what she said during the bachelor party, but she was right." Derek started to explain "I ignored all the signs and I should have stopped, but I turned a blind eye to the way Mark looked at her. Things would have been different. Now it feels like I'm turning a blind eye to the obvious again because of the love to a woman."  
"Are you talking about the trial?" Richard wondered and Derek nodded. "Tell me about the clinical trial. Alright, it's those five patients, is it? It happens in trials. I wouldn't worry about it and keep working on it."  
"Well, if it doesn't go well, I'm killing people for sport. When I walk into an O.R., I'm an expert. I can stop a bleed, I can remove a clot. I'm the expert. But in a clinical trial I'm experimenting, just groping around in the dark, hoping to do the right thing. I just think Meredith pushed me to do it, and I don't know if it was the right call to do the trial." Derek admitted "She wants greatness from me. She's expecting greatness. I'm afraid that she's too emotionally attached to patient #12. She's the reason we started the trial and I'm afraid."  
"Meredith is stronger than you might think. You shouldn't get too emotionally attached yourself." Richard told Derek.  
"I'm just afraid that she's …you know with the baby, she …" Derek stuttered.  
"Derek, don't worry. Meredith is going to be fine. Take a break, go over the notes, refine the virus and in two weeks, you can continue with a fresh perspective."

"It's like it never ends. I had my interns up on their feet walking and now I have to take care of a newborn again, it's so exhausting. If she wouldn't have gone to med school with me, I'd doubt she ever went to one." Meredith complained to Cristina, Izzie and Alex.  
"Is it that bad?" Alex wondered.  
"It is, and it's really bad because she is my friend and I can't tell her how incompetent she is." Meredith said with a sad look on her face.  
"I could." Cristina said dryly.  
"Don't Cristina. It's just that she's so far behind everyone, it's annoying." Meredith explained.  
"You have to tell the Chief" Alex insisted.  
"I can't, her father is friends with him." Meredith reminded them.  
"And he banged your mom, that makes it even." Cristina said straight out.  
"Gross." Izzie laughed and wondered what Meredith held in her hands. "What are you reading there, Mer?"  
"The autopsy reports of our trial patients. I want to find a reasonable explanation why this isn't working."Meredith explained. "I want to know why Derek and I just seem to be unable to get things right."  
"Oh. It's not going so well." Izzie looked sympathetic.  
"Well, we lost patient #4 last week and patient #5 this week, so now, not going so well would be an understatement. I just hoped that by now we'd be able to help someone. I really want to save one." Meredith told them and looked at her pager "Sorry, have to go, Sadie is paging me. The last time she paged me it was because she couldn't find a vein to draw blood."


	52. Chapter 52

Chapter 52 Explode

Two weeks later their trial was still not getting anywhere and they were about to operate on patient #6. Meredith hurried to the locker room to catch up with Cristina "I only have five minutes because we moved a surgery up. But I did want come here and say that obviously, he doesn't know me at all. I'm not the one who's emotionally involved. He's the one who's emotionally involved and he's been acting weird. Like he's the pregnant one with all the hormones."  
Cristina was still tired as it was only 6.00 am and looked at her with sleepy eyes "He?"  
"Derek told me not to get my hopes up again. Anybody who knows me knows I'm not a hopeful person to begin with. I mean I changed a bit, but I still know good things will just fall apart" Meredith explained.  
"Right." Cristina remarked. The constant rambling got on her nerves every once in a while, but Meredith continued. "I came up with this clinical trial. It's my baby. Does he honestly think that I've just walked into this with no understanding of how hard it will be? Seriously. and now it feels like he grows to resent me because the trial is a failure and it feels like every time he looks at me he's accusing me because I'm the person who came up with the trial."  
"Because he told you not to get your hopes up?"Cristina wondered.  
"Exactly." Meredith nodded "I got to go. Surgery's about to start."  
"The surgery with no hope?" Cristina mocked her friend.  
"Shut up." Meredith told her before she left.

_Love. Have you ever been in love? It makes you so vulnerable. It's horrible to be vulnerable, isn't it? It's like someone opens up your chest and opens up your heart and exposes it to everything around you. One wrong move and you are screwed. It means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. As a surgeon we don't like getting messed up, but love is like an addiction. Once you taste it, you can never get enough. We live for the highs, but can we live through the lows. _

The outcome in the OR was the same. Every week they adapted the virus and injected it, but the outcome was the same. Time of death 6.52, time of death 7.36. Time of death 10.15 was everything Meredith got to say. It was death all over again. The sound of the heart monitor and the beep of the flat line echoed in Meredith's mind. The trial had been on for 10 weeks, 9 patients had died, neither one had made it out of the OR.  
The communication between her and Derek had gotten worse with every patient. It seemed to her that he couldn't even look her in the eye. It felt like every time she looked at him he was silently accusing her of what happened to their patients, but they were heading for confrontation. "Meredith, no, this is not going to work. We killed 8 patients so far, we adapted the virus over and over again and it doesn't work. For the first time in my life I feel like an utter failure" Derek yelled at her when they washed their hands in the scrub room.  
Meredith was about to start to cry, but managed to hold herself together stating "It's the method. It's not the virus, the virus is working. It's the way we are approaching this. We need to do this differently. It won't work the way we do it right now."  
Derek shook his head and said "I never should have agreed to this."  
"Derek, we are going to save someone" Meredith insisted.  
Derek got more angry by the minute and yelled at her again "Do you know why I feel like a failure? I was successful before I came here, I have a reputation. I worked very hard to build that reputation and I allowed it to be destroyed by this trial. I'm a failure because…"  
Meredith started to cry and interrupted him "… you listened to me? Because you started a trial that might save someone who would have died within the next few weeks anyway? Are you serious? You signed off on this trial. We were trying to give people a fighting chance. They would have died no matter what. I am not the reason you feel bad about yourself! You are too emotionally involved. "  
"Want to talk about emotionally involved? You are! You wanted to start this trial so one woman could live and be there for her child. You have to learn so much until you can call yourself a surgeon! I put in all this work and it's just fruitless. Do you know how much time I wasted because of you?" Derek screamed.  
Tears had built up in Meredith eyes and all she could say was "Right now I feel like I talk to my mother, Derek and I don't mean the brilliant surgeon. I mean Ellis Grey, the person who always told me I wasn't good enough. I have to go. Don't follow me!" before she fled the scrub room.

Meredith was agitated; she wanted to flee because that was what she knew how to do. She just needed to get away from Derek for a night. Before she had finished her therapy, she might have gone to see Dr. Wyatt, but her therapist had told her that she was ready to deal with her problems on her own now. Meredith didn't know what to do, so she turned to the one person she knew wouldn't ask any questions. Sadie was doing charting when Meredith walked up to her "Sadie, I need to get away, we have to go somewhere tonight, like the old times. Well I'm not going to drink obviously, but I just want to forget everything around me. Derek, he's suffocating me."  
Sadie looked at her slightly confused and answered "Fine, Joes and some night club after that?"

After crying in the supply closet and finishing her shift Meredith was ready to hit the bar with Sadie. They decided to go to Joes to kick off the night and talk before taking a taxi to a random night club. Meredith felt excited when they sat down at the bar.  
"Death, this is like the old times. Ever since I came to Seattle I thought you were boring, but you haven't changed. "Sadie laughed.  
"I haven't" Meredith replied even though she knew that she had. A year ago going to a bar and clubbing was a thing she did regularly on her few days off. She'd get drunk, hook up with a guy, have sex and leave the next morning, but now she was pregnant and married and hadn't been out since Derek had arrived in Seattle. Reminiscing about their past one special occasion came to her mind. "Remember when we crashed at Bryan Adelstein's place and I threw up on his living room carpet." She giggled.  
"Not one of your finer moments." Sadie agreed. "I was wondering how Sloan is?"  
Meredith looked at her confused. Her and Addison's pregnancy had been a constant source of gossip for all the nurses in the hospital, so Meredith was surprised Sadie hadn't heard anything about Mark's relationship. "Very committed with a very pregnant girlfriend." Meredith said "You met her, Dr. Montgomery. Derek's ex wife."  
"Hold on, Mark is really dating his best friends ex wife? I thought that was just hospital gossip." Sadie asked surprised.  
Meredith laughed. She was still mad at Derek. Madder than she wanted to admit, so she chose to answer in a passive aggressive tone "It's what healthy people do apparently. I wouldn't know anything about it because I make people miserable."  
"Want me to have a shot for you!" Sadie who sensed her anger wondered.  
Meredith giggled and held on to her club soda "Yeah, at least one of us has to get drunk tonight and since it isn't me, it's you!"

After Lexie joined them they took a taxi to a club at the other side of town. They wanted to make sure not to run into anyone they knew from the hospital. Meredith felt exhausted, but the dance floor was where she needed to be right now. She needed to have fun to distract herself from all the frustration surrounding the trial and her argument with Derek and a night with her girls had always been a way to do this. She knew that she'd be fine in the morning and ready to talk to Derek again, but right now she needed space.

They had been in the club for barely an hour when they were interrupted by Derek. Derek had looked for her everywhere. He had harassed Izzie, who was doing the night shift at the hospital, about Meredith's whereabouts, he had driven to Cristina's apartment, he had looked for her at the trailer, he got lucky when Lexie slipped where she was and had assumed Meredith was with her. "What are you doing here?" Meredith wondered.  
"I'm bringing you home." Derek yelled to make sure she heard him.  
"No, Derek. I'm not going anywhere with you." Meredith refused "I'm having fun with my friends."  
"Meredith, you are pregnant!" Derek insisted and tried to pull her towards the door and make her leave with him.  
"I shouldn't have fun because I'm pregnant?" Meredith yelled and brought up what he had told her in the scrub room. She was mad at him for what he had said in the scrub room and she was mad at him for ambushing her here "Oh, I forgot, you forgot what fun is because since you met me you are dull and boring and you fail because I force you to do things you don't want."  
"I can't believe this Meredith! You are almost at the end of your second trimester and you go to a night club and party. There are drunks all around you! Do you know what that's doing to the baby?" Derek asked accusingly.  
"Don't yell at me Derek because I'm still not over what you said the last time you yelled at me when we discussed the trial." Meredith insisted and looked around the dance floor to find Lexie and Sadie but the seemed AWOL "I know what I'm doing and I don't need you babysitting me. I'm perfectly capable of looking after myself. Seriously, Derek! I just want to enjoy myself for one night. I don't drink because I'm pregnant and I'm a responsible person and since I am the one who brings you down, you don't get to tell me anything right now. Leave me alone for one night! "  
"You should go home Meredith. Do you really think this is the best place to hang out for a pregnant woman? Your behavior has been erratic lately." Derek shouted.  
"My behavior has been erratic? Are you kidding me?" Meredith asked "You better get a brain scan for yourself, because with all this erratic behavior lately I'm inclined to think that you have a brain tumor. Don't you understand that I just needed to get away from all this trial drama between us for one night? Don't you think that all those dead patients get to me too? I just want to feel fixed for one night! Go! I mean it! Go now!"  
"You were fixed. Just so you know, you are off my trial!" Derek yelled. He was just as angry as Meredith and just as emotional "I'm not putting all this hard work into it just to let it be ruined by some bleary eyed resident. I can't tolerate this lack of professionalism."  
"Lack of professionalism? You are saying I am unprofessional?" Meredith laughed like she couldn't believe what she just had heard "You yelled at me and said it was your LOVE to me that makes you bad at your job. Do you want to discuss professionalism? Because I'm up for it, we can discuss how professional the one and only neuro god Derek Shepherd is right now, at this club, in front of everyone."  
"You are so ridiculous and irresponsible." Derek yelled and everything spiraled into a full blown fight where neither one of them was able to stop yelling at the other. Both of them had said things they didn't mean to hurt the other and both of them had no intention to stop.  
"I'm not. And just so you know, I'm off tomorrow, I can sleep in, we don't have a trial patient in four days. I wouldn't be here if I had patients to take care of tomorrow." Meredith shouted and almost all the people around them watched their fight. They were the center of attention once again. "I have all day to take care of buying stuff for the nursery, to paint the walls and to baby and Derek proof the house. You agreed to do this with me four weeks ago when I rearranged my schedule accordingly. But it's seems that it's not important enough for you to remember."  
"I gave up Chief for you!" Derek yelled.  
"What? Why do you bring this up now? It's a decision you made." Meredith replied. He had never asked her if it was something she wanted, it had been something he had decided. It wasn't fair to bring it up now. "I never told you to decline the offer. I was surprised that you declined the offer. Don't let it sound like I'm some hit-and-run driver who hit you and now you are slowly bleeding to death near the side of the road. Is that how I make you feel?"  
"Yes you do!" Derek screamed and turned around. Meredith grabbed his arm and pulled him closer to her. As she reached his ear she whispered "Well, if you mean what you are saying I don't think we should share a bed tonight, don't come to the house, I don't want to see you, I'm going to get Alex or Izzie to pack a bag for you and drop it off at the hospital. If you being with me means that all these people die, we shouldn't be together. I don't want to have that blood on my hands."

Meredith had broken down into Lexie's arms after Derek had left. Neither Sadie nor Lexie could make a lot of sense about the situation so they had decided to take Meredith home and call Izzie. Meredith was in her bedroom and cried hysterically. "Meredith, what's the matter. Why are you crying?" Izzie wondered as she sat down on the ground next to her.  
"Derek, Derek is the matter." Meredith managed to articulate in between heavy sobs. She pointed at the bag in front of her and said "I wanted to pack this bag with his stuff and I can't. My stupid hormones kicked in half way through and I've been crying ever since. But please, go, I really need to be by myself at the minute because I'll be by myself because Derek is blaming me and Derek is moving into his trailer or wherever, I don't care, I just bring this bag to the hospital and I stay here. I have to stay here. I have to stay because I make him miserable and ordinary and he kills patients because of me."  
Izzie looked shocked. "He didn't say that, did he?  
"He did and now go, I have to be…" Meredith told her and moved herself up to the bed.  
Izzie knew that Meredith was in no mood to calmed down and interrupted her "…alone, alright, don't do anything stupid, I'm going to bring Derek this bag."  
"Thanks!" Meredith said and continued to cry.

_Love is like any other addiction. It screws you up. Most people, in the end, really are all on their own._


	53. Chapter 53

_Thank you for the reviews! I really appreciate the feedback. The next few chapters are going to be quite angsty because both Meredith and Derek are too stubborn to admit to their mistakes. They both have their flaws and Meredith has to deal with the ghosts of her past once more. _

* * *

**Chapter 53 Room For More**

Derek sat in his office and regretted that he had tried to talk to Meredith in the nightclub. He knew that they needed to talk, but he wasn't sure whether he had done more damage than he was able to repair. "How is Meredith?" Derek asked Izzie when she entered his office with the bag Meredith had packed for him. Izzie put down the bag on the floor and looked at him in anger.  
"How do you think Meredith is? What did you do to her, Dr. Shepherd? She's pregnant and right now, she's in her bed room and weeps her eyes out." Izzie lectured him "Her mother did enough damage to her and now you go and trample all over her. What were you thinking?"  
"Can you tell her that…" Derek tried to ask, but was interrupted by a furious Izzie "… no, I won't give her a message. You screwed up, hurt her and I'm not your private messenger to her. You told your pregnant wife that she's the reason you are ordinary and the reason your trial patients die. Seriously, just stay away from her!"  
"Please take care of her!" Derek said when Izzie banged his office door loudly after leaving the room.

* * *

"So how are you?" Cristina asked when she came into Meredith's bed room the next morning. "Izzie told me to look after you."  
"I'm fine, but Derek is a jackass." Meredith smiled. She had cried until she fell asleep because of exhaustion. "Do you hear that baby? Your daddy is an idiot."  
"So what are we going to do today?" Cristina wondered.  
"We are going to paint the nursery because I'm getting really big and I won't be able to do it much longer." Meredith explained.  
"Have you thought about the color you want to use?" Cristina wondered.  
"Red, like blood. I like blood. " Meredith replied calmly. It looked like she tried to imagine how the room would look like covered in human blood.  
"You are still in a brilliant mood" Cristina concluded.  
"What do you expect? My husband whose child I'm carrying said I am the reason he sucks at his job and moved into a trailer in the woods last night." Meredith replied  
"Well to be fair, you told him to move out." Cristina reminded her.  
"I told him to get away from me because he was a jackass." Meredith corrected her. "He can come back and apologize anytime he wants" Cristina sensed that there was not much point in talking Meredith out of the chosen color. "Red it is!" she concluded.  
Meredith got up and put on a jacket. She was smiling and in an oddly happy mood. "But we are going to buy the furniture first and have it delivered to the house. By the time they deliver that stuff we should be done with the painting. I want white furniture because I like the contrast."  
"Have you done it before?" Cristina wondered.  
"Painting a wall? No, but it shouldn't be too complicated. I mean, get the supplies, cover everything you don't want to paint, paint the wall. Finished." Meredith told her friend "It's not brain surgery. And even brain surgery doesn't require a brain like my dear husband proofed."  
They both laughed about this remark. Derek had been a jerk and Cristina knew that Meredith needed all the support she could get .They drove to the baby furniture store first and arranged everything for a same day delivery later in the afternoon before heading off to the home improvement store to buy some red paint and a few white picture frames. While painting the room proofed to be an easy task, the crib was a more challenging task. "Christ, I can't believe it's so difficult to assemble all the parts of a crib. It's definitely more difficult to assemble that than to perform a Whipple." Meredith giggled after Cristina found a left over screw. "Are you sure we can put a baby in there?"  
"Yeah, I'm more exhausted than after an entire day of work." Cristina nodded.  
"Wow, this looks amazing! You did this?" Izzie asked. The former office looked amazing. The red wall color and the white furniture and curtains made it look like the room had been decorated by a professional.  
"Yeah, we did this. We painted the room, we bought the furniture, we did it. All by ourselves. Because we don't need men in our lives, we can do it all on our own." Meredith told her.  
Cristina laughed and told Izzie about her shopping experience. "The lady in the baby store thought we were lesbians who had a baby together"  
"That's a lot of bullshit!" Izzie looked at her, but Meredith confirmed Cristina's story. "No, she really did. She asked us how we found a father or whether he did IVF."  
Izzie shook her head in disagreement. After talking to Derek during work she knew that Meredith needed to talk to him. "That's not what I meant. You have to talk to Shepherd! I'm sure he didn't mean what he said." As she tried to persuade Meredith to talk to Derek Alex came in and looked at the newly done up room "Because sometimes guys are just idiots who are unable to communicate"  
"Why do you look at me now?" Alex asked back.  
"He's the dad." Izzie insisted.  
Meredith left the room and told her "Well he can be the dad when the kid is there. I don't want him near me now."  
"So he still didn't apologize for what he said after the surgery?" Izzie wondered.  
"I guess he was trying to do that last night, but he ended up shouting and yelling at me. No, he did not apologize." Meredith told her harshly. "Don't talk to me about things he told you"

* * *

Derek was glad that the rumor mill wasn't working full speed yet. Nobody at the hospital knew about his fight except for Meredith's friends. He hadn't slept and he looked miserable. "Be the change you want to see in the world" Mark told him when he entered the elevator.  
Derek eyed him suspiciously "Did you just quote Gandhi to me?"  
Mark smirked "I'm not an idiot and Addison is all about being Zen. You look like crap by the way. What's the matter?"  
Derek took a deep breath and asked Mark to come into his office to explain what had happened to Mark. "Seriously? You are mad at her for being irresponsible? When has anything you two did ever been responsible?" Mark wondered after Derek was finished.  
"What do you mean?" Derek wondered for a second and looked at Mark in a hope for an answer.  
Mark looked at his friend. "You do remember any of the details of your relationship? " he laughed and started to list some of their not so responsible moments "The drunken wedding in Vegas the night you met, the making out in supply closets or the unplanned baby. Going out and having a bit of fun is not least responsible one of you ever did."  
Derek laughed "You have a point."  
"I know." Mark said delighted "I'm getting really good at giving advice to other people."  
"I gave up Chief because of her and she kicked me out." Derek said looking at his coffee cup. They were both quiet for a while. Mark had managed to calm Derek down a bit and give him some perspective, but he had no idea how his friend would be able to fix it. He tried to provide some consolation instead "You can be lucky not to be with her right now, Addison is a pain in the ass." Addison had kicked him out of the bed room last night after he had refused to get her a pizza from a pizzeria at the other side of town.  
Derek mocked him. "I'm inclined to think that she's always a pain in the ass. I lived with her for a while, you know.  
"You're an ass." Mark laughed and looked at Derek, who apologized immediately "Pregnancy hormones running wild?" Mark rolled his eyes and nodded. "So what are you going to do? You have to make this right, Derek".

_Throughout the past 5000 years humanity has advanced and when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature. Without this rebellious immature behavior surgery would never have been born. No responsible person would ever have allowed anybody to drill a hole into their skull or make an incision into their abdomen. Without rebellion there'd be no advance. But something rebellion can have devastating effects. Rebellions started wars and bloody revolutions that destroyed thousands of lives. We never know which effect out decisions have. They can be either beneficial or devastating. We never know which until we made the move._


	54. Chapter 54

**Chapter 54 One Last Word**

_Tomorrow will be better. But what if it's not?  
Then you say it again tomorrow. Because it might be. You never know, right? At some point, tomorrow will be better._

Meredith got up from her bed, the alarm clock had woke her up, the other side of the bed was empty. It had been empty ever since their fight. It was Christmas, she was 26 weeks pregnant and she was alone. As a child Christmas had always been one of Meredith's least favorite holidays. Everyone was surrounded by family, while she was in the hospital with a few nurses who looked after her and brought her leftovers from their Christmas dinners. She had thought that things would be different this year, but it was Christmas and she was still fighting with her husband (or not talking to him). After their fight they had stopped to talk to each other. They had continued to work on their trial together, but had kept talking to a minimum. It was medicine only. She felt alone even with people around her. When she walked downstairs she looked at the Christmas tree Izzie had bought and decorated. She stepped into the kitchen and grabbed a few cookies and poured herself a cup of decaf coffee.

* * *

"Tracy?" Philip asked when he heard someone enter the room.  
"No, it's Dr. Shepherd." Derek said as he approached the patient.  
"I hate this not being able to see. I just want to see my wife. Whenever I looked at her I just think that she's the one that makes my ordinary life special, worthwhile. Do you know how precious that is? Spending time with the love of your life?" Philip asked him. Derek's heart hurt for a second. He knew what it felt like. He had the privilege of working with her, being around her all day, but he had hurt her deeply and badly and she didn't accept his apologies after what had happened in the scrub room and the night club. Meredith even refused to talk to him outside work or OB appointments.  
Derek wanted to have another chance and he wanted Philip and his wife to have the chance to spend as much time together as possible. "Phillip, this is an extremely risky operation. You still may have a few weeks to live. You could spend that time with your wife. You don't have to do this surgery today"  
He nodded and admitted "I don't want to leave her alone. She's just so special. It's the one thing about all this I really can't stand. I just want her to be all right when I'm gone. You need to tell her that. She's my sun. I want to be hers. I want to be wherever I go. She has to know that I'm always going to be there even when I'm not. If love was enough, I'd be there."  
Derek leaned over and reminded him. "Before you go into surgery, you need to remember this conversation, and you need to tell her that."

* * *

After he had ordered a nurse to take the patient for a pre op head CT he hurried to Meredith's OB appointment. Meredith and Addison were already in the exam room when he came in. "This is going to be one of the last appointments before maternity leave, are you excited?" Addison said as she sat down next to Meredith to perform an ultrasound.  
"We have appointments four and two weeks before the due date." Derek wondered and looked at Meredith.  
Addison laughed "I won't be here for that Derek. I take an extended maternity leave because I feel exhausted all the time and want to have some time to myself before I have a newborn to take care of."  
"Oh, right. I almost forgot." Derek nodded.  
"Are you blind?" Meredith rolled her eyes and apologized to Addison "Sorry Dr. Montgomery."  
"It's alright Dr. Grey. I know I'm huge." Addison said amused.  
"So am I." Meredith laughed and wondered "How does the baby look?"  
"Why don't you tell me yourself?" Addison asked her and showed the monitor to her "See it as part of your training."  
"The baby looks fine, healthy. Placenta too." Meredith summarized what she saw on the screen. All of a sudden she had an idea how to make things better between them. "It's perfect. Except for the eleventh finger."  
"We are having a boy?" Derek wondered. "I thought you didn't want to know"  
"Well, Merry Christmas, he kind of revealed himself there, kind of like his dad, always acting without thinking about the consequences" Meredith said as harsh as she possibly could. "So don't tell anybody"

After Addison left the room Meredith turned to Derek and said "Alright, Derek, I know I'm stubborn and I can be a pain in the ass. Maybe if this wasn't a one way street, where only one of us tried to fix the problem, maybe if we could tackle the problems from two sides, we'd have a chance."  
"What did you just say? Derek asked her. He had heard and processed what she said and it was solving more than one problem.  
Meredith took a deep breath because she thought that Derek had not been listening to her, which made her slightly angry "That we need to tackle our problems from two sides; that not one of us can get through the problem; that we need to work on our problem together."  
"You are brilliant, Meredith." Derek got up, kissed her. ""You are you! You are amazing! This might actually work"  
"What have I done?" Meredith looked at him puzzled. She didn't know how to react. "Come on, Derek, I don't have a clue what you are talking about."  
"Scrub in with me for patient #10." Derek told her as he left the room in a hurry. All of a sudden he was full of hope.  
Meredith followed him and had a heart time to keep up with his pace "I don't want to, I told you I didn't want to work with you anymore. You said I was unprofessional, so why would you want to work with me"  
"Well, I'm the attending, you're the intern, you will scrub in or I'm going to take this up to your Chief resident" Derek insisted.  
Meredith was about to get mad when her pager went off and she decided to just excuse herself and leave "I have to go, the Chief paged me.

* * *

"Dr. Grey, Dr. Grey. Please sit down." The Chief ordered when she and Lexie entered his office. The sisters exchanged a confused look. Neither one of them knew why they had been paged to the office. Meredith leaned over to Lexie and whispered "Do you know what this is about? Have we killed someone?" They both laughed.  
The Chief sat down on his desk and explained. "Your father's here. He's 4 months sober, just out of rehab. He's taking it seriously. He's working his steps. The ninth step is to make amends wherever possible. It's the key to an alcoholic's recovery- to take responsibility for the wreckage of his past. I paged you here, to ask you to please hear him out. As a favor to me- to please hear him out. It's Christmas soon and everyone deserves a second chance on Christmas."

"I'm s- I'm so deeply s-sorry for every time that I ever hurt you or disappointed you or let you down. I don't deserve your forgiveness. But I hope- I-I so hope- that you'll give me the opportunity to earn it." Thatcher stuttered. Both girls sensed that he was nervous.  
After he was finished there was a moment of awkward silence where the three eyed each other. Meredith and Lexie exchanged a look and it seemed like Lexie begged Meredith with her eyes to say something. Meredith mumbled "Thank you. Uh, congratulations on you seem well. Good luck."  
Lexie's reaction was another one. He had abandoned her when she needed him the most, he had abandoned Meredith when she had needed him the most, he had never told her that she had an older sister. She was angry and shouted "What are you sorry for? What exactly are you sorry for? Tell me! "  
"Lexie!" Meredith exclaimed when Lexie tried to leave the room.  
"No, don't ! He left you, he never told us about you until this year! We never got the chance to meet you before that, I'd have loved to have an older sister and when mom died, he left us. He left us!" Lexie screamed.  
Meredith tried to appease her, but she stormed out. "Lexie! Calm down!"  
Meredith turned around and decided to talk to Thatcher before trying to get Lexie back in the room "Listen, I'll talk to her, she'll come around. She really needs you! Good luck with your recovery. "  
"You are pregnant, congratulations." Thatcher smiled.  
"Thank you. I have to go." Meredith tried to smile, but couldn't. She left Thatcher in the Chief's office and went after Lexie.

* * *

"How's big Grey doing?" Mark asked when he saw Derek sitting in the attending lounge.  
"Meredith? I don't know, I tried to get a hold of her before surgery, but she's pretending to be busy." Derek said with a sad look on his face.  
"So you're going to kill another patient for sport today?" Mark asked looking at the paper work in front of Derek. "Nice way to start Christmas week"  
"Mark, I know what we can do. It's brilliant. I refined the method. If we can access the tumor from two sides we can reduce the concentration of the virus and increase exposure at the same time while reducing the risk that the virus reverts into another area.".Derek explained the refined approach. "But I only thought about it because she spelled out the solution to our problem. But she doesn't know."  
"She doesn't know?" Mark laughed. It was a mystery to him how someone could help to refine the approach that is taken in a medical procedure without their knowledge.  
Derek laughed for a second and started to explain "Well, we talked about our personal problems, not about the trial, but what she said was the solution to all the problems we had in the trial. She said we should tackle the problem from two sides. It's precisely what we are going to do, inject the virus from two sides."  
"Do you think this would actually work?" Mark wondered.  
"Yes, it's Meredith's idea. She's brilliant." Derek said with a big smile on his face.  
"You haven't talked about her in that way since" Mark interjected when he saw how Derek's eyes lit up.  
"I screwed up. I know." Derek admitted.  
"No, since the beginning of the trial" Mark said "Things have gotten more and more tense ever since you started. You went on fewer and fewer dates, you grew more resentful, you … never mind"

Meredith followed Lexie down the hall when she finally caught up with her Meredith grabbed her arm and tried to encourage her to talk to her dad "Lexie, you have to listen to him, just go in there and listen to him. He was your dad more than he was mine so he hurt you more by drinking than he hurt me by drinking, go in there, hear him out. I know you want to"  
"Well you refuse to talk to Derek, I refuse to talk to dad." Lexie tried to bargain.  
"So if I talk to Derek, you are going to talk to your dad?" Meredith regretted her words in an instant. They had not exchanged a friendly word outside the hospital since their fight. The OB appointment had been the only time Meredith had talked to Derek in private since leaving the night club and he had been an ass at the end of that too. Why would he pull ranks and force her to scrub in with him? But she decided to give in to Derek's demand because she deserved the chance to make things right with her dad and she was sure that her conversation with Derek would end in angry yelling again. "Fine, go and talk to your dad now, I'll talk to Derek after surgery."

* * *

Meredith was hesitant to go into the scrub room. She knew Derek would be there and she knew he would say hurtful things again or that he would give her the silent treatment. Communications had broken down completely between them and at this moment in time she wasn't sure whether it was fixable. They stood next to each other in silence and peeked at each other for a few seconds at a time. Meredith told herself to calm down, to act professional. Her pregnancy and her relationship to Derek should have no influence on her surgical performance, the patient deserved her undivided attention even though it was likely that he wouldn't make it out of the OR no matter what.  
When she walked into the OR it was barely lit because the patient had already been put under and the fluorescent fluid had already been injected into the tumor. She saw that Derek had adapted the apparatus and when he saw her at the OR table he started to explain "We have to be in total sync for the virus to have maximum infiltration."  
Meredith nodded and took one of the injections.  
"Okay? Ready? Go." Derek told her and they both started to push the virus in.  
"Easy." Derek insisted. They both observed the progression monitor and they weren't in sync. "Slow down." Derek insisted, but Meredith's injection still progressed faster than Derek's when they reached the 33%.  
"Easy." Derek insisted again. "Slow down. Slow down."  
"Look at me. Don't look at the machine." Derek insisted when his injection had caught up with Meredith. "Look at me."  
Their eyes met and for a short moment in time they connected. Their eyes locked, his beautiful blue eyes were all she could see and listening to his voice "That's it." Derek said as the injection reached the 90%s. They looked at each other and for a few seconds it felt like the whole world around them had disappeared. "That's it. The virus is in. we're standing on the moon, Dr. Grey." He smiled at her. It was the McDreamy smile she hadn't seen in a long time and his eyes were sparkling and her hormones were going crazy.  
When they walked into the scrub room they had forgotten about their fights and were completely taken in by the moment. "That was great." Derek said with a huge smile on his face. "Totally sync, like we were one person." Meredith told him and looked at him for a second.  
Their eyes met. "Yeah, it was great. You did great." He agreed.  
"Thanks." Meredith smiled. They were both unaware that their bodies were moving towards each other and Meredith was taken by surprise when their lips touched. It was the first kiss in the two weeks since their fight and it felt magical. There had been no mistletoe, but they had kissed. Too magical, in fact. When Meredith realized what was happening, she turned around and left the room. She had felt amazing, but it had felt like some strange kind of addiction, not like something healthy one should hold onto. "I have to talk to the family" Meredith stuttered and fled the scrub room.

* * *

After seeing her dad and kissing Derek whom she still wasn't willing to talk to all her emotions felt like they had been put into a blender and had been mixed together. She felt everything at once when she sat in front of her locker. Richard approached her and she wondered. "Is this another heart-to-heart? What were you thinking?"  
"What happened between you and Derek?" Richard wondered.  
"What happened between you and Ellis? Why did you run? You never got to be with her and now she's dead and you are still here. On my first day you told me I looked like my mom and you treated me different than other interns and residents ever since, why? To fix something you broke 20 years ago? You two never tried. Mom ran to Boston and you never went after her. You know that she tried to kill herself the night before we went to Boston?"  
Richard remained silent.  
"I don't want to deal with him! I wasn't ready to forgive him and Lexie wasn't either. You can't abuse your power like that just because you feel bad about the way you destroyed his marriage."  
"I know you don't like me. And you have every right not to like me. I have abused my power, but now I'm here on your turf, and what I need to say What I need to say is I saw what your mother was doing. I saw how neglected you were, I saw her drive your father off, and I spent a lot of time beating myself up about that. But what does that do for you? Nothing." Richard admitted. "Nothing. I wasn't your advocate. I didn't fight for you. I never stood up for you. I let myself off the hook. I told myself I was young and didn't know any better, but I did know better. I wasn't much younger than you are now. I should've fought for you, Meredith, like you fought for that child in peds the other day. I told myself that I wasn't your father, that it wasn't my responsibility, that I was right not to butt in. I let myself off the hook. You were helpless. You were a baby a beautiful smart, funny little girl. And no one stood up for you. I'm so sorry for today. I'm so sorry for what happened back then. I'm so sorry."  
Meredith nodded and admitted "I'm afraid to become her. I mean she was a resident with a baby but she had Thatcher. He took care of me."  
"What's holding you back, Meredith?"  
Meredith took her bag and got up. The Chief was one of the last people she wanted to involve in her personal problems with Derek. "Too much" was all she said when she left the room. "Too much"


	55. Chapter 55

**Chapter 55 A Minor Variation**

_I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. They don't teach you how to love somebody. They don't teach you how to be famous. They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer. They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying. They don't teach you anything worth knowing. We have to figure the important things out for ourselves and there are no mocks or do overs in real life._

* * *

When she drove home from the hospital she listened to the radio. "I'll be home for Christmas", "All I want for Christmas is you" and all these happy songs didn't quite hit her nerve so she decided to turn off the radio. She knew her friends were waiting at home but she knew Derek would be there and she wondered what he was doing tonight. When they had planned it back at thanksgiving they had agreed on a casual get together at Christmas Eve, but Izzie had taken over the kitchen two days ago to prepare a meal, so Meredith knew that it would be anything but a casual get together. The house looked like Santa's elves had taken over the task of decorating.

* * *

When she arrived at home everyone waited for her in the kitchen. Alex was already sampling the sauce and Izzie was about to cut the turkey when Lexie took over for her. Cristina and Izzie brought Meredith into the living room telling her "Mer, we need to talk."

"About what?" Meredith said defensive.

"Shepherd. You are miserable, he is miserable. I can't stand it. It's McDreary here, McDreamy there. You need to make this right. It's Christmas and you're having his baby" Cristina reminded her. "He's not going to disappear even if you wish he did."

"I don't think I can." Meredith insisted and told them about what had happened in the scrub room after surgery "I kissed him or he kissed me, or we kissed each other, my stupid hormones took control of my brain and I kissed him. I don't want to kiss him. I want him to apologize."

"You can do it, Mer." Cristina tried to persuade her "You are the most screwed up person I know and not too long ago you told me he was 'the love of your life'."

"Maybe I was wrong." Meredith said. "This whole last year was one big gigantic mistake."

Izzie interjected "I don't think you were. You kissed him. I think you two have said a whole lot of rubbish you didn't mean because he was hurt and you were hurt and you wanted the other one to feel your pain."

"Is this some sort of intervention now?" Meredith wondered "Because if it is, I need a muffin."

"No muffin, Meredith, you quit, because quitting is what you know how to do, your mother quit your father, your father quit you and looking back on the past 15 months you quit your life on a number of occasions." Izzie attempted to play the bad cop "Mer, this bomb situation, that was crazy and the drowning, you could have died! In fact you were dead! You quit! When things get hard you quit!"

"I don't quit! I am not a quitter! I miss him, I really miss him. I can't remember how it feels like if his hand touches my belly. I miss his smile. I just want to sleep again. I can't sleep without him. But he never came home after our fight, he doesn't want to be with me and I have to accept that." Meredith shouted.

"Is this what the therapist told you? Because it's bullshit." Cristina said calm "He kissed you. He kissed you and he chose to work with you"

Meredith didn't know how to respond and started to ramble having a thousand thoughts at once "That's what I got from talking to her, she said I know how to solve my problems on my own, that I don't need counseling. But I kissed him and I had no intention to kiss him. And I am so so tired of fighting for the things I want. In ten weeks I'm going to have a child. I need all my energy to take care of that. Because I have to stop hoping that things will turn around. This is not a fairytale and I'm not the princess. I'm a very very pregnant resident in a broken marriage. I just need a bit of hope"

* * *

It was quiet for a moment. Neither Izzie nor Cristina knew how to respond, but they turned their heads when they heard the door bell and Meredith decided to answer the door which she immediately started to regret when she saw who was standing there.

It was Derek and he held a nicely wrapped box in his hand. "What are you doing here?" she asked after she opened the door a little bit.

"I want to talk, Mer." Derek said and tried to walk in, but Meredith kept the door closed. "We need to talk"

"Alright, talk." Meredith commanded.

"Can I come in?" Derek asked friendly.

"No, but you can talk and I'm going to listen" Meredith told him.

"We kissed." Derek said.

"Yes, I know, I was there." Meredith admitted.

"What does this mean?" Derek wondered. "Our kiss?"

"It means that I got my hopes up and I won't get my hopes up again. I mean you told me not to get my hopes up" Meredith explained and looked at the floor to avoid looking into Derek's eyes.

Derek looked hurt after hearing what she had said and decided that it was probably too late. So he left the box at the front door, turned around and started to walk away. "You can have a look at it, I hope you like it. I guess it's too late and all I can tell you is how sorry I am for everything I said. I wanted us. I still want to be with you, but I guess what we had is just gone. I ruined it and I'm going to let you celebrate Christmas with your friends. So, I'm not going to pressure you into anything. Good bye." Meredith breathed in. She didn't want them to end that way. Chief Webber had been right, everyone deserved a second chance on Christmas. She opened the door and went after him in her slippers. "I got my hopes up, but I'm not a quitter Derek. Izzie and Cristina say I am, but I'm not."

Derek turned around and she was able to see his smile "I know you're not because you are amazing. Injecting the virus from two sides to increase the impact, it was your idea and it's going to work, the patient is in the ICU. It's going to work. Meredith, on the way here, I stopped and I got this for when we get it right. Because we will. We will succeed. And when we do, we're going to open this bottle of champagne, and we're going to drink to Phillip Robinson and Darren Covington. and all the other patients who helped us change the face of medicine, and we're going to celebrate. Meredith, we will. we will open this bottle of champagne."

"I'm pregnant. I can't drink champagne. I'm still not over what you said." Meredith reminded him harshly. She tried hard not to fall for another of his McDreamy speeches.

He stood in front of her and looked into her eyes. "Meredith, calm down. The trial will be a success."

"It might, but what about us, Derek, are we going to succeed?" Meredith asked. She dreaded the answer. She just looked at him and he looked at her. After what felt like an eternity his lips started to move.

"I hope we do. I love you. Just listen to me." Derek begged. "You are amazing. Just listen to me."

"I don't want to because the tune you are singing right now is a different one. Two weeks ago you said I was the reason you are ordinary, that I was the reason you fail, this trial fails, you wanted to kick me out of our trial for personal reasons after our fight. My mother said all those things and I don't want my husband to tell me the same. We won't succeed. There's no point in even trying." Meredith said with a sad look on her face.

"Do you really think so?" Derek wondered. "Do you really think that there is no point in trying?"

"You stopped showing up. You promised me you'd always show up. I have slept alone for two weeks, when I crave for food, I drive to the supermarket myself, when I cry because of my stupid hormones it's Lexie or Izzie who comfort me because you disappeared to live in the middle of freaking nowhere. I'm spending Christmas without you." Meredith yelled. "I have to go to the toilet way more often than I'd like to. At this point in time I think that I'm going to succeed and you are going to succeed, but I'm not sure whether WE will succeed. Derek, I think you have given up on our relationship. You don't fight. Just show me that there's a reason for me to clink on to a tiny bit of hope. Because I'm having your baby, I really need the hope for a happy ending right now."

"I have not given up, Meredith, I love you." Derek told her

"But sometimes love just isn't enough. You have a weird way of showing it anyway. I was mad at you and ignored you after you told me all those hurtful things. But I still love you." Meredith cried and tears ran down her cheeks, but after she managed to calm herself down, she came up with something. ."So as this is Christmas Eve, here's my present for you: we'll try to repair us, but band aids don't work, so there gotta be rules because this is about trust. This is how: no touching, no kissing, no sleepovers, no sex, we meet for lunch in the cafeteria every day and we talk. We work on the trial together and we talk like normal civilized people. You come to my OB appointments if you want and we see how things go from there. Can we agree on this?"

"You are standing underneath a mistletoe."

"What?"

"You are standing underneath a mistletoe and it's Christmas. Technically I'd be allowed to kiss you because you are standing underneath a mistletoe, but I'm going to walk the line here."

"You better do." Meredith said while her lips moved closer to his "Because that'd be kissing and touching" she continued and her lips touched his. For a moment they were engaged in the moment kissing each other on the illuminated front porch. "and the touching leads to sex" Meredith mumbled

"No, Meredith, this is bad news" Derek told her and broke off the kiss. "Merry Christmas Meredith, I guess I have to go now. I'd be bad news if I'd stay around much longer" Derek smiled relieved that they were going to talk to each other again.

"Alright, Derek, good night and Merry Christmas. See you around." Meredith told him as she closed the front door and bit her lips.

* * *

"Lexie, I just wanted to check on you. It's the sisterly thing to do, isn't it? So did you talk to him?" Meredith asked her sister, who was cleaning some of the pots in the kitchen.

"Yeah, we talked. He's okay, he went back to work this week and he wants us to have dinner with him this weekend. He said he felt lonely." Lexie told her. "It's his first Christmas without her."

"Are you okay?" Meredith wondered. "I mean it's your first Christmas without her too and the first one without Molly I assume."

"I am. You are here and I love you. Even if you don't love me. Are you? Okay I mean." Lexie asked.

"Derek and I talked. I'm glad you and Thatcher did." Meredith said as she used a kitchen towel to help to clean up everything.


	56. Chapter 56

**Chapter 56 Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer**

"Why are you starring at that box like there's a bomb in it? Who got you that?" Cristina wondered as she looked at Meredith who was sitting on the couch with Derek's present on her lap.

"Derek" Meredith stated and looked at her friend hoping that she would tell her what to do.

"Do you wanna open it?" Cristina wondered.

"I don't know. I really want to know what's inside, but I'm afraid. I'm just afraid" Meredith admitted "I kissed him. Twice actually. I kissed Derek twice. In the scrub room and when he came to bring me this present. "

"You kissed McDreamy." Cristina repeated.

"Twice." Meredith added

"Yeah, so what does it mean?" Cristina wondered, but they heard a "Beep" and then another one and another one and saw Alex grabbing his code.

"Means that Christmas is over. 911 page" Meredith said after she looked at her pager.

* * *

The halls of the hospital looked like every other day. After they had changed into their scrubs they all rushed to the trauma bay, where Bailey was already waiting for them.

"Merry Christmas, everyone. I'm sorry to mess your Christmas up like this, but there's Trauma coming in. Head on collision, family of six. Mother and father in critical condition and unresponsive, Stevens, Grey, Yang, Torres you get them into an OR, Webber and Hunt are on their way, the oldest son is presented with a splinter in his eyes, we already paged an ophthalmologist for a consult, Shepherd and Sloan are coming to see him and he needs to be taken for a CT, Grey take care of that, the younger one is unconscious, Karev, get him to an OR stat and the oldest daughter appears to be unharmed, Smith and Chang you do a full work up and make sure she's okay. The younger one had been trapped underneath the car and we called ortho, I'm going to be in the OR with you, Miller Huntington you are responsible for her. The driver of the other car has been taken to Seattle Pres."

"Merry Christmas to them" Meredith said bitterly.  
"Merry Christmas indeed" Cristina sighed.

* * *

_Sometimes it takes death to see life. Life is too precious to live with regrets. Soak up every moment because you can't stop time. That moment when everything flashes before your eyes before you die, it's called life. Live it!_

* * *

"Is that my mom?" the teenage approached the door of trauma room 1 in which Lexie, Izzie and Dr. Webber tried to revive the woman they had just brought in. Meredith observed them pushing atropine and performing CPR, but it seemed like they were not able to make her heart start beating again. The teenager started to cry in Meredith's arm.

"Hey, I know this is difficult, but you have to get back into that bed, you have to be checked out." Meredith tried to talk her down.

"But my family." The girl cried.

"I know, sweetie. I know. Calm down, everything is taken care of. There are a lot of Doctors working very hard to save your father and your siblings. I'm going to inform you about their progress, but please stay here. I'm going to take your brother for a CT now, so we can see what kind of damage the glass splinter in his eye did. There are three specialists working on that to save him" Meredith tried to console her and left her on a bed in the ER for Jackson to examine.

* * *

"Dr. Grey" Derek said when he walked into the room where they evaluated the CT pictures. Dr. Sloan was right beside him.

"Hello Dr. Shepherd, Dr. Sloan. 16 year old male, involved in a car accident." Meredith started to explain "He's been to CT 10 minutes ago, results should be up right now."

Sloan and Shepherd discussed the picture quietly when Dr. Kenner came in. She was working at Seattle Pres but was the only one available.

"Dr. Kenner, the glass penetrated the globe through to the orbit" Dr. Sloan explained. "He's going to lose his vision"

She shook her head "No, not necessarily, if you use a temporal approach it's possible to save it."

"Let's save the eye" Derek told her and rolled patient to the OR.

"I've got the bleeding under control, your turn Dr. Kenner" Derek told the nervous woman.

"Damn it!" she cursed.

"You pushed the glass in deeper" Derek said angry.

"There's a bone fragment." She explained and extracted it. "Here comes the fun part. Clamp"

"alright."

"It's out" Sloan said relieved "Let me take over, I'm going to take care of the rest."

"Heart rates up." The anesthetic guy alerted them. "Malignant hypothermia."

Meredith and he exchanged views. "We need ice as much ice as we can get."

"Let's get another cooling blanket in here." Derek said and put it on top of the patient's torso.

"Let's wait."

"Isn't it genetic?" Meredith asked after they had managed to stabilize the patient.

"Yes, we need to inform the others." Sloan confirmed. "Go and tell everyone"

"Heart rate is coming down" the nurse noted.

"Nice catch, you probably saved the patient's life." Derek told the anesthetic guy. "It's freezing in here."

"Post op instructions, Dr. Grey" Dr. Kenner told Meredith who held the boy's chart "Eye needs to be covered 24/7. TV all he wants, but no books."

"Alright. I'm going to write that down"

"Did I look nervous in there? I mean Dr. Shepherd is such an amazing and renowned neurosurgeon. I had to force myself to concentrate. I just kept thinking about my high school cross country team. Our coach told us to never look back and I didn't."

"You did fine in there" Meredith told her and wondered why that doctor seemed to have a crush on her husband. "You did very good. That boy is going to be able to see because of you."

"Do you think he would go out on a date with me?" She asked her.

Meredith's eyes widened and she bit her lips because she wanted to avoid being too snarky. "I doubt that his wife would appreciate this."

* * *

Meredith went back to the ER to inform the oldest daughter about the progress. "Your brother and sister just came out of surgery, they are okay."

"Thank you, but you have to make sure that nobody else tells them about my mom." The girl said looking at Meredith.

"I will" Meredith nodded. "We have to talk about your father though. He had to be revived several times and he keeps coding."

"I know, Dr. Hunt told me." The girl told her and referred to a conversation they had had before her brother had been taken to the CT "You asked me about extra ordinary measures before. What you are doing to my dad now, are those extraordinary?"

"Yes, they are." Meredith nodded.

"I think you should stop." Emily stated and started to cry. "I really don't think he would have wanted it. Hunt said it's more difficult to wake him up every time they revive him and they haven't been able to take him off life support."

"It's not that simple. It's not your call. You're the child" Meredith told her.

"It's my call, I turned 18 4 hours ago." The girl stated and Meredith was in shock for a moment. "If you take him off the machines and he lives, then he lives. If he doesn't then we'll let him go in peace. I'm the family they have. Take him out off his misery now. At least we let him go in peace. Please"

After consulting Dr. Webber and Jackson brought Meredith brought Emily into her father's room in the ICU

"Emily, we are going to start now." Dr. Webber started to explain what was going to happen. "His heart rate will slow down and it will offset the alarm"

"I'm going to put the alarm on mute." Meredith said softly "Once we took him off the ventilator, his breathing is going to go slower and slower and then his organs are going to fail because they need oxygen. And when there's no pulse, then he's gone. I'll wait outside."

"No, please wait." The girl asked her. She stood next to the girl who had lost her mother a few hours before witnessing her father's death. She cried in her arms and Meredith tried to console her.

* * *

"That girl trusted you." Derek stated when Meredith arrived at the station. He had observed the scene from afar and was aware of how well she had handled the situation.

"She did. I'm all she had" Meredith said with a poignant note.

"You were there when she was at her worst and you were understanding. You show compassion. You are going to be an amazing surgeon." Derek tried to cheer her up "Meredith, are you okay?"

"I am. She lost her home tonight. Her mom and dad died just like that. I keep thinking to myself what kind of screwed up world is this? It's Christmas, it's not supposed to be like this" Meredith sighed "Nothing is supposed to be like this. I just think I should stay here and be there for her tonight. Tomorrow is going to be hard."

"I'm on call tonight, if you need me." Derek said and a very small smile appeared on his face.

"Can you tell me what you got me?" Meredith asked him.

"You didn't open the box?" Derek wondered.

"I was going to, but my pager went off. So what did you get me?"

"You have to find out for yourself, Meredith." He said and looked at her with the same hesitant smile he had had before. "Open it when you are alone. I'm sure you'll like it"

"Don't take me off life support, Derek. I want extra ordinary measures." Meredith said softly.

"I won't pull the plug on you, I never will" Derek nodded. "I would ship you off to some long term intensive care facility and hope for miracles and magic."

"Thank you. See you for lunch today." Meredith said and smiled "I'll try to find a free bed in an on call room to get a few hours of sleep before rounds. Dr. Kenner has a crush on you, so watch out."

"You can sleep in my office, if you don't find a bed." Derek reminded her.

* * *

"You are still here, it's Christmas." Meredith said when she saw Derek sitting at his desk.  
"So are you."  
"Well I'm a resident, the hospital owns me and I have rounds in like an hour."  
"You look sad."  
"Sad and exhausted. Tonight is just one of the nights that makes you wonder why the universe is so screwed up. Those kids lost their parents on their way to Midnight mass. It's screwed up."  
"Meredith, we can't save everyone. There are days where we can, but today is one of the days where they are just too far gone. There's nothing we could have done."  
"I know"  
"You handled that situation very well. You know that, right?"  
"You don't have to do that."  
"Don't have to do what?"  
"Say nice things about … "  
"I say those things because they are true, Meredith. That girl turned to you, she trusted you. You handled the situation very well." "Care to tell me why you walked back in after we kissed?"  
"I'm afraid, Derek. My mother never made me feel like I was good enough and for the longest time I believed it. The things you said at the club and after surgery that day, they hurt me because I felt like I was talking to my mother again. From the moment we started dating you were perfect, cocky and arrogant, but perfect. You destroyed something in me that day. That bit of unconditional trust is hard to rebuild. It's hard to adjust my view to the possibility that you might not be perfect after all. I just have to figure out if I'm able to do that. I really hope I can, but right now I just don't know."

"Merry Christmas Meredith"  
"Merry Christmas Derek."


	57. Chapter 57

**Chapter 57 Crazy Times**

"I can't believe it's going to be a new year already." Cristina said looking at the new calendar in the resident's lounge. She and Meredith were getting changed after their last shift of the year and were about to head back to the house to drink a glass of wine in the living room.

"We were busy." Meredith sighed.

"Yeah, two wedding, two pregnancies, lots of heart ache and drama. Seattle Grace is like our own evening drama show." Cristina said sarcastically. Their lives had indeed been a central source of hospital gossip.

"I can't believe I got married in Vegas." Meredith giggled.

"and I can't believe I ever agreed to get married at all." Cristina added.

"I had sex with an attending." Meredith stated shaking her head. "Two generations of Greys had sex inside the walls of this hospital."

"I can't believe I was pregnant with an attendings' baby." Cristina laughed. "It was a crazy year."

"Yeah, I mean, a year ago I had you guys, now I have a husband and a sister and a dad sort of and for a short period of time I even had something like a mom and I have in laws." Meredith said reminiscing about the past year. She had changed. "I should go and talk to Derek. Do you know whether he is on call?"

"I saw his name on the board. He should be around."

* * *

Joe's bar looked the same like every other night. People sat next to each other and talked about their hopes for the New Year and about what they had experienced in the past year. Some were wearing goofy Happy New Year glasses, others were downing shots to welcome the New Year. "What a rollercoaster ride of a year." Mark told Derek when he sat down next to him.

"A divorce, a wedding, a new job with a nice pay rise, a new city, a baby on the way. Couldn't get any better or crazier if you consider that my best friend and my ex wife are having a baby. Could it?" Derek laughed and took a little sip of his Single Malt Scotch.

"You and Grey need to talk. So, no more drinking, she is off tonight, so you might find her at the house. Talk!" Mark told his friend and reached over to his glass. "I'm on call tonight, so I'm going to be back at the hospital after this one, but you have to go now, go and talk to your wife."

"I have to go." Derek nodded and left the bar in a hurry.

* * *

Meredith had waited in front of the OR for almost 30 minutes only to find out that Dr. Nelson had covered the surgery for Derek and was now looking for him everywhere in the hospital. "Grey, what are you doing here?" Mark wondered when Meredith looked for Derek in the attending's lounge.

"I was looking for Derek, but I can't find him."

"You two are an incredible match." Mark said. "He went to your house looking for you."

* * *

Derek hurried through the light New Years Eve traffic to Meredith's house. He wanted to talk to her and he felt like it was the right moment to do so. He rang the door and hoped she'd answer it.

"Hey, Sadie. I was looking for Meredith." Derek told Sadie after she had opened the door. Sadie looked surprised.

"She's not here." Sadie stated.

"Are you sure? Mark said she was off tonight." Derek wondered and for a second the thought that she didn't want to see him crossed his mind.

"She isn't here. You can have a look around if you want." Sadie suggested "but you are not going to find her."

"Do you have a clue where she might be?" Derek asked "I really need to see her."

"I'd say she's still at the hospital if she isn't here."

* * *

_Fear is to begin with the end in mind, but there is no end. Life is eternal. It even goes on without you. Live life knowing that the end was your past, and the future is only full of beautiful beginnings._

* * *

"Happy New Year, Dr. Grey, may I sit." Derek said with a smile on his face when he walked up to Meredith's table in the cafeteria. Their daily lunch dates in the cafeteria still felt unnatural and uncomfortable.

"You are welcome Dr. Shepherd" Meredith smiled, looked up at him and said "Good to see you, Derek. Mark said you were looking for me yesterday. I was looking for you too, but I was paged and then I was stuck in a trauma surgery for 5 hours. How is patient #9?"

'Like us' he thought to himself 'Still alive, but…' "Still in a coma." He sighed and for a moment neither of them said anything. Meredith took a bite of salad and Derek looked at her and finally said "So we talk in the cafeteria now. It's very public"

Ever since Christmas Day they had met there at 12.00 pm to have lunch and talk. "It's very public" Meredith said. It was still awkward between them because they hadn't talked about their fight yet. "Did I ever tell you that your baby is a health nut. I keep craving muesli and I don't even like it"

"No you didn't, but Dr. Yang told me you painted and furnished the nursery." Derek said and looked at his plate. He would have loved to do it with her, but their fight had gotten in its way.

"We did. Well, Cristina painted most of it, it got too cold for me with the open windows. I unwrapped the furniture. It's in mom's old office. I like the room a lot better now. It's a lot less morbid. We found another box of her journals when we cleaned up. The baby is going to like it." Meredith looked at him "We painted the room red and the furniture is white. We even assembled the crib by ourselves"

Derek laughed at the thought of Meredith assembling furniture. "How did that go? I hope it's safe to put a baby in there. You could have called if you needed help. I'm sure the furniture was heavy." Derek said regretful.

"We were fine Derek. We had it delivered to the room. We only needed to assemble it. It's a lot like surgery. Step by step." Meredith told him "It was better that way. There wouldn't have been enough space for all of us. I guess you are going to like the room."

"Can I see it?" Derek wondered.

"I guess, you could have taken a look last night. You could come over and see it tonight." Meredith suggested. The further her pregnancy progressed, the fewer night shifts she had to cover. "and we could have dinner and talk a little more. I can tell you what I meant to tell you yesterday. I miss it. The talking."

"You said you didn't sleep well the past three weeks." Derek said and wondered "Can I do something for you? Is it because of the fight?"

"I didn't, I really didn't. I craved sex. But I'm okay. Dr. Wyatt said I can cope with my problems on my own now. So I guess I'm all whole and healed now and whole and healed people can sleep on their own." Meredith said and got up from her seat. Cristina had told her that she needed to wait for her moment. The moment when he said something that would convince her that everything was going to be okay.

"I'm glad you are okay." Derek told her as she started to walk away. "I'm there if you want to talk."

* * *

Meredith followed her rotation schedule and noticed that she had a surgery with Dr. Sloan despite the fact that she had been assigned to general surgery for the past two weeks. "How's the trial going?" Dr. Sloan asked Meredith who had scrubbed into his facial reconstruction surgery.

She knew that Mark had an agenda, but it was not uncommon to talk about research projects in the OR, so she decided to play along. "We kill people. It's still not working and Derek says that everything is my fault. The patient doesn't wake up and we don't know why. The family wants to unplug the machines this week. Happy New Year to that one!"

Mark looked at her and said "And it's getting to you because of all the pregnancy hormones. Addison is very emotional at the moment, too. I don't even get to sleep in my bed some of the nights. Even without a clinical trial."

Meredith looked at him. It was weird to see how much Mark had changed since he and Addison had decided to give their relationship a try. He wasn't a manwhore anymore and it seemed like they had some sort of connection. She nodded "It is. I wanted this trial to see how awesome we are together, but it's getting to me and if it's doing one thing it's proving how miserable Derek and I fail at being awesome together."

Mark was calm and sighed "It's getting to Derek too and Grey, a clinical trial is not best indicator for how awesome two people can be together. It's about medicine."

"He screwed up. I screwed up." Meredith got angry at him. He was not supposed to make her feel sorry for Derek because Derek had hurt her. "I guess he told you what he told me. It's not easy to forgive him for that. My mother told me I wasn't good enough and I learned to live with this, but I can't take the same from my husband. I don't think I can ever forget it. It's a conversation he and I should have, not you and me."

"He knows he screwed up and he's sorry. He wanted to talk to you last night and you wanted to talk to him. Just remember how much he loves you." Mark insisted.

"Don't you want to make the incision there?"

Mark laughed "If you insist, boss! Have I told you that I like how bossy women are when they are pregnant."

* * *

After she had gotten out of surgery, Cristina ran up to her and smiled "I have great news. Hahn left, she's gone. Her name is off the OR board and all her procedures are cancelled and McDreamy was looking for you he wants to talk about patient #9."

"Well, I was in the OR with his best buddy, shouldn't have been too hard to find me." Meredith started to ramble "But I can't see him right now because my body is craving for sex and all I thought about when I talked to him was sex. Dirty sex. Dirty sex in the supply closet. I'm pathetic. Right now I really don't care what we fought about, I just need sex."

"Meredith, I don't want to hear about you and McDreamy having sex, I can see that you and McDreamy had sex." Cristina said disgusted. "Anyway, word is Hahn was involved with one of the intern and her girlfriend who is one of the residents found out. Sexually involved. Do you know who?"

"Seriously, how would I know?" Meredith wondered "I'm not the person nurses gossip to, I'm the one nurses gossip about."

"Sadie and Callie." Cristina said winking.

"Seriously? Callie? I never got the bi vibe from her." Meredith laughed.

"You are not surprised about Sadie?" Cristina wondered.

"She was my roommate in college. I knew she was bisexual. Wonder if Sloan knew."

"Anyway, #9 still didn't wake up and #10 is coming in soon. McDreamy says he thinks the patient was brain dead or in a vegetative state or whatever. Anyway, his heart stopped beating. He just wanted me to tell you because he was too chicken to do it." Cristina told her.

Meredith breathed in. "Cristina, I just don't want to hear about anything about the damn trial from you. He could have told me himself. It reminds me of Derek, and that we can't be together until we worked on our communication. I want to have sex and I want to yell at him all at the same time! I talk to him at lunch and all I can think about is the damn sex. I hear his voice in my head over and over again and it's his sexy voice. I'm just frustrated right now and afraid that he's going to blame me again. I mean right now he's sweet and he's trying, I know he is because he has lunch with me every day and he makes compliments and he bought me the most amazing Christmas gift ever, but I'm too afraid to let him in again. I think I should go and look for him." Meredith felt dizzy all of a sudden and collapsed on the floor before Cristina realized what had happened her head hit the floor.

"Oh my god, Mer, stay with me, stay awake, just keep looking at me. You hit your head, put I already paged Bailey and OB. Your vitals are stable. Might have been nothing, but we have to get you checked out." Cristina told Meredith. Her vitals were stable and she was fully conscious.  
"Get her on a gurney Yang, have I taught you nothing?" Bailey said after she arrived at the scene "and bring her to CT stat. I don't want my interns to die in this hospital. Page Shepherd. He's her husband. He should be informed. And page somebody else from neuro to take a look at the scans."

"What happened, Dr. Yang?" Dr. Nelson wondered when he  
"We were talking and from one minute to the next she just collapsed and hit her head.  
"But her scans look fine" Nelson said "Keep her here overnight for observation, but she should be able to work tomorrow if nothing comes up until 8am."  
"She seems to be dehydrated though, Yang, she needs an IV" Bailey told Cristina  
"What about the baby?" Cristina wondered.  
"The baby is fine, Dr. Shepherd" Dr. Kelly told him. "But I agree she should stay for observation tonight."  
"Where is Shepherd?" Bailey wondered  
"I paged him, he doesn't answer." Cristina said. "But he is off for 2 hours now, so maybe he is at his trailer and then it's going to take a while until he gets here."


	58. Chapter 58

_Thanks for the reviews! I can assure you that they are going to be fine eventually, but Meredith needs her moment to realize that Derek won't ever hurt her the way her mother did (and it's going to come eventually)._

* * *

**Chapter 58 A House Is Not A Home**

"Why are we here?" Mark wondered when Derek drove up to his land on Bainbridge island.

"Patient #9 died while you were in the OR with Meredith, I wanted to bring Meredith up here today, but I couldn't find her." Derek told him as they passed the icy roads through the woods. "I brought you because I needed to show it to someone."

"I hope you don't want sexual favors for bringing me up here." Mark laughed "But I doubt Grey would give that to you at the minute."

"God no" Derek said disgusted as he parked the car. "Just follow me and you'll know why you are here"

They walked up to the house. "The contractor is almost finished with the exterior." Derek told his best friend. The sun was already disappearing behind the mountains and thanks to the snow that covered every tree around them it was bright enough to see most of the details.

"Wow, your contractor did quite the job here." Mark said impressed. "When can you move in? 5 to 6 weeks?"

"No, it'll be a while until the plumbing, the floors, the wiring is finished, but glad you like it. I wanted to know if there's a chance for a happy ending" Derek sighed.

"Meredith?" Mark asked with a look of concern on his face.

"Yeah, Meredith." Derek nodded.

"So you two are going to continue to go on lunch dates and don't kiss, don't touch and don't have sex?" Mark looked at him.

"Yeah, that'd be the summary of that, but we talk, which is good. I mean, it's more than we did for 2 weeks before Christmas. There's hope, there has to be." Derek tried to get his hopes up.

"A lot more than when you brought me up here first. It was your second day in Seattle and I thought you had gotten lost when you drove me up here." Mark reminded him "We are in the middle of the freaking forest. You brought me up here and told me that you had bought this piece of land for you and your family. You hadn't told me who she was yet and you had no idea that I'd know where to find her if you had told me."

_"What are we doing here?" Mark asked his friend after he had parked his car in the middle of the forest.  
It was spring and they heard the birds sing while they walked further into the forest "I'm going to buy this land. I want to settle down. I want to have a family and I want to do it right here."  
"We are standing in the middle of the fricking forest. Are you nuts?" Mark asked in disbelief. He had grown up in New York. New York was who he was.  
"No, I like this place, Mark. It's me." Derek insisted.  
"I thought the brownstone, your Porsche and the Manhattan lifestyle was you. Us in fact." Mark reminded his friend. Derek had been different since he came back from Vegas. He had gotten married, that was all he knew.  
"Yet you moved to Seattle, Mark." Derek laughed.  
But Mark hadn't changed since he had left New York. At least that's what he wanted to believe. "I live in a loft, I drive the same model as I drove in New York, I kept my house in the Hamptons, I sleep with as many women as before. I haven't bought half a dozen acres of land in the middle of the forest or talked about settling down there with my Vegas bride. For all you know she's a stripper."  
"She's not. She's sophisticated and educated." Derek defended the woman he had seen for barely 12 hours  
"You said she was drunk and rambling a lot."Mark laughed. "That doesn't seem very sophisticated or educated"  
"She was rambling, but she seemed to be educated." Derek looked sternly.  
"How young is she?" Mark laughed.  
"Younger than I am." Derek said nonchalant.  
"So, where are you going to live until you finished building that house?" Mark wondered.  
Derek surprised him again "I bought a trailer and I'm not going to start building that house until I found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with."  
"A trailer?" Mark asked in disbelief. Was his friend experiencing a full blown mid life crisis?  
"Yes Mark, a trailer." Derek confirmed  
"And you are going to live in said trailer? You were never the trailer guy." Mark wondered.  
"Maybe I am now." Derek smiled._

* * *

"The land looks a lot nicer now." Derek said as they went around the house.

"Well, it's January, the snow and everything, Derek and there's something that almost resembles a house." Mark laughed.

"Do you think Meredith will like it?" Derek asked Mark.

Mark laughed and asked "Are the Yankees the best baseball team in the world?"

"My answer or Meredith's?" Derek wondered.

Mark looked surprised. "I never would have thought Meredith liked baseball."

Derek laughed. Meredith in fact did not like baseball. "She doesn't, she just dislikes the Yankees. She grew up in Boston."

"You haven't told her that we used to have first row tickets, have you?" Mark teased him.

"No, it never came up. Even without the Yankees we have enough to work through. It's been two weeks since our fight, we talk at lunch and it feels like it's getting a little bit better, but it's not the same. It seems like I destroyed her faith in me, in us." Derek returned to their previous topic on a more serious note.

_"I love her, Mark" Derek said when he and Mark went back to his car.  
"Addison?"  
Derek looked at Mark "Oh, god no, that passed a long time ago, I care about Addison, but I don't love her."  
"The girl you married in Vegas?"Mark asked skeptical.  
"Yes, she's the one." Derek smiled.  
"The girl that you knew for less than 24 hours and who ran away the next morning?" Mark laughed.  
"Yes, Mark." Derek confirmed "Don't talk to me like I'm a crazy person"  
Mark could not believe what he had heard "You sound like one. Derek, you'll never see this girl again and once you start working at the hospital you won't have time to look for her. You should file for divorce and move on. You really should stop looking for her and just move on. No chick is worth that sort of trouble."  
"She's not someone you move on from easily. She has this glow in her eyes, a sparkle, and her hair smells amazing and when she talks, I don't know, but I felt like I could listen to her forever. And when I kissed her it felt like the first kiss." Derek explained.  
"Was it that bad?" Mark laughed.  
"No, it felt like the right kiss." Derek told Mark "Like none of the girls I kissed before mattered."  
"You are not going to tell me her name, are you?"Mark wondered.  
"No Mark, I don't want to tell you."Derek answered.  
"So you will hire someone to find her soon?" Mark pushed the issue.  
"I will when I'm ready" Derek said. "or I'm going to let fate take care of it"  
"Will you ever be ready?" Mark laughed.  
Derek nodded and said "I'll tell you" _

* * *

"Meredith Grey is the one for you, Derek and right now she wants to do you."

"Right now we have a no touching, no kissing and no sex rule. She kissed me and proposed that rule the same night. She even kissed me after she proposed that rule." Derek contradicted his friend's statement.

"She proposed that rule because she wants to do you, Addison is… " Mark tried to explain, but was interrupted by Derek. "Mark, don't talk about Addison, I really don't want to know any details about your filthy sex life. I heard enough about it since high school and I know about Addison's from first hand experience."

"Anyway, pregnant women are horny. I'm sure your wife isn't any different." Sloan smirked.

"I hope she's celibate. I think she is. I know she is. Her therapist said that she was ready to deal with her problems by herself now, so I don't think that inappropriate man thing is an issue." Derek laughed.

"I wish my 400 dollar an hour shrink would ever say that." Mark answered with a smile on his face.

"You have an inappropriate man problem?" Derek laughed.

"Shut up" Mark laughed. "You are unbelievable."

_They continued their walk across Derek's land."Any advice on how I can charm one of the interns to go out with me, Shep?"  
"You shouldn't go anywhere near interns" Derek warned him "Sexual harassment lawsuits waiting to happen!"  
"She's different though: feisty, knows what she wants, into tequila and sleeps with a lot of inappropriate men if the gossip mill is working precise." Mark described Meredith Grey.  
"I wouldn't know a single person who is more inappropriate than you. Why do you have such a hard time pursuing her?"Derek laughed.  
"She doesn't sleep with people she works with!" Mark complained.  
"That's wise and easy to fix. Quit your job!"Derek joked.  
"She doesn't date doctors either, except for that vet, but he's not a real doctor. But she's hot. She's really hot. And it's fun to tease her she gets really agitated and starts to ramble." Mark elaborated.  
"You like her." Derek smiled.  
Mark shook his head. "No, I like the idea of her. She's what kept me in Seattle. I like challenges. Decided I am going to stay until I do her."  
"Richard is going to appreciate that. He might want to keep her around after she finishes her residency" Derek laughed.  
"She was in Vegas too. I saw her on the plane and I noticed how she was a nervous wreck for weeks afterwards. But she's always nervous around me because that's just how nervous I make women" Mark smirked and opened the car door.  
"You really like yourself. Am I going to meet this mystery intern?" Derek wondered getting into the driver seat.  
"Probably, she's really into that neuro crap and hates plastics – and me." Mark said after thinking about it for a moment.  
"Why?" Derek wondered.  
"Because I keep requesting her. I like her. She got really good at picking up my dry cleaning and buying my coffee and she's really nice on the eyes. I even let her scrub in once or twice. But she still resists my charm." Mark told him. Derek knew that normal women fell for Mark after a while, but he was impressed about how long this intern stood her ground.  
"I think I love that girl." Derek laughed.  
"You'd like any girl that blows me off like that." Mark mocked him.  
"and I love any girl who blows you off for months."Derek nodded. _

* * *

"When you told me about her for the first time I wouldn't have thought you were talking about Meredith. Even though the rambling and the feistiness kind of gave it away" Derek laughed. They sat on the porch and looked at the Seattle skyline.

"You can fix it, Derek. You love her and she loves you." Mark fortified his friend.

"I don't know Mark. When she thought I had cheated on her with Nancy it was an easy fix, it's different this time. She's afraid to rely on me." Derek replied doubtful.

"You are saying that she won't forgive you because you screwed up this time? That she'll run again?" Mark wondered.

"She wouldn't run. She's not a runner anymore, but I guess she needs a push. She was almost there at Christmas. She slept on my couch and talked in her sleep. Told me she loved me when she was sleeping. It was cute."

"Maybe it's time you bring her up here." Mark suggested. This house was the epitome of his love to her. The love he had felt even before he really knew her.

"I'll bring her up here once the house is finished. I want it to be a surprise."

"Grey doesn't like surprises." Mark laughed. "You better move fast, Shep."

"She'll like this one." Derek said and he was sure of it.

"Shep, you should check your phone. We have to get back to the hospital. Yang said Meredith collapsed and they admitted her for overnight observation after a fall."

* * *

_You can change the place you live, your clothes, your interests, your friends, your religion and even your partner. However, if you forgot to change your mind, attitude, beliefs about the world, how you treat people and how you plan to be different this time around, why did you even bother?_


	59. Chapter 59

**Chapter 59 Close To My Heart**

Meredith was lying on her hospital bed and watching TV when someone opened the door. She turned her head towards the door and saw her relieved husband at the threshold. "Yang said I could come in. You gave me quite the scare here, Mer." Derek said when he walked into Meredith's room. "Quite a start to the new year, is it?"

Meredith nodded. She was sitting up in her hospital bed and had an IV drip in her arm. "I'm sorry. But that's what it was, just a scare, I didn't drink enough and I was looking for a way to get out of our dinner tonight." Meredith giggled.

Derek looked at her surprised and stuttered "You are kidding."

"Of course I am. I'm not that desperate." Meredith looked at Derek to assure him. "I don't know what happened. Cristina and I were talking and from one moment to the next I felt dizzy and fainted. I should have had a shake after surgery. I don't think I ate anything today except for the salad at lunch. Never got out of the OR afterwards. So where have you been? Took you quite some time to get here. It's been two hours since they paged you."

"Nowhere" Derek lied because he didn't want to spoil the surprise. "I was where I needed to be at that moment, but now I'm where I want to be. I left the cell in my car and only read Cristina's message when I came back. Cristina said you were ranting about how much you want to have sex when you collapsed."

"I did" Meredith blushed and made a mental note to kill Cristina for telling him once she got the chance to do so.

"I hope you fantasized about having sex with me." Derek smirked. "and not with that hot nurse down in peds."

"There's a hot nurse down in peds, Dr. Shepherd? Tell me about him." Meredith giggled and looked at him. He smiled and looked incredible dreamy. "Do you want to forget about the stupid rules for a moment and treat my condition? I mean I'm in a hospital and you are a doctor, so you should make me feel better. I need all the care I can get and we can talk about the rest later."

"Is there going to be touching and kissing?" Derek wondered and moved closer to Meredith's bed. He sat down next to her.

"I guess there is." She said and kissed him. It was an innocent kiss, but it was the first one in the new year.

"Oh, in that case I'd very much like to continue to treat you, Dr. Grey." Derek said and moved up to her bed.

"Get off my resident, Dr. Shepherd. This is a hospital and not a hotel" Bailey shouted after she had opened the door and saw that Meredith and Derek where lying on top of each other.

"Damn it." Meredith mumbled

"Busted." Derek rolled his eyes. "Déjà vu "

"Dr. Grey, you will have to stay here for observation. I don't want to see you at work tomorrow night. I don't care what neuro and OB say, I don't want to see you, rest yourself, you are pregnant and I don't ever want to walk in on you two having sex ever again. Understood?"

"Yes Dr. Bailey." Both replied in unison, then looked at each other and started to giggle. Dr. Bailey left the room shaking her head.

"Do you want me to stay tonight?" Derek wondered.

"You have other patients to take care of, but you could take me home tomorrow and we can pick up where we left off, continue my treatment. Good night, Derek."

* * *

"That was good." Meredith breathed after falling back onto the pillow in her bed room the next morning. Derek had just brought her home after a night of observation at the hospital and a night shift for him and she was the happiest she had been in a long time.

"It was." Derek breathed out. His naked body was lying underneath the sheet close to Meredith's.

"We should have done this sooner." Meredith giggled. "I forgot how great the sex was. Too many hormones, dead patients and drama lately."

"Want to talk?"

"No, I'm not there yet. Right now I'm in my happy sexy bubble." Meredith said with a smile on her face "Want to see the nursery?"

"Not yet, I want you to show me the shower first." Derek smirked "I was working last night while you slept in your nice hospital bed."

"You know where the shower is, Derek, you know how it looks like." Meredith reminded him.

"Yeah, but I want to look at it with you in it." He said and kissed her.

"I'm a whale Derek." Meredith said.

"You are pregnant with my baby, you are beautiful. So care to join me?" Derek teased her.

They walked into the nursery after getting changed. Meredith hair was smelling like lavender and Derek enjoyed hovering over her shoulder and taking in the moment. Seeing his wife in their baby's nursery made him forget about the fighting and the drama. "The nursery looks nice. You did a wonderful job there, Mer. The color is rather unusual, but it's very you." Derek admitted after he had a look around. "You really did do a wonderful job."

"Glad you like it." Meredith said and sat down on the rocking chair. "I'm very glad you like it."

"I love it Mer and I like that you put the frame with our wedding picture on the wall." Derek said pointing at a frame.

"It was a nice picture. It was a nice Christmas gift and a good way to start our family picture wall. I mean so far we only have our wedding photo, but in a few weeks we are going to have another picture to put up there and I guess we have to get some nice photos of Lexie, Alex, Izzie and Christina and of your family obviously. Our baby should know that he has a family." Meredith smiled "I liked the medallion. Is there a story to it? It looks old."

Derek sat down next to her and started to explain why he had given her the medallion. "My mom bought one for all of us after my dad got shot. She said that every time we would miss him, we'd just have to put this medallion around our neck and he'd be close to our heart, right where he should be."

"I thought it was you in the picture." Meredith smiled and opened the medallion. "He looked a lot like you."

Derek smiled. "He did, but I swapped it. My mom told us we'd know what to do if we knew he was there, that we'd never be alone, that he would always be there. I meant to tell you that I'm always going to be there for you even if I'm not physically present."

Meredith nodded and closed the medallion again. He would always be there.


	60. Chapter 60

**Chapter 60 Kept You In The Dark**

"I told Shepherd to look out for her and what does he do?" Cristina ranted walking into the resident locker room after Meredith was discharged. "He has sex with her."

"How do you know? As far as we know he only brought her home." Izzie said while she changed into her scrubs.

"I know her, they are having sex right now. Maybe not in the car, but I can guarantee you that it's the first thing they do when they arrive at the house. It's the same shit all over again." Cristina said annoyed "They are having sex, she's in a happy bubble and ignores her problems, they resurface after a while because he's a douche for a second and she's full of hormones and we are back at square one and the two of them are fighting. Why can't he stay away from her?"

"He's her husband." Izzie stated.

"And I'm her person."

"Maybe he is her person now. I mean he's the father of her unborn child." Izzie stated. "When you are having a child, things change. It's a good thing if they made up."

"They did not make up, they are having sex." Cristina corrected Izzie "I know Mer and I tell you that they are going to be fighting again within a week."

"Why is she at home anyway?" Izzie wondered.

"Bailey told her to stay at home today and to rest because of the baby."

"Guess the Nazi has gone soft. Naming her child after George and the whole being protective of the pregnant resident thing. So what's going on with you and the new trauma surgeon?"

"Nothing" Cristina smiled and left the room.

* * *

"Dr. Sloan, have you seen Derek?" Richard Webber asked after entering the attendings lounge.

"No, I haven't seen him, but I guess he took Meredith home." The plastic surgeon looked up from his work "Why are you asking?"

"I was looking for a neuro consult on one of my patients, but I guess I have to page someone else if Derek is taking care of his wife." Richard smiled "How is Meredith?"

"She was dehydrated, but she and the baby are fine." Mark summarized the little health scare his friend had been concerned about.

"That's good. How is Addison?"

"She's getting big and bored." Mark laughed "She kind of regrets taking off so many weeks before the calculated date. But I haven't seen her happier in forever."

"Are you excited?" Richard asked with a smile on his face. "I would have loved to experience it myself."

"I am scared, petrified." Mark admitted "How come you never had kids?"

"I don't know. First there was never the right time and then when I was settled into my career Ellis wasn't here and Adele… It was never the right time or person." Richard told him respectful.

"Accidents happen. Who knows maybe we have kids running around somewhere." Mark laughed.

"I doubt it. Anyway, tell Derek to find me when you see him. I have to talk to him about something."

* * *

While Derek was away to take care of the grocery shopping Meredith sat on her bed and looked at one of her mother's old journals. "What are you doing?" Lexie wondered when she passed Meredith's door.

"Looking through my mom's old journals."

"Anything interesting?" Lexie wondered.

"Well, it's odd, it might be nothing, but I noticed something." Meredith said hastily flipping through the pages.

"What is it?" Lexie looked confused.

"I'm reading the journal my mother used shortly before we moved to Boston because I tried to get answers, but the stuff is mostly medical, but there's one thing I noticed…see here," Meredith said and pointed to several wine stains on several pages in the first third of the journal "there are stains from a wine glass on every page"

"Yeah" Lexie nodded and wondered "What's so special about that?"

Meredith opened the journal again and showed Lexie a page with no writing on it. There were red circles that looked like dried blood. "Well, here's the day she tried to kill herself, the day she slit her wrists in the kitchen. The stains disappear afterwards – like she stopped drinking for some reason. "

"You moved to Boston. Maybe she was busy afterwards and didn't get to drink so much." Lexie tried to come up with an innocent answer. Sudden changes in normal patterns were consistent with sudden changes in life.

"No, the wine stains are back in the next journal. It's odd." Meredith stated and let Lexie have a look at another journal "and she wrote down what she ate. Do you think she was on a diet?"

"Molly wrote down everything she ate when she was pregnant." Lexie realized.

"If Ellis had been pregnant, I would remember. I mean you get big when you get pregnant. Look at me! And where is the child?" Meredith told Lexie in denial.

"Do you think we could have another sister?" Lexie wondered.

"I'd remember if she had been pregnant when we came to Boston." Meredith insisted. Who wouldn't remember their mother's pregnancy?

"Yeah, but the wine stains and the food diary, it makes sense." Lexie insisted and pointed at the books again.

"Ellis wasn't pregnant. I would remember if she was pregnant. I mean we hid out in this tiny apartment and were all by ourselves for months and when I started school we moved houses."

"Do you think Thatcher knew?" Lexie wondered "Technically if the kid was born before the divorce was finalized it would have been his by law."

"Lexie, let it rest. I'm…" Meredith tried to shut Lexie up. She regretted telling Lexie about her concern, but was interrupted by her sister's rant.

"… oh my god, it wasn't dad's, it was the Chief's. It all makes sense. She was pregnant and she didn't tell him. They had an affair and she told dad about it and … "

"she wasn't pregnant." Meredith insisted again.

"Are you sure? Because it all makes sense. The Chief and your mom might have had a baby or dad and your mom might have had a baby."

"Lexie, she wasn't." Meredith repeated once again and put the journals away and picked up the latest trial notes instead "Anyway, we have a patient this week. I need to go over this. Bailey might have banned me from going to work, but I can still read."

* * *

Two days later Meredith and Derek finally experienced a major breakthrough on their trial. Patient #11 had survived the surgery and had woken up a few hours later. The hard work they had put into the trial finally paid off and it seemed like the hours they had spent developing the right viral cocktail finally came to fruition. "We did it. She woke up." Meredith hugged Derek after they left the patient's room. "We did it!"

"Uh, obviously, her intracranial pressure is still a little high and it's going to need to be monitored overnight, so." Derek tried to keep Meredith's hope down.

Meredith looked at him and said "If you just tell me the parameters. I'll stay."

"I mean, we could I-I. we can stay together." He suggested. "and talk"

Mark walked up and asked "How'd it go?"

Derek smiled "Great. It went really. really well."

"I was just. I was heading home. And I didn't know if you. …." Mark wanted to ask him out for a drink but looking at Meredith he knew that he shouldn't ask.

"Um, I need to stay here tonight." Derek declined his unspoken offer. He wanted to look after the patient in recovery and after Meredith to make sure they were both okay.

"It's alright, just tell me the parameters, I can page you, if there's an emergency." Meredith offered to observe the patient to give him the opportunity to go out with his friend and her to think about the possibility of her mother's alleged pregnancy. She didn't need him hovering over her at work. "I'm going to do the lumbar puncture now and get the lab to rush the results."

It was 11.30 pm when the patient's heart monitor suddenly went berserk. Meredith and her interns ran to the patient's room and ordered one of the nurses to get the crash cart. "She's coding." She said "Page Shepherd now and get me a crash cart asap."

"Push epi." She told one of the interns and grabbed the paddles "Charge to 200. Clear!"  
No change, no asystolic heartbeat.

"Push another epi." She ordered her intern.

"Charge to 250. Clear." She tried to shock the patient again."Crap! Don't die!"

"Charge 300, clear."


	61. Chapter 61

_Patsy: Thank you for your review. So far I haven't planned to include Maggie. The storyline will appear in one way or the other sometime along the road (you'll see as we go along). _

_Beware! Long update ahead! _

* * *

**Chapter 61 Didn't We Almost Have It All**

After 20 minutes of fruitless attempts to revive the patient, Meredith gave up. "We should stop. She died. Time of death 10.45 pm"

"What have you done?" Derek shouted as he came in.

"Seriously? Where have you been? I told the nurse to page you 20 minutes ago. I just got the results from the lumbar puncture back when she coded." Meredith told him "I didn't do anything. The spinal tap showed encephalitis. The virus reverted and in all likelihood caused the heart to stop. There's no way we could've predicted this. Do you really think this is the time to give up?" Derek remained silent. He knew he would say the wrong thing if he spoke up now, so he rather didn't say a word.

"Are you not going to talk to me Derek? I thought we talked …"Meredith looked at him.

"I didn't mean…" Derek stuttered. His eyes filled with tears. He had been so hopeful about this patient when he had went to the bar with Mark.

"What did you not mean? Talk to me Derek" Meredith insisted.

"There's nothing you could have done. I didn't mean to blame you for anything. But maybe I should stop now, we should just quit, throw away everything we worked for because the IRB will shut down the trial soon anyway, Richard said so, maybe it's the best option. Maybe it's best to stop here."

* * *

"I'm afraid I have to inform you that your wife died. I'm very sorry for your loss." Derek told the husband when he met him in the hall. He was devastated because he had been so optimistic when he and Mark had talked about the positive outcome in the bar.

The husband nodded and his reaction was different than Derek had expected "Thank you Dr. Shepherd! You did everything you could."

"Your wife died, why do you thank me?" Derek wondered. Usually the relatives started to cry or to yell.

"For trying. It gave her a chance when there was no chance to begin with. We knew this trial was our last shot. Our last chance, it was a risk, but it was worth taking. Trying is all we can ever do and she almost made it." The husband explained "I'm going to tell our kids that she was a fighter."

"Are you okay?" Derek wondered.

"It's just difficult to imagine how my life is going to be without her. I mean when she was diagnosed I knew she was going to die, but the idea of her dying and actually dying are two things. I have to be strong. When you have a kid you have to be strong." He said and turned around. "Thank you for your efforts."

* * *

_I like the night. Without the dark, we'd never see the stars. They are the lights that guard us through our darkest nights. Because where's darkness, there's light. We could never appreciate the sun shine without the rain, happiness without the sadness or progress without stagnation._

* * *

Meredith had locked herself inside a stall when Lexie came in and locked herself in the one next to Meredith.

Meredith recognized the shoes and begged her to leave. "Lexie, please don't talk about the trial and don't talk about my mom's pregnancy. Just let me sit here and cry. Derek is an idiot. If you talk about it, I have to think about Derek and I really don't want to think about Derek right now. Because every time something goes wrong, it's my fault. I ruin things." Meredith sobbed. "It's always my fault"

"He was looking for you" Lexie told her. "He is concerned about you and he isn't blaming you. There's nothing you could have done."

_And imagine my disappointment after 5 years to wake up and discover that you are no more than ordinary. _

"It doesn't matter. I'm the reason his career is… oh… never mind, it's my fault. I disappoint everyone around me. Yesterday everything was perfect and now the trial is over and I know he'll resent me for what this trial did to his reputation." Meredith said and kicked against one of the racks in the closet. "I rely on him, but he can't rely on me. I'm fine one moment and then I'm a crying mess the next."

* * *

"What did you do to her now? Lexie paged me. She's crying and locked herself in the bath room. Why is she crying? Have you ever thought about what Meredith needs? She needs this, she needs you, she needs this trial to be successful, You better not quit now!" Cristina lectured Derek. "All that her mother ever told her was that she was a failure. Don't you prove her right."

Derek swallowed "Dr. Yang, I don't know why she is crying. I need Meredith, but I'm not sure if she needs me. She expects greatness, I don't know if I can give that to her. I don't know how to make this trial a success."

"Well, you better try!" Cristina suggested.

"I wanted to show her the house the other day, the day she fainted." Derek told Cristina.

"Which house?" Cristina wondered.

"The one I'm building for her on my land. I was afraid to show her because I'm afraid to disappoint her." Derek admitted.

"So instead of showing her the McMansion you tell her that she's the reason you fail? You two need to talk" Cristina asked in disbelief "You are an idiot!"

"I didn't tell her she's the reason I fail. I didn't talk about failure. I merely said that it might be the best option to shut down the trial. I just told her it'd be best to stop. She's hormonal. I want to be there for her, but I guess right now she won't let me." He insisted. "Can you look for her and page me when she's emotionally ready to talk to me."

"You should apologize even if you didn't do anything. She's full of hormones." Cristina ordered. "So I take it that you changed your mind about terminating the trial."

Derek nodded and told Cristina to talk to Meredith "Tell Meredith that Mrs. Sanderson is coming to the hospital for pre op testing. I want her to do it. One last patient. One last patient and she needs to be there."

* * *

Cristina walked into the bath room after her confrontation with Derek "Lexie, I'm going to take over. Mer, I talked to Derek, I really think you should talk to him."

Meredith still cried, but unlocked the door.

Cristina sat down next to her and looked her in the eyes "Ms. Sanderson is coming in tomorrow. He wants you to do the tests. He wants to continue the trial. He believes that you two can be successful together. Meredith, you found her, you delivered her baby, you started the trial because of her, you should do it. Not for him, for you and for the patient. Everything is going to be fine, Mer. Just stop being a hormonal mess. You are pregnant, but this time McDreamy didn't say anything. Things are going to be fine. You go out there like a big girl and you act like a big girl."

* * *

**Chapter 62 Built It Better**

The next morning was hard. Meredith had a hard time getting out of bed, but she remembered Cristina's words. She brushed her teeth, took a shower and went downstairs. She grabbed her keys and drove to the hospital, entered the elevator, left it on the 3rd floor, went to her locker, got changed into her pair of maternity scrubs and grabbed patient #12's chart at the nurses' station.

"Hello Ms. Sanderson, how are you doing? I see Samuel has grown quite a bit since we last saw him." Meredith greeted her patient enthusiastically. She was holding her baby boy and looked like a happy woman

"Oh yeah, he's a little sunshine, he's only 6 month old, but I can't imagine my life without him. It's just, sorry, the thought of…"she told her.

"I know" Meredith nodded.

"You have grown quite a bit since our last encounter. The father must be delighted." Ms. Sanderson remarked.

Meredith took a quick look at Derek. She wanted to prove to herself that her own insecurity was no reason to hold herself back. She wanted to prove that she would never give up on herself. "He is"

"So how have the symptoms progressed?" Derek looked at the chart and interrupted Meredith. He didn't want to hear it because he knew she was fragile right now.

"They got worse." The husband elaborated "She has blurry vision and she faints every once in a while"

"We still didn't have any success in the trial. We are close to a break through, but so far we couldn't save a single patient. So if you decide to spend the last few months with your son instead of doing the surgery today, I'd understand." Meredith tried to persuade her much to his dismay, but her patient insisted. "No, I want this."

"Are you sure? We can have another 3 months, we can fly to Hawaii or Europe or wherever, we take Samuel on his first family vacation. We can have time." Her husband suggested.

Ms. Sanderson insisted "No, I want this surgery, I want the chance to have more than three months with him. I cannot imagine my life without you and I want to have more than 3 months."

Derek nodded and knew that neither one of them would be able to change her decision "Alright, Dr. Grey is going to bring you for one last pre-op CT and is going to prep you for surgery after that. "

* * *

The surgery was successful and the patient woke up and all her cognitive functions were fully intact. It would have been a reason to celebrate, but neither one of them felt too enthusiastic about celebrating with the other. Seven weeks of fighting had left scars that would not heal easily. They had talked in the cafeteria, but it had never been the same. Their bond had been broken and the fight about patient #11 had deteriorated their relationship even further. Their ways parted without a word after they had left the patient's room.

"I heard your patient survived. You must be thrilled." Mark hugged Derek after he had left the patient's room. Meredith walked away without looking back.

"I'm not. I mean, I have to talk to Meredith. She took patient #11 very hard and I didn't console her. I wasn't there and I think she holds that against me. We should have talked about our problems when we were in our happy sex bubble."

"Maybe we should find the angry pink haired teenager who predicted that you and Addison are not made for each other and ask her what she thinks about Meredith." Mark joked referring to a legendary story they shared every once in a while when either one of them doubted fate.

"Who knows, maybe she's a fortune teller now." Derek laughed. "Or maybe she doesn't know about her special talent or maybe she's still an angry pink haired girl. Anyway, I'll go and see what Mer is doing. I have to show her something or maybe I should show Yang something and she shows it to Meredith. "

* * *

"Meredith, I hope you are going to enjoy our annual pro bono fundraiser." Richard said when he met Meredith after surgery. "You should go home to get ready for it."

"Which fundraiser?" Meredith wondered. As she and Derek hardly communicated she had not heard anything about a fundraiser.

"The one the board hosts every year to raise our pro bono budget. The one I talked to your husband about. Your study is going to bring huge publicity, so I'd like you to attend and after all you are the wife of one of our department heads."Richard said

"I'll see you there." Meredith said and excused herself. She had to find the others to share the good news about the trial with someone.

* * *

"Lexie, we did it, patient #12 lived! Miss Sanderson gets to see her kid grow up. We did it. After #11 died he wanted to quit, but something made him try again. We did it."

"I'm sure you must be delighted." Lexie smiled.

"It's incredible." Meredith replicated that smile.

"You must be so proud! I mean it was your idea. You organized the trial, found all the patients, you …" Lexie said and jumped up and down in excitation.

Meredith nodded "It was such a high! She lived, she woke up and the tumor shrank. I haven't felt this way in forever."

* * *

Cristina came into the locker room after their shift ended. Derek had given her an envelope and had asked her to give it to Meredith. "Meredith, I have to show you something. It's about Derek!"

"No Cristina, I don't want to hear anything about Derek fricking Shepherd now! Don't ruin this moment for me! We can talk about the successful trial." She said and left the room.

"Mer, I really think you should read this. It's about the trial." Cristina insisted and followed her to her car. "I'm going to follow you until you take this envelope. Dr. Shepherd said I won't see the inside of an OR until you look at this."

"Fine, just give it to me." Meredith said annoyed and grabbed the envelope.

After Cristina had left, she looked at the envelope for a while. He wanted her to see what's inside. He threatened Cristina to keep he out of the OR if she didn't make sure that Meredith opened it. "Little guy, your mommy needs you now. Your daddy gave me this and I need some encouragement to open the envelope. Do you know what's inside?" she said looking at her belly. She took a deep breath and ripped the seal. There was a blue folder inside with a post it note on top. "Handed it in the minute #12 woke up. Couldn't have done it without you. You are amazing." She opened the folder and looked at the headline of the draft.

**The Shepherd-Grey Method**  
_[by Derek C. Shepherd M.D. F.A.C.S., Meredith Grey M.D.]_

* * *

Meredith threw away the envelope and headed back to Derek's office. Even though she was tired and her pregnancy made it harder for her to move, she took the stairs to get to Derek's office. She opened the door, walked in and looked at him. He looked at her and smiled for a second until Meredith started to yell. "You want to list me as a co-author. I haven't written a single line and I know you are arrogant and cocky and unable to admit that you had helped. Would you have done this if any other resident had participated in the study?"

Derek tried to calm her down. "The trial was your idea, you did the planning, you found the patients. You refined the method. It was your trial as much as it was mine. But this is not about the trial, is it?"

"You said I'm stopping you from achieving greatness, that I was just a stupid resident. You moved out." Meredith shouted

"You kicked me out" Derek corrected her.

"I didn't." Meredith screamed. "I needed space, I didn't tell you to go and never come back. It felt so good to have you back. Derek, I'm not looking for recognition in the medical field to brush my ego. I don't need Harper Avery Awards or publications to be happy, I want to save lives. I'm not like my mother. It's about what you said back when we had our big fight. It's really hard to get passed that."

"Meredith. We saved a life." Derek said and his eyes begged her to listen to him. His unbelievable eyes were looking at her. She swallowed because while she was mad, she still wanted to be with him and her pregnancy hormones had kicked in. "No, Derek. I don't want to discuss this with you right here and now! Listen, I'm going to that charity bullshit with you, the Chief wants me there, I'm going to put on a happy face and pretend that I'm happy to be there because we both know that I'd rather be at the hospital and cut people open because Dr. Wheeler wanted me to scrub in on Whipple. I don't want to be there and I hate those kinds of events."

"Alright." Derek nodded.

"Alright? Is that all you have to say for yourself?" Meredith snapped. "Why didn't you tell me that WE were invited to this fundraiser bullshit in the first place."

"Meredith, I love you. I know you don't want to hear it, so I'm not going to say it again. I will pick you up tonight and make sure you don't get too exhausted at the charity ball and if you want to, I can ease those cravings for you."

"Shut up!" Meredith said and left his office. "I'm too arrrrhhh to talk to you right now."

* * *

"I told Derek I'm horny." Meredith told Alex when she walked into the locker room.

"What? Why are you telling me?" Alex asked annoyed.

"I told him I'm horny, well my eyes told him, he knows when I have horny eyes and I walked away. I'm really really horny. I need sex!" Meredith continued to speak without listening to Alex, who got a wrong impression.

"Meredith, we … we can't." Alex insisted.

Meredith shot him a blank look and realized what Alex had assumed. "Shut up, Alex! I don't want to have sex with you, I want to have sex with him. But I can't have sex with him because I'm an idiot. I hate my hormones because I can't control how I react half the time."

"Mer, you have to talk to him." Alex insisted. "or do him I don't care"

"I talked to him! And Every time I talk to him I dump all my emotional mess on him" Meredith tried to get around actually talking to Derek about their issues.

"About being horny?" Alex wondered.

"No, I just told him before I left, we talked about our trial, but please get me Cristina, I don't think I'm comfortable discussing my sex cravings with you, Alex!"

"Neither am I." Alex laughed and left the room.

* * *

"I can't believe Shepherd wants to name his method after the two of you. That's so cool." Cristina said when she met Meredith after her valve replacement surgery. "Burke never mentioned me in any of his articles after he vanished from the surface of the earth."

"I can't either." Meredith stated and took a bite off her protein bar.

"Meredith, this is fantastic!" Sadie said and hugged Meredith from behind.

Meredith was annoyed because she thought that they gave Derek all the credit for sharing credit with her. "Can everyone back off and give me some space? I didn't ask for any of this and now I have to go to a charity event with him and act all happy and bubbly and grateful and you get to cut people open and save lives while I pretend to be some 1950s trophy wife and do small talk because he chose to honor my contribution"

Izzie walked over too "Have you talked to him after surgery?"

"Can you just go away? What are you even doing here? We didn't invite you. This is a Cristina and me moment." Meredith got mad. She didn't want Sadie or Izzie there, but neither of them left.

Cristina looked at her. "Why do you think that he's going to hurt you again?"

"I don't know. I'm just insecure. I can't let him in again."

"Alright, what would that shrink of you say?"

"Psyche? Really? What happened to the Cristina that would suggest to cut out the part of my brain that is responsible for my feelings?"

"Meredith, come on. What's the matter?"

"He's perfect, but he'll end up hurting me and I can't allow that to happen." Meredith insisted "I need all the strength I have for my baby. I can do it on my own, my mother did it on her own"

Sadie laughed "We both know how much you resented your mother all your life. Just let him back in. He's not a bad guy. Arrogant and cocky and condescending, but not a bad guy. Don't shut him out completely. I worked with him after your fight and I can tell you that he's been just as depressed as you were."

"Sadie, I can't, he'll hurt me." Meredith insisted.

"Okay, if you don't want to be with him, divorce him" Sadie said.

"I can't, I love him." Meredith admitted and looked at Cristina "I was scared to open the envelope he gave me because for a second I thought he had given up on us and wanted a divorce. I just can't be with him right now."

"You love him but you don't want to be with him, that's messed up." Cristina said.

"Well, I'm messed up once in a while." Meredith reminded her. "Dark and twisty is back"

"That's not a bad thing, Mer. It's supposed to hurt and it's supposed to feel brilliant when you're happy. But if you don't want to divorce him you have to talk to him." Izzie tried to make Meredith talk to Derek. "Mer, you are a strong woman, but this doesn't mean that you shouldn't rely on him. Being able to rely on someone makes you stronger than standing on your own will ever make you feel."

* * *

Lexie had invited Thatcher over for dinner and they had eaten and talked for three hours. It didn't feel too unnatural with Thatcher when Lexie was around and her hormones had hit her when Thatcher had brought her Christening dress as a gift for the baby. "I want you to have it. All my girls wore it at their Christenings." Even though they were having a boy and he was never going to wear it, it was still a nice thought.

"Thank you, Thatcher. I appreciate it. I don't know whether we are going to have a Christening. Mom…"

"Never believed in those kinds of things. I know" Thatcher said. "I just wanted you to have it, in case, Laura wore it too."

"Yes, she believed in medicine and growing up I never learned anything else but to believe in medicine and science." Meredith nodded. "I'm going to talk to Derek about it. He comes from this loud and noisy Catholic family. Maybe he wants to raise the kids that way."

"I understand and I have to tell you something. I met someone and I want you to meet her."

"You can't be serious. We buried mom 6 months ago and you…" Lexie yelled and got up from the table.

"Lexie, relax." Meredith tried to calm her sister down.

"No, no, Meredith. She was my mom and she's dead and …" Lexie cried "… nevermind, I'll go to work now. I need to cool off."

"You need to cool off" Meredith nodded and turned to her father "and you better go now, too. I'm sure we can arrange something the next few days. I have to get changed, Derek is picking me up in an hour. "


	62. Chapter 62

_Thank you for the feedback!_

* * *

**Chapter 63 Addicted to a memory**

_"But if you don't want to divorce him you have to talk to him_." Izzie's word echoed through her head over and over again. _"Being able to rely on someone makes you stronger than standing on your own will ever make you feel."_ She wanted to but she was too proud. Too proud to forget what he said, too proud to allow herself to be happy. She needed a moment.

She used the curling iron and tons of bobby pins and a little bit of hairspray to style her hair. Derek would be there in half an hour and she wasn't close to being finished. Getting into the dress and zipping up the dress would be another major task. Why would they rent out maternity ball room dresses with a zipper on the back? Why would Derek rent a dress like this? Why would he send it to her house with a note 'I knew you don't have anything suitable for the occasion, so I hope this one fits. Thank you.'? Why was he so sweet?

The door bell rang and as there was nobody in the house except her, she had to open the door. She was still in her underwear so she grabbed her dressing gown and opened the door for Derek "I'm sorry, I'm not ready yet, I know you told me you'd be here now, and you are, but being pregnant and getting ready for a fundraiser isn't as fun as it sounds. I can't get into that dress on my own and I don't like the curls tonight." She greeted him and walked back to her room. "I'm going to need help with that dress and you'll need to help me if you don't want to be late for that bollocks ball."

"You look beautiful" Derek complimented her after she had taken off her dressing gown. She was wearing black lingerie and he couldn't take his eyes off her body.

"Don't stare at me, get over here and help me to get into that dress." Meredith warned him.

He bid his lips and forced himself to remain quiet. He wanted to tell her how he would love to stay here with her tonight and how he wanted everything to be fine, but he knew that she would get mad and that she didn't want to listen to his apologies, so he just zipped up her dress. For the first time in weeks he was able to smell her lavender conditioner and he breathed it in for as long as we could.

"Let's go we don't want to be late, do we?" Meredith reminded him.

"No, we don't" he said and watched her leaving the room and walking down the stairs.

* * *

They arrived at the hotel 20 minutes later. They were 15 minutes late and most of the tables were already taken, but they found a table at the far end of the room.

"It's a pleasure to have you here at my table, Dr. Grey" the wife of a board member greeted Meredith who was happy to sit down. "I used to talk to your mother at these events. She was such an extraordinary woman."

Meredith smiled and answered politely "Thank you, I'm happy to be here."

"You look stunning and I see your husband is looking just as charming." The old woman smiled "It must be a pleasure to be working with your husband on a daily basis. I heard you are the reason he came to Seattle"

Derek smiled for a second and nodded "That's true. I couldn't live a day without her."

The woman didn't notice the uncomfortable look on both their faces "and I see you two are expecting a new addition to your family. I remember those days like it was yesterday. It was truly the happiest time my husband and I had."

"We are" Meredith said and looked at Derek.

"We are looking forward to it." He added.

"In fact Dr. Shepherd couldn't be any happier about the situation because he has found so much inspiration in it. He can be truly extraordinary and successful." Meredith added overly enthusiastic.

"You must feel so blessed to have such a charming husband" the woman said "and after the merger he's going to be working with an even bigger budget."

A merger? This was news to Meredith. Why hadn't anyone at the hospital talked about it? She put on a happy face even though she felt really worried "Yeah, that's just one of the things that make me so happy. Anyway, Ms. Miller, if you excuse me, I had a long day at work and I just want to go out for some fresh air if you don't mind."

* * *

Meredith left the room and sat down on a chair underneath an outdoor heater on the roof deck. The streets looked peaceful from up there, the cars seemed to move in an organized way. Like everyone knew where they wanted to go.

"Are you okay, Meredith? You seemed awfully quiet in there or hostile if you were talking to me." She heard someone saying after sitting there on her own for a few minutes "I brought your coat. I thought you might get cold out here without it."

Meredith was glad to see Derek because she was really getting cold. "Do you know anything about this merger?" she wondered after he sat down next to her.

"I know that there's going to be a merger, but I don't know the details."Derek admitted.  
"Crap." Meredith muttered.

"What do you mean?" Derek wondered.

"Do you know who is let go if hospitals merge?" Meredith asked "Nurses, interns and residents. Why didn't you tell me?"

Derek put his hand on her shoulder to console her "Meredith, you are not getting fired. They are not going to fire the head of neurosurgery's pregnant wife. Are you okay Mer?"

"What do you expect me to say? We don't tell each other things anymore, Derek. We talk, but we never tell each other anything. Those lunch breaks were bullshit. We need to learn how to rely on each other." Meredith started to tell him with tears in her eyes "You said I keep you down, I'm the reason you are ordinary that you can't be excellent. Don't you think that's what has been getting to me? You putting my name in as co author isn't going to change anything about what you said. Do you expect me to do small talk with you in there? 'Hello Dr. Grey. How are you doing?' 'Oh fine, Dr. Shepherd. I haven't slept in three weeks because your child keeps kicking at night and won't stop and I'm working 80 hours a week and for the past two days I have the worst back pain ever. But thanks for asking' Is this what you want it to be like?"

He hugged her and was surprised that she didn't fight the hug. "Meredith I love you and I was wrong to tell you those things, I was frustrated about the trial, I shouldn't have taken it out on you. I love you and our baby."

But instead of fighting the hug physically, she used words. "And you needed a successful trial to realize that? Well, it's not enough Derek, you quit showing up and I'm afraid that this happens again. I stopped trying. I waited for days and you said all those very hurtful things."

He looked at her and remembered what Cristina had told her. "You needed an unsuccessful trial to realize that you don't get a happy ending, Meredith. I was wrong, Meredith, I couldn't have done it without you. For the past weeks, ever since our fighting started my life has been miserable and even though you have your friends around I can tell that your life hasn't been great either. I'm ordinary, dull and boring without you and a pain in the ass. You are the one thing what makes my life extraordinary, you are the one who gets me to move forward because you have that incredible drive. You get people to move on, to move through, to counter their fears, to do what never has been done, to learn how to rely on others. You are the reason this trial was a success and I couldn't have done it without you. Meredith, I need you."

"We need to talk, do we?" Meredith said "About us, you and me and this baby. I love you. I love you and it's scary because I've never loved someone the way I loved you. I love you in a way that makes me question whether I live without you. Ever."

"Meredith, I love you and I'm going to be by your side till the day I day. I'm always going to be there for you and for our son. I'll always be watching out for you. Meeting you was fate."

"Do you believe in fate?"

"I think I do. The baby you have is the baby you were destined to have, we were meant to bring a child into this world. The bond- It was meant to be. The universe wanted us to have this baby. I'd like to think it's true" Derek told her. It was the first serious conversation they had had in ages. "Do you believe in fate?"

"No, everything else in the world seems so completely random, I don't think I want to believe that our path is predetermined. I believe in free will. I mean you walk through live and do the things you do, decide the way you do. What if, one little thing, I said, or did could have made it all fall apart, this magically destined path? We might have never found each other. Ellis was pregnant when we left Seattle. What if I had been raised with a sibling?"

"Pregnant? She had a baby?"

"Yes Derek, that's what being pregnant implies. Well, we don't know. Lexie and I looked through her journals and it looks like it. It's weird because I don't really remember and I don't know what possibly could have happened to that child."

* * *

"Have you ever wondered how things would have went if I never went to Vegas that weekend? Would we be married now? Would I be carrying your child?" Meredith wondered.

"We would have met eventually. I'm sure it was meant to be" Derek smirked. "I would have visited Mark in Seattle and I would have seen you."

"and nothing would have happened because I don't date doctors." Meredith insisted.

"You never asked me if I was a doctor when we met in Vegas" Derek reminded her.

"I was too drunk to care." Meredith said innocently with a little smile on her face. "and what were the chances of chatting up my future boss?"

"So what do you think would have happened?" Derek wondered.

"Well… I don't know, it could have all fallen apart when I asked Cristina if she was going to cover my shift…

_ "No Meredith, I can't cover your shift this weekend. You would drink and screw a guy and Burke and I want to go on a date this weekend."  
"Alright, I'm just going to drown my misery at Joes."  
"You are on call, Mer. No drinking"_

… I would have called Sadie and told her I couldn't have went to Vegas with her…

_"You can't let me down, death!"  
"I'm very sorry die! I have to work. I would love to come, but I have a job." _

…and Dr. Sloan would have asked me to cover all his post ops while he was having fun with you…"

_"Dr. Sloan, you paged me."  
"Yeah, Dr. Grey. I'm out of town this weekend. I need you to monitor all my patients. You find the instructions in the charts. You can read, right?"  
"Funny" _

"We wouldn't have met. You wouldn't have accepted the position here because you wouldn't have had to forget me."  
"I might have…" Derek said.

"… I have lived in New York all my life and everything I look at had some connection to my life with Addison…so maybe I would have went to Seattle…"

_"Mark, I can't keep living like this. I've been miserable for years. I need change"  
"Come to Seattle. You'll get used to the rain and there are some pretty fine residents here in case you want to get back in the field."  
"Mark, I don't need fresh meat, I need change."  
"Come to Seattle, Webber will be delighted and it'll be like the old times. The Manhattan dream team back together." _

"…and I would have been the guy in a bar…"

_"Dr. Sloan is a jackass. Can you please ask him why he keeps requesting me for his stupid plastics stuff? Just tell him I won't sleep with him."  
"You are a regular?"  
"Joe's the only guy who knows what I like."  
Joe: "Straight tequila.  
Meredith: "Yeah, keep them coming"  
"You're trying to ignore me. You shouldn't ignore me. "  
"Why?"  
"Because I'm someone you have to get to know to love."  
"So if I know you, I'll love you"_

"I wouldn't have dated you, because you are not that irresistible and I don't date doctors. Well didn't date doctors and no other staff from the hospital" Meredith giggled.

"I tend to disagree, you can't resist me. You are all about the high you get when we are in surgery together. You would have kissed me in the elevator after Katie's surgery. You would have tried to resist my charm, but you would have given in anyway" Derek tried to mock her.

"I wouldn't have" Meredith tried to insist.

"Or I would have told Mark to keep requesting you until you agreed to go on a date with me." Derek suggested.

"You would have used your power as my superior to blackmail me into going on a date? I'm pretty sure that's harassment."

"Either way, you would have fallen for me. Because I fell for you the minute I saw you" Derek admitted. _"_Some things are going to work out as if they were destined to happen. As if they were just meant to be. I need you Meredith. When I said that you make me a failure, I was wrong. I was wrong because you are what makes my life worthwhile and I cherish every moment with you. The last few weeks have been hell. I need you. I don't want to live without you"

"and I don't want to live without you but I relied on myself my whole live, I never relied on anyone but me. So forgive me if every once in a while I forget how to rely on you." Meredith added. They sat next to each other holding hands for a while and just enjoyed the moment.

* * *

"I think we should go back inside." Meredith said and got up "It's getting cold out here"

"We should. May I have this dance, Dr. Grey?" Derek wondered.

"I thought you didn't dance in public, Dr. Shepherd" Meredith reminded him.

"I do, for this very special woman. I love you Meredith and I want to make you feel special tonight. Like the most beautiful and wonderful person on this planet. Because that's what you are to me."

_We often need to lose sight of our priorities in order to see them and when we see it, I can tell you one thing: The view is amazing._


	63. Chapter 63

_Thank you for the reviews! I really appreciate them. _

_Patsy: While I can't rule out the possibility that some characters die in the story, I can assure you that Derek is most certainly not going to be one of them. I don't like the way they use death on Grey's to get an easy character exit, so I take the less dramatic approach unless it serves a purpose in the narrative. _

* * *

**Chapter 64 I Never Knew I Knew You**

"How was the ball?" Izzie asked when Meredith walked into the kitchen the next morning. Her hair looked messy and some of the bobby pins were still in it.

"Good." Meredith said with a huge smile on her face. She couldn't conceal her excitement even though she tried.

"Good? You didn't regret being there instead of cutting people open?" Izzie laughed. "I got to scrub on two trauma surgeries."

"Yeah, good." Meredith nodded and grabbed a cup from the shelf. "It was pretty amazing."

"So you and McDreamy are back together for the next 24 hours or what does this smile mean? " Izzie wondered. "Alex told me that he brought you home last night and I saw him when he tried to sneak out this morning. I saw him."

"Derek and I talked, we are good now. You told me to lean into the fear of getting a happy ending and I did" Meredith said and kept smiling. "I told him that he can move back in. I mean most of his stuff was still here and he spend some nights, but I never officially told him that he can move back in and after patient 11 I was kind of pissed, but we are fine now. We talked."

"That's what you are saying now, just keep me updated." Izzie rolled her eyes. "I'm happy for you."

"Izzie, what is this supposed to mean?" Meredith wondered.

Izzie paused for a moment, but started to explain what she meant immediately afterwards. "You are happy, you fight, you make up, you are all about having sex, fighting, and starting over again."

"It's called a relationship. Conflict is part of a relationship especially if you are as hormonal as I am and we resolved our problems yesterday evening."

"Whatever."

"How are you and Alex?"

"It's complicated."

"Why?"

"He well, he couldn't get it up when we tried to do it in an on call room."

"Wow."

"But he was well able to do it with your sister."

"What?"

"Lexie and Alex were at it and I walked in on them."

"Are you sure?"

"I walked in on them. I'm sure she didn't want to show him her birthmarks"

* * *

"So you and Grey were dancing. Both the vertical and the horizontal mambo I hope." Mark smirked when he saw Derek in the attendings lounge the next morning. He observed a bright smile on the neurosurgeon's face.

Derek looked up from his journal and smiled. "We were."

"You never dance in public. So I guess you made up and you had sex last night. I can see that on your face, I know that face." Mark sat down next to him and put down a cup of coffee from the coffee cart in front of Derek. "This one is on me. You could have saved me from that awful wife of Mr. Schneider though. Just because he's on the board doesn't mean his wife can take me hostage for the entire evening."

"What did she do?" Derek laughed. Not too long ago his friend would have loved the female attention.

"She kept talking to me. Flirting, putting her hands at places where I'd be facing a sexual harassment lawsuit. She was old. Addison was sitting right beside me and this cougar tries to seduce me. Guess I still have it in me!" Mark laughed "Addison collected quite a sum after talking about prenatal surgery with a senator's wife for 20 minutes, but this WASP charity thing is in her genes."

"Mr. Schneider asked me whether we had coordinated the pregnancies."

"You talked to this old corpse of a man? Must have been awful." Mark stated with pretended sympathy.

"He isn't too bad if his wife is not hitting on you." Derek countered. "I guess he was happy to be away from her for the night. Meredith charmed his neighbor into donating 500.000 Dollar for the surgical pro bono budget after talking to him about her mother's pro bono surgeries in Africa. Women are so good at this."

"The pregnancy certainly worked in their advantage. So you are moving back into the frat house?"

"It's not a frat house. Frat houses don't have nurseries and the house is going to be finished in a few months, so it's just temporary, but we are going to buy baby stuff Monday."

* * *

_Some people thing that believing in fate dismisses the role free will has in our life, that there is no chance for self-determination to prevail if fate existed. But the only thing we can control in life is the fate we choose for another. _

_We pass through the present with our eyes blindfolded. We are permitted merely to sense and guess at what we are actually experiencing. Only later when the cloth is untied can we glance at the past and find out what we have experienced and what meaning it has._

* * *

"Oh my god, Sam, what are you doing in Seattle? Where's Naomi? Oh my god, It's so nice to see you." Addison said when she ran towards her old friend.

"I wanted to visit my favorite people and since you all decided to move to the west coast I thought it'd be a good opportunity to before the madness of parenthood takes over for you. I can't believe you are having babies. I always thought I'd be you and Derek…"

"… well it isn't and I think it's for the better. We are happy, Sam. Mark and I are happy and Derek and Meredith are happy, well kind of. Mark said they made up at the ball yesterday." Addison tried to shut him up.

"I still can't believe Derek married angry pink haired girl! In Vegas!" Sam said. Addison was surprised. The story had always been legendary in their circle because they had always thought it was the most bizarre thing they had ever experienced.

"Meredith is angry pink haired girl? You tell me now? I mean you told me the story that this teenager jinxed our marriage after seeing the way Mark looked at me when you gave her a tour through the hospital the week before our wedding, but this angry teenager was Meredith Grey?"

"I think she was, Meredith is Ellis Grey's only daughter, isn't she? " Sam wondered and Addison nodded. Sam smiled and laughed "Well, in that case she's the one that told me that your marriage with Derek won't work out because of Mark. Because he 'looks like he wants to do her'. She was very observant for her age and saw something neither one of us was able to see. So how's my little niece doing?"

Addison looked at her grown belly and sighed "She's very active at night."

"Well, she's her father's daughter." Sam said and wondered "Where can I find him?"

"I guess he's in surgery right now. Or as he chooses to call it 'Making Seattle more beautiful'" Addison explained.

"He hasn't changed a lot since Med School, has he? What about Derek?"

"He's out shopping with the angry pink haired girl. Things have been tense, but they talked on the hospital's charity ball. But we could grab a coffee and wait for Mark. I'm only here for paper work anyway. Surgery is getting too exhausting." Addison suggested.

* * *

"Where did you get this shopping list from?" Meredith wondered when she looked through four A4 pages of baby items.

"My mom and my sisters sent it. Looks like we need a lot of stuff." Derek laughed.

"We have the changing table, the crib and the mattress, you and Cristina bought lots of nursery accessories."

"No, that was Izzie. Cristina and I stuck to the necessities." Meredith giggled and pushed the shopping cart.

Derek had a look at his list "Anyway, according to the list you need a belly support band to alleviate some of the pressure you feel while the…"

Meredith rolled her eyes. While she enjoyed that Derek tried to make an effort and take care of her again, she knew what a belly support band was for. "Derek, I have been on OB/Gyn for 3 months. I know what they are used for. You don't have to explain. Besides I don't want to know why you know so much about belly support bands."

"Four sisters, Meredith, four sisters." Derek reminded her.

"Well I have two sisters. One of them has a baby and the other one had sex with Alex according to Izzie." Meredith stated and looked at him.

His expression changed as he wondered why she would tell him about it. "Lexie had sex?"

Meredith nodded "with Alex. that's what Izzie said anyway. I mean why does she even tell me? Am I supposed to talk to her about it?"

* * *

"So what else do we need?" Meredith wondered after they had worked through half of their shopping list.

"Feeding supplies, diaper supplies, baby bathtub, a carrier, a stroller, nursing bras, a car seat, an infant swing, a bouncy seat. "Derek summaries the next 2 pages.

"That's an extensive list. " Meredith said surprised. How could a single baby need so many items she wondered to herself.

Derek smiled and reminded her "You were the one that refused to have a baby shower. I'm sure my family would have bought most of it if you had one."

How did he know about the baby shower? Meredith had never told him that Izzie had offered to throw her one, which only led her to one conclusion "Izzie told you about the baby shower?"

Derek nodded "Yes, Izzie told me. Why don't you want a baby shower?"

Meredith had never enjoyed those kind of gatherings and after her last encounter with one of Derek's sisters she wasn't too sure she wanted to meet them again too soon so she tried to avoid the topic. "Well, I'm going to take care of the feeding supplies and you can go ahead and buy diapers and wipes."

"Why can't we do it together?" Derek wondered.

"Because I don't want the image of a breast pump and nipple cream to be stuck in your head when you look at my boobs." Meredith answered truthfully.

"Fair enough."Derek nodded "Meet you back here in 10 minutes."

* * *

"Meredith, we don't have to do all of this today. I know it's exhausting. With the pregnancy and all those hours you are working." Derek reminded his wife when he found her asleep on a chair next after 20 minutes.

Meredith looked up to him with sleepy eyes and answered a little bitchy. All of a sudden it felt to Derek that she was picking a fight again. "No Derek, you don't, you don't have a clue. I am pregnant, I am a resident. You are the guy. Nothing changed for you, you still have the body you had 6 months ago."

"Meredith, relax, I just tried to suggest that you take a step back. For your sake and for the baby's sake." Derek told her and kissed her neck.

Meredith felt that Derek was overprotective "I don't need to take a step back, I can work for another 6 weeks before I have to take maternity leave and I'm going to take a step back then. At the minute I need as many hours in the OR as I can get."

"Meredith, I'm your husband, I think I should have a say in this." He insisted.

"Well, this is my career. I don't put our baby at risk, I'm inclined to think that I can take care of myself. So, let's just buy a stroller and head back to the hospital."

"You really shouldn't be doing a night shift."

"Don't mommy track me Derek." Meredith said and pushed the shopping cart to the check out "I just need to sleep for two hours and I'm going to be fine"

* * *

After Meredith had taken a nap while Derek had brought all the new baby items into the nursery he took her to the hospital. He didn't want her to drive alone and he wanted to spend as much time with her as possible.

"Oh my god, Sam what are you doing here?" Derek shouted as he escorted his wife through the hospital lobby.

"I came over to see you." Sam said as he hugged his friend hello.

"Who's that, Derek?" Meredith wondered.

"You don't remember? We met before." Sam chuckled and looked at the girl he had met so many years ago.

"Oh my god, you were in Vegas too." Meredith asked embarrassed as it seemed like the only possible explanation.

Derek laughed "No, Meredith, Sam has a daughter and a wife, Naomi wouldn't let him do something stupid like that."

"Well, actually, I'm getting a divorce"

"A divorce why?"

"Same reason you got a divorce."

"Your best friend was in love with your wife and she was in love with him?" Derek asked bitter.

Meredith looked at Sam and asked straight out "So where did we meet, Sam?"

Sam enjoyed this moment because he knew that Derek wouldn't believe what he was about to tell both of them "New York, 1994. I was a resident and the Chief had told me to give this pink haired teenager a tour around the hospital. He wanted your mother to transfer to the hospital and told me to be as friendly and charming as possible. It was a week before Derek and Addie got married and you accompanied me the entire day. You even saw Mark scrub in on a tonsillectomy on a pregnant woman."

"I can't say I'd remember the specifics. I saw a lot of hospitals and other medical facilities back then. So I was memorable?" Meredith wondered "The pink hair and the angry pissed off attitude, was it?"

"No, angry teenagers are not so memorable. I have one at home. We" Sam laughed and continued "sat in the gallery and you told me that Derek's marriage wouldn't work because Mark would be screwing his wife sooner or later. But obviously you didn't know he was Mark or Addison was going to be Derek's wife. Addison was in the OR to monitor the fetal heart rate."

Derek looked at him in shock. This was not possible. "Oh my god, you can't be serious? Meredith was the one who jinxed my marriage? We had a good laugh about it the day before the wedding. Who knew that she'd be right."

"Yeah, you were Addison and Derek." Sam agreed.

"Well, I was right after all." Meredith smiled.

"You were. " Derek kissed her. "See, Mer, we were meant to be."

"So, it's nice to meet you again, Meredith. I like the hair a lot better now." Sam complimented her "Want to grab a drink with Mark and me at the bar, for old times' sake, Derek?

"Sure." Derek agreed and said goodbye to his wife "Mer, have fun tonight, and don't kill any patients."

"Funny, Derek, funny. Have fun with your pals." Meredith said and disappeared to change into her scrubs.

* * *

As she walked into the locker room it was packed with residents and crying interns. "Hey, did you get a mail from HR too?" Izzie wondered when Meredith sat down next to her.

"HR? Why?"Meredith looked at her confused.

"I was fired." Izzie started to cry.

"Because of the merger?" Meredith wondered.

"They say that they had to make budget cuts. So they fire the girl who grew up in a trailer park. God, this day sucks." Izzie started to cry and when she realized what Meredith had told her she started to get mad "Wait, you knew about the merger and you haven't told us?"

"Izzie, I found out at the charity ball last night, I had to promise Derek not to tell anyone" Meredith tried to calm her friend down "I'm sure if I talk to Derek or the Chief and you get your job back."

Izzie was angry and shouted "Don't Meredith, don't pull strings for me. Don't I'm sure there's a reason why they only fired me and not you or Cristina"

"I'm fired." Sadie told them when she walked up to Meredith.

"Three quarter of my intern class are fired." Izzie added.

"See, Izzie, you are not the only one." Meredith tried to calm Izzie down "I can still talk to the Chief."

"You try to pull strings for her, but don't offer to do the same for me?" Sadie wondered.

"I can't pull strings for everyone. You have your father." Meredith reminded her. "He can get you in another program, Izzie hasn't."

"I'm not a charity case." Izzie got up and left. Meredith tried to follow her. "The almighty Meredith Grey doesn't have to act as my beneficiary and pull strings for the poor and less influential Izzie Stevens."

"And I can't believe you want me to play the daddy card." Sadie screamed. "You know I hate my dad"

Meredith turned around and faced Sadie "Well, you played it to get into the program, didn't you?"

"Well, yeah." Sadie admitted.

"See, do it again" Meredith told her and tried to catch up Izzie. "You don't seem to care about helping patients anyway, for you it's about cutting people open. So go back to Daddy and see if he can find another army of dead to cut open for you. Grow up, Sadie."

* * *

"Izzie, why don't you want me to ask …" Meredith asked her when she found her at their secret hide out in the basement.

"Because I want to get away from Seattle. Just get the hell out of this place." Izzie started to cry and walked away. "My stupid boyfriend is playing Dr. with your sister in an on call room and I'm the one who is getting fired."

"Izzie, I'm sure we can work something out. We are your friends."

"No, you are just people I worked with for a while. You are always so caught up in your own McDreamy drama that you don't even notice what the people around you go through. You probably don't even know about it, but your sister is sleeping with Alex and Sadie is just Sadie, a person who doesn't clean up after herself and leaves her stuff everywhere. If she's not working she's hung over or sleeping, but you don't notice those things because you think you are the center of the universe and everything orbits around you and your little drama. You don't notice if the people around you get hurt. I see you and Derek and all I see is that this was how Denny and I were supposed to be. Happy, building a family and then you look around and find out that the guy you want to do it with is either cheating on you or dying. So cut me some slack and just let me go."

* * *

"Cristina, we need to talk" Meredith told Cristina when she saw her in an on call room.

"You are back with McDreamy. I know, Izzie told me this morning"

"Well, apparently I was the one who predicted his marriage would fail. Back in 1994. I was at the hospital Mark and Addison worked at and a friend showed me around and I said Derek and Addison were not going to work out because Mark looked like he wanted to do her."

"What? You don't make sense." Cristina stuttered half awake.

"I or my 15 year old very angry me told one of their friends that McSteamy looked like he wants to do Addison and that her marriage won't last because she looked like she wanted to do him too."

"Kudos to you, you were right." Cristina laughed "Just when I think you became boring, you rise"

"It's weird, crazy. I mean on a scale from 0 to 10 on the crazy scale it's a…"

"Grey 11, which is a 15 for normal people" Cristina suggested. "Want me to tell you that the two of you are meant to be and always were meant to be? Here it is: You and Shepherd are meant to grow old together and have an awful lot of bubbly children with awesome hair. Now let me sleep."

_It's strange. The fact that you exist is strange. It's the strange fact that out of billions of people in the world, your mother and father met and decided to get married to each other. To have sex and and out of the millions of sperm, that the one with your genes was the one that made it to the egg and fertilised the egg. So who am I to say that fate does not exist when it's a miracle I ever existed?_


	64. Chapter 64

_Thanks a lot for all those reviews... I did some soul searching and decided to continue the story until the end of residency which (for me) and the way I planned the story to progress is a natural ending point. I wrote up the dialog for another 30 chapters now, but it's going to take a while to brush it up enough for publication. So I hope you keep reading and enjoy what I write. _

_Gina: Yes the merger is going to bring in some new characters.  
Susan: Derek is not the Chief, so if there's a shooting in this story, he wouldn't be the target of Gary Clark.  
Patsy: Thank you! Glad you liked it. I can assure you that we'll get to see poster book husband Derek in the next few chapters.  
Claire: Thank you! I'm glad you enjoy it.  
Carolyn: thank you!_

* * *

**Chapter 65 Farewell**

_You never know that the last time is going to be the last time. Change. It's the only constant in life. Catastrophes happen, good things happen. We are born, we grow, we grow up, we get old, we die. We change. It's the only constant and but sometimes things change for the better and if they do, we don't want for them to change and if we don't want things to change, they will, regardless of what we wished for. We can't stop time, but we can try to adapt as life goes on. You always think that there are going to be more._

_You never know the last time is going to be the last time. Except when you do._

"So this is goodbye" Sadie sighed after she had carried her last suitcase out the front door. She would leave to continue her internship at a hospital in Florida.

"It is." Meredith nodded.

"Maybe I can call you sometime and we can meet somewhere for a drink." Sadie suggested as the two friends looked at each other from two meters apart.

"Maybe. Or maybe not. Probably not." Meredith said with a sad smile on her face. It was time to face reality. "I don't know, Sadie. We changed. We are not the people we were in med school, I'm not. I'm not the partying drunk girl anymore. We …"

Sadie interrupted her and completed the sentence "changed and I am still the partying drunk girl. It's my life right now. I like it. Yeah. So this is good bye."

"It is. Best of luck, Sadie." Meredith said and hugged her friend.

"It was nice knowing you, Meredith."

"It was."

"Good bye Meredith."

"Good bye." Sadie said and closed the taxi's door. Meredith waved and watched the taxi drive away. Today had been the last time she ever said good bye to Sadie.

* * *

Meredith went back inside and sat down next to Derek at the kitchen table. "I can't believe I changed so much, Derek. In six weeks we are going to have a baby and a little over a year ago I went out clubbing every night. In Europe and in Med School it was always Sadie and me. We were a team, we always had the same focus."

"And now you have a different focus"

"Yes, and it's scary. I mean I love this baby. But it's scary."

"to be responsible for a tiny human that can't take care of itself." Derek wondered and smiled at her. That's what he felt like every once in a while, but he knew they'd do fine. His sisters were amazing with their kids and so would he be.

"Yes and right now I wonder whether I'll ever see Sadie again. We are just so different. Did you ever have that person where you thought the two of you were compatible and awesome together and then you found out you weren't because you changed so much?"

Derek laughed "I was married to her."

"I forgot about that." Meredith said and wondered "So are not you freaking out about being a dad?"

"No, I'm looking forward to it. I want all our crappy babies. Have fun and save some lives" Derek told Meredith kissing her goodbye before she left to go to the hospital."

* * *

It was their last quiet day before the merger would be completed. Starting tomorrow the halls would be flooded with Mercy West employees. The locker room would be filled with new people they didn't know, others would have left it forever. "Yang, Grey, I want you in on a special case. We are about to save a hero. Helicopter arrives in 10 minutes. Follow me." Bailey ordered them. "No questions asked. I'm going to tell you once we see the patient."

"Why do you always get the good cases?" Alex asked annoyed.

"That's what happens when you sleep with an attending. You should try it." Cristina suggested.

"Shut up."

"No, you shut up. Karev, the new peds attending requested you. Stevens, it's your last day say good bye, go to HR, return your cards, clean out your locker and go home. And now hurry." Bailey said and pushed them out the door.

* * *

They were waiting on the helipad when the helicopter landed "John Doe, not fully responsive. Was hit by a bus and sustained several injuries. Spine seems to be intact, but there's a lot of free fluid in the abdomen. You need to get him into an OR as fast as possible. The other victim is coming in via ambulance."

"Yang, page trauma" Bailey ordered.

"He should get a head CT. He isn't able to speak and is air way is clean, so it must be something." Meredith insisted after trying to interrogate the patient, who was aware but unable to answer.

"He's not stable enough, Dr. Grey." Bailey told her, but Meredith was sure it was the right call.

"I think he is. If the trauma doesn't kill him, a possible brain bleed will kill him for sure. Derek would get a head CT. I know he would."

"Grey, fine, go get a head CT." Bailey said. "Hurry!"

* * *

"He's a hero." The CT technician told her after looking at the patient's file.

Meredith rolled her eyes. She knew how bruised his face was, she knew the damage the impact had done to his body. She knew how grim his prognosis was. "He's an idiot. Jumping in front of a bus to save a stranger that's not heroic, that's moronic, stupid. He looks like a guy who has a wife and children to go home to, who does that?"

"If he has relatives." Cristina said. "Anyway, men are stupid. Men do stupid things."

They didn't get to continue their conversation as the CT scans popped up on their screen. "Look at that bleed, we need to get him into the OR asap."

"Page Dr. Nelson to the OR and bring the scans." Cristina told her intern and they wheeled the patient to the OR.

* * *

"How's he doing?" Lexie asked when she came into John Doe's room. The patient had survived the first surgery, but was not stable enough yet to go back to surgery.

"He's stable for now." Meredith looked up from his chart and sighed "Bleeding is under control. Nelson did everything he could so far. The rest is up to him. We are going to go back tomorrow and fix the rest. I'll monitor his intracranial pressure over night."

"Meredith, are you sure that you can do this? You've been here all day" Lexie who was on call too wondered

"Lexie, I sit on my bud and look at a number." Meredith answered "You don't have to be overprotective, Derek is bad enough as it is. I don't need my whole family mommy tracking me."

"I'm going to sit here with you."

* * *

**Chapter 66 Swear it all over again**

* * *

_We change and so does the world around us. It's the only constant and when things change for the worse, we are waiting for the miracle, a moment when things turn around and the outlook becomes less grim. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. _

* * *

"His pressure is up. We need to get him into the OR for an emergency craniotomy. Page Nelson." Meredith said after checking the patient's stats.

"Why not Derek?" Lexie wondered.

"He's not Derek's patient."

"But Derek is better than Nelson" Lexie insisted. "If you want him to have a chance, I'd take Derek."

"No, Derek has been working for almost 24 hours and only came home this morning. He wanted to go fishing and by the time he'll get there it might be too late. Page Nelson, I don't want to be the one to explain to him why I referred my patient to another neurosurgeon."

"Derek can pull rang." Lexie reminded her "He's the head of neurosurgery."

"Just get Dr. Nelson already. I don't need to discuss this with you."

* * *

Meredith heard one of nurses gossip when she and Lexie pushed the bed towards the elevator. "At least they found his wallet at the scene and have somebody track his relatives down."

"He's stable for now." Meredith told her "But we need to get him into an OR as fast as possible. We need a general surgeon and a neurosurgeon. Page them and tell the police to get the details or tell them to call the family. They need to get her asap."

* * *

"You slept with Alex" Meredith stated after they walked out of the scrub room. The patient's brain injury had led to brain death before they had even reached the OR. Meredith might have saved him if she had performed the craniotomy in the patient's room by the time she had noticed the rapid increase in intracranial pressure.

"I did." Lexie answered.

"I don't want to ask, but I do anyway because you are my sister and Alex and Izzie are my friends, Why?"

"Dad's girlfriend. Before he told us, I saw them in the car and she's young. Very young. She's as old as I am or as you are, very young anyway. My mom isn't dead for a year and he goes after a woman who could be his daughter. It's messed up."

Meredith looked at her and thought to herself that her sister was just as messed up as she was right now. "And you were angry and sad?"

"Yes."Lexie nodded.

" So it was meaningless sex." Meredith tried to reassure herself.

"It was meaningless sex."

"Lexie, I don't judge. It did the whole meaningless sex thing myself. It seems to be what Greys do." Meredith began to explain "But ever since Susan died Thatcher is missing a piece, but he needs to move on without that missing piece and you need to move on without another missing piece. The love he felt for your mom was true and he'll never love another person the way she loved him. Even if he has a new girl friend, he's always going to love Susan because she's the mother of his daughters and the woman he spend 25 wonderful years with. For the longest time I was angry at him for leaving me and being happy with another family, I know the anger and I can tell you that it doesn't help, it doesn't make it better."

Lexie didn't reply and looked at her with tear filled eyes.

Meredith bid her lip and breathed in. What she was about to say was sound advice, advice she wouldn't have taken a year ago. "If you love him, you'll meet her, say hello, talk to her and maybe it won't be so bad. Or maybe it will feel awkward and you know how I feel when I see dad. But you never know if the last time is the last time, we had this patient today, we monitored him and he died and I'm on my way to tell his wife and his two kids that their daddy didn't make it because he tried to save another kid and that kid was in the ER complaining about how he ruined her dress and I have to talk to the family about whether or not they want to pull the plug. So don't wait until it's too late."

* * *

"You're my husband's doctor. Right?" a woman approached Meredith. She looked like a person who had just been hit by a truck herself. Meredith saw her two children sitting on chairs behind her blissfully unaware of what had happened to their father.

Looking at Meredith the woman seemed to know what she was about to tell her "Mrs Jones, I'm very sorry to tell you that he didn't make it. We did everything we could. When he arrived he had a huge brain bleed, severe traumatic injuries in his abdomen and several broken ribs. While we were able to repair the injuries in his abdomen, the brain injuries were too severe. I know this is no consolation to you, but I'm very sorry for your loss."

"Is there a chance that he'll wake up?" she wondered.

"There is, there have been documented cases where people woke up, but the chances are little. Very little. Realistically he's not going to wake up. Right now his body functions are controlled by machines because the damage to his brain has been so severe that it is highly unlikely that it's going to be able to repair itself. It's your decision."

The tears started to run down the wife's cheeks. "I was in the shower when he left this morning. I never kissed him good bye. I can't even remember the last thing I told him." She stammered in between her sobs. "What about organ donations? He was a donor, he would have wanted to donate."

"Unfortunately his injuries are so severe that the organs are not viable for donations. Do you want to see him and kiss him good bye now and think about how you want to proceed?"

The woman nodded "Can you take care of my kids?"

"There's someone from social services who will look after them while you wait…"

"… for him to take his last breath." The woman sighed. "He wouldn't have wanted to live like this. Being kept alive by a respirator."

* * *

_We are born, we grow, we grow up, we get older, we die. We change. It's the only constant and but sometimes things change for the better and if they do, we don't want for them to change and if we don't want things to change, they will, regardless of what we wished for. Think about the last time you've been truly happy, where you felt blessed. Hold on to it! Because if things change, if your life changes, you have to adapt._

* * *

"Where's Izzie?" Meredith wondered when she walked into Izzie's empty room.

"I don't know. I just came home." Alex, who sat on her bed, stated. "Her room is empty. I can't believe she left without a word."

"You had sex with Lexie." Meredith stated.

"It didn't mean anything. I had a fight with Izzie and we were confused and …" he cried.

"… it didn't mean anything." Meredith nodded and sat down next to him to console the man that had saved her from drowning, but she was hit almost as hard as he was. She thought Izzie was her friend, the kind of friend you cover for when they cut an LVAD wire, the kind of friend you'd say goodbye to before you left.

* * *

"I can't believe she just left. Without saying good bye. I thought we were friends. I never got to say good bye" Meredith said when Derek sat down next to her in their bed.

"Say good bye now. Pretend that she's going to hear it." Derek suggested, but Meredith dismissed his comment instantly. "That's stupid."

"It works. I used to talk to my dad a lot. You feel better. It's nice to think that the other person listens, that there's something in the universe that lets them know how you feel. After dad died it was a huge comfort."

"Do you still do it?" Meredith wondered.

"Talk to dad?" He asked and laughed "Sometimes, about the important things."

"Like me and the baby?" Meredith wondered.

"Like you and the baby. I talked to him about you and the baby a lot. He likes you."

"Do you still miss him? We never really talked about this."

Derek looked up. "Every day and it's scary because it's been so long I don't know what his voice sounded like or remember what were the last things he said to me. It's crazy that you forget those things."

"When I was five my mother tried to kill herself, I called 911, she left the hospital the next day, she packed our bags and left Seattle. I don't remember the last time I saw my dad back then. Because you never know the last time..."

"… was going to be the last time." Derek added as he bit his lip to hold back his tears.

"What was he like?" Meredith wondered.

"He was my dad. I was a kid. He was my hero. He had my hair and my eyes, or I have his. He used to take me fly fishing on Sundays after mass. We'd drive out of the city and spend five hours on our own and drive back home. It didn't matter if it was sunny, raining or snowing, we'd always go. It was our hideout, do you know what it's like to grow up in a house full of women?"

"I don't know what it's like to grow up in a house with any people." Meredith stated. The house had always been empty and lonely when she was a kid. She had always been alone.

"After he was shot, I took care of them." Derek admitted "Every time something bad happened to them, I wanted to protect them and now I want to protect you and the baby and make sure nothing happens to you."

"Derek, you always want to save everyone, but you don't have to save the whole world." Meredith stated. Derek's good intentions were one of his flaws. "Not even your whole family. Not even me. They make their own choices and there's nothing you can do about that. We had this patient today, he was hit by a guy who ran a red light and he could have survived, but before he was hit he ran halfway across the road to save a girl's life. He left his wife widowed and his kids fatherless because of this one act of kindness towards the little brat that complained that the guy who got killed saving her ruined her dress. You can't save everyone and if you try to you can't expect their gratitude."

"But I want to." Derek insisted.

"I know Derek. Just stop worrying. That's my job. Bad things happen all the time and ..."

"We'll survive them as a family, we'll survive, we'll be fine. Don't worry. We'll be fine. I'll make sure we are going to be fine."

"I really hope Izzie is going to be fine."

* * *

_We can't stop time, but we can try to adapt as life goes on. You never know that the last time is the last time, but you didn't know the first time was going to happen when it did happen either. Sometimes we can decide the last time is the last time and sometimes we can't .Sometimes good things end, only for new things to begin._


	65. Chapter 65

_big merger ahead... some new characters... some insight on old characters... _

_Thanks for the reviews... _

* * *

**Chapter 67 Merge**

The merger brought some major changes. Sadie had left, Izzie had left without a word and the house felt empty without them. The morning of the arrival of the Mercy West residents was gruesome. A bunch of Mercy West residents had started at her like a circus attraction when she got changed in the locker room and she wasn't entirely sure whether it was the pregnancy or the fact that she was Ellis Grey's daughter that made the do it, but she was grumpy anyway. The prospect of having new residents to compete with was just as annoying as the assignment Bailey had given her for the week. She stormed into his office to confront her husband. "You are mommy tracking me again, Derek! Don't request me for your service if you don't need a second resident and I really have to clock a few hours in the OR in general before I give birth. I would have had 6 consecutive hours on general today, why do you request me if all you want me to do is charting?" Meredith yelled after she had found out about her assignments for the day. Derek had requested her and now made her do charting.

"You are too pregnant to be on your feet for 6 straight hours." Derek reminded her.

"I can take care of myself. I'm a grown up. I'm hormonal and horny all the time which is surprising considering, well you know, but I don't need you to look after me at work. I can take care of my needs. But fine, see you later. I'm off to do charting." Meredith told him took her charts and walked out of his office. "See you at home, Derek."

* * *

While she walked down the halls she bumped into someone. Her mood was elevated instantly "George, you're back" Meredith hugged her friend when she walked into him. She had not realized that the merger would bring back George to the halls of the hospital that was formerly known as Seattle Grace and was now called Seattle Grace Mercy West.

"I was so excited when I found out about the merger. I meant to call you, but every time I dialed your number I just couldn't because I was afraid you wouldn't be as excited. So I am back and you are big. I mean Callie told me that you were pregnant before we divorced, but you are massive." George wondered "How far along are you?"

"35 weeks. I missed you George." Meredith said still not letting George go.

When she finally let go off him he told her "I missed all of you. Where's Izzie?"

"Uhm… she was… fired because of the merger. She's working in LA now. Dr. Montgomery got her a job there., pulled some strings to get her in UCLA's OB/Gyn residency program" Meredith explained.

"She's not here?" George wondered disappointed. "So how's Shepherd`?

Meredith rolled her eyes "Shepherd is Shepherd. Let's talk about something else. So what are the others like?"

"Well there are Jackson and me. April, Reid and Percy." George told her and laughed "Jackson is alright, he has the looks and everything, the nurses at Mercy West loved him".

"Anyway, I can't be caught talking to the enemy, see you. "You are a Mercy Wester! There's nothing I can do about it."

* * *

"Meredith?" she heard a voice behind her ask.

She turned around and was surprised to see a familiar face "Oh my god, Jackson! I haven't seen you in a while. You are the Mercy West Jackson. Your friends starred at me this morning. How are you doing? "

"Yes, I am the Mercy West resident. I'm good and you are pregnant…" Jackson said. It's been almost 8 years since he saw her the last time.

"… and married." She added showing off her engagement ring. "

"Do you know where I can find Dr. Shepherd? I'm on his service today." Jackson wondered.

"Well good luck with that, I can promise you that he won't be in a good mood right now." Meredith giggled.

"Why?" Jackson asked suspiciously.

"Oh, he had an argument with his wife about the way he handled his clinical trial." Meredith said secretively.

"The Shepherd-Grey Method trial? You were working with him on that. It must have been delightful. I'm envious. I would have loved to participate in something like that." Jackson told her.

"Well, yeah, Dr. Shepherd has been a pleasure to work with. I guess you'll find him in his office. It's just down the hall." Meredith smiled and walked away.

* * *

After Derek had sent Jackson away to do the pre ops for the patients he met Mark on the bridge that connected the two surgical units. "Your wife made friends with one of the Mercy West residents." The plastic surgeon chuckled.

"O'Malley?" Derek wondered

"No, the guy who was on your service today. I forgot his name." Mark told him.

"Avery?" Derek asked surprised.

"Yeah, heard them talking in the hall." Mark told him

"Meredith is horny."

"What are you talking about?"

"She came into my office, yelled at me because she thinks I'm mommy tracking her and told me she was horny." Derek told his friend amused.

"and you had sex?" Mark said.

"No, she walked away." Derek cleared up the situation.

"You should have done her. Addison's sex cravings are an epitome of heaven. It's crazy! So intense!" Mark said amazed by his memory of his last night.

"Mark, if you don't want me to punch you, you better quit talking about you having sex with my ex wife! I'm not interested in the details." Derek barked.

"Want me to talk to Grey?" Mark continued to tease him.

"No" Derek insisted "I have a surgery to get to"

* * *

Meredith sat at the nurse's station with a couple of files next to her when Alex walked up to her. "You look as miserable as I feel. Want to tell me what happened between you and Izzie?" she greeted the other resident. "There's a reason she left, right? You and my sister. What happened? I'm not going to ask her because it's really not my business, but you need someone to kick your butt."

"Izzie and I had a relationship and she caught me in an on call room with Lexie. It was just sex – for both of us." Alex sighed.

"You can't be serious." Meredith rolled her eyes and asked "Do you love her?"

"Yes!" Alex sighed "But she left"

"Well, that is all that matters, go to LA and fight for her! You look like a beaten puppy and from experience I can tell you, it's not worth it." Meredith pep talked him "Meet her, talk to her. You are not a quitter!"

"I can't just fly to LA and confess my love to her and ask her to come back" Alex insisted.

"Yes, you can do this! I care about Izzie and I care about you and I know that you are going to hate yourself forever if you don't go down there and fight for her. So go, just go!"

* * *

Derek was mad when he walked into the scrub room and he didn't even know why. "What can you tell me about this procedure, Dr. Avery?

"I don't know. It's the first time I hear about this technique." Jackson admitted. "The neurosurgical department at Mercy West wasn't quite as equipped as Seattle Grace is."

"Well, instead of chatting up other residents you should spend your time in the library and read up on the procedures." Derek suggested and looked at him sternly.

"Okay." Jackson nodded and Derek added "I guess you can look for Dr. Grey, take over the charting for her and tell her to scrub in with me."

* * *

"I'm here to tell you that Dr. Shepherd wants you to scrub in. Apparently I don't know enough about the procedure." Jackson told Meredith when he found her reading over her charts.

Meredith looked up surprised. "Alright. I'm confused. Dr. Shepherd requested me to do his charting. What have you done to get kicked out of surgery and to have him request me?" Derek usually didn't kick anyone out without a reason.

"I didn't do anything. He's acting like he's on his period. Why is Dr. Shepherd acting like an ass?" Jackson told her.

"Because he's an ass. Sometimes." Meredith giggled and got up from her seat "He can be sweet"

"Hold on, he's your husband?" Jackson asked surprised and laughed at the realisation.

"Yeah, it's a long story, well, actually it's not, but I have to go now. But I'm going to charm him now and maybe you get to scrub in on his second surgery of the day."

* * *

"Do you want to tell me why you kicked Jackson out of the OR?" Meredith asked straight out after she had walked into the OR.

"Jackson?" Derek looked at her and raised his eyebrows.

"Yeah, Jackson, Dr. Jackson Avery." Meredith clarified who she was talking about.

"Not Dr. Avery? That's fast." He noted bitter "You two really did talk a lot. I sent him away because he was unprepared and spent his time chatting up…"

"Excuse me" Meredith looked at him in shock "… you are telling me you are jealous because I talked to Jackson after I left your office?"

"Mark said you were flirting. "

Meredith started to giggle "I told you I know Jackson, he's the kid I pushed down a slide. I wasn't flirting. He wasn't flirting. But I like it if you are jealous. "

"I wasn't jealous. " Derek insisted. "He's Harper Avery's grandson?"

"You were jealous. Mark told you that I was talking to him and you kicked him out of your OR. I look like a whale and you are jealous. You don't kick people out of your OR unless they disobey you." Meredith corrected him. "I like it if you are jealous."

"Mark told me that Addison wants sex every time she gets angry ever since she's pregnant."

"Ugh Derek, that's something I didn't really want to hear. And I don't want to have sex every time I get pregnant because I'm really exhausted all the time. I'm too exhausted to even think about sex, so don't ever mention Mark, Addison and sex in the same sentence ever again." Meredith noted.

"Me neither, but Mark told me, so I want you to suffer with me. You tell me if you need a break?"

"Derek, no mommy tracking. You don't have to be overprotective."Meredith rolled her eyes "and you don't have to be a jerk, so just let Jackson scrub in later on."

* * *

"The Mercy West residents are stealing all my surgeries." Cristina complained when she put her tray onto the table. "Reed, what kind of name is this anyway? That girl looked like she can't even hold a retractor and I was stuck with charting all morning."

Meredith looked up and continued eating her chicken sandwich "George is back and I still think he totally totally has the hots for Izzie."

"Does he know about her and Evil Spawn? Or that Callie is all into girls now?" Cristina asked amused "That she's the reason Hahn left?"

"How would I know? I talked to him for 5 minutes and he asked me where Izzie was and he had this look." Meredith explained how their meeting had gone down.

"He had this look?" Cristina questioned Meredith's statement.

"Well, this look. You know that look. The look you have when you look at Hunt." Meredith clarified her statement.

"I don't look at Dr. Hunt that way." Cristina denied that she was interested in Dr. Hunt.

"Sure. Yesterday when they introduced him as new head of trauma you couldn't get your eyes of him" Meredith smiled "Anyway, I didn't mention that Alex and Izzie are you know fighting. I just mentioned that Izzie got fired. George shouldn't get his hopes up. Izzie has been there for me, I should be here for her now."

"Anyway, this is not good." Cristina concluded. "How about Lexie? George might like her."

"No, doubt it. My mother thought he looked like Thatcher. I'm a girl with daddy issues and even I wouldn't go out with someone who looked like my dad when he was younger. In Lexie's case it'd be even more messed up." Meredith moved her head up and down while taking a sip of her strawberry milkshake "Derek was jealous because I talked to Jackson."

"That good looking kid? You are talking to the enemy. We are Seattle Grace residents. We are hardcore. So it's Jackson? Not Dr. Avery. Jackson?" Cristina asked.

"Yeah, that's him. Derek was great. He's cute when he's jealous. He denied it, but he was jealous." Meredith smiled. "On the very bright side: I got to scrub in on Derek's surgery. So it was a good morning"

"How's McBaby today?" Cristina changed the subject.

"It's getting big, I'm a whale and I can't see my own feet. Can you imagine that? If I look down, I don't see my feet. It's crazy" Meredith started her little monologue. "I packed my hospital bag and put it into my locker this morning. I know it's still early, but being my baby I'm sure that the contractions are going to start at the worst possible time."

"My money is on the ferry" Cristina said. "Sloan put 75 on OR, Izzie said kitchen because you always eat grilled cheese at night."

"You are betting on where I have my baby? You guys can't be serious!" Meredith eyed her friend.

"Among other things. The nurses put all their money on a girl" Cristina tried to get herself out of the situation.

"Well, don't. Don't put your money on anything." Meredith insisted and grabbed one of Cristina's fries. "My baby and my pregnancy isn't something to bet on. I have to go now"

* * *

Meredith sat down in Derek's office and started to look through his paper work. She had taken care of charting and his paper work before and it felt good to sit down because her feet started to swell a lot faster now. Her administrative work was interrupted by her sister. "Meredith, do you remember the conversation we had a few weeks ago about your mom's journal?"

Meredith looked at her and didn't know how to reply. "The one I told you to forget about? Can't you deal with your own shit first?" It was a bold move. A move she probably would have pulled herself if it was anyone else's possible sibling.

"That one. Well, I couldn't and after the merger." Lexie stammered. "You said she was taken to Mercy West after the attempted suicide, well, I kind of did something stupid and possibly illegal, something I could get fired for, but anyway, I looked at her file."

Meredith got more curious after listening to her sister "And? Spit it out. The way you are stammering, I'm sure there was something."

"When she was admitted she didn't know she was pregnant, but the blood test proved it. She was pregnant. She was pregnant and they told her she was that night. She was pregnant when she left Seattle." Lexie stated and showed Meredith the print.

"It doesn't make sense. I would remember." Meredith said in denial, but the result was clear. The HCG hormones were elevated and the box for pregnancy was checked with a yes.

Lexie sat down next to her. "What exactly do you remember?"

"We went to the park that afternoon, which was odd enough because we never went to the park. I mean dad took me, but mom never did. She was in surgery and at the hospital. Like we are now. She never." Meredith said and thought about what she remembered from her life in Seattle. "Anyway, we went to the park and I rode the carousel and mom was standing at the side and she was yelling at someone. I think it was Richard and when the carousel stopped she had disappeared. I looked for her, but she was gone. When I found her she was crying, we went home and she cut her wrist. She told me not to call 911, that I shouldn't worry, that it was just blood. That I should grow up to be an extraordinary human being."

Meredith sighed. There were things she couldn't quite remember, but this night was something she would never forget "When she passed out I called 911, her blood was dripping down the table onto the floor and we went to the hospital. They discharged her, we went home, she packed her stuff and told me to pack mine, we moved and she cried a lot and I forgot to take my anatomy Jane with me. I loved that doll."

What happened afterwards was quite unclear. She knew that they had spent a lot of time at the airport before catching a flight to the east coast and that her mom was crying most of the time they were sitting in the waiting area of the airport. She knew that she wasn't supposed to ask questions. "We hid in a tiny apartment and I wasn't supposed to ask any questions. She asked me not to say anything. I never spend more time with her in my life. But it was spent in silence. It was just me and my miserable mom. I started first grade and was just another kid. She picked me up after school and we went home. It was colder and the leaves were changing their color and we carved pumpkins at school. When her water broke I was scared because it reminded her of when she slit her wrists. We went to the hospital and there was a lot of screaming and we went back and everything went back to normal. We moved across town to a nice house and she started her fellowship and she was working all the time. Holy crap! Ellis was pregnant."

"What happened to the child?"

"I don't know. I know we didn't bring the baby home." Meredith said and remembered how lonely she used to feel after school in their empty house.

"Is there a way to find out about what happened to the baby?"

"Why would you want to find out?"

"Because your mom and my dad might have another child." Lexie suggested, but Meredith was certain it wasn't Thatcher's child because of the stories her mother had told her after her Alzheimer had advanced.

"Or my mother had an adulterous love child with our Chief of surgery and we are going to get fired because we found out after pulling some old medical files without permission. Just because your dad is having some sort of mid life crisis doesn't mean I have to care about my mother's past." Meredith told Lexie dismissive.

"Imagine if that girl was actually the daughter he never knew existed." Lexie joked about her father's younger girlfriend.

"Messed up and dark. You are messed up and dark, Lexie. I dragged you down into my little dark place." Meredith giggled "But we have torches now, so it's getting brighter once in a while"

"Wouldn't it be nice if your child had yet another aunt or uncle?" Lexie tried to push the topic.

"Derek has more than enough sisters as it is. I'm sure they are going to take over Seattle once family favorite Addison pushes out her little offspring. 50- they are going to be here before I pushed out my baby."

* * *

"What are you two doing here?" Derek wondered when he walked into his office after finishing surgery. He was surprised to find his wife and her sister at his desk looking over ancient lab results.

"Wondering who the father of Ellis' second child was and where that child is today." Meredith told him without looking up from his file.

"What are you talking about?" Derek wondered and tried to peak over his shoulder.

"Ellis was pregnant when she left Seattle." Meredith said less than enthusiastic. "Do you think Richard…"

"You'd have to ask him." Derek interrupted her. "The new peds attending was looking for you and Karev."

"Did she say what she want?" Meredith wondered thinking about the last time she had been assigned to peds and the unfortunate incident with Dr. Miller.

"No, she was just looking for you. But considering the fact that you two are hiding here discussing hypothetical siblings she had a hard time doing so." Derek suggested. "So you better leave my office now and find her."

* * *

Alex and Meredith sat in front of Dr. Robin's office for a while without speaking. Neither one of them said a word. It was unusually silent. Alex's thoughts were occupied with Izzie's departure and Meredith was thinking about the latest discovery. They were interrupted when a quirky confident blonde woman appeared on her wheelies. Shoes with wheels on the back were a new innovation that had been introduced when she arrived. The young patients loved it and Dr. Robins enjoyed driving around with them. "Dr. Karev, Dr. Grey. I wanted to talk to you. Come in" she said as she opened the door to her office.

"About the incident with Dr. Miller?" Alex wondered.

"Yes, so far I only know his side from the notes" Arizona Robins nodded. "but as we are the ones that are going to work together, I hope you can explain what happened that night. The punishment was pretty light so I assume that there was a reason why you acted the way you did"

Alex laughed. "There really isn't a lot to the story. He was on call, we had a patient that needed surgery immediately because she would have died otherwise and he didn't answer his pages for twenty minutes so we got her into an OR without him. We wouldn't have done it if he had answered his page."

"We paged him multiple times." Meredith added.

Arizona nodded. "Alright, don't pull any crap like this on me and we'll be fine. I answer my pages. Your peds ban is lifted. I'm going to tell your Chief resident to work peds back into your rotation. When are you due Grey?"

"A month" Meredith said.

"That's awesome. You must be thrilled. When you are back from maternity leave you'll be on peds for a while."

* * *

"She's nice" Alex said after they had left the office.

"Well, compared to Dr. Miller Satan would be a nice person." Meredith giggled thinking about the creepy pediatric surgeon that had kicked them out of peds rotation. "So what about Izzie?"

"I feel like I'm a train wreck and I don't want to drag everyone down." Alex said. "Everyone I screw runs away, it's gotta tell me something."

"You are not a train wreck, Alex. You saved my life. You saved me and without you I wouldn't have found Derek because I'd be dead. You are the reason all of this happened. You made it possible. You are not a bad guy. If you don't go now, you'll never get closure. I'm going to cover your shift and you'll go down to L.A. and talk to her. Sort things out"

"What happens if she doesn't take me back?" Alex voiced his fear.

"You know it." Meredith said slowly. "It'll hurt, but two years from now you won't wonder what could have happened, you'll know. You deserve to have certainty. You are not a bad guy, Alex. You did one stupid thing here."

* * *

After Alex had agreed to think about confronting Izzie and trying to win her back, Meredith drove home to have dinner with her husband. When she came into the kitchen he was making a chicken breast with parmesan and pasta. She sat down on the table and loked at him. "Life sucks. Half the hospital is placing bets on where I have my baby, my sister told me my mom was pregnant with another baby and two of my friends are having an interstate lovers' quarrel because one of them ran away after finding the other one in bed with my sister. How was surgery with Avery?

"He isn't too bad. Fine hands. The sutures were precise and clean." Derek admitted "I could put a 100 on the trailer and we'd win enough to put our son through college"

"I'm not having my child at the trailer. I want drugs and a sanitary environment." Meredith replied angrily and looked at Derek "Don't smile like that. I'm serious."

"I was kidding, Meredith." He tried to calm her down, but she had already moved on to another topic.

"So what do you think happened to Ellis child? I mean I think I remember that she gave birth." Meredith wondered.

"Maybe the child was stillborn or she gave it up for adoption."

"Why would she do this? I mean she had me"

"But it's different. You were five when she left Seattle. Being a single mom of one child is easier than being a single mom of two especially if one of them was a newborn."

"Do you think she… " Meredith hesitated, but Derek sensed what Meredith was afraid to ask.

"Meredith, don't ask those questions. Your mom can't answer them and if she didn't want you she would have left you with your father. She wanted you to be with her. She loved you and she would have loved the person you became. She can be proud of you."

"You're the best husband ever."


	66. Chapter 66

_Ellen: I hope the following chapters are going to shed some light on the Alex/Lexie/Izzie story. It's not the last time she is mentioned. _

_Claire: Glad you like it! Can assure you that there's going to be more._

_Patsy: Thanks Patsy! Yes we are going to meet April, Reid and Percy now. _

_Susan: I can't spoil too much here, but I can say that there's going to be a storyline that deals with the aftermath of Ellis' departure from Boston _

_anne0717: Thank you for the feedback! I'm glad you like the story._

_Anita: Thanks! I'm glad you like it._

_Gina: Thanks! I really like happy MerDer too. _

* * *

**Chapter 68 House Of Love**

"What are you doing here? Today was your day off. Have you seen Karev, Mer? I was looking for him, he doesn't answer his pages." Derek wondered when he met Meredith at the lobby. "He is supposed to be on my service today and I can't find him."

"Well, he's taking care of some personal business and I'm covering for him, someone must have forgotten to change the plans." Meredith explained. "So, page me if you need something"

"Is this personal business someone by the name of Izzie Stevens?" Derek said with a little smile on his face.

Meredith looked surprised. "How do you know? Yes, Alex is flying down to Los Angeles today. Nobody knows except you and me, so don't tell anyone. He screwed up or he screwed Lexie or whatever. He wants to apologize. Hopefully he isn't planning some sappy big romantic gesture."

"Stevens would like that." Derek said and proceeded with the professional part "So as you are his substitute, I need you to take care of my patients' post ops. Do the tests and page me if something unusual comes up and I need you to wait for me here when you finish. I want to show you something."

* * *

"Remember when our biggest worry was whether our kid should wear a Red Sox or a Yankees jersey?" Meredith sighed after they left the ferry on their way to Derek's trailer.

"Yeah, back when we watched the ferry boats."

"Before our stupid fight. It doesn't get easier. The longer I'm pregnant the more I'm worried about the thousand ways I'm going to screw that child up. So why are we going up to the trailer?" Meredith wondered. The last few weeks Derek had been determined to keep her as close to the hospital as possible.

"I have to show you something. It's a surprise. You'll like it" he chuckled and looked at the road ahead of him.

"I don't like surprises." Meredith reminded her husband referring to her encounter with Nancy. "In particular surprises that wait for me at you trailer."

"Chances are you like this one." Derek chuckled. He was going to show her something very special today, their house, the house he had promised her to build for their family. "I can assure you that Nancy is far away this time. Hopefully at the other side of the country."

"Oh my god, you built a house, it's lovely and it's finished. When did this happen? You build us a house. You build us a house in the middle of the fricking winter." Meredith said in admiration when she caught the first glimpse. Her face lid up and so did Derek's face. He was relieved that she seemed to like the house.

"I built us a house, Meredith. It's yours. I want us to raise our family here."

"I love it. It's a beautiful place to raise a family and it looks just like the plans." Meredith said and started to ask a lot of questions "How did you manage this? Have you taken care of this all the time I thought you've been ignoring me? Why didn't you ever mention anything? When can we move in?"

"Well, calm down. I'm glad you like it." Derek interrupted her before she could ask more questions than he could remember to answer. "It's going to be 3 months or so until everything is finished. They still have to do a lot on the inside and yes, I've been up here a lot when we had our fight. It was pretty cold, but I built that deck myself. I wanted the reveal to be this grand gesture to win you back."

"Why didn't you?" Meredith looked at her husband.

"Because you are not the girl that can be won over by a grand gesture. It would have been the wrong sign. We needed to talk."

"True." Meredith nodded. "Is it safe to go inside yet? I want to see the inside. This feels so surreal and I need to sit down because I have this back pain."

"Yes. We can go inside and have a look around." Derek told her and pulled out a key from one of his pockets.

* * *

_Would you like to know your future?  
If your answer is yes, think again. Uncertainty is the greatest life motivator. Anything can happen. So enjoy, endure, survive each moment as it comes to you in its proper sequence - a surprise. Live your life one day at a time. Who cares if it's going to be forever, if it's perfect today._

* * *

After they had looked at almost every room in the house Meredith started to feel water running down her thighs. "Ahhh! We really have to get back to the hospital now. We have to hurry."

Derek hadn't noticed it yet and looked at her confused "We are off tonight. No surgeries for you."

"No I'm not interested in surgeries right now, idiot" Meredith said impatiently and pointed to her legs "I think my water broke. That's why we have to go"

"It's too early" Derek pointed out "We have to go"

"Calm down" Derek told his wife as he put a cold wet cloth on her forehead to provide a bit of comfort in between the contractions. She was still not fully dilated, but the pain was getting worse and the ice chips were almost gone.

"No, I'm here in the middle of the fucking night, three weeks before my due date and instead of my extremely capable OB/Gyn I'm stuck here with an intern because my OB/GYn is in labor too." Meredith screamed "I'm not going to calm down. Get Cristina and Lexie now!"

* * *

_"Mark, there's a woman in my bed, she's perfect and I'm going to spend the rest of my life with her. She wants strawberry ice cream for breakfast."  
"What are you talking about Derek?"  
"I got married last night, and she's perfect. She's the one!"  
"You are telling me that you got married last night? Are you serious? We went here to celebrate your newly found freedom, our freedom and you get married after one drunken night in Vegas? She's not the one, you were drunk."  
"I wasn't drunk"  
"That makes it worse. Threw your life away for the second time. So who is she? It's a she, right?"  
"Of course, she's amazing, hold on, I'm about to enter the room now, you can talk to her herself. You are going to like her."  
"Shep? Are you still there? Are you okay?"_

_"She's gone. I looked everywhere. She just left."  
"What do you mean?"  
"Her stuff is gone, her purse, her clothes and she."  
"Is there a note somewhere? Maybe she went out to get a pack of cigarettes. Your stuff is still there, is it? She didn't rob you?"  
"If it was I would have found it and no, my stuff is still here. I have to hang up and look for her. I bought ice cream for her."_

* * *

"Oh boy, if I had known it would be like that, I'd have gone on a conference for the week."

"Has she threatened to kill you yet?" Mark wondered.

"No" Derek laughed and looked at Mark, who put his hand on his shoulders and suggested "Well, wait until she does and we can talk again."

"Addison has threatened to kill you?" Derek asked surprised.

"Three times actually." Mark said.

"Meredith kicked me out because 'it's all my fucking fault. I should have waited until after our boy is here." Derek laughed.

"Boy?" Mark looked at him "Thought she didn't want to know"

"It was my little Christmas present. She told me at Christmas. I'm surprised Addison hasn't told you. Thought you guys had booked the chapel for 2025 by now."

As Derek walked down the hall to get more ice chips for Meredith he ran into someone "Nance, what are you doing here?"

His sister smiled "Nice to see you too. Addison called me. Mom, Liz, Kathleen and I decided to come over. They are at the hotel. Addison said that she and the slutty intern might need an OB/Gyn, so I came to the hospital straight away."

Derek got angry. Nobody was allowed to call her slutty. "Meredith is not slutty and given your history I'm not sure she'd like you to see her private parts"

"private parts? Seriously Derek. How old are you? 12?" Nancy wondered and looked at her younger brother who was just as nervous as any father was before witnessing the birth of his first born.

"You better check on Addison first. It's going to be a while anyway because she's not close to being fully dilated yet and I'm not sure whether she wants to see you. Your last encounter was a little…"

"… awkward. I understand." Nancy laughed and went to see Addison.

* * *

"Mer, I have a surprise and I'm not sure you are going to like it." Derek told Meredith in a voice that sounded like a little boy who was about to confess his latest misdeed to his mother.

Meredith eyed him suspiciously. "Derek, just spit it out. I'm in so much pain from all the contractions, whatever you have to tell me I'm sure it won't be nearly as bad as the pain."

"Addison called my family and they are in Seattle right now. Nancy is in the next room delivering Addison's baby." Derek explained without any hesitation. He expected Meredith to start to yell at him, but her reaction was another one.

"That's great, Addison can deliver my baby when she's finished." She said enthusiastically.

Her friends who sat beside her giggled "Mer, I'm pretty sure she's going to be exhausted and won't be able to do that." George told her.

"Well Nancy is not going to be anywhere near my vagina" Meredith insisted. "and so is neither one of you"

"Alright I'm going to page Dr. Kelly" George nodded and went to get another OB/Gyn attending.

* * *

Two hours later Dr. Kelly was able to give everyone the happy news "Congratulations everyone! It's a beautiful healthy little adorable…" he told Derek's waiting family and Meredith's friends, but was interrupted by Cristina "Spit it out already"

He laughed and continued "It's a boy, Dr. Yang, it's a boy. 6 pounds and 19.50 inches and a healthy set of lungs."

They all walked into the room and looked at Meredith cradled him in her arm "Hello little guy, good morning."

"He looks like you." Lexie noted.

Cristina rolled her eyes and added "He looks like a baby. A baby that has just been squeezed out of his mother's vagina."

* * *

Derek looked at his wife and his beautiful son who slept in her arms. "Isn't he lovely?" he smiled and looked at Meredith.

Meredith used her index finger to touch the babies hand "Hello, Christopher Mark Shepherd."

Derek looked at her in shock. They had never talked about names. He had always assumed that she had picked one, but was surprised to find out it was this. "We can't name him after Mark, he'd rub that under my nose till the end of time."

Meredith giggled and reminded him of one very important fact. "We wouldn't have met if it wasn't for Mark."

Derek smiled and kissed her "I love you. "

"and I love you." she whispered. "and we are going to be happy. Promise?"

"We are going to be happy. No matter what happens. I have you and you have me and we have Christopher. We are going to love each other"

"even if we hate each other." Meredith giggled.

"No running ever" Derek added.

"and we are going to take care of each other when we are old, senile and smelly." Meredith added.

"It's forever."


	67. Chapter 67

This story is going to be continued here:

s/11335715/1/What-I-Never-Thought-I-Wanted

It picks up directly after the last chapter of 'Remembering and Forgetting'


End file.
